Ore no Nounai Sentakushi ga, Gakuen Rabukome o Zenryoku de Jama Shite Iru Vol 1 Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Yuuouji Ouka’s New World Part 1

“Snore~”

Chocolat of the Amakusa household was once again collapsed in a deep sleep.

“...Sigh, how should I deal with her this time.”

She slept with her mouth gaping wide open, leaving her completely defenseless.

I sighed and walked towards the edge of the bed.

“Hey...don’t do that!”

Just as I was about to reach an arm out to shake her awake, she cried out in a strange, yet somehow strangely arousing manner. Don’t tell me it’s going to be like that last time all over again...

“D-don’t do that, Natsuhiko-san!”

Natsuhiko? That’s one name I’ve never heard of, who could that be? Sounds as if he’s going to violate Chocolat or something...

“Natsuhiko-san, don’t a.s.sault Kanade-san while he’s unconscious, that’s too low!”

So it was me all along!

“Stop, it would be too predictable with Kanade-san as the uke, so of course it won’t be fun!” (TL note: Uke is a term used in yaoi to define the person at the ‘receiving end’...I don’t think i need to explain further.)

Couldn’t she have a better reason to stop him?

“I see...since you’re prepared for that, I don’t have any reason to stop you.”

Stop him already!

“Ah, Kanade-san’s almost awake, just use that chloroform-stained handkerchief of yours to knock him out again.” (TL note: Chloroform is a chemical that induces unconsciousness.

Why the h.e.l.l are you helping Natsuhiko!?

“You’re quite something, Natsuhiko-san, to begin your a.s.sault at a place like that. Ooh, Kanade-san’s hole -”

“Behave yourself already!”

I couldn’t take it any longer, so I slapped her until she awoke.

“Fumyu?”

Chocolat’s eyes were still half-open due to her fatigue, and she surveyed her surroundings nimbly.

“Huh, where’s Natsuhiko-san?”

“Who the h.e.l.l is that!?”

“Nom nom.”

Chocolat immediately filled her mouth with the miso mackerel I had prepared on the breakfast table cheerfully.

“Wasn’t it great that we at least managed to complete Yukihira Furano-san’s mission?”

“Oh, right, yeah I guess.”

“How exactly did you make her laugh in the end? Isn’t she usually the type of person who never smiles?”

“That was obviously because...of my natural comedic abilities.”

I intentionally obscured the subject matter, merely telling her that I succeeded without mentioning all that business with the banana peel, otherwise I would be in for it since she would make fun of me for that for the rest of my days.

“Mm~ so Furano-san enjoys watching people fail at comedy?”

This fellow really has no manners.

“Right, Kanade-san.”

Chocolat asked while peeling a pickled cuc.u.mber.

“I didn’t get the chance to try all forty-eight tickling methods from last night.”

“Ugh...”

This reawakened memories of having b.r.e.a.s.t.s straddling my back as well as a horribly corroding fragrance a.s.saulting my brain, not to mention all the side effects, so that method was definitely extremely dangerous.

“No more...no more tickling from now on.”

“Why not? I originally intended to try everything out tonight again, des.”

“If you do it again, I’ll only give you pinecones as a snack next time.”

“Y-your pinecone hara.s.sment is too much!”

What the heck is that...

“Hmm?”

My cellphone that I had put on the table earlier began ringing, but for some reason I had a bad feeling.

As expected, I received yet another order for a「Curse-Breaking Mission」. The second round really came pretty quick.

Who exactly is in charge of these things? With the previous G.o.d on maternity leave (?), the Flippant G.o.d had said earlier on the phone as well that he isn’t actually sure about this entire affair.

Anyway, there’s no point in thinking about such things for now. If I don’t first look at the details of the mission itself, I’ll never get anything done.

「Get a glance of what Yawakaze Konagi’s panties look like when being worn Deadline May 11th (Sat.u.r.day)」

...What? Wait, what? What exactly is this? No matter how many times I read the message, not a single letter of it changed.

Yawakaze Konagi...it is referring to THAT Yawakaze Konagi, right?

It was a name that anyone studying at Seikou High would have heard of, no matter whether they knew her in person or not.

Yawakaze Konagi is a second-year student currently ranked all the way up at number 3 of the Popular 5 rankings. Putting her naturally cute looks aside, her personality is apparently gentle as well, not to mention that she’s an airhead, which of course essentially makes her the walking personification of every man’s dreams.

She may not have as much personality as the other 4 on that list do, but her feminine cuteness itself is enough to garner popularity among the student population.

In fact, she was so popular that she actually has a group of students following her around like some sort of fan club all the time.

And I’m expected to sneak a peek at her panties...today is the 9th, a Thursday, which means the deadline is the day after tomorrow. Isn’t this a little too unreasonable?

“Kanade-san, is that a new mission?”

I nodded and told Chocolat the details.

“How exactly should I go about doing this?”

Hirano’s mission was hard enough, although making her laugh wasn’t exactly that much of a bad thing.

But for this mission, if a gust of wind would happen to just blow up her skirt with me in the line of sight it would be fine, but what the h.e.l.l are the odds of that?

“Calm down, I’ll help you buy something called「Ten Secrets of Peeking at Women’s Panties」.”

“Wait a second, a book like that doesn’t exactly exist right?”

Also the book that guaranteed to have methods to make anyone laugh was completely useless.

“I even found a book called「Ten Tricks to Prevent Natsuhiko-san from Entering Your Rear Entrance」.”

“Cut it out already! Who is that anyway?”

“He’s a professional gay.”

“Professional?”

“Yes, he’s on a completely different level from a part-time gay like you.”

“Your a.s.sumption is completely wrong in the first place!”

“Huh, don’t tell me you’re a professional as well?”

“That’s nonsense, I’m perfectly normal!”

“I see, which means you’re a cla.s.sic gay then.”

“OF COURSE NOT! I like girls!”

“Oh, so you stick it both ways.”

“To h.e.l.l with all that sticking business!”

Part 2

“Sigh...”

My mood once again fell a few notches as I remembered my task, even though I was already emotionally devastated by being called a gay the first thing in the morning.

“Look at her panties? No matter how you think about it, it’s impossible...wait?”

In the midst of my mumbling, I noticed someone familiar near the entrance to our school dormitories. It was Yukihira.

