Mr. Punch at the Seaside Part 3

Shall we relax our minds with the newest novels, or give our intellects a bracing course of the best standard works?

Shall we dine late or early?

Shall we call on the Denbigh Flints, who, according to the _Pierpoint Pioneer_, are staying at 10, Ocean Crescent?

Shall we carefully avoid the Wilkiesons, whom the same unerring guide reports at 33, Blue Lion Street?

Shall we be satisfied with our first weekly bill?

Shall we find in it any unexpected and novel extras, such as knife-cleaning, proportion of the water-rate, loan of latch-key, &c.?

Shall we get our meat at Round's, who displays the Prince of Wales's Feathers over his shop door, and plumes himself on being "purveyor" to His Royal Highness; or at Cleaver's, who boasts of the patronage of the Hereditary Grand Duke of Seltersland?

Shall we find everything dearer here than it is at home?

Shall we be happy in our laundress?

Shall we be photographed?

Shall we, as Mrs. Kittlespark has a spare bed-room, invite our Cousin Amelia Staythorp, from whom we have expectations, and who is Constance Edith Amelia's G.o.dmother, to come down and stay a week with us?

Shall we be praiseworthily economical, and determine not to spend a single unnecessary sixpence; or shall we, as we _have_ come to Pierpoint, enjoy ourselves to the utmost, go in for all the amus.e.m.e.nts of the place--pier, public gardens, theatre, concerts, Oceanarium, bathing, boating, fis.h.i.+ng, driving, riding, and rinking--make excursions, be ostentatiously liberal to the Town Band, and buy everything that is offered to us on the Beach?

A month hence, shall we be glad or sorry to leave Pierpoint, and go back to Paddington?

[Ill.u.s.tration: GOING TO BRIGHTON]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHAT WE COULD BEAR A GOOD DEAL OF]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A VIEW OF COWES]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE AT SANDBATH

The Female Blondin Outdone! Grand Morning Performance on the Narrow Plank by the Darling ----]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A LITTLE FAMILY BREEZE

_Mrs. T._ "What a wretch you must be, T.; why don't you take me off?

Don't you see I'm overtook with the tide, and I shall be drownded!"

_T._ "Well, then--will you promise not to kick up such a row when I stop out late of a Sat.u.r.day?"]

POSTSCRIPT TO A SEASIDE LETTER.--"The sea is as smooth, and clear, as a looking-gla.s.s. The oysters might see to shave in it."

[Ill.u.s.tration: ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK

"And look here! I want you to take my friend here and myself just far enough to be up to our chins, you know, and no further!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BANGOR]

WHAT THE WILD WAVES ARE SAYING

That the lodging-house keepers are on the look out for the weary Londoners and their boxes.

That the sea breezes will attract all the world from the Metropolis to the coast.

That Britons should prefer Ramsgate, Eastbourne, Scarborough, and the like, to Dieppe, Dinard, and Boulogne.

That paterfamilias should remember, when paying the bill, that a two months' letting barely compensates for an empty house during the remainder of the year.

That the sh.o.r.e is a place of recreation for all but the bathing-machine horse.

That the circulating libraries are stocked with superfluous copies of unknown novels waiting to be read.

That, finally, during the excursion season, 'Arry will have to be tolerated, if not exactly loved.

[Ill.u.s.tration: [_The "Lancet" advocates taking holidays in Midwinter instead of Midsummer._]

View of the sands of Anywhere-on-Sea if the suggestion is adopted.

Time--December or January.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mrs. Fydgetts_ (_screaming_). "My child! My child!"

_Mr. Fydgetts._ "What's the use of making that noise? Can't you be quiet?"