Book of Etiquette Volume Ii Part 16

Conversation should be lively without noise. It is not well-bred to be demonstrative in action while speaking, to talk loudly, or to laugh boisterously. Conversation should have less emphasis, and more quietness, more dignified calmness. Some of us are so eager, in our determination to be agreeable in conversation, to dominate the entire room with our voice, that we forget the laws of good conduct. And we wonder why people consider us bores.

Don't be afraid to open your mouth when you talk. First know what you want to say, be sure that it is worth saying, and then say it calmly, confidently, _through your mouth_ and not through your nose. Too many people talk through tightly closed teeth and then wonder why people don't understand them. Enunciate clearly and give to your vowels and consonants the proper resonance.

Another mistake to avoid is rapid speaking. To talk slowly and deliberately, is to enhance the pleasure and beauty of the conversation.

Rapidity in speech results in indistinctness, and indistinctness leads invariably to monotony.

EASE IN SPEECH

There are two languages of speech--voice and gesture. Voice appeals to the ear, gesture to the eye. It is an agreeable combination of the two that makes conversation pleasant.

"A really well-bred man," a writer once said, "would speak to all kings in the world with as little concern and as much ease as he would speak to you." Confusion is the enemy of eloquence. Self-restraint must be developed before one can hope to be either a good conversationalist or a social success. To create a pleasant, harmonious atmosphere, and at the same time to make one's ideas carry conviction, one must talk with ease and calm a.s.surance.

Try to be naturally courteous and cordial in your speech. It is a mistake to "wear your feelings on your sleeve" and resent everything that everyone else says that does not please you. To become quickly excited, to speak harshly and sarcastically is to sacrifice one's dignity and ease of manner. Know what you want to say, be sure you understand it, and when you say it, be open for criticisms or suggestions from those around you. Do not become fl.u.s.tered and excited merely because someone else does not agree with you. Remember that Homer said, "The tongue speaks wisely when the soul is wise," and surely the soul can be wise only when one is entirely calm, self-confident and at peace with all the world!

LOCAL PHRASES AND MANNERISMS

It is not always easy to drop the local phrases, colloquial expressions and mannerisms to which one has been accustomed for a long time. Yet good society does not tolerate these errors in speech. For they _are_ errors, according to the standards of educated men and women.

To use such phrases as "How was that" when you mean "What was that" or "How's things" when you mean "How are you" are provincialisms which have no place in the cultured drawing-room. One must drop _all_ bad habits of speech before claiming the "good English which is a pa.s.sport into good society."

Mannerisms in speech are evident in nasal expression and m.u.f.fled words, spoken through half-closed teeth. We were not meant to speak in that unbeautiful manner, nor were we meant to gesticulate wildly as some of our drawing-room orators persist in doing--to the amus.e.m.e.nt of everyone else concerned. When you enter the world of good society, drop all your colloquial phrases and mannerisms behind.

IMPORTANCE OF VOCABULARY

Simple expression has the same advantage over flowery language as a simple and artistic room has over a room filled with gaudy, inharmonious embellishments. One is effective, the other defective. And yet to express ideas simply and correctly, with a regard for polish and poise, one must have a good command of the language.

Make a resolve, right now, that you will never use a foreign word when you can give its meaning in English. And also determine now, definitely, that no matter how popular slang becomes in the less refined circles of society, _you_ will never use it because you know that it is the badge of vulgarity. There is nothing quite as beautiful as good, simple English, when it is spoken correctly.

To know the right word in the right place, to know its correct p.r.o.nunciation and spelling, there is nothing more valuable than a good standard dictionary. If you haven't one--a new revised edition--get one right away. You can not hope to become a pleasing conversationalist until you own and use a good dictionary.

An excellent way to increase your vocabulary and perfect your speech is to talk less, and listen politely while others lead the conversation.

There's a lot of truth in that old maxim, "Speech is silver, but silence is gold!"

INTERRUPTING THE SPEECH OF OTHERS

It was mentioned previously that the Sioux youth does not speak until he is first spoken to. This is also true of the young Armenian woman. She would be horrified at the idea of addressing a woman older than herself, unless first spoken to. Many other countries observe these courtesies of speech, with a wholesome effect upon the general culture of the people.

How often, here in our own country, even in the most highly cultivated society, do we hear a man or woman carelessly interrupt the conversation of another, perhaps an older person, without so much as an apology! It is bad form, to say the least, but it is also distinctly rude. No person of good breeding will interrupt the conversation of another no matter how startling and remarkable an idea he may have. It will be just as startling and remarkable a few minutes later, and the speaker will have gained poise and confidence in the time that he waits for the chance to speak.