Since I didn’t know how she would react after what happened on the roof yesterday, I greeted her with a tinge of nervousness.

“...Oh, good morning, Yukihira.”

Yukihira turned around, meeting my gaze, and after a brief silence -

“Good morning, you useless trash with only an attack power of five.”

She was her usual self.

“You sure are energetic first thing in the morning, huh.”

“Good morning, Dodoria-san.”

“Why are you suddenly imitating Frieza...” (TL note: Dodoria is an underling of Frieza in Dragon Ball.)

“I’ll mention this as well, my bounty is fifty-three thousand Beris.” (TL note: Beris/belis/bellies are a currency used in the One Piece universe.)

“I have a feeling we’re in the wrong manga.”

And that bounty would probably only be befitting of a group of mountain bandits.

“From your looks, you don’t seem to know how large of an amount fifty-three thousand Beris is.”

Of course not, who would know with you mixing together all those universes like that.

“With that much money you could buy an entire mountain of empty capsules.”

“Why would you want that much?”

“So we can fill them with water and use them to save Namu’s village.” (TL note: Namu is another character from Dragon Ball.)

“You’ve been reading too much manga!”

Yep, it was definitely the usual Yukihira.

“Right, Amakusa-san, I apologize for showing you my embarra.s.sing side yesterday.”

Yesterday...she must be talking about how I slipped on that banana peel and caused her to laugh. The very subject matter I was trying to avoid was brought up by her instead.

“Since young I’ve been p.r.o.ne to laughing extremely hard easily. Normally this doesn’t happen but once someone manages to tickle my funny bone - especially with an overused punchline - I just explode.”

Her tone was completely calmed, and she didn’t seem to be embarra.s.sed in the slightest.

“I guess this is what they call contrast moe.” (TL note: Contrast moe - if that’s what you call it - is a trait where someone exhibits a personality trait completely opposite from his/her usual behavior and appearing moe in the process, for example where Yukihira’s contrast moe is her laughing which she doesn’t usually do.)

She even personally explained the entire thing, putting whether it was moe or not aside, her current actions were completely different from her usual self -

Wait, contrast?

This term gave me a strange feeling. What was it? It felt like something was creeping about in the dark corners of my mind.

That was probably related to Yukihira using her traditional memory-erasing methods on me when I was still emotionally scarred from stumbling upon those X-rated boy-on-boy scenes. Leaving that aside for now, I seem to have witnessed something with an immense contrast...

“Ah, I remember a little of it now. Yukihira, weren’t you kneeling down on the roof back then?”

“!”

Yukihira’s eyes suddenly shot wide open.

“Right, right, you seemed to have said something weird - eh?”

“...That’s strange, Yukihira?”

When I opened my eyes I saw Yukihira’s head appearing diagonally upwards within my field of vision. Why am I on the floor with my back against the wall? What happened? I felt the back of my head in an attempt to remember the events of the past few moments.

“Ouch!”

I felt a ma.s.sive b.u.mp, what the h.e.l.l had happened earlier? I stood up while ma.s.saging that sore, all the while attempting to regroup my thoughts.

I remembered that Chocolat called my a gay which made me briefly emotionally devastated, after which i went to school where I met Yukihira at the entrance to our school dormitories...what happened after that?

Suddenly Yukihira’s voice cut through my thoughts, and what she said was:

“Good morning, you useless trash with only an attack power of five.”

“You’ve been reading too much manga!”

Our conversation ended just after she mentioned something about Namu and punchlines, but just as I was about to ask her what happened -

“It’s too dangerous for me to say any more...I’ll be on my way first, Amakusa-san.”

As she left behind this mysterious last line, she turned around and rushed upstairs.

“Ah, wait!”

She suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around.

“Oh right, if you could just stay away from me for this period of time, I’ll be very happy.”

“What? Why?”

“Because you might spray out some weird stuff to make me pregnant.”

“Do you take me as some sort of wild beast!?”

Having spoken her mind, Yukihira disappeared from my sight at the end of the stairway.

Well, I knew that Yukihira has always been an oddball from the very start, but she seemed to be especially weird earlier.

Judging from the situation alone, it seemed that Yukihira had erased my memories once again...unless she said something that she didn’t want me to remember?

“?”

I felt a presence behind me, so I turned around.

It was a girl.

She walked straight towards me, as if she was thinking about something so hard that she was in her own world, not noticing me at all.

It would have probably been fine if I had just dodged a little to the side, but in the very instant that I saw her face and recognized who she was, my brain froze.

With my frozen body, and her state of aloofness, it was a foregone conclusion that we would crash into each other.

With a loud thump, she walked straight into my chest.

“Ouch, ouch...huh? What?”

She finally noticed my presence.

“Ah, I-I-I-I-I-I’m sorry!”

The color of her face instantly turned into a virulent shade of red, and she began retreating in rather exaggerated steps.

“Huh? Aahhhhh!”

She then managed to magically lose her balance on the flat surface of the corridor.

“Woah, be careful!”

She began wobbling from side-to-side.

“Waaaaaah!”

At long last, she collapsed onto the ground.

“Ugh...ouch.”

She actually managed to fall in such a position where her body was on the ground and her b.u.t.t was pointing up to the air. It was the first time I saw such a manga-like scenario happen in real life.

“You are...Yawakaze Konagi, right?”

Undoubtedly, she was the very Yawakaze Konagi who was ranked third among Seiko Academy’s Popular Five.

Which means she is the person whose panties I absolutely must peek at.

“Um, do I...do I have something on my face?”

c.r.a.p, I stared too long.

“Ah, it’s nothing, I was just going to ask you a question. Are you hurt?”

“Oh, no, it’s fine.”

Yawakaze stood up and straightened out her skirt. Her voice was sweet, without any modulations or accents, making it extremely calming to hear.

“I’m sorry for b.u.mping into you. I was thinking about what I want to eat later, so I forgot to pay attention to my surroundings...haha.”

She smiled shyly.

Her body seemed to emanate a gentle aura like a calm breeze, and her smile seemed as if it could calm any heart.

Yawakaze Konagi really lives up to her name. (TL note: This is referring to the Kanji of her name, 柔風小凪. The first two characters, 柔風, mean ‘gentle breeze’, while the last two characters, 小凪 mean ‘calming’.)

