The Clockmaker Part 6

"Well, when they were gathered there according to orders, they looked streaked enough you may depend, thinkin' they were going to get it all round, and the wenches they fell to a-cryin', wringin'

their hands, and boo-hooing like mad. Lavender was there with his cowskin, grinnin' like a chessy cat, and crackin' it about, ready for business. 'Pick me out,' says Enoch, 'four that have the loudest voices.' 'Hard matter dat,' says Lavender, 'hard matter dat, Ma.s.sa, dey all talk loud, dey all lub talk more better nor work--de idle villians; better gib 'em all a little tickle, jist to teach 'em larf on t'other side of de mouth; dat side bran' new, they never use it yet.' 'Do as I order you, sir,' said Uncle, 'or I'll have you triced up, you cruel old rascal you.' When they were picked out and sot by themselves, they hanged their heads, and looked like sheep goin' to the shambles. 'Now, says Uncle Enoch, my pickininnies, do you sing out as loud as Niagara, at the very tip eend of your voice--

'"Don't kill a n.i.g.g.e.r, pray, Let him lib anoder day.

Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus!

'"My back be very sore, No stand it any more, Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus!"

And all the rest of you join chorus, as loud as you can bawl, "Oh Lord Missus."' The black rascals understood the joke real well.

They larfed ready to split their sides; they fairly lay down on the ground, and rolled over and over with lafter. Well, when they came to the chorus 'Oh Lord Missus,' if they didn't let go, it's a pity.

They made the river ring agin--they were heerd clean out to sea. All the folks ran out of the Lady's House, to see what on airth was the matter on Uncle Enoch's plantation--they thought there was actilly a rebellion there; but when they listened awhile, and heerd it over and over again, they took the hint, and returned a-larfin' in their sleeves. Says they, 'Master Enoch Slick, he upsides with Missus this. .h.i.tch anyhow.' Uncle never heerd anything more of 'Oh Lord Missus'

arter that Yes, they ought to be shamed out of it, those Bluenoses.

When reason fails to convince, there is nothin' left but ridicule.

If they have no ambition, apply to their feelings, slap a blister on their pride, and it will do the business. It's like a-puttin' ginger under a horse's tail; it makes him carry up real handSUM, I tell you. When I was a boy, I was always late to school: well father's preachin' I didn't mind much, but I never could bear to hear mother say, 'Why Sam, are you actilly up for all day? Well, I hope your airly risin' won't hurt you, I declare. What on airth is a-goin' to happen now?' Well, wonders will never cease. It raised my dander; at last says I, 'Now, mother, don't say that 'ere any more for gracious sake, for it makes me feel ugly, and I'll get up as airly as any on you,' and so I did, and I soon found what's worth knowin' in this life--An airly start makes easy stages."

No. XIII

The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax.

The next morning was warmer than several that had preceded it. It was one of those uncommonly fine days that distinguish an American autumn.

"I guess," said Mr. Slick, "the heat today is like a gla.s.s of mint julip, with a lump of ice in it, it tastes cool and feels warm; it's real good, I tell you. I love such a day as this dearly. It's generally allowed the finest weather in the world is in America; there ain't the beat of it to be found anywhere." He then lighted a cigar, and throwing himself back on his chair, put both feet out of the window, and sat with his arms folded, a perfect picture of happiness.

"You appear," said I, "to have travelled over the whole of this Province, and to have observed the country and the people with much attention; pray what is your opinion of the present state and future prospects of Halifax?"

"If you will tell me," said he, "when the folks there will wake up, then I can answer you, but they are fast asleep. As to the Province, it's a splendid province, and calculated to go ahead, it will grow as fast as a Varginny gal; and they grow so amazin' fast, if you put your arm round one of their necks to kiss them, by the time you're done, they've grown up into women. It's a pretty Province I tell you, good above and better below; surface covered with pastures, meadows, woods, and a 'nation sight of water privileges, and under the ground full of mines--it puts me in mind of the soup at the TREE-mont House.

"One day I was a-walkin' in the Mall, and who should I meet but Major Bradford, a gentleman from Connecticut, that traded in calves and pumpkins for the Boston market. Says he, 'Slick, where do you get your grub today?' 'At General Peep's tavern,' says I. 'Only fit for n.i.g.g.e.rs,' says he, 'why don't you come to the TREE-mont house, that's the most splendid thing, it's generally allowed, in all the world.'

