Goodness. Part 2

So much for the aftermath of Aunt Mavis's funeral. One could hardly ignore the fact that some crucial balance had tipped. Something was wrong. Over the weeks and months that followed s.h.i.+rley became moody, difficult, aggressive, while I was simply doing everything in my power to tip that balance back, to get back to the halcyon days before that conversation. With this in mind I brought home flowers and bottles of good wine in abundance, I cut out evening working as far as was possible for someone with my responsibilities and aspirations; I cut out the karate cla.s.s I'd started going to for my back and which I was thoroughly enjoying and proving surprisingly good at. Instead I bought tickets for the opera and for orchestral concerts and ballets which I knew s.h.i.+rley liked and which I myself didn't mind.

What else? I found a stable in Totteridge where we could ride Sunday mornings for an outrageous price and rub shoulders with other young professionals like ourselves. I encouraged dinner parties, trips and acquaintances, even when I wasn't really particularly keen, even when, for example, I had my mind on the huge new programmes we were troubleshooting for Brown Boveri. I tried to get her to take an interest in some large item we could feasibly buy, a new car for example, and I brought home brochures of Cavaliers, Orions, Giuliettas and the like. That usually cheers people up. But most of all I began to suggest that if she didn't find St Elizabeth's sufficiently challenging and surely she had already stayed far longer than we ever intended she should look elsewhere for a job, try for something in publis.h.i.+ng again, or broadcasting. That had always been the plan after all. The problem as I saw it was that she wasn't fulfilled in her work. She was bored. I even suggested she might think about coming into InterAct in some capacity. I was in a position to swing that now. But s.h.i.+rley said on the contrary that she had no intention whatsoever of changing her job. What did publishers do in the end, sat in offices like everybody else, thinking of the price of paper. No, she owed to St Elizabeth's the discovery that she had a vocation for small children. She loved her children. Really, she loved their eagerness, their innocence. In fact she loved teaching in general. It was fun. She had never expected she would, but there you were. She would be dead without her job. It was the only good thing in her life.

'So,' I said, mustering what enthusiasm I could, 'why not get into a whole load of extra-curricular activities? The plays and concerts they're always asking you to do. That could be exciting. Bury yourself in it, if you like it so much.'

'You are a love,' she said. 'Such a delight.'

One Tries and Tries to be Sensitive Another thing I had to put up with these days were the frequent visits from s.h.i.+rley's mother.

Mrs Harcourt was a busy, bossy, bustling woman, exhibiting all the character traits of the wife who gives up career for family and is then left stranded when the fledgelings fly the nest (an object lesson for s.h.i.+rley if only she'd had eyes to see it). She spent an inordinate amount of time on her personal appearance (hair-do's, sauna, ma.s.sage), and had taken up photography as a hobby to fill in the becalmed oceans of time between one social function and the next. She always had her camera bag when she came to visit and at some point or other would always pull out a Nikon and take her gla.s.ses off to squint through its expensive auto-focusing lens at some unlikely subject, in fact the more unlikely the better, to show what an eye she had, how she saw 'the unusual in the usual', as she put it.

She squinted through the lens, maybe at a mess of saucepans inside one of our cluttered cupboards, maybe at soap suds being sucked into the drain, at a coffee mug balanced on the arm of the sofa, but as far as I remember she never clicked the shutter in our house and certainly never showed us any of the results if she did. Perhaps not even she could find anything sufficiently unusual, we are such regular people. She had put on two small shows at the local library in Chiswick, one depicting, from de rigueur unlikely angles, various stages of slaughter in a poultry abattoir off the Goldhawk Road, a comment on man's barbarity to the chicken apparently, the other featuring pieces of flotsam and jetsam washed up on the mudbanks opposite the family's Strand-on-the-Green house, clammy with slime and generally unrecognisable. The glaring gratuitousness of these enterprises was one of the few things s.h.i.+rley and I were still capable of laughing about together.

Otherwise, Mrs Harcourt was a signed-up, card-carrying member of the newly formed SDP, as perhaps only an already wealthy unemployed person could afford to be. Her small head came surprisingly forward from her body and when she spoke, her crisp elocution set a fierce mole above one corner of her mouth in undulating motion. Perhaps this accounted for the immediate impression of pus.h.i.+ness she communicated.

She would come over in her Metro Deluxe, maybe three, four times a week, shortly after s.h.i.+rley got back from school. When I arrived home a couple of hours later I wasn't invited to join in whatever discussion was under way. Often they sat together in the kitchen or even the bedroom to make it clear they wanted to be on their own. Once I heard crying. More often there were loud peals of haw-hawing women's laughter, Mrs Harcourt gasping for breath, probably holding her sides the way older women will, shrieks of 'Oh dear, oh dear', s.h.i.+rley no doubt tossing her hair back, glistening pink mouth wide open, the gesture that had most enchanted me when first I met her.

