Julius Caesar Chapter 61

Chapter 61: 61

Samantha's POV .

It was overwhelmingly hot and the air was remarkably difficult to breathe with the grief it carried .

Today, I sat in the first row among about fifty people I didn't know to attend the cremation of Julius' brother . I sat straight and watched people weep, chatter and share sad, small smiles .

What a waste of life, they whispered . What a pitiful ending to such a pretty boy, they tsked .

The cremation centre was huge and brightly lit by the overenthusiastic sun . It should've been dimmer to match the mood . It should've known its days to s.h.i.+ne .

At the very end of the room was the crematorium where Augustus lied in a pine box casket, raised on a platform so it was visible to all of us . Exquisite peace lilies, pink orchids and purple hyacinths sprouted around it as if they all wouldn't be anything but ashes in a few minutes .

I glanced at Alexander who stood beside the crematorium, listening to a priest who I didn't really care to listen to . Heavens, I was broken from the inside into a thousand spitting pieces of whys and hows and if onlys . My mind was too loud and my heart was beating too fast from the pain I felt for everyone . For Julius . This had hurt him so much to the extent that he couldn't be standing here . By his father's side to tell his only brother a last, well-deserved goodbye . No, Julius wasn't here . And it hit me as odd but who was I to judge when I last saw him was two days ago after his brother died in his arms?

I was surprised when Alexander approached me personally, yesterday, to make me attend this . This painful, bad thing on such a horrendous, hot day . But I owed it to Julius . I wanted to be there for his brother . His brother that sacrificed his own life . And I wasn't entirely sure how I felt . Was I glad that Julius didn't die instead? Or was I sad because Julius wouldn't be the one I know after what he witnessed?

Those last two days . Those last two days were the worst days of my life . Heavens, the last whole month was the worst . Ever . I left to my house and locked myself in my room for as long as I could remember after I watched Julius get carried away to a hospital in an ambulance after his brother's death . Even though it took my all not to hop alongside him and hold his hands, I had to honour our goodbye .

I had to let go .

Alexander was the reason why I came out of my room when he rang the doorbell . I looked a sight, but he was smiling at me . He asked if he could come inside . And I was speechless for a while . I hadn't spoken ever since what happened happened . But I let him in . He sat on my couch, glanced at the red-wine-stained white carpet and sighed .

He asked me to attend Augustus' cremation . He told me that there was something 'important' he wanted to discuss with me . He said that 'now' wasn't the time . He told me I had to freshen up and eat something because I looked 'ashen' . He even said he was sorry about Lucien- my brother .

My brother . I didn't like thinking about him because there would be lots of unanswered questions . And I couldn't afford that . I was a walking, silent catastrophe that was starving for peace . And those questions would bring nothing but more chaos and panic attacks .

I was pulling on my sleeves and staring hard at the crematorium's door that soon swallowed Augustus' casket and my breath away .

This is no time for a panic attack, I reminded myself .

I took in three deep breaths as tears filled my eyes . Sight was such an ugly thing on such hot days . I sat undeterred, nevertheless, and pushed up my sungla.s.ses over my hair as I tore my gaze away from the crematorium .

Well, he belonged to nature's peace more than he did to this melancholic, dead world .

I glanced at Alexander again . He stood straight in a crisp black suit and s.h.i.+ny black shoes right next to his blazing son . His dark hair was styled perfectly and shone under the dancing sun rays . And I was like, wow, this man- this man is so full of strength . He was standing, watching his son get reduced to nothing but ashes -instead of the opposite- while smiling at people . He actually smiled and shook hands .

I watched him s.h.i.+ft in his place and clasp his hands that were - oh, yes- shaking . And when it was announced that the cremation was over, Alexander looked away and dabbed at his eyes with a handkerchief .

He was gone .

My lips quivered and I dropped the sungla.s.ses on my teary eyes again . Alexander shouldn't have invited me, I thought as I let out a sob, got up, exited the cremation centre and hyperventilated . My mind raced in all possible directions to remind me of the reason behind his death . My brother . My brother .

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped my head to meet Alexander's gentle, dark eyes .

"Come on, dear-" he said quietly . "-let's head to the car . "

He then turned and started walking toward a huge silver car that I didn't recognize its model . I stared at his back for a while and tried not seeing Julius in the way he carried himself around as if he owned the whole world . I sniffed and followed him .

The car ride was very short and silent . Or it seemed so as we were both lost in our own convoluted thoughts .

Once we were inside his luxurious house- or should I say his dead son's luxurious house?-, I smiled at a housekeeper that took Alexander's jacket and headed toward the living area . I stood still as I watched Alexander seat himself on a violet velvet couch and sigh .

He then looked up at me before smiling . He looked so much like Julius, his jaws, his thick, arched eyebrows- they were really father and son . He waved his hand at a smaller couch beside him and raised his eyebrows at me .

I cleared my throat dumbly and sat there, my hands in my laps .

"Would you like to have something, Samantha?" he asked me and I turned fully in his direction, my heart beating loud at what could possibly be in store for me .

"Me?" was what I blurted dumbly before I shook my head with what I hoped was a polite smile . "No -uh- thank you . "

Alexander studied me more before he sighed heavily and nodded . "You must be worried-" he breathed . "-about what I would want from you . At such a time . "

I looked at him curiously .