'Why,' says I, 'that's a notch above my mark; I guess it's too plagy dear for me, I can't afford it no how.' 'Well,' says he, 'it's dear in one sense, but it's dog cheap in another--it's a grand place for speculation. There's so many rich southerners and strangers there that have more money than wit, that you might do a pretty good business there, without goin' out of the street door. I made two hundred dollars this mornin' in little less than half no time.

There's a Carolina lawyer there, as rich as a bank, and says he to me arter breakfast, "Major," says he, "I wish I knew where to get a real slapping trotter of a horse, one that could trot with a flash of lightning for a mile, and beat it by a whole neck or so." Says I, "My Lord," for you must know, he says he's the nearest male heir to a Scotch dormant peerage, "my Lord," says I, "I have one, a proper sneezer, a chap that can go ahead of a railroad steamer, a real natural traveller, one that can trot with the ball out of the small eend of a rifle, and never break into a gallop." Says he, "Major, I wish you wouldn't give me that 'ere nickname, I don't like it,"

though he looked as tickled all the time as possible; "I never knew,"

says he, "a lord that warn't a fool, that's a fact, and that's the reason I don't go ahead and claim the t.i.tle." "Well," says I, "my Lord I don't know, but somehow I can't help a-thinkin', if you have a good claim, you'd be more like a fool not to go ahead with it."

"Well," says he, "lord or no lord, let's look at your horse." So away I went to Joe Brown's livery stable, at t'other eend of the city, and picked out the best trotter he had, and no great stick to brag on either; says I, "Joe Brown what do you ax for that 'ere horse?" "Two hundred dollars," says he. "Well," says I, "I will take him out and try him, and if I like him I will keep him." So I shows our Carolina Lord the horse, and when he gets on him, says I, "Don't let him trot as fast as he can, resarve that for a heat; if folks find out how everlastin' fast he is, they'd be afeared to stump you for a start."

When he returned, he said he liked the horse amazinly, and axed the price; "four hundred dollars," says I, "you can't get nothin' special without a good price, pewter cases never hold good watches." "I know it," says he, "the horse is mine." Thinks I to myself, that's more than ever I could say of him then anyhow.'

"Well, I was goin' to tell you about the soup; says the Major, 'It's near about dinner time, jist come and see how you like the location.'

There was a sight of folks there, gentlemen and ladies in the public room--I never seed so many afore except at commencement day--all ready for a start, and when the gong sounded, off we sot like a flock of sheep. Well, if there warn't a jam you may depend; some one give me a pull, and I near abouts went heels up over head, so I reached out both hands, and caught hold of the first thing I could, and what should it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went the frock, and tear goes the petticoat, and when I righted myself from my beam eends, away they all came home to me, and there she was, the pretty critter, with all her upper riggin' standin' as far as her waist, and nothin' left below but a short linen under-garment. If she didn't scream, it's a pity, and the more she screamed the more folks larfed, for no soul could help larfin', till one of the waiters folded her up in a tablecloth.

"'What an awkward devil you be, Slick,' says the Major; 'now that comes of not falling in first; they should have formed four deep, rear rank in open order, and marched in to our splendid national air, and filed off to their seats right and left shoulders forward. I feel kinder sorry, too,' says he, 'for that 'ere young heifer; but she showed a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she? I guess you don't often get such a chance as that 'ere.' Well, I gets near the Major at table, and afore me stood a china utensil with two handles, full of soup, about the size of a foot-tub, with a large silver scoop in it, near about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was jist about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the Major said, 'Fish it up from the bottom, Slick.' Well, sure enough, I gives it a drag from the bottom, and up come the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick rich soup, and a sight of little forced meat b.a.l.l.s of the size of sheep's dung. No soul could tell how good it was; it was near about as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider, and that you could feel tingle clean away down to the tip eends of your toes.

'Now,' says the Major, 'I'll give you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your horn. Folks ain't thought nothin' of unless they live at Treemont: it's all the go. Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off hot foot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps there, and folks will think you dine there. I do it often, and it saves two dollars a day.' Then he put his finger on his nose, and says he, 'Mum is the word.'

"Now, this Province is jist like that 'ere soup--good enough at top, but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron ore, the gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, it's well enough in itself, though no great shakes neither, a few sizeable houses, with a proper sight of small ones, like half a dozen old hens with their broods of young chickens; but the people, the strange critters, they are all asleep. They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and what they say one day they forget the next; they say they were dreaming.

