Mr. Punch at the Seaside Part 19

So far from begging on you to have a soft Roe with the Tide, or a hard Roe against it, they makes all sorts of egscewses for not taking you, says they're just a going to dinner, or they thinks the wind's a gitting up, or there ain't enough water!

Not enuff water in the Sea to flote a Bote! wen any one could see as there was thousands of galluns there.

I saw some on 'em this mornin bringin in sum fish, and asked the price of a pair of Souls, but they axshally said they didn't dare sell one, for every man Jack of 'em must be sent to Billingsgate! but werry likely sum on 'em might be sent back again in the arternoon, and then I could get some at the Fishmonger's!

What a nice derangemunt!

There was the butiful fresh fish reddy for eating, there was me and my family reddy to eat 'em, but no, they must be packed in boxes and carried to the Station and then sent by Rale to London, and then sent by Wan to Billingsgate, and that takes I'm told ever so many hours, and then carried back to the London Stashun, and then sent by Rale to Northgate, and then carried from the Stashun to the Fishmonger's, and then I'm allowed to buy 'em!

Well if that isn't a butiful business like arrangement, my Lord Mare, I should like to know what is.

However, as I wunce herd a Deputy say, when things c.u.ms to their wust, things is sure to mend, and I don't think that things can be much wusser than that.

(_Signed_) ROBERT.

[Ill.u.s.tration: LIGHT PUFFS RAISED A LITTLE SWELL]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HEAVY SWELL ON THE BAR]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BELL BUOY]

THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.--_Landlady_ (_to s.h.i.+vering lodger_). No, sir, I don't object to your dining at a restorong, nor to your taking an 'apenny paper, but I must resent your constant 'abit of locking up your whiskey, thereby himplying that me, a clergyman's daughter, is p.r.o.ne to larceny.

[_Lodger immediately hands her the key as a guarantee of good faith._

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BORES OF THE BEACH

So! as it's a fine day, you'll sit on the beach and read the paper comfortably, will you? Very good! Then we recommend you to get what guinea-pigs, brandy-b.a.l.l.s, boats, and children's socks, to say nothing of sh.e.l.l-workboxes, lace collars, and the like you may want, before you settle down.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Excuse me, sir. I seem to have met you before. Are you not a relative of Mr. Dan Briggs?"

"No, madam. I _am_ Mr. Dan Briggs himself."

"Ah, then that explains the remarkable resemblance!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ACCOMMODATING

_Lodger._ "And then, there's that cold pheasant, Mrs. Bilkes"----

_Landlady._ "Yes'm, and if you should have enough without it, lor', Mr.

Bilkes wouldn't mind a eatin' of it for his supper, if that's all."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mrs. Brown._ "Might I ask how much you gave that n.i.g.g.e.r?"

_Mr. Brown_ (_first day down_). "Sixpence."

_Mrs. B._ "Oh, indeed! Perhaps, sir, you are not aware that your wife and family have listened to those same n.i.g.g.e.rs for the last ten days for a _penny_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PLEASURES OF THE SEASIDE

_Mermaiden._ "I am told you keep a circulating library?"

_Librarian._ "Yes, miss. _There_ it is! Subscription, two s.h.i.+llings a-week; one volume at a time; change as often as you please! Would you like to see a catalogue?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION

_Polite Little Girl_ (_suddenly_). "This is my mamma, sir. Will you please sing her, 'It's the seasoning wot does it!'"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUT OF TOWN (UNFAs.h.i.+ONABLE INTELLIGENCE)

_Visitor._ "What a roaring trade the hotels will be doing, with all these holiday folk!"

_Head waiter at The George._ "Lor bless yer, sir, no! They all bring their nosebags with 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SEASIDE STUDIES

_Wandering Minstrel._ "Gurls! I'm a doocid fine cha-appie!" &c., &c.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Wiggles and Sprott prefer bathing from the beach to having a stuffy machine. They are much pleased with the delicate little attention indicated above!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEA