Harper's Round Table, July 2, 1895 Part 10

KNAVE OF HEARTS. My lord, my lord, I would but say one word in explanation.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou shalt say nothing. This is the second time thou art taken a thief. Last summer thou didst steal the Queen's tarts, and now thou takest the fire-crackers. Thou shalt pay for it with thine head!

Thou shall be blown up to-night upon a monster pile of fireworks.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Mercy, my lord--mercy! Let me explain.

KING OF HEARTS (_to the other KNAVES_). Remove him.

[_The KNAVE OF HEARTS is dragged out, L._]

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. And did he steal once before?

KING OF HEARTS. That he did, and was therefore severely punished. I myself did beat him full sore.

KING OF SPADES (_slapping KING OF HEARTS on the back_). Do it again, cousin--do it again!

KING OF HEARTS (_approvingly_). That shall I! Thou speakest well. I beg your patience, ladies; but I will beat this Knave before he dies.

[_Exit KING, L., rolling up his sleeves._]

KING OF SPADES (_to QUEEN OF SPADES_). 'Tis fortunate he did but take the fire-crackers. I should have grieved surely had they been tarts; for tarts one may eat, but fire-crackers they be somewhat indigestible, I fear.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. I had not heard of this previous theft.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. It was similar to this, fair cousin. And the Joker hath likewise rhymed upon it.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Indeed. And may we hear the verse, Sir Joker?

JOKER. It is a pleasure to sing it. [_Sings_]

"The Queen of Hearts She baked some tarts All on a summer's day--"

[_Sounds of beating without, and loud cries by the KNAVE OF HEARTS of "Ow!" "Ow!" "Mercy, my lord!" "Hold!" "Hear me!"_]

QUEEN OF SPADES. 'Tis evident the punishment hath begun.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Oh, the poor Knave! the poor Knave!

[_More sounds of beating and more cries. The KING OF SPADES becomes very much excited._]

KING OF SPADES (_shaking his fist in the direction of the cries_). Have at him, good cousin of Hearts, have at him! Ah, but those are l.u.s.ty blows! By my halidame, I would fain witness that controversy! [_Slaps his knee._]

JOKER. A most one-sided controversy, my lord.

KING OF SPADES. Nay, but I warrant the King doth lay it on both sides.

[_More beating and cries._]

JOKER. Ay, from the sounds, he doth lay it on. But, doubtless, it will whet his appet.i.te.

KING OF SPADES. His appet.i.te? Now, by St. Dagobert, I have already an appet.i.te as I had beaten an hundred knaves!

JOKER. Then will it also be a one-sided controversy when you meet the banquet board.

KING OF SPADES. I would fain go out and beat the Knave for causing this delay. (_Sounds and cries._) Have at him! Have at him, sir! Now, a good one for me, sir, a good one!

[_The sounds and cries gradually cease._]

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Prithee, Sir Joker, finish your rhyme; you did but sing the first lines.

JOKER (_sings_).

"The Queen of Hearts She baked some tarts All on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts He stole those tarts, And bore them far away.

"The King of Hearts Called for those tarts, And beat the Knave full sore--"

_Enter the KING OF HEARTS, L., somewhat out of breath, rolling down his sleeves, and followed by the KNAVES OF DIAMONDS, CLUBS, and SPADES._

KING OF HEARTS. Ah, but I did ply the rod right l.u.s.tily! I am quite aweary. [_Sits down._]

KING OF SPADES (_rubbing his hands_). We did much enjoy the music!

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Good spouse, I would beg one thing of thee. It being the Fourth of July, and so our nation's birthday, spare the rogue his life. Let him come before us again. You heard him say he would make explanation. Let him come and speak. Perchance it is not too late for him to make rest.i.tution.

KING OF HEARTS (_in astonishment_). Dost thou truly desire that the varlet should be spared?

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_pleading_). Ay, truly, my lord. And I do especially yearn for the return of the fire-crackers.

KING OF SPADES. Ay, cousin, if he would but return the fire-crackers, hear him, I urge, hear him.

KING OF HEARTS (_to the three KNAVES_). Hale me hither that Knave again.

(_Exeunt the KNAVES, L._) I greatly doubt me, sweet lady, that the thieving churl will return the crackers. He did not return the tarts.

But if he can and does return the fire-crackers, then at your request will I spare him his life.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. You make me promise of that, my King?

KING OF HEARTS. You have my word upon it.

[_Enter, L., the three KNAVES escorting the KNAVE OF HEARTS, who is very sore as a result of his beating._]

KING OF HEARTS. Knave, the Queen hath begged of me to let thee speak ere the headsman seals thy lips forever.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. A blessing upon you, good lady.

KING OF HEARTS. And now speak what thou hast to say, and may thy words be brief.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. My liege, I did not steal the fire-crackers. I did but see them near the tapers, and I did fear lest they catch fire and explode upon the table. Methought they were the daintier did they hold some sweet contents, and so I took them and bore them off, and found them void. So then I was about to bring them back to the banquet board, when yon messengers did seize me and hale me roughly before your Majesties.

KING OF HEARTS. And thou didst have intention to return them?