'So what do you find to talk about?' I might ask later.

'Oh, this and that.'

'Come on, she's here every other evening. There must be something.'

'About Dad, about Charles. She's worried that he never seems to have any girlfriends. You know.'

'I'd be worried for the girl if he did.'

'Then he was arrested last week in some anti-Cruise march.'

'He likes to be arrested, it reinforces his council flat credentials. ' And off the cuff I asked: 'What's the score with your dad these days anyway? We haven't seen him for donkeys.'

s.h.i.+rley said: 'What a lemon this cooker is. For G.o.d's sake! You can never be sure what the temperature is. It doesn't matter how you set it. Either the stuff comes out like charcoal or everything's raw in the middle.'

'And me?' I asked with what I hoped was a wry smile.

'What?'

'Don't you talk about little old George?'

'Aren't we insecure?' she laughed. She said: 'Of course we talk about you sometimes. It'd be odd if we didn't. Wouldn't it?'

'Would it?'

''I think so.'

'Okay. And what do you say?'

'Oh, that you don't deserve me.' She stabbed a fork into some ca.s.serole meat and smiled sweetly.

'Tell me more.'

'Mmm, let me see, that your background's made you a repressed hypocrite.'

'Ah, of course, that. Examples?'

'Though naturally we always agree that deep down you're a kind, honest man and you'll probably turn out good in the end.'

'Naturally.'

But I think I can tell a knife when it's out. And turning.

I suggested that we try to get away more often if she felt so down. An occasional weekend in Paris; we could afford it now. We were averagely well-off young people, even if we might have done better to save. Or I could even take a week off at Easter. Maybe we could go to Spain, Italy. Or a few days riding somewhere. She said she didn't want to go away for a weekend, let alone for Easter. She didn't even want to go away in the summer. We were planning to drive down to Turkey that year, seeing as everybody else seemed to be going to Greece. Now she didn't want to go. I could go on my own. I said, no, I could not go on my own. What was the point? 'Why not?' she said. 'In your head you live entirely on your own all the time.'

One tries and tries to be sensitive. I said that if she felt really depressed and unhappy maybe, just maybe, she should see somebody, er, get help, I don't know, a psychoa.n.a.lyst or something. She said: 'Do me a favour, sweetheart, please.' And she said: 'This flat is impossible, really impossible, you know that? Not a single window that gets the sun, the carpets are the worst dust traps imaginable, the drains stink, the cupboard doors don't close, the hot water's never hot enough, the pipes groan, the oven's useless, the paint is nearly grey, and you can never do anything about it because the landlady doesn't want to pay for it. I mean, what are we doing here?'

I felt she was rather exaggerating. Still, at least this was something I could deal with. I suggested that if it was the flat that was depressing her, though she could never say I didn't help with the cleaning and so on, then why didn't we buy our own place now instead of waiting.

'With whose money?' She was aggressive. I said she knew perfectly well with whose money. A bit of our own and a great deal of her father's. Surely it was tacitly understood that when we were ready, he'd help us to buy. She said buying our flat wouldn't solve anything. The flat was awful, but it wasn't that that was getting her down. I said I didn't know what else to suggest, it seemed to be me making all the suggestions and then her promptly telling me I was stupid every time I opened my mouth. I couldn't understand why we couldn't be happy.

'Don't suggest anything,' she said. 'And above all, stop buying me flowers as if I were dying or something.'

Carrying the Gloomy Can My mother came over. I think for my birthday. Mother is a great celebrator of birthdays, even when everybody else has forgotten them. She even remembers Hilary's. It's a ritual for her, a slavery almost, like the moral code she blindly follows, the t.i.the of her income in the collection plate, the sense of duty toward Grandfather, the not marrying a man because he'd got divorced a decade before.

She remembered my birthday and brought the traditional, home-baked, lemon-iced birthday cake, arriving at the door after two long bus rides all bright and chirrupy, because of course Mother is never more cheerful than when she knows she's fulfilling some family duty. I thanked her and kissed her. I was even glad she'd come as I felt it might take some of the tension out of the air. But hardly have we sat down to eat our cake than s.h.i.+rley is asking: 'Saved any souls lately, Mrs Crawley?'