“I’m fine, but are you really alright? That fall seemed pretty heavy.”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine, I’m used to this - ah!”

Halfway through her sentence, a loud rumbling came from Yawakaze’s stomach.

Although that sound was rather cute, there was no doubt that it was her stomach growling.

“Ah, this, um...it-it’s nothing, it’s just that I kinda overslept, so I came to school without eating breakfast, so...ah, n-no! That wasn’t my stomach!”

I was going to pretend that I hadn’t heard anything, but since she said it herself, I guess it can’t be helped. Her face was completely red, and she swung her arms about fl.u.s.teredly.

W...what kind of moe creature is this? (TL note: Moe is the typical otaku term for something that is cute.)

I see, so this is the true power of the Popular Five. I realized something else during this first encounter with Yawakaze.

Yes, it was that a cute girl with a normal personality like her could be this cute.

Judging by appearances alone, Yuuouji, Yukihira and Yawakaze are all extreme beauties with hardly any slivers of differences between them, hence any attempt to judge the three would be up to personal preference alone.

Personality-wise, however, is a different story.

Anything that comes out of Yukihira’s mouth is either insults or lame jokes, while Yuuouji is in essence nothing but an immature grade-schooler.

Compared to those two weirdos, Yawakaze Konagi would seem to be an unbelievably pure young girl, even more so that she actually is.

“Oh, what am I still thinking about.”

This isn’t the time to be comparing. I still had the dilemma of peeking at Yawakaze’s panties within the next three days to think about.

“Um, are you Amakusa Kanade-san?”

Having snapped out of her previous embarra.s.sed state, she asked me an unexpected question.

“Huh, yeah, that’s me.”

Considering how famous (for the wrong reasons) I am, there was no surprise that she would know my name and reputation. However, her tone seemed to be implying other things.

“I see. Ouka mentions you a lot.”

“Ouka? Right, you mean Yuuouji. You know her?”

“I don’t just know her, we’re pretty good friends too. We were cla.s.smates in first grade.”

Yawakaze smiled.

“Hmm?”

A strange feeling suddenly came over me. Although this should be the first time I’m getting in close contact with Yawakaze, her smile seemed somewhat familiar.

Do I know anyone like her?If I knew someone with such a dazzling smile, I definitely would not have forgotten that person...nope, I can’t think of anyone.

Forget it, these questions aren’t important, I should be concentrating on the mission at hand.

The fact that Yuuouji and Ouka are friends with each other would be a hugely beneficial piece of information for my mission.

Having a mutual friend would definitely help out in conversations or small talk. This might be the first time that Yuuouji left a positive impact on my life. First the coincidental meeting, then this unexpected discovery should give me a rather large head start. It may be impossible to just talk her into showing me her panties, but I guess it still helps in a way.

Sadly -

“W...what?”

My personal Grim Reaper, the Absolute Choices, bared its fangs and blew out the flickering candle of hope that had just been lit within my heart.

As I read the choices over again and again, the only thought I was able to muster was, **** you, you **** G.o.d.

“Amakusa-san, is something wrong?”

Yawakaze looked at me and asked. Her large and beady eyes were incredibly cute. They were seriously, dangerously cute.

I looked into those eyes and said blatantly to her:

“Cut the c.r.a.p, could you let me see your panties?”

Part 3

“Ouch...dammit.”

My body was still aching even though it was approaching noon.

I could only collapse on my desk and recall the events from earlier.

After I said that line to Yawakaze, a large and burly hand immediately grabbed onto my shoulder.

I didn’t know that person, but the color of his tie told me that he was a third-year. While I was still trying to figure out who he was, that hand was already mercilessly dragging me away from the scene.

In the midst of my confusion, I noticed that i was being dragged into some sort of narrow and dark place. What waited for me there was a group of male students, all emanating an immense murderous intent.

I probably don’t need to elaborate about what happened next.

I’m guessing that was the fabled Yawakaze Guard.

I had previously heard that Yawakaze had a personal troop of followers that operated by a special code of actions, namely that they would watch over each other and prevent any one of them from confessing to her. I figured that it wasn’t like she was some sort of celebrity anyway, so they probably didn’t exist. Sadly, they did.

However, this troupe of hers is independently formed by the students themselves, so they didn’t hold any actual administrative powers within the school.

Normally speaking, they wouldn’t prevent a non-member like me from talking to Yawakaze...unless I perform some major act of s.e.xual hara.s.sment.

「Choose: ① “Cut the c.r.a.p, could you let me see your panties?”

② Take off your underwear on the spot and ask to exchange it with hers (just like footballers do).」

I’m not the kind of “hero” who would pick the latter option. Essentially speaking, Absolute Choices are usually made up of a horrible choice, and another even more horrible choice.

I’m honestly sorry for having to say something like that to her. If someone you didn’t know came up to you and asked to see your underwear, I bet you would feel uncomfortable as well.

“Amacchi, Amacchi.”

Something poked my shoulder from behind, interrupting my train of thought.

“Oh, it’s Yuuouji. I’m thinking about something, so leave me alone for a while.”

I had no time to fool around with her, what’s important now is to figure out how to apologize to Yawakaze about the panties, then ask her once again, more formally this time, to show them to me...I’m contradicting myself.

“What are you underwear-ing about?”

“W-what do you mean?”

Yuuouji’s question shocked me so much that I went into a falsetto.

“In cla.s.s earlier, weren’t you muttering ‘underwear’ throughout the lesson?”

...s.h.i.+t, I let out my thoughts without thinking.

“It’s nothing, but since you were going on and on about it I just wanted to know whether you have any underwear-related troubles.”

Man, I just had to attract the most annoying one of all.

“It’s nothing...nothing to do with you.”

“Haha, there’s no need to be embarra.s.sed. Just let me, the walking Underwear Dictionary share your burden with you.”

You should be the one embarra.s.sed for having a nickname like that.

Isn’t the embarra.s.sed at all despite spouting the word ‘underwear’ at all so many times?

It might be by the same logic as how grade-schoolers would snicker while repeating meaningless words like ‘p.o.o.p’ or ‘pee-pee’, but this young lady over here is in her second year of high school already...forget it, that’s Yuuouji for you.

“Hmm, I bet Amacchi just wants to look at panties, right??”

“Pfft! I-I never said that!”