"But don't worry-" he continued . "You're like my daughter now . "

I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows . "Sir, I hope this isn't about my brother because I'm not sure what would you want from me . I have absolutely nothi-"

"First of all-" he started wearily and I could tell how much exhausted he actually was . "First of all, don't call me 'Sir' . You may call me Alexander . Besides, I have a lot to tell you . I mean, blimey, you must be plagued by questions . "

I sat up at that and he smiled gently .

"Understandably," he sighed . "You must want to know about what happened to your brother . " His eyes caught mine and I looked away . "But before that, I would like to . . . apologize . "

I looked back up at him, his face was solemn, grief and tiredness, dark pens lining his face .

"I'm sorry that you had to play a part in this whole story . Julius-" My heart tripped . "-was never supposed to murder your father . But since that happened, he left us no choice but to find you-" he said . "For the doc.u.ments-" He glanced at me and I looked at my hands . I was about to reply, but he stopped me .

"Julius' mistake has put many lives in danger . So I'm sorry for that-"

I was shaking my head and trying to smile . I wanted to say that Julius' intervention was what helped me discover that I was living, laughing and making memories with a bunch of liars . I wanted to tell him that Julius saved me from loneliness . That if it weren't for him, I would still be blind, visiting my oh, so wonderful mother in Paris and sleeping with a stranger -'Amanda'- under the same roof . There was nothing to apologize for .

"And as for Lucien, I hope you carry no resentment against me for dealing with him in a rightful manner -I can spare you the details- and for bringing justice-" he said slowly and I narrowed my eyes at him a little .

What Julius told me about him would be an insult to what he said was 'justice' . He definitely could tell from my face that I was about to object so what he said totally blew my mind .

"I know what could be going on on your mind right now, so let me make some clarifications . " He clasped his hands . "Julius isn't really a 'blood-loving' murderer . He's more of an a.s.sa.s.sin . What can I say? He just kills with good purpose-" he told me quickly .

I blinked at him . "a.s.sa.s.sin?"

"Yes, Samanth" he clasped his hands . "He is a.s.signed to kill the greatest criminals of all time . Nineteen and your father made them twenty . "

"That wasn't what he told me-" I said confusedly, feeling my chest constrict . "That wasn't what he-"

Julius said he killed those twenty people and that he regretted it so much . He regretted it because it would never allow him to be with me . Because people paid with their lives to be with him . Like Audrey . Like his brother .

"Because he doesn't know-" he said slowly, then reached for a dark-green folder on the coffee table . He pa.s.sed the folder to me and I hesitantly took it . "Have a look yourself . "

I flipped the folder open and was met by a man's face with a bold '1' marked on his forehead . I turned the picture and found a printed paper with lots of handwritten notes . The handwriting was a cursive mess that I failed to understand . I ran my fingers over the paper dented by the force applied in writing all those notes and gulped .

"This is Julius' folder-" Alexander said as I flipped the page and found more notes . "It contains all the cases he dealt with . His folder grew with every case . If you flip to the last pages, you'll find your father . And if you want, I can get you doc.u.ments that show you the felonies committed by each one of them . "

I flipped to the last pages to find my father's face, but there wasn't a number on his forehead .

"Although, I don't particularly understand why he numbered them," he sighed . "I believe he didn't number Orville because he wasn't ordered to kill him . "

Yeah, Orville . My father . Not Ricardo . Hmm, fun .

I frowned as I flipped back to a woman's face with a number '17' . I almost cringed at the fact that he almost cut the paper by writing that number . And then I realized that he was counting them to torment himself when he should've been really proud of what he was doing . His father watched him suffer for no reason .

"He doesn't know?" I repeated, anger leaving an edge to my voice .

"No . Our work is highly secretive-" was what his excuse was .

"You destroyed him . You-You destroyed him completely-" the words tumbled out of my mouth unapologetically .

"Exactly-" he sighed and locked my eyes . And I immediately felt the sorrow and regret they carried . It eased me a bit that he was regretful but what would that do? How would that help Julius now?

"Exactly?" I grimaced . "Exactly? That's it?"

"I-I-" he started, fumbling with his rings . "-I want to fix it . "

My jaw dropped slightly . This man . Remember when I said he was strong? Scratch that . He was despicable .

"Fix what? What do you think you can fix when he blames himself for everything bad that happens to him? What can you possibly fix when he hates you?" I lied quickly and regretted it . Even though he was despicable, I had a heart . He just lost his son . I shouldn't have said that no matter what .

"Fix what? What do you think you can fix when he blames himself for everything bad that happens to him? What can you possibly fix when he hates you?" I lied quickly and regretted it . Even though he was despicable, I had a heart . He just lost his son . I shouldn't have said that no matter what .

"I'm sorr-"

"No-" he cut me vehemently . "I know . "

"I'm simply perplexed-" I said, shaking my head . "You gave him scars! You made his life h.e.l.l . You cheated-"

"I am aware of what-" he said irritably .

"No-" my eyes were already welling up . "You don't know what you've made of him . You made a monster!"

"Julius isn't-" he said weakly, shaking his head . "He has the biggest heart, S"

"Of course he does!" I said immediately, my voice quavering . "And it costs him a lot to do so! He wasn't living-"

"I know-"

"No-" tears were falling now . I brought my hand to my heart- where Julius was . "You made him lose everything . Everything . You made him regret his life-"

"Saman-"

"No! You should've told him!" I said, gulping down air . "You shoul-"

"It's beyond your conception the importance of what we do!" He then said, shutting me up . "It isn't easy . Julius helped save so many lives-"

"At the expense of his?"

