The McNaughtens Part 15

McNaughten (taking Spruce by the throat) Ah, false witness, miserable imposter--you must remember--

Spruce Yes, I remember that the sixty thousand pounds was given to a man dressed like you, of the same proud bearing, a man who intends to marry this gentleman's daughter, a man who is called McNaughten, and is from Scotland. And, if you deny it, it's a lie, and I'll take my oath--

Torrington See, if it's possible, to have a blacker heart, to be more of a cheat.

Alas, what are you marrying him for? I've gotten you into a pleasant business.

Hastings I took this gentleman for a man of substance-- Now, I don't value him at all.

Urania After what he has done to me, there is no crime, no evil, that he wouldn't perpetrate.

Jenny Traitor, finally, you're caught, and there's nothing for you to do but go hang yourself. I'll be happy to supply the rope.

McNaughten No, I don't believe that h.e.l.l itself is capable, in its execrable rage, so many men, so many evil demons, as you all. Ah, I cannot speak, I am so enraged.

(Enter the Captain)

Captain I believe my presence is required to get to the bottom of this astonis.h.i.+ng mystery.

Hastings What in the world do I see?

Torrington What prodigy is this?

Urania Ought I to believe my eyes?

Jenny Madame, I don't know if my vision is troubled, or if it's some vapor, that is making me see double.

McNaughten What object presents itself and makes me see myself, as in a mirror.

Why, it's my walking portrait, or a reflection.

Captain How dare you take my name and appearance, sir, as your own? I am Captain McNaughten, and you are injuring my reputation.

McNaughten (aside) On my oath, this is another cheat.

(Aloud) By what right, sir, do you steal my name? I don't go around taking yours.

Captain I've had no other name from birth.

McNaughten My father gave me this name.

Captain Mine has been the same all my life.

McNaughten In giving birth to me, my mother died.

Captain Mine died, also--in the same manner.

McNaughten I am from Scotland.

Captain I, too, am from Scotland.

McNaughten I had a certain brother, a bad scapegrace, and I haven't heard news of him in fifteen years.

Captain I had a brother, too. A pious, churchgoing hypocrite. I've ignored his fortunes for fifteen years.

McNaughten This brother was my identical twin, and resembled me in everything except piety.

Captain Mine was my spitten image. Who sees him, sees me. But usually not in the same places.

McNaughten Are you not this brother?

Captain You've said it. There's the explanation of the mystery.

McNaughten Is it possible? Oh, Heavens.

Captain May this confession witness my joy and happiness. My brother, it is indeed me. What a happy encounter. Has fortune brought you to my sight?

McNaughten Brother, there has been much to rejoice me this day. But, I rather counted on your being dead.

Jenny All this has nothing to do with us, Madame. Be sure of it, we are going to get one or the other, no matter what happens.

Hastings What we are witnessing is certainly unusual.

(To Flavella) You must have one of these two for a husband. Choose the one you like, dear, and make me happy.

Flavella (recognizing the mark in the Captain's hat) Rather than pick and choose, I'll have this gentleman, and take my chances.

(Aside) I hope they didn't switch hats.

Urania And me, I'll take this one. (grabbing McNaughten)

McNaughten To listen to you, you have only to kiss and choose as you please!

Spruce While each lady takes the one to her taste, by right of windfall, Jenny belongs to me.

Hastings (to the Captain) Accept my daughter. Although it is pure fate that puts you in my family, I wanted a McNaughten in the family and my plans are unchanged.

Captain In the excess of happiness my destiny has sent me, my heart is unable to contain its joy.

Spruce Jenny, everybody is thinking about marrying-- Let's do it, too--so as not to be disagreeable by being different.

Jenny If you hadn't lied so much, I wouldn't mind.

Spruce I did it for your own good.

Jenny But I am afraid--

Spruce What are you afraid of?

Jenny Of making a crazy mistake.

Spruce I will be making a mistake a hundred times greater than yours if I let you escape. (hugging her to him. She fends him off for a minute, then submits slyly) (To the spectators) Ladies and Gentlemen, as you see, I've succeeded in pulling off the marriage I prepared. I am going to bind my head in victory laurels. If I have merited your applause, you will complete my happiness. (bowing)

CURTAIN