Julius Caesar 59 S A M A R A - Ii

"Remember when you asked me why I love music?" I asked softly, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. "It understood me on my bad days. When people judged me, hurt me. Usually unintentionally. And when Dad died, the music felt very intimate and personal. I still find myself looking back at the day I shared a piece of me with you, the first time we met, and I can't believe that I actually shared it with a stranger."

Julius sat motionlessly, looking straight ahead, but I knew he was listening.

"I'm not going to tell you 'I know what you're going through', because, baby, in reality, I don't," I said, studying the yellowing tiles I sat on. "I never had twenty souls wrapped around my neck, an animalistic father, a hopelessly lost cause of a lover, and a brother who sacrificed his life for me. I never did.

"I'm not going to tell you ′get over it, move on, talk it out', because I don't know how hard it is for you to keep breathing right now to ask you for more. I won't because I know how hard breathing can get some days-" I sniffed, remembering my panic attacks, and intertwined my fingers. "I find solace in music. Others find it in talking, boxing, dancing, and I don't know what. You might find it elsewhere. And until you do, I want nothing from you. Nothing, but to count on me."

At that, he blinked. Once. Twice. His head almost turned, but he returned it to its original position. I sighed and wiped away my tears. This is not the time to cry, I threatened myself. It would do us no good if one was weeping on the inside and the other was weeping on the outside. I had to get a grip on myself. I had to strengthen up and get past all what happened if I were to help him out of what he was in.

"Before he died-" I started, looking down at my chipped, disgusting nails. "When you forced us to leave my brother's mansion-" I paused and took a deep breath. "Augustus made me promise him something in case he never came back."

I looked up and Julius was looking straight at me, through his hair. His face was stoic with a shadow of stubble. His eyes -ugh, that I couldn't see- so I leaned forward and pushed the hair that covered them. His pupils constricted under the bright light as he studied me expectantly.

His transparently virid eyes glinted with sad curiosity.

I pulled back and settled on the wet floor as I held his eyes in mine. "He made me promise that we should hang out in his 'place' that he said you knew. And then travel to Vegas and get-get married. He left his-" I stopped, clenched my fists, and decided to man up. He had to know one way or another. "His urn. And a letter. For you, Julius."

He closed his eyes at this and clenched his jaws.

"Baby, you don't even need to talk-" I said with a sad smile. "I'd understand the language of your heartbeat, Julius. You just-you just need to let me in. Trust me in that vulnerable state of yours... as I did...when I was blind-" I paused and glanced at his cast down eyes. "I know sadness. I know it so very well. And I recognize it in me and people's eyes. And your eyes are sadness, Caesar. And it isn't for nothing. I want to be there for you in every moment of it, baby. In its most merciless and most merciful. I want to be there to hold your hand and hold you to me in its darkest hours to remind you of a love so strong. A love worth living for."

I then sat on my knees and leaned toward him. He almost leaned back with a slight frown but managed to stop himself as I whispered, "Julius. I understand your fear-" I paused as his eyes sharply landed on mine. "I understand that if you let me in right now, you might risk losing me and going through this pain all over again. The pain of another goodbye- yet. But you're all free now!" I tried to smile as tears slipped out of control. "You're as free as a bird. In fact, I talked to Alexander today-"

His lips parted and I smiled, wiping the stupid tears away. "Yes, babe, but I'll let him say it all to you. You aren't really who you think you are." I shook my head. "You're you're a great- a very great person, Caesar. You're so great to have survived all that and managed to keep your heart safe from all the temptations. And I love you, Julius. I love you. You're the most powerful man in my eyes and you have my all. So let me have you. Let me stand by your side. Let me show you the power of us."

It wasn't long before his eyes filled with tears, his lips quivered, and he looked away. I used my hand to gently force his chin toward me. He didn't resist.

"Julius you might think you're doing what's right by keeping yourself away from everyone, everything. From me! But no-" I said, tears springing from my eyes. I blinked them away. Out of the way, tears! "This won't end up like Audrey or-or Augustus. This will be different. And I know it because your father told me!" I lied quickly but I'd make sure I'd threaten Alexander in person to not let Julius get involved in any of his affairs anymore.

I had already made up my mind that when I get Julius a little eased up, I'd have him visit his father. "He told me you can do what you want now. That you're free, baby. So be selfish and choose your happiness-" I smiled in his face as he sniffed and gulped.

He then stared in my eyes for as long as I could remember before he looked down and turned away. My heart sank.

"Augustus would've hated to see you like this. In a cold tub. In a filthy bathroom, away from all the warmth life can provide-"

At that, he lost it. He started grunting and groaning, pulling at his hair as my heart stopped. No, it didn't just stop- I felt it die on me. I actually felt my eyes roll back. I felt my heart stop and it was like I was having a mini-death experience because- what have I done? Did I say something wrong? Had I aroused a painful memory?

He sobbed and started banging his head on his knees before his fist came cras.h.i.+ng into the wall, shattering the d.a.m.ned tiles. I gasped and immediately got to my feet, not knowing what to do. His knuckles where a red mess of flesh and blood and his sobs were agonizing and angry. I stepped closer to him but he punched the wall again and more blood oozed out.

I almost vomited my heart out.

"Julius, please-" I begged him to stop but he was soon banging his head against the wall, crying his heart out. I couldn't stand seeing him harm himself anymore, so I quickly stepped into the tub's freezing water, unafraid of his anger.

I winced at the cold water, sat on my knees, wrapped my shaking arms around his tensed, cold torso, and pulled him toward me, away from the shattered wall.

He resisted me.

He resisted me a lot as he cried out in scorching despair and splashed around with his legs, but I would never let him go. I held him harder and wrapped my legs around his middle to lock him here as I cried with him. I had to tire him out. I had to.

And it wasn't ironic that we were both crying for the loss of two different people. Or should I say, one person? After all, they really were both one. He and his brother.

And it worked. I swear it did. It didn't take long before he rested his head on my collar bone, his wet hair tickling my neck, his eyes closed, with silent, defeated tears, running down his deathly pale cheeks.

I mean what could the echoes of a boy's cries have done? What could they have done to reverse what was?

I unwrapped my legs and pulled him closer to me, his body's heaviness light compared to the grief that sat like a bulldozer on my lungs. I planted a kiss on top of his head and s.h.i.+vered, my tears cascading endlessly as I watched the water redden by his blood. His knuckles were in bad shape, but he was calming down and I daren't disturb him.

I pressed my quivering lips to his cold ear and started singing, in a shaky voice, a lullaby to console him.

"Sleep, baby, sleep. Your father tends the sheep. Your mother shakes the dreamland tree. And from it fall sweet dreams for thee. Sleep, baby, sleep. Sleep, baby, sleep."

His tensed body relaxed under my cold fingertips and I smiled as more tears spilt from my eyes. "Sleep, baby, sleep. Our cottage vale is deep. The little-The little lamb is on the gree-green-" I almost choked on my tears with this line as it reminded me of his dead brother. "With snowy fleece so soft and clean-" I nestled my nose in his hair and let it soak my tears. "Sleep, baby, sleep. Sleep, baby, sleep. Please, Caeser, please- It'll be okay. Please. It's all going to be okay."

And that was what I continued doing until his frowning, thick eyebrows withdrew and his lips parted with soft, small breaths fighting their way out.

And that was it. He was asleep.

I sat there for as long as I could remember, dried tears on my cheeks, the cold walls of the tub painfully poking my shoulder bones, and an angelic Julius fast asleep between my aching arms.