"It wasn't easy for me!" He snapped . "It wasn't easy to bring him up to do what he does-"

I was shaking my head and looking away .

"Samantha, Julius' hate for me gave him the drive to do most of what was necess-"

"That is where you go wrong-" I sniffed sadly and looked back at him . "Julius' drive was to make you proud of him . Not his hate . "

Alexander paused and stared at me . "He told you that?"

"Of course he did!" I said, my lips quivering . "Julius doesn't know how to 'hate' . What-What drove him to look for me or Sam or whatever-" I said, looking back into the memory of that night when I laid, hands intertwined, on his chest that reverberated with the words that flew out of his mouth to console me . "It wasn't hatred for you even though you killed his pregnant girlfriend-"

"She was pregnant?" His eyes widened .

"Yes!" I cried . "What drove him was his love to her and his baby . Not you . Not that hatred . He doesn't hate . "

Alexander stared at me and said nothing . "You're probably right-" he sighed sadly . "I mean, I've always-" he stopped and brought a clenched fist to his mouth . "-I've always misunderstood my sons- my son-" My lips parted and my heart sank . "G.o.d, it's no secret that I'm sad, why am I like this?" He was talking to himself before he cleared his throat and looked at me with gla.s.sy eyes . "I know I messed up-" he told me, taking a deep breath . "-with both of them . One wanted a brother, a friend and got to die in his arms . And the other wanted a family and ended alone, blocking out reality . And it all traces back to me-"

Tears spilt from eyes as I looked away .

"I couldn't save the first one-" he said, his voice on the verge of breaking . "But I'm hoping to save the other one . My regrets, my sorries will not bring Augustus back . And they certainly won't make Julius ever forgive me . But I can fix a thing or two . And that's why I wanted you, Samantha . "

I studied the expectant look on his face and subtly raised my eyebrows .

"Do you-?" He started but someone walked inside the reception with something wrapped in a white cloth and demanded Alexander's attention . Alexander blinked up at the man and smiled .

"Yes, Samuel . It's done already?"

Alexander then stood up as Samuel uncovered what looked like a sky-blue cremation urn . And with utter horror, I realized that it carried Augustus' ashes . He pa.s.sed the urn to Alexander who nodded at Samuel .

"Thank you-" Alexander said, setting the urn on the coffee table in front of me . I was still staring at the urn . The urn that carried the remains of a person who was once walking among us and joking endlessly . Little did he know that what remained of his jokes was nothing but pulverized bones .

"Saman-" Alexander called me and I snapped my eyes away from the urn .

"How are you dealing with this?" I asked him, my voice strangled . "He's your son- Your son's ashes!" I almost choked . "How can you so normally-?"

"It isn't normal-" he told me . "And I'm trying to deal with it like I would deal with any death . " He said promptly . "In fact, I thought I'd die if something happened to him . But here I am . Trying to accept that I won't see him again, running around in boxers or-or-" he was waving his arms, talking to the ceiling . "-singing with the housekeepers those-those absolutely atrocious songs . Mind you," he looked down at me with a small smile . "-he had a nightmare-inducing taste in music . It's really painful, Samantha . Beyond belief . Seeing him get drained dry from his blood in front of my eyes as another consequence to what I do, ripped me apart . But just the thought that his life helped save many others, is satisfying . In fact, Augustus must've died very happy-" he said forcefully . "-in his brother's arm, doing what he always wanted to do . 'Be a bada.r.s.e,' as he'd put it . But it saddens me to talk about him like this . Like-like he's a memory .

"It isn't normal-" he told me . "And I'm trying to deal with it like I would deal with any death . " He said promptly . "In fact, I thought I'd die if something happened to him . But here I am . Trying to accept that I won't see him again, running around in boxers or-or-" he was waving his arms, talking to the ceiling . "-singing with the housekeepers those-those absolutely atrocious songs . Mind you," he looked down at me with a small smile . "-he had a nightmare-inducing taste in music . It's really painful, Samantha . Beyond belief . Seeing him get drained dry from his blood in front of my eyes as another consequence to what I do, ripped me apart . But just the thought that his life helped save many others, is satisfying . In fact, Augustus must've died very happy-" he said forcefully . "-in his brother's arm, doing what he always wanted to do . 'Be a bada.r.s.e,' as he'd put it . But it saddens me to talk about him like this . Like-like he's a memory .

"Under normal circ.u.mstances, when he was still alive, I never talked about him . I didn't think much about him until I went to bed and wanted to hear his voice . And I want it to be the same right now-" he shook his head . "And I guess, each and every one of us grieves in their own ways . We don't cry the same," My lips parted and I nodded . He was right . "You grieve by locking yourself and having panic attacks-" My eyes widened at the accuracy of what he said . "I grieve by ignoring what happened, taking enough sleeping pills to kill my nightmares, and focusing on my other son . What you might see normal might be my grieving, Samantha . We aren't the same level of 'normal' . "

I sniffed away some tears . This man wasn't really despicable after all . He was just efficient . The way he viewed things made sense . He knew how to move worlds . No wonder why he could survive in a job like his .

"And now that I've brought it up-" he said with a small smile, clearing his throat . "We both know that Julius wouldn't be the same when he's back . Based on the psychologist I let him see after he regained consciousness-" Alexander inhaled sharply and I gulped . "Julius is acutely depressed . He -uh- lost his speaking ability as a conseq-"

"Lost his speaking ability?" I whispered, hand on my heart .