You know where Governor Campbell lives, don't you, in a large stone house with a great wall round it, that looks like a state prison; well, near hand there is a nasty dirty horrid-lookin' buryin' ground there; it's filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the springs of black water there go through the c.h.i.n.ks of the rocks and flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson the folks; it's a dismal place, I tell you; I wonder the air from it don't turn all the silver in the Governor's house of a bra.s.s colour--and folks say he has four cart loads of it--it's so everlastin' bad; it's near about as nosey as a slave s.h.i.+p of n.i.g.g.e.rs. Well you may go there and shake the folks to all etarnity and you won't wake 'em, I guess, and yet there ain't much difference atween their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only they lie still there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their sleep like them above ground.

"Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at Warsaw; he had lost both arms in battle--but I guess I must tell you first why I went there, 'cause that will show you how we speculate. One Sabbath day, after bell ringin', when most of the women had gone to meetin'--for they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our Unitarian ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the rhyme out; it sparkles like perry--I goes down to East India wharf to see Captain Zeek Hanc.o.c.k, of Nantucket, to enquire how oil was, and if it it would bear doin' anything in; when who should come along but Jabish Green. 'Slick,' says he, 'how do you do; isn't this as pretty a day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips English weather by a long chalk;' and then he looked down at my watch seals, and looked and looked as if he thought I'd stole 'em. At last he looks up, and says he, 'Slick, I suppose you wouldn't go to Warsaw, would you, if it was made worth your while?' 'Which Warsaw?' says I, for I believe in my heart we have a hundred of 'em. 'None of our'n at all,' says he; 'Warsaw in Poland.' 'Well, I don't know,' says I; 'what do you call worth while?' 'Six dollars a day, expenses paid, and a bonus of one thousand dollars, if speculation turns out well.'

'I am off,' says I, 'whenever you say go.' 'Tuesday,' says he, 'in the Hamburg packet. Now,' says he, 'I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm goin' a-pleasurin' today in the Custom House Boat, along with Josiah Bradford's gals down to Nahant. But I'll tell you what I am at: the Emperor of Russia has ordered the Poles to cut off their queues on the 1st of January; you must buy them all up, and s.h.i.+p them off to London for the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin'. 'Lord a ma.s.sy!' says I, 'how queer they will look, won't they. Well, I vow, that's what the sea folks call sailing under bare poles, come true, ain't it?' 'I guess it will turn out a good spec,' says he; and a good one it did turn out--he cleared ten thousand dollars by it.

"When I was at Warsaw, as I was a-sayin', there was a Russian officer there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good-natured contented critter, as I e'enamost ever seed, and he was fed with spoons by his neighbours, but arter awhile they grew tired of it, and I guess he near about starved to death at last. Now Halifax is like that 'ere SPOONEY, as I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they begin to have enough to do to feed themselves; it must larn to live without 'em. They have no river, and no country about 'em; let them make a railroad to Minas Basin, and they will have arms of their own to feed themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I guess they'll get into a decline that no human skill will cure. They are proper thin now; you can count their ribs e'enamost as far as you can see them. The only thing that will either make or save Halifax, is a railroad across the country to Bay of Fundy.

"'It will do to talk of,' says one. 'You'll see it some day,' says another. 'Yes,' says a third, 'it will come, but we are too young yet.'

"Our old minister had a darter, a real clever-lookin' gal as you'd see in a day's ride, and she had two or three offers of marriage from 'sponsible men--most particular good specs--but minister always said, 'Phoebe, you are too young--the day will come--but you are too young yet dear.' Well, Phoebe didn't think so at all; she said she guessed she knew better nor that: so the next offer she had, she said she had no notion to lose another chance--off she shot to Rhode Island and got married. Says she, 'Father's too old, he don't know.' That's jist the case at Halifax. The old folks say the country is too young, the time will come, and so on; and in the meantime the young folks won't wait, and run off to the States, where the maxim is, 'Youth is the time for improvement; a new country is never too young for exertion; push on--keep movin--go ahead.'

"Darn it all," said the Clockmaker, rising with great animation, clinching his fist, and extending his arm, "darn it all, it fairly makes my dander rise, to see the nasty idle, loungin'

good-for-nothin', do-little critters; they ain't fit to tend a bear-trap, I vow. They ought to be quilted round and round a room, like a lady's lap-dog, the matter of two hours a day, to keep them from dyin' of apoplexy."

"Hush, hus.h.!.+" said I, "Mr. Slick, you forget."