I spat loudly, having had my mind seemingly read by her.

“Sigh, you let out everything earlier anyway. I was just pretending that I only heard a little in order to mess with you.”

What...did you say? You’re telling me that I forgot someone like you was sitting behind me, but also said everything about Yawakaze without realizing...my subconscious is horrifying.

Since the cat’s out of the bag already anyway, the only thing I can do now is to prevent Yuuouji from letting it loose.

“Yuuouji, please don’t say anything about this to her.”

Asking to see her panties to her face was bad enough, but if she knew that I was muttering about all that even in cla.s.s our relations.h.i.+p would definitely deteriorate to the point of no return.

“Right, I get it, I won’t tell her. Anyway, Amacchi, why would you want to see her panties anyway?”

“That’s what I want to know myself. I’d never met Yawakaze before until today -”

“...Oh~?”

Yuuouji’s lips twisted in a sneer.

“I see~ so Amacchi wants to look at ‘’that’’ Yawakaze Konagi’s panties, huh.”

Huh? Didn’t she say that she had heard everything earlier, so why would she react in this manner...unless!

“Huh, how strange~ I never even asked whose panties it was, but this man over here revealed it himself. How interesting~”

c.r.a.p...I fell for it,hook, line and sinker.

Her tricking me was bad enough, but the fact that she had to imitate that little p.r.i.c.k Odagawa Conan’s voice while doing enough p.i.s.ses me off even more. (TL note: This is referring to the t.i.tular character of the manga series Detective Conan.)

“Since the truth’s out, how about you be honest with me now?”

“No, I don’t want to say anything to someone like you.”

“Hmm, you’re not in the position to be saying things like that, aren’t you? Konacchi’s my good friend, so it would be easy for me to destroy her impression of you, you know?”

Ugh...in an instant, the fact that the two girls knew each other turned from an advantage to a disadvantage.

“Come on, it’s better to suffer now than later, so out with it already.”

It’s practically impossible to dissuade Yuuouji from doing something when her curiosity is aroused. Since things have went this far, it would be better to tell her the truth then find a way to make her shut up rather than lie about it. Of course, I have to gloss over the important parts about the mission and all.

In order to avoid any misunderstandings, I spoke in a solemn manner:

“Yuuouji, due to some unwanted and unchangeable circ.u.mstances, I must peek at Yawakaze’s panties before Sunday,”

“Hoho, to think that you could say something like this with a straight face. Good on you, Amacchi.”

Who was the one that wanted me to do it in the first place?

“Trust me, my reasons are completely legitimate.”

I don’t want anyone to think that I’m some sort of pervert who just wants to think of panties, even if that person is Yuuouji,.

“Mm, so you want to see Konacchi’s panties, but you’re not doing this for your own lecherous needs?”

I nodded. “Looking at Yawakaze’s panties” is but a stepping stone on my quest to rid myself of Absolute Choices and nothing else.

“I see~ which means you, dear sir, wish to look at panties for no conscious reason. That’s deep...in fact it’s so deep that it’s practically philosophical territory now.”

Are you trying to get all those long-gone philosophers to rise up from the grave to come after you with all that nonsense you’re spouting?

“Think for a second, weren’t there some pioneers of Underwear-ism within the ranks of those ancient thinkers?”

“Apologize to Aristotle immediately!”

“Not to mention that many commonplace idioms and proverbs these days have their roots in underwear as well.”

Under Yuuouji’s influence, the conversation was being steered towards rather undesirable areas.

“Um, I can’t think of any.”

“For example, all roads lead to underwear.”

“Nonsense! Unless you’re telling me the capital of Italy has been a pair of underwear all this time!”

“Also,「Boys, be underwear!」...no, it’s「wear underwear」.” (TL note: This is a parody of William S. Clarke’s famous quote: Boys, be ambitious!)

“I’m pretty sure that’s not the only mistake!”

“Et underwear, Brutus!” (TL note: This is a parody of Julius Caesar’s alleged last words as he was stabbed to death while exiting the Senate. Upon seeing that his adopted son and confidante Brutus was one of his a.s.sailants, he cried out “Toi aussi, Brutus!”, meaning “You too, Brutus!”)(!))

“Leave Brutus alone!”

“I am a cat, and I have yet no underwear.” (TL note: This is a parody of the opening line of Natsume Souseki’s famous novel, I am a Cat, which reads ‘I am a cat, and I have yet no name.’)

“Cats don’t need underwear!”

“Because you said ‘Hey, this tastes great!’, henceforth July the sixth shall be our Underwear Anniversary.” (TL note: This is a parody of a line from a famous poem by Tawara Machi, Salad Anniversary, which reads ‘Because you said “Hey, this tastes great!”, henceforth July the sixth shall be our Salad Anniversary.’)

“What kind of occasion is that!”

“Heaven does not create underwear above or below another underwear.” (TL note: This is a parody of a famous quote from j.a.panese philosopher f.u.kuzawa Yuichi, “It is said that heaven does not create one man above or below another man.”)

“What are you trying to say!”

“Because I have the ability to look at myself objectively, unlike your underwear!” (TL note: This is a parody of former j.a.panese Prime Minister, Yasuo f.u.kuda’s reb.u.t.tal towards a reporter: “Because I have the ability to look at myself objectively, unlike you.”)

“Of course you can’t!”

Wait...s.h.i.+t, I got distracted again.

“But, why would you want to see Konacchi’s panties? Do you like her or something?”

That’s what I want to ask as well.

“Nope, this has nothing to do with emotions.”

To be honest, I did feel that Yawakaze is extremely cute after our encounter, so if you were to ask me whether I like her I guess I can only agree.

However, it was a different kind of “Like” than what Yuuouji specified, instead it’s more of a liking in the sense of how someone would like a television celebrity.

“So Amacchi’s saying that you don’t care about whether you like her or not, you just want to see a girl’s panties?”

“Uh...I guess.”

“So even if it’s a girl you don’t like, you would pull off her panties and sniff them deeply?”

“I never said that...”

“So you want to grab a girl’s panties, sniff them then breathesmoochsavorlicksmela.s.sfdgg...”

“Stop speaking alien!”

Just as I raised my voice, I heard someone else’s voice coming from behind me.

“Um...I’m sorry for interrupting your pleasant conversation...”

