The Easiest Way Part 23

ELFIE. Oh, something with a regular tune to it [_Looks at empty box on pianola._]. Oh, here's one; just watch me tear this off. [_The roll is the tune of "Bon-Bon Buddie, My Chocolate Drop." She starts to play and moves the lever marked "Swell" wide open, increases the tempo, and is pumping with all the delight and enthusiasm of a child._] Ain't it grand?

LAURA. Gracious, Elfie, don't play so loud. What's the matter?

ELFIE. I shoved over that thing marked "Swell." [_Stops and turns.

Rises; crosses to centre and stands._] I sure will have to speak to Jerry about this. I'm stuck on that swell thing. Hurry up. [LAURA _appears._] Gee! you look pale. [_And then in a tone of sympathy:_]

I'll just bet you and Will have had a fight, and he always gets the best of you, doesn't he, dearie? [LAURA _crosses to dresser, and busies herself._] Listen. Don't you think you can ever get him trained? I almost threw Jerry down the stairs the other night and he came right back with a lot of American beauties and a check. I told him if he didn't look out I'd throw him down-stairs every night. He's getting too d.a.m.ned independent and it's got me nervous. Oh, dear, I s'pose I will have to go back on the stage. [_Sits in armchair._

LAURA. In the chorus?

ELFIE. Well, I should say not. I'm going to give up my musical career.

Charlie Burgess is putting on a new play, and he says he has a part in it for me if I want to go back. It isn't much, but very important,--sort of a pantomime part. A lot of people talk about me, and just at the right time I walk across the stage and make an awful hit. I told Jerry that if I went [LAURA _crosses to sofa, picks up candy-box, puts it upon desk, gets telegram from table, crosses to centre._] on he'd have to come across with one of those Irish crochet lace gowns. He fell for it. Do you know, dearie, I think he'd sell out his business just to have me back on the stage for a couple of weeks, just to give box-parties every night for my _en_-trance and _ex_-its.

LAURA. [_Seriously._] Elfie! [LAURA _takes_ ELFIE _by the hand, and leads her over to sofa._ LAURA _sits,_ ELFIE _standing._

ELFIE. Yes, dear.

LAURA. Come over here and sit down.

ELFIE. What's up?

LAURA. Do you know what I'm going to ask of you?

ELFIE. If it's a touch, you'll have to wait until next week. [_Sits opposite_ LAURA.

LAURA. No: just a little advice.

ELFIE. [_With a smile._] Well, that's cheap, and Lord knows you need it. What's happened?

LAURA _takes the crumpled and torn telegram that_ WILL _has left on the table and hands it to_ ELFIE. _The latter puts the two pieces together, reads it very carefully, looks up at_ LAURA _about middle of telegram, and lays it down._

ELFIE. Well?

LAURA. Will suspected. There was something in the paper about Mr.

Madison--the telegram came--then we had a row.

ELFIE. Serious?

LAURA. Yes. Do you remember what I told you about that letter--the one Will made me write--I mean to John--telling him what I had done?

ELFIE. Yes, you burned it.

LAURA. I tried to lie to Will--he wouldn't have it that way. He seemed to know. He was furious.

ELFIE. Did he hit you?

LAURA. No; he made me admit that John didn't know, and then he said he'd stay here and tell himself that I'd made him lie, and then he said something about liking the other man and wanting to save him.

ELFIE. Save--shucks! He's jealous.

LAURA. I told him if he'd only go I'd--tell John myself when he came, and now you see I'm waiting--and I've got to tell--and--and I don't know how to begin--and--and I thought you could help me--you seem so sort of resourceful, and it means--it means so much to me. If John turned on me now I couldn't go back to Will, and, Elfie,--I don't think I'd care to--stay here any more.

ELFIE. What! [_In an awestruck tone, taking_ LAURA _in her arms impulsively._] Dearie, get that nonsense out of your head and be sensible. I'd just like to see any two men who could make me think about--well--what you seem to have in your mind.

LAURA. But I don't know; don't you see, Elfie, I don't know. If I don't tell him, Will will come back and he'll tell him, and I know John and maybe--Elfie, do you know, I think John would kill him.

ELFIE. Well, don't you think anything about that. Now let's get [_Rises, crosses to armchair, draws it over a little, sits on left arm._] down to cases, and we haven't much time. Business is business, and love is love. You're long on love and I'm long on business, and between the two of us we ought to straighten this thing out. Now, evidently John is coming on here to marry you.