"Well," said he, resuming his usual composure, "well, it's enough to make one vexed though, I declare--isn't it?"

Mr. Slick has often alluded to this subject, and always in a most decided manner. I am inclined to think he is right. Mr. Howe's papers on the railroad I read till I came to his calculations, but I never could read figures, "I can't cipher," and there I paused; it was a barrier: I retreated a few paces, took a running leap, and cleared the whole of them. Mr. Slick says he has UNDER and not OVER rated its advantages. He appears to be such a shrewd, observing, intelligent man, and so perfectly at home on these subjects, that I confess I have more faith in this humble but eccentric Clockmaker, than in any other man I have met with in this Province. I therefore p.r.o.nounce "there will be a railroad."

No. XIV

Sayings and Doings in c.u.mberland.

"I reckon," said the Clockmaker, as we strolled through Amherst, "you have read Hook's story of the boy that one day asked one of his father's guests who his next door neighbour was, and when he heerd his name, asked him if he warn't a fool. 'No, my little feller,' said he, 'he bean't a fool, he is a most particular sensible man; but why did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,' said the little boy, 'mother said t'other day you were next door to a fool, and I wanted to know who lived next door to you.' His mother felt pretty ugly, I guess, when she heerd him run right slap on that 'ere breaker.

"Now these c.u.mberland folks have curious next door neighbours, too; they are placed by their location right atwixt fire and water; they have New Brunswick politics on one side, and Nova Scotia politics on t'other side of them, and Bay Fundy and Bay Varte on t'other two sides; they are actilly in hot water; they are up to their cruppers in politics, and great hands for talking of House of a.s.sembly, political Unions, and what not. Like all folks who wade so deep, they can't always tell the natur' of the ford. Sometimes they strike their s.h.i.+ns agin a snag of a rock; at other times they go whap into a quicksand, and if they don't take special care they are apt to go souse over head and ears into deep water. I guess if they'd talk more of ROTATION, and less of ELECTIONS, more of them 'ere d.y.k.eS, and less of BANKS, and attend more to TOP-DRESSING, and less to RE-DRESSING, it'd be better for 'em."

"Now you mention the subject, I think I have observed," said I, "that there is a great change in your countrymen in that respect. Formerly, whenever you met an American, you had a dish of politics set before you, whether you had an appet.i.te for it or not; but lately I have remarked they seldom allude to it. Pray to what is this attributable?"

"I guess," said he, "they have enough of it to home, and are sick of the subject. They are cured the way our pastry cooks cure their 'prentices of stealing sweet notions out of their shops. When they get a new 'prentice they tell him he must never so much as look at all them 'ere nice things; and if he dares to lay the weight of his finger upon one on 'em, they'll have him up for it before a justice; they tell him it's every bit and grain as bad as stealing from a till. Well, that's sure to set him at it, just as a high fence does a breachy ox, first to look over it, and then to push it down with its rump; it's human natur'. Well, the boy eats and eats till he can't eat no longer, and then he gets sick at his stomach, and hates the very sight of sweetmeats arterwards.

"We've had politics with us, till we're dog sick of 'em, I tell you.

Besides, I guess we are as far from perfection as when we set out a-rowin' for it. You may get purity of Election, but how are you to get purity of Members? It would take a great deal of ciphering to tell that. I never seed it yet, and never heerd tell of one who had seed it.

"The best member I e'enamost ever seed was John Adams. Well, John Adams could no more plough a straight furrow in politics than he could haul the plough himself. He might set out straight at beginnin'

for a little way, but he was sure to get crooked afore he got to the eend of the ridge--and sometimes he would have two or three crooks in it. I used to say to him, 'How on airth is it, Mr. Adams'--for he was no way proud like, though he was president of our great nation, and it is allowed to be the greatest nation in the world, too; for you might see him sometimes of an arternoon, a-swimmin' along with the boys in the Potomac; I do believe that's the way he larned to give the folks the dodge so spry--well, I used to say to him, 'How on airth is it, Mr. Adams, you can't make straight work on it?' He was a grand hand at an excuse, though minister used to say that folks that were good at an excuse, were seldom good for nothin' else; sometimes he said the ground was so tarnation stony, it throwed the plough out; at other times he said the off ox was such an ugly wilful-tempered critter, there was no doin' nothin' with him; or that there was so much machinery about the plough, it made it plagy hard to steer; or maybe it was the fault of them that went afore him, that they laid it down so bad; unless he was hired for another term of four years, the work wouldn't look well; and if all them 'ere excuses wouldn't do, why he would take to scolding the n.i.g.g.e.r that drove the team, throw all the blame on him, and order him to have an everlastin' lacin'

