John Bull Part 12

ACT THE THIRD.

SCENE I.

_SIR SIMON ROCHDALE'S Library._

_Enter SIR SIMON ROCHDALE and the EARL OF FITZ BALAAM._

_Sir Simon._ Believe me, my lord, the man I wish'd most to meet in my library this morning, was the Earl of Fitz Balaam.

_Lord Fitz._ Thank you, Sir Simon.

_Sir Simon._ Your arrival, a day before your promise, gives us such convenient leisure to talk over the arrangements, relative to the marriage of Lady Caroline Braymore, your lords.h.i.+p's daughter, with my son.

_Lord Fitz._ True, Sir Simon.

_Sir Simon._ Then, while Lady Caroline is at her toilet, we'll dash into business at once; for I know your lords.h.i.+p is a man of few words. They tell me, my lord, you have sat in the Upper House, and said nothing but aye and no, there, for these thirty years.

_Lord Fitz._ I spoke, for more than a minute, in the year of the influenza.

_Sir Simon._ Bless me! the epidemic, perhaps, raging among the members, at the moment.

_Lord Fitz._ Yes;--they cough'd so loud, I left off in the middle.

_Sir Simon._ And you never attempted again.

_Lord Fitz._ I hate to talk much, Sir Simon;--'tis my way; though several don't like it.

_Sir Simon._ I do. I consider it as a mark of your lords.h.i.+p's discretion. The less you say, my lord, in my mind, the wiser you are; and I have often thought it a pity, that some n.o.ble orators hav'n't follow'd your lords.h.i.+p's example.--But, here are the writings. [_Sitting down with LORD FITZ BALAAM, and taking them from the Table._] We must wave ceremony now, my lord; for all this pile of parchment is built on the independent four thousand a year of your daughter, Lady Caroline, on one hand, and your lords.h.i.+p's inc.u.mbrances, on the other.

_Lord Fitz._ I have saddles on my property, Sir Simon.

_Sir. Simon._ Which saddles, your lords.h.i.+p's property being uncommonly small, look something like sixteen stone upon a poney.

The Fitz Balaam estate, for an earl, is deplorably narrow.

_Lord Fitz._ Yet, it has given security for a large debt.

_Sir Simon._ Large, indeed! I can't think how you have contriv'd it.

'Tis the Archbishop of Brobdignag, squeez'd into Tom Thumb's pantaloons.

_Lord Fitz._ Mine is the oldest estate in England, Sir Simon.

_Sir Simon._ If we may judge of age by decay, my lord, it must be very ancient, indeed!--But this goes to something in the shape of supplies. [_Untying the Papers._] "Covenant between Augustus Julius Braymore, Earl of Fitz Balaam, of Cullender Castle, in the county of c.u.mberland, and Simon Rochdale, Baronet, of Hollyhock House, in the county of Cornwall."----By the by, my lord, considering what an expense attends that castle, which is at your own disposal, and that, if the auctioneer don't soon knock it down, the weather will, I wonder what has prevented your lords.h.i.+p's bringing it to the hammer.

_Lord Fitz._ The dignity of my ancestors. I have blood in my family, Sir Simon---- [_Proudly._

_Sir Simon._ A deal of excellent blood, my lord; but from the butler down to the house-dog, curse me if ever I saw so little flesh in a family before--But by this covenant----

_Lord Fitz._ You clear off the largest mortgage.

_Sir Simon._ Right;--for which purpose, on the day of the young folks' marriage----

_Lord Fitz._ You must pay me forty thousand pounds.

_Sir Simon._ Right, again. Your lords.h.i.+p says little; but 'tis terribly plump to the point, indeed, my lord. Here is the covenant;--and, now, will your lords.h.i.+p look over the marriage articles?

_Lord Fitz._ My attorney will be here to-morrow, Sir Simon. I prefer reading by deputy. [_Both rise._

_Sir Simon._ Many people of rank read in the same way, my lord. And your lords.h.i.+p will receive the forty thousand pounds, I am to pay you, by deputy also, I suppose.

_Lord Fitz._ I seldom swear, Sir Simon; but, d.a.m.n me if I will.

_Sir Simon._ I believe you are right. Yet there are but two reasons for not trusting an attorney with your money:--one is, when you don't know him very well; and the other is, when you do.--And now, since the marriage is concluded, as I may say, in the families, may I take the liberty to ask, my lord, what sort of a wife my son Frank may expect in Lady Caroline? Frank is rather of a grave, domestic turn: Lady Caroline, it seems, has pa.s.sed the three last winters in London. Did her ladys.h.i.+p enter into _all_ the spirit of the first circles?

_Lord Fitz._ She was as gay as a lark, Sir Simon.

_Sir Simon._ Was she like the lark in her hours, my lord?

_Lord Fitz._ A great deal more like the owl, Sir Simon.

_Sir Simon._ I thought so. Frank's mornings in London will begin where her ladys.h.i.+p's nights finish. But his case won't be very singular. Many couples make the marriage bed a kind of cold matrimonial well; and the two family buckets dip into it alternately.

_Enter LADY CAROLINE BRAYMORE._

_Lady Car._ Do I interrupt business?

_Sir Simon._ Not in the least. Pray, Lady Caroline, come in. His lords.h.i.+p and I have just concluded.

_Lord Fitz._ And I must go and walk my three miles, this morning.

_Sir Simon._ Must you, my lord?

_Lord Fitz._ My physician prescribed it, when I told him I was apt to be dull, after dinner.

_Sir Simon._ I would attend your lords.h.i.+p;--but since Lady Caroline favours me with--

_Lady Car._ No, no--don't mind me. I a.s.sure you, I had much rather you would go.

_Sir Simon._ Had you?--hum!--but the petticoats have their new school of good breeding, too, they tell me. [_Aside._] Well, we are gone--we have been glancing over the writings, Lady Caroline, that form the basis of my son's happiness:--though his lords.h.i.+p isn't much inclined to read.

_Lady Car._ But I am.--I came here to study very deeply, before dinner.

_Sir Simon._ What, would your ladys.h.i.+p, then, wish to-- [_Showing the Writings._

_Lady Car._ To read that? My dear Sir Simon! all that Hebrew, upon parchment as thick as a board!--I came to see if you had any of the last novels in your book room.