"Yes," he sighed wearily . "He doesn't respond to anything . The only emotion he seemed to have expressed was anger when he lashed out on the poor psychologist like a madman . He's not taking it well at all . And I cannot approach him whatsoever . And based on the reports I get back from people who have their eyes on him, he's not leaving that suite of his . His bank account didn't decrease by a penny which could mean that he's starving himsel-"

"Oh-" I shook my head and he sighed heavily .

"He needs therapy, but it was disastrous last time . n.o.body could stop him . n.o.body could control him . "

I wiped away more tears and sniffed . My baby was in so much pain and I had absolutely no idea .

"Samanth" Alexander said hesitantly and I straightened up . "Do you truly love my son?"

I blinked at his question, my heart fluttering in my chest . I then nodded vigorously . "Yes . "

In a heartbeat, yes .

Alexander smiled wearily as I was reminded that he killed Audrey and cheated on his wife . But, I wasn't going to be bitter .

"Why would you ask that?"

"My son-" Alexander said, looking down . "-has the tendency to ruin almost anything he engages in . He probably tried to make you hate him . "

I nodded, my heart fluttering by the memory .

"Did he break up with you?" he asked me and I was flus.h.i.+ng at how he was at ease, discussing my personal life . But I couldn't be ridiculous and tell him that it wasn't really any of his concern . His purpose couldn't be just to pry .

"Yes . "

Alexander sighed and looked down . "I might not have given him the love and support that he needed-" he said . "I hurt him in many ways . I couldn't give him the peace he was looking for . He wasn-"

"Are you asking me to stay with your son?" And get to see him again? Be his only hope in his darkest days and the only light in his darkest nightmares? And 'break his heart' in the most inhumane ways? Is that even a question, Alexander?

His lips formed words that failed to come before he just sighed . "Is it too much to ask?"

I shook my head and suppressed a smile . "No! Of course, it isn't . "

Alexander then inhaled deeply as if relieved . "That's all I wanted you for . "

I bit away a grin and Julius' father nodded with a kind smile . "I just want him to see you . I want you to be this hope he holds on to because he's been dead ever since August pa.s.sed away . And I want him to have this urn-" I glanced at it and looked away quickly . "Because it turned out that Augustus left a letter on his desk before he pa.s.sed away . And it was clearly mainly written for Julius . He wanted him to have the letter and the ashes . "

My smile faltered as Alexander reached for the urn and the envelope that was beneath it and I immediately set Julius' folder that was on my lap aside . He handed me the urn and I was about to freak out, but Alexander smiled rea.s.suringly and I had to no option but to take it . I cradled its cold walls in my hands and hugged it to myself .

"The letter-" Alexander stated and I peeked up to find him stretching his arm with it . With a gulp, I caught it and couldn't help but read the few words scribbled on the envelope- My Just In Case 'Will' .

My heart broke .

I then slowly got up, the urn next to my heart and the envelope in my hand . Alexander followed suit and adjusted himself .

"I'm really sorry for any inconveniences," he pressed a smile and I shook my head .

"No, it's perfectly fine . "

"Just-" he sighed and shut his eyes for a moment . "Just be careful and take care of him . I don't know if he'd ever want to see my face again . "

"He will of course," I said sadly . "You're his father . "

"Thank you so much, Samanth" he sighed . "For listening to an old man like me and being forced into all of this mess . "
"He will of course," I said sadly . "You're his father . "

"Thank you so much, Samanth" he sighed . "For listening to an old man like me and being forced into all of this mess . "

I smiled . "No, it's absolutely fine . I can't even imagine my life being any different . "

Alexander smiled at me and then called one of his housekeepers .

"America please be kind enough to show her her way out . The driver will take her right to her house . "

America glanced at the urn in my arms and tears spilt from her eyes . "Of course . Sir . "

I glanced at America as she sniffed . She was a pet.i.te girl with short strawberry-blond hair and big amber eyes that overflowed with tears .

"Are you okay?" I asked her and she glanced at the urn . I immediately understood . "I'm sorry . "

America opened the front door while shaking her head . "It's okay . He hated this world anyway . "

I raised my eyebrows . "How do you know him?"

She looked at me and her face scrunched up as more tears fell from her eyes . "My-My-" she couldn't even continue as she got overwhelmed with more tears and a strangled sob . "-only best friend . "

He made friends with housekeepers?

"I'm sorry," I repeated, stepping out of the coolness of the house into the summer heat .

"Don't be-be sorry for his-his happiness-" she tried smiling, but only more tears came as she pursed her quivering wet lips .

And as America closed the door, I knew that I wasn't the only one who despised my brother .

---

I left the urn and letter at home and headed to Julius' suite as soon as I was out of Alexander's house .

Alexander had told me which hotel he stayed in and it was late in the afternoon when I found myself standing in front of his suite's partially opened door, wiping my clammy hands on my jeans . I certainly didn't know what to expect inside and by the sound of what Alexander had told me, it wouldn't be good .

Like you can find his dead body, how about that?

I pushed the door open, disturbed by my thoughts- my thoughts that seemed to have darkened and always, always diverted to death and violence .

The place was drenched in darkness and when I took my first step, my feet 'sploshed' . My heart dropped immediately- was I walking on water or my love's blood?

I reached for the wall and looked for a switch . I needed the lights on . I needed them on . I needed them on . So I frantically 'splish-sploshed' my way along the wall until I found one . I flicked it open and immediately looked down .