As I turned around, I found our cla.s.s monitor staring back at me. For the record, I’m not feeling pleasant at all, and neither was our conversation.

Never mind that for now. Our monitor who would usually have a bright smile plastered on her face now looked at me in a somewhat fearful yet condescending fas.h.i.+on, I wonder why is that so?

Don’t tell me she overheard our conversation from earlier and she thinks that I’m actually a person who would do things like that...probably so.

“Amakusa-san, someone’s looking for you.”

I followed our monitor’s gaze.

“Looking for me? Now who - huh?”

Standing in the corridor was Yawakaze Konagi.

“Hey, isn’t that Yawakaze?” “Oh my goodness, she’s really d.a.m.n pretty.” “Why would she be looking for Amakusa...”

My cla.s.smates had noticed her presence as well, and they began murmuring to each other.

“Ah, pantsu Konacchi is here!”

“Stop your nonsense!”

“Ah, Konacchi’s coming over with those panties that Amacchi wants to see!”

“That’s even worse!”

Mustering all the energy I could to prevent Yuuouji from following me, I rushed out the door and slammed it shut behind me.

“Yawakaze, why are you looking for me all of a sudden?”

I originally figured that she would be hear to complain about what happened this morning, but it didn’t seem like she was, and besides it’s not like she’s that kind of a person.

Just as I was about to ask again, she replied.

“Um, is this yours?”

In the palm of her outstretched hand was a blue checkered handkerchief.

“Huh? Oh, it’s mine. I didn’t even notice I dropped it.”

It probably fell out while I was being dragged off earlier. Now why would she personally deliver that to someone like me who gave her such a horrible first impression?

“Really? That’s great.”

Also, she doesn’t seem to be harboring any malicious intent. To think that she can still smile so innocently, is she some sort of angel descended from the heavens?

“I apologize for the inconvenience, and thank you as well.”

“Oh, um, it’s nothing, actually...”

Even after pa.s.sing the handkerchief to me, Yawakaze didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving yet. As she saw my confused expression, she looked down in embarra.s.sment, then said awkwardly:

“Actually...about this morning...”

There was no need to go on further since she could only be referring to the panties incident. I was contemplating how to deal with this situation, but she did it for me anyway.

“How should I put this...I’m really sorry.”

“Ah, it’s alright, I’m not here to ask for an apology. Um, to be honest I’ve never had a guy ask me anything like that before, so I was kinda at a loss for words.”

Understandable.

“So...I’m sorry. I’m embarra.s.sed for having to say this too but...I think that stuff like panties should only be shown to the people you like.”

“Gah!”

I nearly coughed up blood. I’m not joking, isn’t this against the law or something? Where has she been living all her life to be incapable of even holding suspicion against others? Has she only been a.s.sociating with saints and angels all this time? You’re telling me she hasn’t even seen the dark side of society even after living for over a decade?

I finally understood how her fan club must feel. No one should have her to themselves, for she belongs to everyone!

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of guilt overcame me. What did I tell this girl? Let me see your panties? ...I should die.

“I’m really sorry!”

It was then that I realized that a motion like kneeling down and kowtowing isn’t a conscious motion, but rather a reflex of the body.

“Ah, Amakusa-san, please don’t...”

Despite Yawakaze’s pleading, my forehead never left the floor.

Right there, I swore to myself - screw all those Absolute Choices and whatnot, I’m done, go eat a pile of s.h.i.+t. G.o.d? To h.e.l.l with him, I won’t be pushed around by anyone else any longer, if you’re not happy with that -

「Choose: ① “So when will you let me see your panties?”

② To h.e.l.l with it all, just become her panties and get over with it.」

...And they just had to arrive now. Why would you do something like that? And I had mustered up all my courage for that too, what exactly is your problem with me? Are you an idiot? Do you wanna die?

...Fine, I get it, talking won’t do me any good.

As usual, option number 1 is terrible, but number 2 seems kinda creepy this time round. If it means what I think it does, I might not even be able to stay human.

If this was a computer game, I would probably have picked that option for a laugh, but there are no save nor load states in real life.

In the end, I could only pick ①.

Normally I would just pick it already and then go home to cry myself to sleep, but this was a different case. I absolutely could not allow those words to taint this pure young maiden - Yawakaze Konagi’s ears.

“Ugh...”

My head began throbbing in bursts of violent pain, as if the Choices themselves were forcing me to make a decision.

But right now, all I want to do is defeat this G.o.dd.a.m.n curse!

“AAAAAAHHHHH!”

I contorted my face violently in my efforts to resist the pain, but to no avail.

“Amakusa-san, are you alright?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine-AAAARRRGHGHHHHHH!”

The extreme pain caused me to cry out. This is bad, this is bad, this is really bad! This feels worse than any pain I’ve felt! If this goes on I’ll really die!

Yawakaze...please forgive me!

“Argh...hah...hah...so, when, will you...let me...see your panties?”

As I finished my sentence, the tendrils of pain coiling around my head immediately disappeared.

“Huh? Eh? P-panties? Didn’t I just say that you should only be showing those things to the people you like!?”

Yawakaze is cute even when she’s fl.u.s.tered. She’s so d.a.m.n cute.

Just as I was about to lose myself in her cuteness, a hand fell upon my shoulder.

“Who’s - oh.”

I turned around to face the large guy from earlier.

“Please follow me for a while.”

Part 4

“Ow...dammit.”

What waited for me at our destination was once again nothing but a torrent of violent insults and equally violent beatings.

“What are you trying to do to Yawakaze-san!” “To think someone from the Reject Five like you would want to talk to Kona-chan, wait a hundred more years instead!” “You dare say something like that to our dear Yawakaze-chan? Just die already!” “Oh? This guy’s b.u.t.t actually looks pretty good.”

...I hope I misheard that last one.

Back to the topic, this defence is a little too exaggerated. Having guards patrolling around her during every single break is pretty much borderline stalking, right?

At long last, I managed to drag my aching body back to my cla.s.sroom.

“Hoho~ I see that you’ve been taught a good lesson.”

Yuuouji sneered at me from her seat right behind mine.

“Amacchi, do you need my help?”

“With?”

“You know, with Kona-chan’s panties.”

What the h.e.l.l is she talking about now?

“Why?”

“Because it’s fun.”

She replied without an ounce of thought.

