Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 35

The country hostess must not feel that she is expected to entertain her guests in city fas.h.i.+on. There is a great deal of difference between the facilities and conditions of country and city life, and social activities are consequently different in both localities.

In the country there is much less mingling with strangers than there is in the city. Social entertainments are confined very largely to the home fireside. There are few clubs, few large halls and auditoriums. A feeling of intimacy and good-fellows.h.i.+p exists which is entirely lacking in large cities. Almost everybody knows everybody else, and when a large entertainment is given, the whole village knows about it.

To attempt to emulate her city sister would be folly for the country hostess. She hasn't the facilities nor the natural conditions conducive to the elaborate and strictly formal entertainments and activities of the city. In the country everything should be on a simpler, more informal basis; the natural beauties of the country are certainly not compatible with the fas.h.i.+onable and often ostentatious activities of the city.

IMPORTANCE OF SIMPLICITY

We go to the country because we are tired of the town and we want rest, quiet, peace. We do not expect to find a frenzied attempt at imitation of city entertainments. Yet this is what so many hostesses do--instead of retaining the delightful natural simplicity of their homes, they feel that they must entertain their city friends in city fas.h.i.+on. And invariably they fail.

Very often when a city man or woman is tired of the sham and narrow conventionalities of city life, he or she will plan to visit a country friend. If that country friend is wise, he or she will make no elaborate preparations, but just greet the friend with the simple country hospitality that is so alluring to city people. Where in the city can you find the good-fellows.h.i.+p, the spontaneity, the courteous kindliness that you find in the small town and village? Where in the city can you find the open-hearted generosity, the sympathetic understanding and the simple courtesy that you find among country people? The elaborate ball room with its richly gowned women is charming and impressive; but the simple country party with its Virginia reel, the daughters in their party clothes and mothers in their "best black silks" are no less charming.

For the sake of those young men and women who live in the country and know liveried chauffeurs and uniformed butlers only through books, for the sake of those men and women who live in the country because they love simplicity and the beauties of nature, but for those who are eager to know good manners and know what is correct at all times, we are writing the following paragraph on etiquette in the small town. Let us first write about

THE HOSTESS

When entertaining guests from the city, fresh flowers should be brought into the house every day. The meal served should be simple; elaborate course dinners are not in good form when the facilities of the hostess do not permit them. Nothing ostentatious should be attempted; just simple, homelike hospitality such as is offered the neighbors and friends of the village.

Early dining is usual in the country, especially in the summer.

Sometimes high tea is served. The tea-urn is placed on the table before the hostess to give a homelike air to the function, and fruits and flowers are placed in cut gla.s.s bowls on the table. Preserves, honey and cakes should also be on the table in cut gla.s.s or china dishes. Hot biscuits, m.u.f.fins and wafers are usually served at high tea, with one substantial dish like cold chicken, salad or cold sliced meats.

Hammocks, tennis courts, rowboats, etc., should be placed at the disposal of visiting guests. The considerate hostess always plans some sort of entertainment for guests that have come a long way to visit her, but she does not make any attempt to provide anything elaborate. A simple country dance or a musicale is relaxing and entertaining.

Protection from flies, mosquitoes, etc. should be provided for guests.

If chairs and hammocks are on the porch, it should be completely screened in to prevent mosquitoes from annoying the guests. It is just such little considerations as these that make country hospitality so delightful.

THE GUEST

Whether you are a guest from the city, or a friend from the village, you have a certain definite etiquette to observe when you are at the home of a country hostess. First you must make yourself agreeable and helpful. If you are from the city, forget the restricting formalities you have been accustomed to. You may speak to everyone in the hostess'

drawing-room--or parlor--even though there have been no introductions.

And if you see an elderly man or woman standing all alone in one corner of the room, you can go over to him or her, start a conversation, and offer to get a chair or an ice for the stranger. It is not necessary to wait for an introduction.

Do not be dull during the afternoon or evening. Be pleasant and agreeable; if conversation lags, stimulate it with an interesting anecdote. If you can entertain in some way, either by singing, playing some musical instrument, or reciting, don't be backward about offering your services. Remember you are not in an elaborate ball room but among simple country folks, and if you can provide enjoyable entertainment for them, they will appreciate it just as much as you yourself will enjoy it.

An offish person always spoils the fun of a country party. If you feel you are superior to the Virginia reel and the apple paring contests, do not attend. Move to the city where you can attend elaborate social functions. But while you are at the party, do your best to add to the general enjoyment, and do not spoil things by being disagreeable and unpleasant.

It is poor taste to wear very fas.h.i.+onable city clothes to a simple country entertainment. If you come from the city, wear something simple and pretty, but not something that will make you conspicuous. If you are a man and you know that none of the other men will wear full dress, then don't be presumptuous enough to appear in your swallow-tail. But if you are a village friend, you may wear your "Sunday best" for undoubtedly everyone else who attends the party will do likewise.

FOR COUNTRY FOLKS

Never attempt to make false impressions. That is one great fault found among certain country people. When city friends call, they attempt to overawe them with their superiority. While the city friends are with them, they do not notice their village friends at church, nor do they invite them to their house. They devote themselves exclusively to their friends from the city--and invariably those friends return home disappointed and disillusioned.

When people move in the neighborhood, it is considered polite to pay them the first visit--"to extend the hand of welcome," as the expression is. The hostess should offer a cup of tea with crackers or cake, and should make herself agreeable in every way. However, the acquaintance should not be forced; if the newcomers are haughty and aloof, it is well to leave them to themselves, until they have absorbed some of the good-fellows.h.i.+p and courtesy of the village.