Water . It was so much water . It drenched the carpets, the furniture . I looked up and cringed at the sight of broken vases, lots of ripped papers and a broken lamp .

Oh darn .

I walked slowly and stopped short in front of the bathroom which had its door wide open . I did a double take when I found Julius sitting upright in the darkness in the tub, his legs pulled to his chest and his chin resting between his knees .

I stumbled in and switched on the lights . He didn't flinch the least bit as he stared straight at the wall in front of him .

And my heart shattered into a thousand lost pieces on seeing him look so . . . so unwell . So tired . So dead .

It was difficult, dragging my feet inside . It was too difficult doing that because I was at a loss of words . I was too scared I couldn't fix him . It didn't even look like I could .

I held onto the sink's edge before getting even closer .

The tub was full of water and his knees and shoulders were protruding the surface . His dark hair was slick, stuck on his forehead, concealing his eyes and his lips were deathly blue and twitching . The white s.h.i.+rt he was wearing stuck to him like second skin, exposing his shuddering chest .

I held my hand to my chest where I felt my dying, sad heart and lowered myself to the wet floor that surrounded him . Julius didn't even move an inch as I whimpered softly next to him . He didn't even blink .

And I couldn't think as I blurted the first thing that came to my mind . Samanthas POV . It was overwhelmingly hot and the air was remarkably difficult to breathe with the grief it carried . Today, I sat in the first row among about fifty people I didnt know to attend the cremation of Julius brother . I sat straight and watched people weep, chatter and share sad, small smiles . What a waste of life, they whispered . What a pitiful ending to such a pretty boy, they tsked . The cremation centre was huge and brightly lit by the overenthusiastic sun . It shouldve been dimmer to match the mood . It shouldve known its days to s.h.i.+ne . At the very end of the room was the crematorium where Augustus lied in a pine box casket, raised on a platform so it was visible to all of us . Exquisite peace lilies, pink orchids and purple hyacinths sprouted around it as if they all wouldnt be anything but ashes in a few minutes . I glanced at Alexander who stood beside the crematorium, listening to a priest who I didnt really care to listen to . Heavens, I was broken from the inside into a thousand spitting pieces of whys and hows and if onlys . My mind was too loud and my heart was beating too fast from the pain I felt for everyone . For Julius . This had hurt him so much to the extent that he couldnt be standing here . By his fathers side to tell his only brother a last, well-deserved goodbye . No, Julius wasnt here . And it hit me as odd but who was I to judge when I last saw him was two days ago after his brother died in his arms? I was surprised when Alexander approached me personally, yesterday, to make me attend this . This painful, bad thing on such a horrendous, hot day . But I owed it to Julius . I wanted to be there for his brother . His brother that sacrificed his own life . And I wasnt entirely sure how I felt . Was I glad that Julius didnt die instead? Or was I sad because Julius wouldnt be the one I know after what he witnessed? Those last two days . Those last two days were the worst days of my life . Heavens, the last whole month was the worst . Ever . I left to my house and locked myself in my room for as long as I could remember after I watched Julius get carried away to a hospital in an ambulance after his brothers death . Even though it took my all not to hop alongside him and hold his hands, I had to honour our goodbye . I had to let go . Alexander was the reason why I came out of my room when he rang the doorbell . I looked a sight, but he was smiling at me . He asked if he could come inside . And I was speechless for a while . I hadnt spoken ever since what happened happened . But I let him in . He sat on my couch, glanced at the red-wine-stained white carpet and sighed . He asked me to attend Augustus cremation . He told me that there was something important he wanted to discuss with me . He said that now wasnt the time . He told me I had to freshen up and eat something because I looked ashen . He even said he was sorry about Lucien- my brother . My brother . I didnt like thinking about him because there would be lots of unanswered questions . And I couldnt afford that . I was a walking, silent catastrophe that was starving for peace . And those questions would bring nothing but more chaos and panic attacks . I was pulling on my sleeves and staring hard at the crematoriums door that soon swallowed Augustus casket and my breath away . This is no time for a panic attack, I reminded myself . I took in three deep breaths as tears filled my eyes . Sight was such an ugly thing on such hot days . I sat undeterred, nevertheless, and pushed up my sungla.s.ses over my hair as I tore my gaze away from the crematorium . Well, he belonged to natures peace more than he did to this melancholic, dead world . I glanced at Alexander again . He stood straight in a crisp black suit and s.h.i.+ny black shoes right next to his blazing son . His dark hair was styled perfectly and shone under the dancing sun rays . And I was like, wow, this man- this man is so full of strength . He was standing, watching his son get reduced to nothing but ashes -instead of the opposite- while smiling at people . He actually smiled and shook hands . I watched him s.h.i.+ft in his place and clasp his hands that were - oh, yes- shaking . And when it was announced that the cremation was over, Alexander looked away and dabbed at his eyes with a handkerchief . He was gone . My lips quivered and I dropped the sungla.s.ses on my teary eyes again . Alexander shouldnt have invited me, I thought as I let out a sob, got up, exited the cremation centre and hyperventilated . My mind raced in all possible directions to remind me of the reason behind his death . My brother . My brother . I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped my head to meet Alexanders gentle, dark eyes . Come on, dear- he said quietly . -lets head to the car . He then turned and started walking toward a huge silver car that I didnt recognize its model . I stared at his back for a while and tried not seeing Julius in the way he carried himself around as if he owned the whole world . I sniffed and followed him . The car ride was very short and silent . Or it seemed so as we were both lost in our own convoluted thoughts . Once we were inside his luxurious house- or should I say his dead sons luxurious house?