with the cowskin. You might as well catch a weasel asleep as catch him. He had somethin' the matter with one eye; well, he knew I know'd that when I was a boy; so one day, a feller presented a pet.i.tion to him, and he told him it was very affectin'. Says he, 'it fairly draws tears from me,' and his weak eye took to lettin' off its water like statiee so as soon as the chap went, he winks to me with t'other one, quite knowin', as much as to say, 'You see it's all in my eye, Slick, but don't let on to any one about it, that I said so.' That eye was a regular cheat, a complete New England wooden nutmeg. Folks said Mr.

Adams was a very tender-hearted man. Perhaps he was, but I guess that eye didn't pump its water out o' that place.

"Members in general ain't to be depended on, I tell you. Politics makes a man as crooked as a pack does a peddler; not that they are so awful heavy, neither, but it TEACHES A MAN TO STOOP IN THE LONG RUN.

Arter all, there's not that difference in 'em--at least there ain't in Congress--one would think; for if one on 'em is clear of one vice, why, as like as not, he has another fault just as bad. An honest farmer, like one of these c.u.mberland folks, when he goes to choose atwixt two that offers for votes, is jist like the flying-fish. That 'ere little critter is not content to stay to home in the water, and mind its business, but he must try his hand at flyin', and he is no great dab at flyin', neither. Well, the moment he's out of water, and takes to flyin', the sea fowl are arter him, and let him have it; and if he has the good luck to escape them, and makes a dive into the sea, the dolphin, as like as not, has a dig at him, that knocks more wind out of him than he got while aping the birds, a plagy sight. I guess the Bluenose knows jist about as much about politics as this foolish fish knows about flyin'. All the critters in natur' are better in their own element.

"It beats c.o.c.k-fightin', I tell you, to hear the Bluenoses, when they get together, talk politics. They have got three or four evil spirits, like the Irish Banshees, that they say cause all the mischief in the province: the council, the banks, the house of a.s.sembly and the lawyers. If a man places a higher valiation on himself than his neighbours do, and wants to be a magistrate before he is fit to carry the ink horn for one, and finds himself safely delivered of a mistake, he says it is all owing to the Council. The members are cunnin' critters, too; they know this feelin', and when they come home from a.s.sembly, and people ax 'em, 'where are all them 'ere fine things you promised us?' 'Why,' they say, 'we'd a had 'em all for you, but for that etarnal Council, they nullified all we did.' The country will come to no good till them chaps show their respect for it, by covering their bottoms with homespun. If a man is so tarnation lazy he won't work, and in course has no money, why he says it's all owin' to the banks, they won't discount, there's no money, they've ruined the Province. If there bean't a road made up to every citizen's door, away back to the woods--who as like as not has squatted there--why he says the House of a.s.sembly have voted all the money to pay great men's salaries, and there's nothin' left for poor settlers, and cross roads. Well, the lawyers come in for their share of cake and ale, too; if they don't catch it, it's a pity.

"There was one Jim Munroe of Onion County, Connecticut, a desperate idle fellow, a great hand at singin' songs, a-skatin', drivin' about with the gals, and so on. Well, if anybody's windows were broke, it was Jim Munroe, if any man's horse lost a tail, or anybody's dog got a kettle tied on to his'n, it was Jim Munroe, and if there were any youngsters in want of a father, they were sure to be poor Jim's. Jist so it is with the lawyers here; they stand G.o.dfathers for every misfortune that happens in the country. When there is a mad dog a-goin' about, every dog that barks is said to be bit by the mad one, so he gets credit for all the mischief that every dog does for three months to come. So every feller that goes yelpin' home from a court house, smartin' from the law, swears he is bit by a lawyer. Now there may be something wrong in all these things--and it can't be otherwise in natur'--in council, banks, house of a.s.sembly, and lawyers: but change them all, and it's an even chance if you don't get worse ones in their room. It is in politics as in horses; when a man has a beast that's near about up to the notch, he'd better not swap him; if he does, he's e'enamost sure to get one not so good as his own. My rule is, I'd rather keep a critter whose faults I do know, than change him for a beast whose faults I don't know."

No. XV

The Dancing Master Abroad.