The McNaughtens Part 3

Urania Your necessarily is stupid. I know very well that it--that it cannot be! My youth is well known. And I can prove it to you, clearly and precisely. My wealth will never be inherited by you. I'll bury you, and your children, and the children I am going to have, too. Despite you and the murderous plots you are hatching. Do you hear, brother dear?-- I have spoken. Good day! Come Jenny.

(Exit Urania in a fury)

Hastings Lovely disposition.

Jenny Sir, another time--or better yet, say nothing. Or read, if you please, better almanacs. My lady is, still, despite you and your calculations, young and pretty, and all the connoisseurs will remind you of it.

(Exit Jenny)

Hastings I can see what my sister is up to. Marry again, at her age? The old fool. Well, I have taken some measures. Better go see Torrington and straighten things out. If the man in question is as described, we shall very soon consummate this marriage.

BLACKOUT

Scene II. The same, a short time later. The Captain and Spruce enter from different directions. Spruce is out of breath again.

Spruce I found your brother, but not without trouble. You see how out of breath I am. I've been around London, from one end to the other--to the stage, to the post, everywhere. And I swear, every street I went down, I met a creditor. I even met that Welshman--the Squire to whom we owe a hundred pounds.

Captain I am ashamed to owe him for so long. He took me for a gentleman--

Spruce (aside) Which few do.

Captain And the first money that I get, I am going to repay him. Nothing will prevent me.

Spruce (aside) But a wench or a game of cards.

(Aloud) Wonderful! Anyway, not knowing where to go first, I went back to the custom house. And there I saw your brother--actually knew him instantly from a distance--because of the resemblance. Really, an incredible resemblance. He was arguing with the inspector about the tariff. His face, his features, his bearing, even his tone of voice!

If I hadn't known, I would have been deceived completely. But his temper,--that's where he's different from you. He's brusque, impolite even--quite unlike you. It's easy to see he isn't a man of the world-- in fact, he's a savage brute!

Captain One shouldn't be surprised by rudeness in a country b.u.mpkin who was nourished without politeness. It will take more than the air of London to get this beastly behaviour out of him.

Spruce As I was saying, I watched his quarrel from a distance, and when he finally left, I gave him a taste of my abilities as a porter. My zeal and flattery worked to such effect that he asked me to be his valet. I even recommended him this lodging--a place fit for the masterful projects I am hatching in my head. He ought to be here any minute.

Captain (amused) What masterful project are you hatching in that charming head of yours?

Spruce Fortune herself appeared to me--in total surrender. We can profit by this resemblance you bear to each other to obtain Flavella, and-- what's more important--your inheritance. Two birds with one stone.

Captain Yes, yes, we can. We shall, we will. But how?

Spruce Nothing could be easier. We'll trade off this b.u.mpkin to Aunt Urania, you will get Miss Flavella, and more important, I will get Jenny.

Captain And how are we to put this brave plan into action?

Spruce First, you've got to change clothes, and dress like the heir apparent.

Adopt his mannerisms, and the Devil will provide--

Captain Dress like an heir? My G.o.d, I don't know how. I've never been an heir before.

Spruce Act sad on first sight. Impose on the lawyer and get the money.

Captain I am a little uncomfortable about deceiving my brother.

Spruce What an idle and ridiculous delicacy! Risk nothing, gain nothing.

Maybe you ought to protect him. With this money, he could do some good--only you don't give him a good character.

Captain If I want this inheritance, it's only for the sake of Flavella, whom I adore.

Spruce Of course. And if you don't get it, he will have her! Can you bear thinking of him kissing her?

Captain d.a.m.nation!

Spruce But he was a fine brother, and you ought not to deceive him.

Captain He's a son of a b.i.t.c.h. He was always stealing my toys. That's it. I'll do it.

Spruce Good. That's the spirit.

Captain I'll tell you what. Flavella doesn't look on me with indifference. Her father knows nothing of it, and, by good luck, has never seen me, because I've never taken the first step to ask for her hand. If I had, all my hopes would have been dashed, I am sure of it. Still, one thing holds me back.

Spruce Good Heavens, what can it be?

Captain I've promised in writing to marry Urania.

Spruce Banish all thought of that engagement. If you were to marry all the women you've promised to marry, you would be a bigamist many times over. Now to work! You must dress like your brother. He's wearing mourning, a little frayed. His wig's a little different than yours, but you really don't need to change much. You must get into mourning, without wasting any time.

Captain But, Urania is waiting for me to dine with her!

Spruce You now have other work to do. Dine tomorrow! I believe I see your brother coming up that side street. I'm not mistaken. You must go quick-- Doubletime, Captain.

Captain But, tell me first--

Spruce I've nothing to say to you now, except go, quickly.

(Reluctantly, with a questioning expression, the Captain goes, hurried off by Spruce. After a moment, enter McNaughten dressed in mourning.)

Spruce Finally, you're here, sir. To keep my word I've been waiting for you by this hotel, but it's been a long time.

McNaughten Yes, indeed, here I am. I thought it was all my life was worth to get here. What a country--what a h.e.l.l! I made a thousand false turns. I've never run so many risks in my life. One cannot take a step without falling in some trap. Everywhere some pickpocket hemmed me in. A carriage covered me with mud. What noise, what confusion. I believe that in this city, the Devil has finally settled on his abode.

Spruce Oh, London is a tumultuous, noisy place.

McNaughten Really! I'd much prefer to be at a Black Sabbath. A woods full of robbers is a hundred times more secure. My trunk was taken by someone else. I've lost fifteen pounds--and some love letters, too.

Spruce You have to be on your guard around here.

McNaughten I believe it, indeed. This loss will make me more alert and exact.

Happily, I kept most of my money in my belt.

Spruce Did you so? How clever of you. (picking his pocket) I've had a bed prepared for you in a nice quiet room, in the back, away from the street. Do you plan to stay in this town long?