-, I smiled at a housekeeper that took Alexanders jacket and headed toward the living area . I stood still as I watched Alexander seat himself on a violet velvet couch and sigh . He then looked up at me before smiling . He looked so much like Julius, his jaws, his thick, arched eyebrows- they were really father and son . He waved his hand at a smaller couch beside him and raised his eyebrows at me . I cleared my throat dumbly and sat there, my hands in my laps . Would you like to have something, Samantha? he asked me and I turned fully in his direction, my heart beating loud at what could possibly be in store for me . Me? was what I blurted dumbly before I shook my head with what I hoped was a polite smile . No -uh- thank you . Alexander studied me more before he sighed heavily and nodded . You must be worried- he breathed . -about what I would want from you . At such a time . I looked at him curiously . But dont worry- he continued . Youre like my daughter now . I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows . Sir, I hope this isnt about my brother because Im not sure what would you want from me . I have absolutely nothi- First of all- he started wearily and I could tell how much exhausted he actually was . First of all, dont call me Sir . You may call me Alexander . Besides, I have a lot to tell you . I mean, blimey, you must be plagued by questions . I sat up at that and he smiled gently . Understandably, he sighed . You must want to know about what happened to your brother . His eyes caught mine and I looked away . But before that, I would like to . apologize . I looked back up at him, his face was solemn, grief and tiredness, dark pens lining his face . Im sorry that you had to play a part in this whole story . Julius- My heart tripped . -was never supposed to murder your father . But since that happened, he left us no choice but to find you- he said . For the doc.u.ments- He glanced at me and I looked at my hands . I was about to reply, but he stopped me . Julius mistake has put many lives in danger . So Im sorry for that- I was shaking my head and trying to smile . I wanted to say that Julius intervention was what helped me discover that I was living, laughing and making memories with a bunch of liars . I wanted to tell him that Julius saved me from loneliness . That if it werent for him, I would still be blind, visiting my oh, so wonderful mother in Paris and sleeping with a stranger -Amand under the same roof . There was nothing to apologize for . And as for Lucien, I hope you carry no resentment against me for dealing with him in a rightful manner -I can spare you the details- and for bringing justice- he said slowly and I narrowed my eyes at him a little . What Julius told me about him would be an insult to what he said was justice . He definitely could tell from my face that I was about to object so what he said totally blew my mind . I know what could be going on on your mind right now, so let me make some clarifications . He clasped his hands . Julius isnt really a blood-loving murderer . Hes more of an a.s.sa.s.sin . What can I say? He just kills with good purpose- he told me quickly . I blinked at him . a.s.sa.s.sin? Yes, Samanth he clasped his hands . He is a.s.signed to kill the greatest criminals of all time . Nineteen and your father made them twenty . That wasnt what he told me- I said confusedly, feeling my chest constrict . That wasnt what he- Julius said he killed those twenty people and that he regretted it so much . He regretted it because it would never allow him to be with me . Because people paid with their lives to be with him . Like Audrey . Like his brother . Because he doesnt know- he said slowly, then reached for a dark-green folder on the coffee table . He pa.s.sed the folder to me and I hesitantly took it . Have a look yourself . I flipped the folder open and was met by a mans face with a bold 1 marked on his forehead . I turned the picture and found a printed paper with lots of handwritten notes . The handwriting was a cursive mess that I failed to understand . I ran my fingers over the paper dented by the force applied in writing all those notes and gulped . This is Julius folder- Alexander said as I flipped the page and found more notes . It contains all the cases he dealt with . His folder grew with every case . If you flip to the last pages, youll find your father . And if you want, I can get you doc.u.ments that show you the felonies committed by each one of them . I flipped to the last pages to find my fathers face, but there wasnt a number on his forehead . Although, I dont particularly understand why he numbered them, he sighed . I believe he didnt number Orville because he wasnt ordered to kill him . Yeah, Orville . My father . Not Ricardo . Hmm, fun . I frowned as I flipped back to a womans face with a number 17 . I almost cringed at the fact that he almost cut the paper by writing that number . And then I realized that he was counting them to torment himself when he shouldve been really proud of what he was doing . His father watched him suffer for no reason . He doesnt know? I repeated, anger leaving an edge to my voice . No . Our work is highly secretive- was what his excuse was . You destroyed him . You-You destroyed him completely- the words tumbled out of my mouth unapologetically . Exactly- he sighed and locked my eyes . And I immediately felt the sorrow and regret they carried . It eased me a bit that he was regretful but what would that do? How would that help Julius now? Exactly? I grimaced . Exactly? Thats it? I-I- he started, fumbling with his rings . -I want to fix it . My jaw dropped slightly . This man . Remember when I said he was strong? Scratch that . He was despicable . Fix what? What do you think you can fix when he blames himself for everything bad that happens to him? What can you possibly fix when he hates you? I lied quickly and regretted it . Even though he was despicable, I had a heart . He just lost his son . I shouldnt have said that no matter what . Im sorr- No- he cut me vehemently . I know . Im simply perplexed- I said, shaking my head . You gave him scars! You made his life h.e.l.l . You cheated- I am aware of what- he said irritably . No- my eyes were already welling up . You dont know what youve made of him . You made a monster! Julius isnt- he said weakly, shaking his head . He has the biggest heart, S Of course he does! I said immediately, my voice quavering . And it costs him a lot to do so! He wasnt living- I know- No- tears were falling now . I brought my hand to my heart- where Julius was . You made him lose everything . Everything . You made him regret his life- Saman- No! You shouldve told him! I said, gulping down air . You shoul- Its beyond your conception the importance of what we do! He then said, shutting me up . It isnt easy . Julius helped save so many lives- At the expense of his? It wasnt easy for me! He snapped . It wasnt easy to bring him up to do what he does- I was shaking my head and looking away . Samantha, Julius hate for me gave him the drive to do most of what was necess- That is where you go wrong- I sniffed sadly and looked back at him . Julius drive was to make you proud of him . Not his hate . Alexander paused and stared at me . He told you that? Of course he did! I said, my lips quivering . Julius doesnt know how to hate . What-What drove him to look for me or Sam or whatever- I said, looking back into the memory of that night when I laid, hands intertwined, on his chest that reverberated with the words that flew out of his mouth to console me . It wasnt hatred for you even though you killed his pregnant girlfriend- She was pregnant? His eyes widened . Yes! I cried . What drove him was his love to her and his baby . Not you . Not that hatred . He doesnt hate . Alexander stared at me and said nothing . Youre probably right- he sighed sadly . I mean, Ive always- he stopped and brought a clenched fist to his mouth . -Ive always misunderstood my sons- my son- My lips parted and my heart sank . G.o.d, its no secret that Im sad, why am I like this? He was talking to himself before he cleared his throat and looked at me with gla.s.sy eyes . I know I messed up- he told me, taking a deep breath . -with both of them . One wanted a brother, a friend and got to die in his arms . And the other wanted a family and ended alone, blocking out reality . And it all traces back to me- Tears spilt from eyes as I looked away . I couldnt save the first one- he said, his voice on the verge of breaking . But Im hoping to save the other one . My regrets, my sorries will not bring Augustus back . And they certainly wont make Julius ever forgive me . But I can fix a thing or two . And thats why I wanted you, Samantha . I studied the expectant look on his face and subtly raised my eyebrows . Do you-? He started but someone walked inside the reception with something wrapped in a white cloth and demanded Alexanders attention . Alexander blinked up at the man and smiled . Yes, Samuel . Its done already? Alexander then stood up as Samuel uncovered what looked like a sky-blue cremation urn . And with utter horror, I realized that it carried Augustus ashes . He pa.s.sed the urn to Alexander who nodded at Samuel . Thank you- Alexander said, setting the urn on the coffee table in front of me . I was still staring at the urn . The urn that carried the remains of a person who was once walking among us and joking endlessly . Little did he know that what remained of his jokes was nothing but pulverized bones . Saman- Alexander called me and I snapped my eyes away from the urn . How are you dealing with this? I asked him, my voice strangled . Hes your son- Your sons ashes! I almost choked . How can you so normally-? It isnt normal- he told me . And Im trying to deal with it like I would deal with any death . He said promptly . In fact, I thought Id die if something happened to him . But here I am . Trying to accept that I wont see him again, running around in boxers or-or- he was waving his arms, talking to the ceiling . -singing with the housekeepers those-those absolutely atrocious songs . Mind you, he looked down at me with a small smile . -he had a nightmare-inducing taste in music . Its really painful, Samantha . Beyond belief . Seeing him get drained dry from his blood in front of my eyes as another consequence to what I do, ripped me apart . But just the thought that his life helped save many others, is satisfying . In fact, Augustus mustve died very happy- he said forcefully . -in his brothers arm, doing what he always wanted to do . Be a bada.r.s.e, as hed put it . But it saddens me to talk about him like this . Like-like hes a memory . Under normal circ.u.mstances, when he was still alive, I never talked about him . I didnt think much about him until I went to bed and wanted to hear his voice . And I want it to be the same right now- he shook his head . And I guess, each and every one of us grieves in their own ways . We dont cry the same, My lips parted and I nodded . He was right . You grieve by locking yourself and having panic attacks- My eyes widened at the accuracy of what he said . I grieve by ignoring what happened, taking enough sleeping pills to kill my nightmares, and focusing on my other son . What you might see normal might be my grieving, Samantha . We arent the same level of normal . I sniffed away some tears . This man wasnt really despicable after all . He was just efficient . The way he viewed things made sense . He knew how to move worlds . No wonder why he could survive in a job like his . And now that Ive brought it up- he said with a small smile, clearing his throat . We both know that Julius wouldnt be the same when hes back . Based on the psychologist I let him see after he regained consciousness- Alexander inhaled sharply and I gulped . Julius is acutely depressed . He -uh- lost his speaking ability as a conseq- Lost his speaking ability? I whispered, hand on my heart . Yes, he sighed wearily . He doesnt respond to anything . The only emotion he seemed to have expressed was anger when he lashed out on the poor psychologist like a madman . Hes not taking it well at all . And I cannot approach him whatsoever . And based on the reports I get back from people who have their eyes on him, hes not leaving that suite of his . His bank account didnt decrease by a penny which could mean that hes starving himsel- Oh- I shook my head and he sighed heavily . He needs therapy, but it was disastrous last time . n.o.body could stop him . n.o.body could control him . I wiped away more tears and sniffed . My baby was in so much pain and I had absolutely no idea . Samanth Alexander said hesitantly and I straightened up . Do you truly love my son? I blinked at his question, my heart fluttering in my chest . I then nodded vigorously . Yes . In a heartbeat, yes . Alexander smiled wearily as I was reminded that he killed Audrey and cheated on his wife . But, I wasnt going to be bitter . Why would you ask that? My son- Alexander said, looking down . -has the tendency to ruin almost anything he engages in . He probably tried to make you hate him . I nodded, my heart fluttering by the memory . Did he break up with you? he asked me and I was flus.h.i.