Six Plays by Lady Florence Henrietta Fisher Darwin Part 48

WILLIAM. John has a tongue that is better used to this sort of business than mine.

MRS. GARDNER. Nonsense, when was one of our family ever known to fail in the tongue?

WILLIAM. If she that was asked first had only been the right one, all would have been over and done with now.

MRS. GARDNER. 'Tis John that you have got to thank for the blunder.

WILLIAM. [Sighing.] That was a rare fine maid, and no mistake.

MRS. GARDNER. And a rare brazen hussy, from all that has reached my ears.

WILLIAM. Well--I've done with courting--now and for all time, that I have. And you may roast me alive if I'll ever go nigh to a maid again.

MRS. GARDNER. That you shall, William--and quickly too. There's no time like the present, and your Sunday clothes are upon you still.

WILLIAM. I was just going up to change, Mother.

MRS. GARDNER. Then you'll please to remain as you are. You may take what gift you like along with you this time, so long as it's none of my home-cured meat.

WILLIAM. I'm blessed if I do stir out again this day. Why, look at the seedlings crying for water, and the nets to lay over the fruit and sommat of everything wanting to be done all around of me. I'll not stir.

[JOHN comes towards them.

MRS. GARDNER. Here's John. Suppose he were to make himself useful in the garden for once instead of meddling in things that are none of his business.

JOHN. I'll be blowed if 'tis any more courting as I'll do, neither for Master William nor on my own account.

WILLIAM. Why, John, 'twasn't your fault that the lady wouldn't take me, you did your best with her, I know.

JOHN. An that I did, Master William, but a more contrary c.o.xsy sort of a maid I never did see. "I baint one as fancies pig meat," her did say. And the nose of she did curl away up till it could go no higher. That's not the wench for me, I says to myself.

MRS. GARDNER. Is the jowl hung up in its right place again, John?

JOHN. That 'tis, mistress. I put it back myself, and a good job for that 'taint went out of the family and off to the mouths of strangers, so says I.

MRS. GARDNER. Do you tend to Master William's garden John, instead of talking. We've had enough of your tongue for one day.

JOHN. Why, be Master William goin' out for to court again, this afternoon?

WILLIAM. No, John--No, I've had enough of that for my life time.

JOHN. So have I, master, and more nor enough. I don't care particular if I never set eyes on a maid again.

WILLIAM. [Pointing to a plot of ground.] That's where I pulled the young carrots this morning.

JOHN. Ah, and so you did, master.

WILLIAM. And there's from where I took the Early s...o...b..a.l.l.s.

JOHN. And a great pity as you did. There be none too many of that sort here.

WILLIAM. She had a wonderful soft look in her eyes as she did handle them and the spring cabbage, John.

JOHN. Ah, and a wonderful hard tongue when her knowed 'twasn't for she as they was pulled.

WILLIAM. Was t'other maid anything of the same pattern, John?

JOHN. Upon my word, if t'other wasn't the worst of the two, for she did put a powerful lot of venom into the looks as she did give I, and the words did fall from she like so many bricks on my head.

WILLIAM. Pity the first was not the right maid.

JOHN. Ah, a maid what can treat a prime home-cured jowl as yon did baint the sort for to mistress it over we, I'm thinking.

MRS. GARDNER. See here, John--suppose you were to let your tongue bide still in its home awhile, and start doing something with your hands.

JOHN. That's right enough, mistress. What's wanted, Master William?

WILLIAM. I'm blessed if I can recollect, John. This courting business lies heavy on me, and I don't seem able to get above it, like.

JOHN. I'd let it alone, master, if I was you. They be all alike, the maids. And 'twouldn't be amiss if we was to serve they as we serves the snails when they gets to the young plants.

[SUSAN comes hurriedly into the garden.

SUSAN. Please master, please mistress.

MRS. GARDNER. What do you mean, Susan, by coming into the garden without your cap? Go and put it on at once.

SUSAN. The wind must have lifted it from me, mistress, for I was running ever so fast.

MRS. GARDNER. Do you expect me to believe that, Susan--and not a breath stirring the flowers or trees, or anything?

SUSAN. 'Twas the lady I met as--as--as I was coming across the field from feeding the fowls.

MRS. GARDNER. What lady, Susan?

SUSAN. Her from Luther's, mistress.

JOHN. And what of she; out with it, wench.

SUSAN. She did tell I to say as she be coming along as fast as she may after Master William.

WILLIAM. [As though to himself with an accent of despair.] No. No.

JOHN. There, master, didn't I tell you so?

WILLIAM. [Very nervously.] What did you tell me, John?

JOHN. That, let her abide and her'd find the senses of she presently.