Peter Simple Part 53

"But do you forgive me, Mr Simple? It's not that I have forgiven myself."

"I do forgive you with all my heart, my good woman. You have been punished enough."

"I have, indeed," replied she, sobbing; "but don't I deserve it all, and more too? G.o.d's blessing, and all the saints' too, upon your head, for your kind forgiveness, anyhow. My heart is lighter." And she quitted the room.

She had scarcely quitted the hotel, when the waiter came up again.

"Another lady, my lord, wishes to speak with you; but she won't give her name."

"Really, my lord, you seem to have an extensive female acquaintance,"

said the general.

"At all events, I am not aware of any that I need be ashamed of. Show the lady up, waiter."

In a moment entered a fat unwieldy little mortal, very warm from walking; she sat down in a chair, threw back her tippet, and then exclaimed, "Lord bless you, how you have grown! gemini, if I can hardly believe my eyes; and I declare he don't know me."

"I really cannot exactly recollect were I had the pleasure of seeing you before, madam."

"Well, that's what I said to Jemima, when I went down in the kitchen, 'Jemima,' says I, 'I wonder if little Peter Simple will know me.' And Jemima says, 'I think he would the parrot, marm.'"

"Mrs Handyc.o.c.k, I believe," said I, recollecting Jemima and the parrot, although, from a little thin woman, she had grown so fat as not to be recognisable.

"Oh! so you've found me out, Mr Simple--my lord, I ought to say. Well, I need not ask after your grandfather now, for I know he's dead; but as I was coming this way for orders, I thought I would just step in and see how you looked."

"I trust Mr Handyc.o.c.k is well, ma'am. Pray is he a bull or a bear?"

"Lord bless you, Mr Simple--my lord, I should say--he's been neither bull nor bear for these three years. He was obliged to _waddle_; if I didn't know much about bulls and bears, I know very well what a _lame duck_ is to my cost. We're off the Stock Exchange, and Mr Handyc.o.c.k is set up as a coal merchant."

"Indeed!"

"Yes; that is, we have no coals, but we take orders, and have half-a-crown a chaldron for our trouble. As Mr Handyc.o.c.k says, it's a very good business, if you only had enough for it. Perhaps your lords.h.i.+p may be able to give us an order. It's nothing out of your pocket, and something into ours."

"I shall be very happy when I return again to town, Mrs Handyc.o.c.k. I hope the parrot is quite well."

"Oh! my lord, that's a sore subject; only think of Mr Handyc.o.c.k, when we retired from the 'Change, taking my parrot one day and selling it for five guineas, saying, five guineas was better than a nasty squalling, bird. To be sure, there was nothing for dinner that day; but, as Jemima agreed with me, we'd rather have gone without a dinner for a month, than have parted with Poll. Since we've looked up a little in the world, I saved up five guineas, by hook or by crook, and tried to get Poll back again, but the lady said she wouldn't take fifty guineas for him."

Mrs Handyc.o.c.k then jumped from her chair, saying, "Good morning, my lord; I'll leave one of Mr Handyc.o.c.k's cards. Jemima would be so glad to see you."

As she left the room, Celeste laughingly asked me whether I had any more such acquaintances.

I replied, that I believed not; but I must acknowledge that Mrs Trotter was brought to my recollection, and I was under some alarm lest she should also come and pay me her respects.

The next day I had another unexpected visit. We had just sat down to dinner, when we heard a disturbance below; and, shortly after, the general's French servant came up in great haste, saying that there was a foreigner below, who wished to see me; that he had been caning one of the waiters of the hotel, for not paying him proper respect.

"Who can that be?" thought I: and I went out of the door and looked over the banisters, as the noise still continued.

"You must not come here to beat Englishmen, I can tell you," roared one of the waiters. "What do we care for your foreign counts?"

"Sacre, canaille!" cried the other party, in a contemptuous voice, which I well knew.

"Ay, ca.n.a.l!--we'll duck you in the ca.n.a.l, if you don't mind."

"You will!" said the stranger, who had hitherto spoken French. "Allow me to observe--in the most delicate manner in the world--just to hint, that you are a d.a.m.ned trencher-sc.r.a.ping, napkin-carrying, s.h.i.+lling-seeking, up-and-down-stairs son of a b.i.t.c.h--and take this for your impudence!"