+ng at how he was at ease, discussing my personal life . But I couldnt be ridiculous and tell him that it wasnt really any of his concern . His purpose couldnt be just to pry . Yes . Alexander sighed and looked down . I might not have given him the love and support that he needed- he said . I hurt him in many ways . I couldnt give him the peace he was looking for . He wasn- Are you asking me to stay with your son? And get to see him again? Be his only hope in his darkest days and the only light in his darkest nightmares? And break his heart in the most inhumane ways? Is that even a question, Alexander? His lips formed words that failed to come before he just sighed . Is it too much to ask? I shook my head and suppressed a smile . No! Of course, it isnt . Alexander then inhaled deeply as if relieved . Thats all I wanted you for . I bit away a grin and Julius father nodded with a kind smile . I just want him to see you . I want you to be this hope he holds on to because hes been dead ever since August pa.s.sed away . And I want him to have this urn- I glanced at it and looked away quickly . Because it turned out that Augustus left a letter on his desk before he pa.s.sed away . And it was clearly mainly written for Julius . He wanted him to have the letter and the ashes . My smile faltered as Alexander reached for the urn and the envelope that was beneath it and I immediately set Julius folder that was on my lap aside . He handed me the urn and I was about to freak out, but Alexander smiled rea.s.suringly and I had to no option but to take it . I cradled its cold walls in my hands and hugged it to myself . The letter- Alexander stated and I peeked up to find him stretching his arm with it . With a gulp, I caught it and couldnt help but read the few words scribbled on the envelope- My Just In Case Will . My heart broke . I then slowly got up, the urn next to my heart and the envelope in my hand . Alexander followed suit and adjusted himself . Im really sorry for any inconveniences, he pressed a smile and I shook my head . No, its perfectly fine . Just- he sighed and shut his eyes for a moment . Just be careful and take care of him . I dont know if hed ever want to see my face again . He will of course, I said sadly . Youre his father . Thank you so much, Samanth he sighed . For listening to an old man like me and being forced into all of this mess . I smiled . No, its absolutely fine . I cant even imagine my life being any different . Alexander smiled at me and then called one of his housekeepers . America please be kind enough to show her her way out . The driver will take her right to her house . America glanced at the urn in my arms and tears spilt from her eyes . Of course . Sir . I glanced at America as she sniffed . She was a pet.i.te girl with short strawberry-blond hair and big amber eyes that overflowed with tears . Are you okay? I asked her and she glanced at the urn . I immediately understood . Im sorry . America opened the front door while shaking her head . Its okay . He hated this world anyway . I raised my eyebrows . How do you know him? She looked at me and her face scrunched up as more tears fell from her eyes . My-My- she couldnt even continue as she got overwhelmed with more tears and a strangled sob . -only best friend . He made friends with housekeepers? Im sorry, I repeated, stepping out of the coolness of the house into the summer heat . Dont be-be sorry for his-his happiness- she tried smiling, but only more tears came as she pursed her quivering wet lips . And as America closed the door, I knew that I wasnt the only one who despised my brother . --- I left the urn and letter at home and headed to Julius suite as soon as I was out of Alexanders house . Alexander had told me which hotel he stayed in and it was late in the afternoon when I found myself standing in front of his suites partially opened door, wiping my clammy hands on my jeans . I certainly didnt know what to expect inside and by the sound of what Alexander had told me, it wouldnt be good . Like you can find his dead body, how about that? I pushed the door open, disturbed by my thoughts- my thoughts that seemed to have darkened and always, always diverted to death and violence . The place was drenched in darkness and when I took my first step, my feet sploshed . My heart dropped immediately- was I walking on water or my loves blood? I reached for the wall and looked for a switch . I needed the lights on . I needed them on . I needed them on . So I frantically splish-sploshed my way along the wall until I found one . I flicked it open and immediately looked down . Water . It was so much water . It drenched the carpets, the furniture . I looked up and cringed at the sight of broken vases, lots of ripped papers and a broken lamp . Oh darn . I walked slowly and stopped short in front of the bathroom which had its door wide open . I did a double take when I found Julius sitting upright in the darkness in the tub, his legs pulled to his chest and his chin resting between his knees . I stumbled in and switched on the lights . He didnt flinch the least bit as he stared straight at the wall in front of him . And my heart shattered into a thousand lost pieces on seeing him look so . so unwell . So tired . So dead . It was difficult, dragging my feet inside . It was too difficult doing that because I was at a loss of words . I was too scared I couldnt fix him . It didnt even look like I could . I held onto the sinks edge before getting even closer . The tub was full of water and his knees and shoulders were protruding the surface . His dark hair was slick, stuck on his forehead, concealing his eyes and his lips were deathly blue and twitching . The white s.h.i.+rt he was wearing stuck to him like second skin, exposing his shuddering chest . I held my hand to my chest where I felt my dying, sad heart and lowered myself to the wet floor that surrounded him . Julius didnt even move an inch as I whimpered softly next to him . He didnt even blink . And I couldnt think as I blurted the first thing that came to my mind .