“Because it’s fun? Why, you...”

“Hmm? Is there something wrong? Would you like me to do boring things instead?”

Yuuouji replied defiantly, causing me to be momentarily at a loss for words. Using adjectives like fun and boring as objective standards for actions are clearly childish actions, contrary to her age.

As humans grow older, the burdens they have to carry increases, not to mention the behavior expected of them varies as well, thus the things they can do slowly decrease.

Sure, behavior expected of a high-schooler may not be comparable to that of, say, a social worker, but we still have such restrictions...sadly for Yuuouji, that doesn’t seem to be the case. How tragic.

“Let’s look at this from your position, are you sure you should be doing something like that? I’m trying to peek at your friend’s panties, you know?”

“Amacchi, your words don’t seem to match your actions.”

“Huh?”

Yuuouji didn’t give me a direct answer.

“Don’t you always say something weird or do weird things? I have a feeling that doesn’t seem to be the real you.”

My body tensed up unconsciously.

“But, it doesn’t seem like you’re acting or you have some sort of schizophrenic disorder, instead it feels like you’re being forced into doing these things, which is why that sense of reluctance is there. Are you hiding a secret?”

Yuuouji giggled as she finished her sentence.

I was speechless. She may not have guessed the existence of the Absolute Choices, but she was close enough.

“So, because you’re so interesting, let me observe you for a little longer!”

She suddenly darted forward until her forehead was mere centimeters from mine.

“Hey, what are you...!”

I hurriedly backed away.

Although Yuuouji is incredibly childish and immature, there’s no dispute that she’s unbelievably beautiful for her age.

Being a perfectly healthy and fit teenage male, there’s no way to resist such charm especially when it’s directly in front of me.

“Huh?”

Conversely, Yuuouji didn’t seem to notice anything, She...is she really sixteen?

No; even though she was somewhat short, her over-developed chest and the small s.n.a.t.c.h of waist revealed underneath her vest both indicated that she was way above the standard of that of a normal sixteen-year-old. It’s just that her brain’s somewhat undeveloped.

“Can’t you just...never mind, forget what I said.”

“Huh?”

Attempting to explain to her the attraction between people of the opposite s.e.x would be like attempting to get a monkey to write Shakespeare. Her condition was so bad that sometimes I wonder whether she should just continue bathing with her parents or something.

“Heh. Amacchi, no matter how much you may hate it, you can’t escape me.”

Yuuouji seemed to have misunderstood my retreat. Despite the difference in character and gender, she still reminded me of a stereotypical harem male lead.

Every single time I see characters like those acting completely oblivious to various advances from all sorts of girls, I feel like killing someone.

Anyway, that’s just my pet peeve, back to the topic...Yuuouji made me realize that people like that might actually exist in the real world.

After seeing her manage to sniff out my predicaments so easily earlier, it’s genuinely hard to believe that she can have such a disparity between her intelligence and personality.

“Having went through this past month, I feel like I pretty much understand Amacchi now. I can tell that you weren’t lying earlier when you said you aren’t doing this for lecherous means.”

Yuuouji changed the subject in an instant, her tone dripping with confidence.

“I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but do you really believe something as suspicious as that?”

“Is there anything strange about that? When two people have known each other for long enough, isn’t it only reasonable that they can read each other’s thoughts through gazes and gestures alone?”

The indignant and yet self-indulgent, honest tone that she spoke in made me question her state of mind yet again.

“Honestly, Konacchi has a very low immunity towards guys, so if we don’t hurry up to think of a way to peek at her panties, this might turn out poorly in future.”

Putting her panties aside, at least we saw eye-to-eye.

There aren’t exactly any students with actual disciplinary issues over here in Seiko High, and taking Yawakaze’s fan club into consideration as well, she shouldn’t be in any actual danger; but when she moves on to university in the big city, she might b.u.mp into some hooligans who would do weird things to her.

Well, if I were one of those hooligans I would definitely want to do weird things to her. Let me specify once again, only “If I were one of those hooligans”.

Speaking of which, Yuuouji’s brains only really s.h.i.+ne when she’s thinking of helping others. Even if the subject matter is panties.

However, when the three of us including Yukihira are together, she seems to be able to understand all the dirty punchlines she makes, so it’s not that she doesn’t know about those things, it’s just that she fails to make the connection between those things to herself.

“Hmm, things are starting to get interesting.”

Yuuouji appeared as excited as a young child.

“Ah...”

As I saw her expression, I instantly realized why I felt a sense of familiarity from my very first conversation with Yawakaze.

It was because of Yuuouji.

Don’t misunderstand me, Yawakaze and Yuuouji are extremely different, in fact you could even call them polar opposites, but I’m not referring to anything material like appearances or actions. How should I put it, I’m referring to the essence of their beings.

Both of them could express their own true feelings without any modifications nor alterations. The closest adjective I can use to describe people like them is, well, pure.

This essence of theirs could be briefly glimpsed through every single action and movement of theirs. That was why these two people could give me the same impression despite being so different otherwise.

However, no matter how similar their qualities were, the nature of these qualities were extremely different, with Yawakaze being traditionally pure, in a sense.

“Hehe, Konacchi, just you wait and see how I’ll show your panties to the world.”

As I looked at Yuuouji who was sneering while contemplating how to get a guy to peek at her best friend’s panties, a strange phrase, ‘Impure purity’ surfaced in my mind.

Part 5

“...Sigh.”

I halted my footsteps right outside my own house, It seems that I’ve been sighing quite a lot these few days.

I was planning to apologize to Yawakaze after school, but sadly I was deterred by her bodyguards. It seems that they’ve placed their full attention on me after those two incidents.

Yuuouji said that she would think of a plan by tonight, but to be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, considering the lack of resources I had at hand.

As for what kind of resources would come in handy for peeking at panties, please don’t ask.

“Oh, Kanade-san, welcome home.”

I pushed open the door to my house weakly only to see Chocolat skip merrily towards me.

“Hmm? Why do you seem so down today?”

“Let’s just say the circ.u.mstances of my mission have become rather messed up.”

Chocolat suddenly sneered as she heard this,

“Hehe~ let me tell you something, I managed to get something extremely useful for you today.”

She handed me a book. She couldn’t be referring to that 「Ten Secrets of Peeking at Women’s Panties」...right?