The noise of the cane was again heard; and I hastened downstairs, where I found Count Shucksen thras.h.i.+ng two or three of the waiters without mercy. At my appearance, the waiters, who were showing fight, retreated to a short distance, out of reach of the cane.

"My dear count," exclaimed I, "is it you?" and I shook him by the hand.

"My dear Lord Privilege, will you excuse me? but these fellows are saucy."

"Then I'll have them discharged," replied I. "If a friend of mine, and an officer of your rank and distinction, cannot come to see me without insult, I will seek another hotel."

This threat of mine, and the reception I gave the count, put all to rights. The waiters sneaked off, and the master of the hotel apologised. It appeared that they had desired him to wait in the coffee-room until they could announce him, which had hurt the count's dignity.

"We are sitting down to dinner, count; will you join us?"

"As soon as I have improved my toilet, my dear lord," replied he "you must perceive that I am off a journey."

The master of the hotel bowed, and proceeded to show the count to a dressing-room.

When I returned up-stairs--"What was the matter?" inquired O'Brien. "O nothing!--a little disturbance in consequence of a foreigner not understanding English."

In about five minutes the waiter opened the door, and announced Count Shucksen.

"Now, O'Brien, you'll be puzzled," said I; and in came the count.

"My dear Lord Privilege," said he, coming up and taking me by the hand, "let me not be the last to congratulate you upon your accession. I was running up the channel in my frigate, when a pilot-boat gave me the newspaper, in which I saw your unexpected change of circ.u.mstances. I made an excuse for dropping my anchor at Spithead this morning, and I have come up post to express how sincerely I partic.i.p.ate in your good fortune." Count Shucksen then politely saluted the ladies and the general, and turned round to O'Brien, who had been staring at him with astonishment.

"Count Shucksen, allow me to introduce Sir Terence O'Brien."

"By the piper that played before Moses, but it's a puzzle," said O'Brien, earnestly looking in the count's face. "Blood and thunder! if it a'n't Chucks!--my dear fellow, when did you rise from your grave?"

"Fortunately," replied the count, as they shook each other's hands for some time, "I never went into it, Sir Terence. But now, with your permission, my lord, I'll take some food, as I really am not a little hungry. After dinner, Captain O'Brien, you shall hear my history."

His secret was confided to the whole party, upon my pledging myself for their keeping it locked up in their own b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which was a bold thing on my part, considering that two of them were ladies.

The count stayed with us for some time, and was introduced by me everywhere. It was impossible to discover that he had not been bred up in a court, his manners were so good. He was a great favourite with the ladies; and his mustachios, bad French, and waltzing--an accomplishment he had picked up in Sweden--were quite the vogue. All the ladies were sorry when the Swedish count announced his departure by a PPC.

Before I left town, I called upon the First Lord of the Admiralty, and procured for Swinburne a first-rate, building--that is to say, ordered to be built. This he had often said he wished, as he was tired of the sea, after a service of forty-five years. Subsequently, I obtained leave of absence for him every year; and he used to make himself very happy at Eagle Park. Most of his time was, however, pa.s.sed on the lake, either fis.h.i.+ng or rowing about; telling long stories to all who would join him in his water excursions.

A fortnight after my a.s.suming my t.i.tle, we set off for Eagle Park: and Celeste consented to my entreaties, that the wedding should take place that day month. Upon this hint O'Brien spake; and to oblige me, Ellen consented that we should be united on the same day.

O'Brien wrote to Father McGrath; but the letter was returned by post, with "dead" marked upon the outside. O'Brien then wrote to one of his sisters, who informed him, that Father McGrath would cross the bog one evening when he had taken a very large proportion of whisky; and that he was seen out of the right path, and had never been heard of afterwards.

On the day appointed, we were all united; and both unions have been attended with as much happiness as this world can afford. Both O'Brien and I are blessed with children, which, as...o...b..ien observed, have come upon us like old age, until we now can muster a large Christmas party in the two families. The general's head is white, and he sits and smiles, happy in his daughter's happiness, and in the gambols of his grandchildren.

Such, reader, is the history of Peter Simple, Viscount Privilege, no longer the fool, but the head of the family, who now bids you farewell.