LAURA. Yes.

ELFIE. And you love him?

LAURA. Yes.

ELFIE. And as far as you know the moment that he comes in here it's quick to the Justice and a big matrimonial thing.

LAURA. Yes, but you see how impossible it is--

ELFIE. I don't see anything impossible. From all you've said to me about this fellow there is only one thing to do.

LAURA. One thing?

ELFIE. Yes--get married quick. You say he has the money and you have the love, and you're sick of Brockton, and you want to switch and do it in the decent, respectable, conventional way, and he's going to take you away. Haven't you got sense enough to know that, once you're married to Mr. Madison, Will Brockton wouldn't dare go to him, and if he did Madison wouldn't believe him? A man will believe a whole lot about his girl, but nothing about his wife.

LAURA. [_Turns and looks at her. There is a long pause._] Elfie [_Rises; crosses to right of table._]--I--I don't think I could do like that to John. I don't think--I could deceive him.

ELFIE. You make me sick. The thing to do is to lie to all men.

[_Rises; pushes chair to table._]--they all lie to you. Protect yourself. You seem to think that your happiness depends on this. Now do it. Listen. [_Touches_ LAURA _to make her sit down;_ LAURA _sits right of table;_ ELFIE _sits on right arm of chair left of table, with elbows on table._] Don't you realize that you and me, and all the girls that are shoved into this life, are practically the common prey of any man who happens to come along? Don't you know that they've got about as much consideration for us as they have for any pet animal around the house, and the only way that we've got it on the animal is that we've got brains? This is a game, Laura, _not a sentiment_. Do you suppose this Madison [LAURA _turns to_ ELFIE.]--now don't get sore--hasn't turned these tricks himself before he met you, and I'll gamble he's done it since! A man's natural trade is a heartbreaking business. Don't tell me about women breaking men's hearts. The only thing they can ever break is their bank roll. And besides, this is not Will's business; he has no right to interfere. You've been with him--yes, and he's been nice to you; but I don't think that he's given you any the best of it. Now if you want to leave and go your own way and marry any Tom, d.i.c.k, or Harry that you want, it's n.o.body's affair but yours.

LAURA. But you don't understand--it's John. I can't lie to him.

ELFIE. Well, that's too bad about you. I used to have that truthful habit myself, and the best I ever got was the worst of it. All this talk about love and loyalty and constancy is fine and dandy in a book, but when a girl has to look out for herself, take it from me, whenever you've got that trump card up your sleeve just play it and rake in the pot. [_Takes_ LAURA'S _hand affectionately._] You know, dearie, you're just about the only one in the world I love.

LAURA. Elfie!

ELFIE. Since I broke away from the folks up state and they've heard things, there ain't any more letters coming to me with an Oswego postmark. Ma's gone, and the rest don't care. You're all I've got in the world, Laura, and what I'm asking you to do is because I want to see you happy. I was afraid this thing was coming off, and the thing to do now is to grab your happiness, no matter how you get it nor where it comes from. There ain't a whole lot of joy in this world for you and me and the others we know, and what little you get you've got to take when you're young, because, when those gray hairs begin to come, and the make-up isn't going to hide the wrinkles, unless you're well fixed, it's going to be h.e.l.l. You know what a fellow doesn't know doesn't hurt him, and he'll love you just the same and you'll love him. As for Brockton, let him get another girl; there're plenty 'round. Why, if this chance came to me I'd tie a can to Jerry so quick that you could hear it rattle all the way down Broadway. [_Rises, crosses back of table to_ LAURA, _leans over back of chair, and puts arms around her neck very tenderly._] Dearie, promise me that you won't be a d.a.m.n fool.

[_The bell rings; both start._

LAURA. [_Rises._] Maybe that's John.

[ELFIE _brushes a tear quickly from her eye._

ELFIE. Oh! And you'll promise me, Laura?

LAURA. I'll try. [ANNIE _enters up stage from the adjoining room and crosses to the door._] If that's Mr. Madison, Annie, tell him to come in.

LAURA _stands near the table, almost rigid. Instinctively_ ELFIE _goes to the mirror and re-arranges her gown and hair as_ ANNIE _exits._ ELFIE _turns to_ LAURA.