「Ten Surefire Methods to Acquire Women’s Panties~ You Too Can Be the Next King of Perverts!~」

“This is even worse!”

T-the t.i.tle says acquire, you heard me? Acquire! Also, the subt.i.tle’s just being an a.s.shole.

Even someone without a brain would be able to tell that the contents would be just as bad as last time’s...

“It took me a really long time to find this!”

However when faced with Chocolat’s bushy, waggling tail as well as her expression that seemed to be saying “Please praise me!”, I just couldn’t bring myself to reject her.

“Fine, I’ll take a look or two.”

“Here you go!”

Followed by Chocolat whose eyes were glittering in excitement, I walked over to the couch in the living room and flipped the book open.

This incredibly thick book somehow had a content summary page, so I started there.

「① Steal.」

Why are they using such drastic measures right off the bat!?

「Explanation: This should only be used as a last resort.」

Then don’t put it at the front of the book! And don’t encourage illegal activities!

「② Tears.」

What’s this supposed to mean, do I have to cry while begging the other party to give me her panties or something...? Nah, too strange...probably not.

「Explanation: An example would go something like “Sob...cry...p-please, just give me...your panties...already...huh? You don’t want to? ...Sob...don’t! Don’t...stop delaying it already...g-give them to me...sob...give...me...”」

Don’t you know what the word “Dignity” means!?

「Footnote: Your pa.s.sionate tears will definitely touch her heart.」

That won’t happen even if the sun rises in the west!

「③ Use “I left my underwear at home, so could you lend me yours?” as an excuse.」

Why is the tone this casual!?

「Explanation: Try and smile the brightest smile you can while trying this, as it’ll probably increase your chances of success.」

That’ll just make it seem even more disgusting!

「Footnote: You can always pray that she’s wearing white panties and that she would say something like “Oh, what a coincidence. Now I just have to lend them to you!”」

What normal, sane girl would do that!?

「④ Syllogism.」

Syllogism? I think I heard about that somewhere before.

I remember it was some logical argument that relied on making a conclusion from two other established and co-related facts, something along the lines of “Humans are mortal” -> “I am a human” -> “Therefore I am mortal”.

「Explanation: Something like “All males like women’s panties.” -> “I’m a male, and you’re a woman.” -> “Therefore you must give me your panties.”」

That’s the worst logic I’ve ever heard!

「⑤ Use the Three-Step Process of acquiring panties.」

Three-Step Process? That seems new,

「Explanation: Pull up her skirt -> Rip off her panties -> Profit.」

That’s just a description of a crime!

「Footnote: I suddenly thought up a concept of a goblin that steals panties, so I wrote it out here.」

Keep those things to yourself!

「⑥ Go to those kind of shops to buy them.」

Slow down a little, this may be the fastest method, but it doesn’t seem right...

「Explanation: Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can buy used panties.」

That sentence seems deeper than it should be...

「Footnote: But used panties can bring some people happiness...what exactly is happiness?」

Don’t ask me!

「⑦ Raise your fists in the air and shot “I want a girl’s panties!”」

This was...what Oolong did, right? (TL note: This is a reference to a supporting character in Dragon Ball, Oolong, whose first wish to Shenrong was a pair of female panties.)

「Explanation: This will only end in tragedy if Shenrong’s not around.」

Which basically means it’ll always end in tragedy!

「⑧ It’s just a pair of panties, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!」

I bet you just wanted to write this for the h.e.l.l of it!

「Explanation: Sorry, i just put this one in for fun.」

I knew it!

「⑨ Join Underwear-ism.」

Now what the h.e.l.l is that...

「Explanation: When attending any one of their meetings, members are only permitted to wear a single piece of underwear.」

If this thing really exists it must be some sort of paradise for males.

「Footnote: Only males are allowed to join.」

Ugh!

「⑩ Steal.」

Now we’re back to square one!?

「Explanation: I...uh, really can’t think of a tenth one.」

Then don’t write the book in the first place!

「Footnote: Never mind, since you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’ll be able to think of even more ways to acquire women’s panties.」

Bulls.h.i.+t, you just couldn’t think of another way!

「Good luck!」

Shut up!

“Bulls.h.i.+t...this is complete bulls.h.i.+t.”

I had already mentally prepared myself for the worst, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

“Hmm, was it that bad? The insider reports on Underwear-ism were pretty interesting.”

“Bleh...I bet you just like it because you’re a fujos.h.i.+.” (TL note: Fujos.h.i.+ refers to a female that likes yaoi, commonly referred to as boy’s love: BL.)

“Also, this book actually has ninety percent of it covering that topic.”

“Which basically means the t.i.tle is complete c.r.a.p!”

Needless to say, this must be UOG’s fault. It may not have been directly penned by Yuuouji, but anyone seeing this would definitely have their impressions of her take a huge hit.

“Kanade-san, here.”

Chocolat suddenly stretched her head towards me...does she want me to pet it?

“Hehe.”

I’ll do just that then. Chocolat’s tail shot up straight while her head was being stroked, and she began smiling from ear to ear.

Alright, since she bought this book for my sake anyway, if this makes her happy I won’t be stingy about it. To be honest, she’s still pretty cute this way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m referring to the kind of cute as in how a master would call his pet cute -

“What are you doing this time?”

Chocolat suddenly put her hands on her hips and puffed up her chest.

“Here, praise me more.”

Didn’t I just pet you?

“What’s that, you don’t need to be shy, OK? Here, use all the praises you know and shower me with them...ah, unless you’re dwarfed by the sheer extent of my greatness? Hmm, then use material things to reward me instead. Right, tonight I intend on eating Wagyu beef -” (TL note: Wagyu beef is a type of premier j.a.panese beef.)

“Oi, don’t go too far.”

I flicked her forehead lightly.

“Ow! K-Kanade-san’s bullying me...”

Her tail sagged flatly. How does that thing even work?

“Ah, Kanade-san, earlier you said that you b.u.mped into some difficulties. So you met Yawakaze-san already?”

Chocolat transitioned from being at the verge of tears to smiling once again in a mere ten seconds, once again displaying her ability to undergo extreme mood swings.

“You could say that...”

In order to change the subject from all that praising, I told Chocolat about everything that had happened.

“I see. To think that they actually took notice of Kanade-san’s b.u.t.t, there must be some really strong ones over in her fan club.”

