The Varmint Part 42

"There you are!" said Al. "Why, nothing, of course--a lemon, perhaps--but the point is, every one just had to know."

"Not a word!" said d.i.n.k, springing up triumphantly.

"Mum as the grave," said Al, accepting his handshake.

d.i.n.k went romping back like a young spring goat, his busy mind seizing all the ramifications possible from the central theory. He found the Tennessee Shad and communicated the great idea.

"I don't like the guessing part," said the Tennessee Shad.

"Nor I. We must get up a contest."

"A champions.h.i.+p."

"Something devilishly original."

"Exactly."

"Well, what?"

"We must think."

The day was pa.s.sed in fruitless searching but the next morning brought the answer in the following manner: d.i.n.k and the Tennessee Shad--as the majority of trained Laurentians--were accustomed to wallow gloriously in bed until the breakfast gong itself. At the first crash they would spring simultaneously forth and race through their dressing for the winning of the stairs. Now this was an art in itself and many records were claimed and disputed. The Tennessee Shad, like most lazy natures, when aroused was capable of extraordinary bursts of speed and was one of the claimants for the authorized record of twenty-six and a fifth seconds from the bed to the door, established by the famous Hickey Hicks who--as has been related--had departed to organize the industries of his country. Of a consequence Stover was invariably still at his collar b.u.t.ton when the thin shadow of the Shad glided out of the door. But on the present morning, the shoe laces of the Tennessee Shad snapping in his hand, d.i.n.k reached the exit a bare yard in advance. Suddenly he stopped, clasped the Tennessee Shad by the middle and flung him toward the ceiling.

"I have it," he cried. "We'll organize the dressing champions.h.i.+p of the school!"

That very evening a poster was distributed among the houses, thus conceived:

FIRST AMATEUR DRESSING CHAMPIONs.h.i.+P OF THE SCHOOL

under the management of that well-known

Sporting Promoter MR. d.i.n.k STOVER

FOR THE BELT OF THE SCHOOL

and

A SEALED MYSTERIOUS PRIZE

Guaranteed to be Worth Over $3.50

Entrance Fee 25c Books Close at 6 P. M.

To-morrow

For Conditions and Details Consult MR. DENNIS DE B. DE B. FINNEGAN, Secretary.

While the announcement was running like quicksilver through the school the souvenir toilet set was encased in cotton, packed in the smallest compa.s.s, stowed in a wooden box, which was then sewed up in a gunny sacking. This in turn was wrapped in colored paper, tied with bows of pink ribbon and sealed with blue sealing wax stamped with the crest of the school--VIRTUS SEMPER VIRIDIS. The whole was placed on a table at the legs of which were grouped stands of flags.

By noon the next day one-half of the school had pa.s.sed around the table, measuring the mysterious package, touching the seals with itching fingers and wanting to know the reason for such secrecy.

"There are reasons," said Stover, in response to all inquiries.

"Unusual, mysterious, excellent reasons. We ask no one to enter. We only guarantee that the prize is worth over three dollars and fifty cents. No one is coaxing you. No one will miss you. The entrance list is already crowded. We are quite willing it should be closed. We urge n.o.body!"

Macnooder came among the first, scratching his head and walking around the prize as a fox about a tainted trap. Stover, watching from the corner of his eye, studiously appeared to discourage him. Macnooder sniffed the air once or twice in an alarmed sort of way, grunted to himself and went off to try to pump Finnegan.

Finally, just before the closing of the entries, he shambled up with evident dissatisfaction and said:

"Here's my quarter. It's for the champions.h.i.+p, though, and not on account of any hocus pocus in the box."

"Do I understand?" said d.i.n.k instantly, "that if you win you are willing to let the prize go to the second man?"

"What are you making out of this?" said Doc hungrily, disdaining an answer.

The contest, which began the next afternoon with thirty-one entries, owing to certain features unusual to athletic contests, produced such a furor of interest that the limited admissions to the struggle brought soaring prices.

Everything was conducted on lines of exact formality.

Each contestant was required to don upper and lower unmentionables, two socks, two shoes, which were to be completely laced and tied, a d.i.c.key--formed by a junction of two cuffs, a collar and one b.u.t.ton--one necktie, one pair of trousers and one coat. Each contestant was required satisfactorily to wash and dry both hands and put into his hair a recognizable part.

The contestants were allowed to arrange on the chair their wearing apparel according to their own theories, were permitted to fill the wash basin with water, leaving the comb and towel on either side. In order to prevent the formation of two cla.s.ses, pajamas were suppressed and each contestant, clothed in a nights.h.i.+rt, was inducted under the covers and his hair carefully disarranged.

Time was taken from the starting gun to the moment of the arrival of the fully clothed, reasonably washed and apparently brushed candidate at the door. Each time was to be noted and the two lowest scores were to compete in the finals. A time limit of forty-five seconds was imposed, after which the contestant was to be ruled out.

The first heat began with the Triumphant Egghead in the bed for the d.i.c.kinson, Mr. Dennis de Brian de Boru Finnegan on the stop watch, Mr.

d.i.n.k Stover as master of ceremonies and Mr. Turkey Reiter, Mr.

Cheyenne Baxter and Mr. Charlie DeSoto as jurors.

The entries were admitted by all to be the pick of the school; while the champions most favored, were the Tennessee Shad for the Kennedy, Doc Macnooder for the d.i.c.kinson and the White Mountain Canary for the Woodhull.

A certain delay took place on the third heat owing to Susie Satterly, of the Davis House, refusing to compete unless there was less publicity, and being peremptorily ruled out on a demand for a screen.

"The next on the program," said Stover, as master of ceremonies, "is the champion of the d.i.c.kinson, the celebrated old-clothes man, Doctor Macnooder."

Macnooder gracefully acknowledged the applause which invariably attended his public performances and asked leave to make a speech, which was unanimously rejected.

"Very well, gentlemen," said Macnooder, taking off his coat and standing forth in a sudden blaze of rainbow underwear. "I will simply draw attention to this neat little bit of color that I have the honor to present to your inspection. It is the latest thing out in dainty fancies and I stand ready to fill all orders. It is rather springy, but why fall when you can spring? Don't applaud--you'll wake the baby. It is light, it is warm, it gives a sense of exhilaration to the skin. It endears you to your friends, and not even a Lawrenceville suds-lady would bite a hole in it----"

"If you don't get into bed," said d.i.n.k, "I'll rule you out."

Macnooder, thus admonished, hastened to his post, merely remarking on the distinction of his garters and impressionistic socks and the fact that he had incurred great expense to afford his schoolmates an equal opportunity.

"Are you ready?" said Turkey Reiter, for the indignant jury.

"One moment."

Macnooder, in bed, glanced carefully at the preparations without, turned on his side and brought his knees up under his chin.

"All ready?"