There is very little need for formal calling cards in the small village where everybody knows everybody else. A great many of the conventionalities of city life are, of course, found in the country; but a great many more of them are lacking. And among them are the strictly formal introductions, calls and social functions that are observed with such punctiliousness in the city. Simplicity should be the keynote of country life, and quiet, dignified manners should be the ideal of country people.

THE ENDLESS ROUND OF HOSPITALITY

Hospitality does not mean the giving of sumptuous banquets or elaborate dinners. It does not mean the extravagant recklessness of much-talked-about house parties, or extended yachting trips. It does not mean the holding of gay and festive b.a.l.l.s.

No, it means none of these, for even in the most humble home one can find the truest hospitality. There need be no rich display, no obvious effort at ostentation. For hospitality is that open-hearted, open-handed, generous, lovable, beautiful fellow-feeling for fellow-mortals--the kind of feeling that makes you throw open your home, small apartment or mighty mansion, as the case may be, and bid your friends and acquaintances welcome. Welcome, mind you, that has in its greeting none of the sham cordiality, that wealthy people sometimes parade merely for the sake of being able to show their worldly goods to the envious eyes of their guests,--but a whole-souled and whole-hearted welcome that is willing to share everything one has.

And so, the round of hospitality goes endlessly on, host and hostess making the pleasure and comfort of the guest their prime consideration.

Parties, receptions, dances, b.a.l.l.s, dinners--all are instances of the eagerness of the world, the social world, to entertain, to give pleasure, to amuse. And the guests, in their turn, repay the hospitalities with other hospitalities of their own. And we find, in this glorious twentieth century it is our fortune to be living in, a wholesome, generous hospitality that puts to shame the history-famed achievements of kings and princes of yore.

WHEN TO INVITE

The question naturally arises, what are the occasions that require hospitality? Frankly, there are no definite occasions. Hospitality is the index to breeding and culture at all times. But there are certain ceremonious occasions that warrant the _invited hospitality_--and such are the occasions that we will study in this chapter.

First, we find the wedding anniversary claiming the ceremony of many invited guests and much festive entertainment. Thus, wedding anniversaries offer an excellent opportunity for hospitality. Then there is the occasion of the young daughter's introduction to society--an event which is important, indeed, and requires the utmost hospitality on the part of host and hostess alike. When one's son graduates from college, a little dinner party and perhaps some musical entertainment afterward is an appropriate time to show by one's hospitality, sincere grat.i.tude for the splendid educational opportunities afforded the youth of America. Oh, there are countless opportunities, countless "excuses," if you will call it that, countless occasions when hospitality can be shown to one's friends and acquaintances! And it is only by taking advantage of these opportunities, by revealing one's unselfish, ungrudging hospitality, that one rightly earns the name of _cultured_.

The hostess who sighs in relief when the guest has departed is not truly hospitable. She should have a certain sense of satisfaction in the knowledge of her very weariness. For hasn't she served her guests well? Hasn't she sent them to their homes a little happier than when they first came? The sigh should be one of sheer joy.

No one invites guests to his or her home to make them unhappy.

Therefore, if among your friends you number one whose worldly goods are very much less than your own, do not invite him or her to a fas.h.i.+onable ball where rich display will make him feel sadly out of place. Rather save the invitation for a quiet, afternoon tea. And on the other hand, if you are unable to care for the wants and comforts of several guests, do not invite them to house parties.

Be hospitable--but above all use good sense and good judgment before you invite.

THE GUESTS AND THEIR DUTIES

The fact that America is the home of hospitality and land of the most generous hostesses, does not indicate necessarily that the guest, in his selfishness, should take advantage of it. A well-bred, considerate person always seeks to minimize as far as possible the efforts of his or her hostess, and to make the visit or stay pleasant. She, or he, constantly endeavors to aid the hostess in providing entertainment. In short, he returns the hospitality of the host and hostess, with a hospitality of his own--a hospitality that, in itsconsideration and regard for the rights of others, is one of the beautiful things that makes life worth the living.

It is superb--this giving and returning of hospitality: We find a worried, anxious business man, forgetting for the moment his pressing affairs in the diverting entertainments provided for him by his hostess; in return, exerting every effort to contribute to the success of the evening, to join in the conversation when he would rather be silent and pensive, to be witty and humorous when he would much prefer being moody and despondent. And so it goes on, a constant giving and returning of hospitality, so beautiful and so inspiring that it is worthy of the stress given to it in the social world.

There are some paramount obligations which the guest must observe.

Among them, perhaps most exacting, is punctuality. To keep others waiting, to be continually tardy, is to demonstrate one's rudeness and want of good breeding. Promptness in regard to the answering of invitations, punctuality in attending dinners, luncheons and parties of any kind,--these are marks of good breeding.

If one is invited to a dance or party and does not wish to attend without an out-of-town friend who happens to be stopping with him or her at the time--a friend who certainly cannot be deserted on the afternoon or evening of the occasion--it is permissible to write a cordial note to the hostess explaining the situation and requesting that an invitation be extended to the friend. However, no resentment should be felt if the hostess finds she must refuse the request; for she may have had to refuse some of her own friends on account of conditions beyond her control.

But no guest may bring to a party, dance or dinner, a friend or acquaintance who has not been invited. This is considered a breach of etiquette, and the hostess is not inhospitable when she does not invite that particular guest again.

The guest must conform in all things to the tastes and customs of his host and hostess. He must find (or feign) enjoyment in everything that is proposed by them, everything that is offered by them in the way of entertainment.

In taking leave of the hostess it is necessary to thank her cordially.

Criticisms, either of the conduct of some other guest, or of servants, are poor form and should be avoided. The ideal guest is the one who has that ease and poise of manner, that calmness and kindness of temper, that loving and lovable disposition that makes people somehow want to talk to and be with him. Such a guest needs no set of rules--inherently he knows the laws of good conduct and fine manners; he is the boon of hosts and hostesses the world over.