Although she did end up placing her attention on what was arguably the most unimportant detail of the whole story, that once again piqued my curiosity on the guy’s s.e.xuality.

“Speaking of which, Yawakaze’s just too innocent, so I kinda feel bad for having to drag her into things like this.”

“Hmm, I see. Fine, in order to minimize your potential guilt, I’ll rehea.r.s.e with you for a while.”

“Wait, why?”

I didn’t know what to think of that proposition.

“There aren’t that many people around that are more innocent than me. Here, I’ll chat with you, anything to make you happy!:

I get it, this little puppy doesn’t have any shred of self-awareness. I’ll just use this opportunity to point that out.

“Chocolat, I’m going to tell you something very important - innocence may be similar to airheaded-ness at first glance, but they’re actually very far apart.”

“Hmm? So that Yawakaze-san’s an airhead?”

“I’m referring to you!”

“H-huh?”

“Don’t you ‘Huh?’ me!”

“Oh, I get it. So your eyes are just useless holes.”

“Your BRAIN is a useless hole!”

Part 5

The next day, the first thing that Yuuouji said as she stepped into cla.s.s was:

“Aye, Commander of the Conquest for Yawakaze’s Panties, Amacchi, good morning!”

“Too loud, too long and too confusing!”

I wouldn’t really have minded if any of my cla.s.smates had heard that, but if anyone within the Yawakaze fan club were to hear that I shudder to think of my potential fate. Yuuouji dragged me over to her seat and asked:

“Amacchi, have you figured out a good way to get a glimpse of Konacchi’s panties?”

I shook my head. I got a feeling that the main problem we were dealing with wasn’t the methods available.

Although technically I could forcefully pull up her skirt to expose her panties, I felt that it would be too immoral, and besides I don’t have the b.a.l.l.s.

So I sacrificed my sleep and thought through the night, but sadly to no avail.

“Konacchi’s an extreme airhead, so there’s the possibly that she might trip over and expose her panties in the process.

Hmm, she did after all display her talent for falling over during our very first encounter. It’s just that she follows the school rules to the book, so her skirt is longer than most girls here, completely different from Yuuouji’s which was way shorter than most.

Basically even if she were to fall over in an extremely exaggerated manner with her b.u.t.t in the air and all, I don’t think her panties would even come close to showing. I shouldn’t be expecting something like that to happen.

Not to mention that I just can’t entrust my fate to random chance based on the currently limited time that I have.

“We could also try to copy the typical shoujo manga style, you know like when she’s rus.h.i.+ng to school because she’s late, intentionally dash out the corner she’s turning and b.u.mp into her. You never know, she might be biting onto a pair of panties instead of a half-eaten piece of bread.” (TL note: In j.a.panese, the p.r.o.nunciation of ‘panties’ and ‘bread’ is similar.)

“Bulls.h.i.+t! Who the h.e.l.l would mistake panties for toast like that!?”

“Hmm, if you put it as toast it doesn’t sound similar any longer.”

“Come on, just because two things sound similar it doesn’t mean they look similar.”

“Huh, but don’t Inoki and Koinoki look similar?” (TL note: She’s referring to j.a.panese wrestlers Antonio Inoki and Antonio Koinoki.)

“That’s because it’s an intentional imitation!”

Are you kidding me...fine, she’s actually kidding me.

“Heh, relax, Amacchi. I was just fooling around earlier, but I do have a secret weapon up my sleeve.”

Yuuouji pulled out a suspicious-looking bottle from her pocket.

“Hey...that’s not「Abazuren Z」again, is it?”

“Nah it’s not, it’s too dangerous, so it got confiscated.”

That was good news. She has her own problems to deal with, while UOG has its corporate morals to uphold.

It was a world-famous transnational corporation after all, which made complete sense, but they still had exceptions like UOG Publis.h.i.+ngs...anyway it’s a good thing they recalled a product like that.

“So, here’s my newly concocted drug, ta-dah~!”

Yuuouji raised the bottle and yelled.

Hmm...can things like those really be made over the span of a single night?

“Here, for you.”

I took the bottle from her, feeling about ten percent antic.i.p.ation and ninety percent fear while doing so. The liquid within the bottle was somewhat sticky, so it’s probably for external application and not for consumption. Looking at the label, the product’s name was hand-written on it.「Skirt-lifting Ointment」. A frank yet uncreative name like that began slowly pus.h.i.+ng my feelings of antic.i.p.ation towards zero.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to say something like as long as I rub this on her she’ll have the desire to lift up her skirt?”

“Yep, that’s exactly it.”

Yuuouji nodded cheerfully, but I wasn’t about to buy it just like that.

「Abazuren Z」may have good effects as an aphrodisiac, but achieving an effect like that of this「Skirt-lifting Ointment」seemed too good to be true. In fact, it was almost like magic.

“To be precise, they’ll end up lifting up their skirts. The area that this ointment is applied on will momentarily be extra sensitive towards pain, so for example if one were to rub it on her thigh she would feel extremely uncomfortable just if their skirt were to brush past the area.”

Well, at least that makes more sense.

“So is this dangerous?”

“Ah, calm down, the effects wear off very quickly. I used my mom as a test subject this morning.”

“What do you take your mother as!”

I seem to recall that her mother had been used as a guinea pig for「Azaburen Z」as well.

“My mother’s a huge M anyway, so she naturally enjoys being experimented on or being someone’s lab rat.” (TL note: M = m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t)

“Isn’t that a little too unexpected!?”

Huge M? Kyouka Yuuouji? To someone who’s used to seeing her calm demeanor delivering speeches on television like me, I just can’t imagine the thought.

“Let me just ask...what happened?”

“She was in so much pain she began crying out, and immediately took her skirt off.”

“Throw that stuff away NOW!”

Jokes may be jokes, but fantasizing can sometimes go too far.

Deducing from Yuuouji’s age, her mother must be at the very least in her thirties, but from all her appearances in media she seems to be no older than twenty.

To have such a beauty like her take off her skirt...that must be heaven.

Nonononono, why am I fantasizing about my cla.s.smate’s mom like that? Am I a pervert?

“You can’t just use something this potent on Yawakaze.”

“But my mom later was very happy about it. She even said it felt pretty good.”

“Only your mom would