Whispering in company is another bad habit that must be avoided. The drawing-room or reception room is no place for personal secrets or hidden bits of gossip. The man or woman commits a serious breach in good conduct by drawing one or two persons aside and whispering something to them.

TACT IN CONVERSATION

Be careful not to give too strong an expression of your likes and dislikes. To master this important point of speech, it is wise to examine carefully and frankly all your opinions before expressing them in words. It is necessary that you understand yourself, before you are able to make others understand you.

In carrying on a conversation in a public place be sure to keep the voice modulated and do not mention the names of people about whom you are talking in such a way that anyone overhearing the conversation by chance could identify them. It is best to avoid all personal talk when one is in public.

The person who is always trying to set other people right does not use tact. If they wanted a.s.sistance, they would probably ask. People are sensitive, and they do not like to have their shortcomings commented upon by others.

Ask questions only if you are gifted with great tact. Otherwise you are bound to create embarra.s.sing situations. If you do ask questions, make them of a general character, rather than personal. But never be curious, because people resent inquisitiveness--and rightly so, for it is a very undesirable trait to have, and each person has a right to privacy.

Never talk for mere talking's sake. Speak only when you have something to say, and then talk quietly, deliberately and with sincerity. Never criticize, antagonize or moralize--and your company will be sought by everyone.

SOME IMPORTANT INFORMATION

If you mumble over your words and have difficulty in p.r.o.nouncing clearly, you will find it a great help to talk very slowly and take deep breaths between each two or three words. For stammering, deep breathing is also suggested before uttering the words upon which one is most likely to come to grief.

Self-consciousness is the result of exaggerated humility. If you concentrate upon what you are saying, and forget all about how you are saying it, you will forget your shyness. Respect yourself, have confidence in yourself--and nervousness and shyness in conversation will vanish.

Lisping is a matter of defective speech, and although reading aloud and dramatic recitations help, it is best to consult a specialist if ordinary methods fail to prevent it. Such habits as hesitation, coughing, or groping for a word, are often forms of nervousness and a little will-power exerted in the right direction may easily control them.

Above all, be simple and be sincere. Let interest in your subject lend animation to your face and manner. Do not attempt to make yourself appear brilliant and inspired, for you will only succeed in making yourself ridiculous. Be modest, pleasant, agreeable and sympathetic, and you will find that you win the immediate response of your audience, whether it consists of two people or two hundred people.

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT

In this beautiful country, filled with charming woodland scenes, landmarks of interest, museums, schools, monuments, libraries, there is no excuse for the man or woman who finds that he or she has "nothing to talk about." In the newspapers every day, in books, plays, operas, even in the advertis.e.m.e.nts and posters, there is material for interesting conversation.

Try it the next time you meet some friends and you find that conversation lags. Talk about something, anything, until you get started. Talk about the sunset you saw last night, or the little crippled boy who was selling newspapers. As long as it is something with a touch of human interest in it, and if you tell it with the desire to please rather than impress, your audience will be interested in your conversation. But to remain quiet, answering only when you are spoken to, and allowing conversation to die each time it reaches you, is a feature of conduct belonging only to the ignorant and dull. There are many pleasant and agreeable things to talk about--argument and discussion have no place in the social drawing-room--and there is no reason why _you_ cannot find them and make use of them.

If you are forgetful, and somewhat shy in the company of others, it might be well to jot down and commit to memory any interesting bit of information or news that you feel would be worthy of repet.i.tion. It may be an interesting little story, or a clever repartee, or some amusing incident--but whatever it is, make the appeal general. It is a mistake to talk only about those things that interest you; when Matthew Arnold was once asked what his favorite topic for conversation was, he answered, "That in which my companion is most interested."

Make that your ideal, and you can hardly help becoming an agreeable and pleasing conversationalist.

CHAPTER II

DRESS

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

The two most important guides to one's personality are one's appearance and one's manner of speech. Centuries of experience have shown that by means of these one may almost without exception get at least a general idea of the sort of person that lies back of them.

Dress is the most important factor in the first impression. An honest heart may beat beneath the ragged coat, a brilliant intellect may rise above the bright checked suit and the yellow tie, the man in the shabby suit may be a famous writer, the girl in the untidy blouse may be an artist of great promise but as a general rule the chances are against it and such people are dull, flat, stale, and unprofitable both to themselves and to other people.

Like advertising, dress should call attention not to itself but to the person or product which it represents so that people will say, not, "What an attractive gown!" but "What a lovely woman!" not, "What a well-dressed man!" but, "I think I should like to know that man."

There is more room for originality, and by the same token for freakishness in woman's dress, and therefore the greater responsibility is hers. Her clothes should belong to her rather than merely to the era in which she happens to be living. This means that they must be individual but it does not mean that they should be outlandish. Again the golden rule of the Greeks: Moderation in all things.