It was deliberately hurtful. She had the innocent smile on her face she always combines with her worst sarcasm. My Mother very simply said: 'It's not me saves souls, lovey, it's G.o.d,' and she began to tell us all about Peggy's darling little boy Frederick. He was so big and blond, he had all his milk teeth already, he was such a gorgeous cuddly little boy. Her big clumsy hands ma.s.sacred the cake with the flat's blunt breadknife. 'For you, George?'

s.h.i.+rley asked: ''I imagine Peg's planning another one now?'

Naturally, given the still dubious paternity of the first, this had Mother knitting her brow. But she managed a forgiving laugh: 'Oh, I wouldn't know, Peggy never tells me anything.'

'Vetting possible fathers, perhaps,' s.h.i.+rley suggested. 'She's into Buddhism these days, isn't she? Perhaps we'll have a Chinese in the family.'

When we were on our own a moment in the kitchen I asked her what the h.e.l.l she thought she was up to. Why couldn't we just have a pleasant meal together?

'I hate,' she said, 'the way you're such a goody goody when your mother comes, the way she thinks the sun s.h.i.+nes out of your backside. If she knew what you were really like.'

'And what am I like?' I asked.

'You hardly need me to tell you that,' she said.

'You were the one, sweetheart,' I told her, 'said you wouldn't mind her coming to live here with us.'

'Precisely because,' she replied, 'she might finally be forced to see the light. We might clear the air.'

'I swear in front of her,' I said, 'I don't try to hide anything.'

At which, and I'm afraid this is very effective, she simply burst out laughing and walked back into the living room.

Driving Mother home to Acton, I said: 'Sorry if s.h.i.+rl was a bit abrasive, Mum.'

'Was she, love? I didn't notice.'

'I don't know, she seems a bit, er, frustrated these days. I don't know what it is.'

'We all go through our bad patches, poor dear,' Mother said complacently. Then waiting for the lights at the A40, she hazarded: 'I know it's none of my business, but perhaps it's time to start a family. She did tell me she'd like a baby a while back.'

When I said nothing, watching for green I had the usual ha.s.sler trying to edge past me on the inside, something I never allow she said: 'I always feel there's a time in everybody's lives when it's just the next logical step to take, the only way to grow.'

I laughed, putting my foot down hard. I love driving. I said, 'You forget, Mum. I specialise in logical steps, it's my job, and I can a.s.sure you it wouldn't be. s.h.i.+rley's is just a straightforward case of boredom. That's the problem. Have a baby and she'd be even more bored. She'd always be trying to dump it on babysitters and relatives.'

Mother said brightly: 'Well you know you can count on me, love. I have ever so much fun looking after Frederick.'

With a sense that events were in danger of getting beyond my control, I rang up s.h.i.+rley's father the following week and began a very, but very careful spiel I'd prepared in every detail: about s.h.i.+rley being depressed because of the miserable flat we'd been in too long, about the landlady never wanting to decorate or replace anything, about the rental market being so hopeless these days with the ludicrously pro-tenant rules the Labour government had introduced and Margaret hadn't as yet got round to repealing, about the price of property being so high it was unimaginable for two young people to buy a decent place on their own and I asked him was there any chance, now I'd put a bit of money together myself, because I was saving about thirty per cent of my income was there any chance that he could maybe chip in, rather ma.s.sively actually, and . . .

He said: 'Not till I'm sure just how the settlement's going to go with Mary, I'm afraid.'

It was lunchtime and when I'd got the phone down I looked at the world map on the wall where tiny flags showed all the countries where my software was being used. From Panama to Portugal, it said on the brochure, Austria to Australia. Why is it, I wondered, that I am always to be excluded from the intimate affairs of the lives of people close to me? Why? Why do they keep me out? I was hurt, angry.

'But why should you need to be told?' s.h.i.+rley retorted.

'Because we're married for Christ's sake! Because we're supposed to be sharing our lives. You complain I don't understand you and then you don't tell me what I need to know to have a chance. Obviously it's been upsetting you. It explains everything. And I've been faffing about in the dark for months.'

She said perhaps I was right. Yes, probably I was right. But she just hadn't felt like telling me. She hadn't the heart to talk about it. It was so awful. Her parents had been such a fixed point in her life, she'd never even realised really.

She was on the brink of tears, and for once I was allowed to console her.

But over the next months, though it seemed impossible, and above all unnecessary, the tension heightened. s.h.i.+rley would be sullen and moody on my arrival home and almost anything I said would cause a flare up. I might innocently ask what was for dinner and abruptly be told I could b.l.o.o.d.y well get my dinner myself. I might, despite office weariness, traffic weariness, a briefcase full of work, offer to go to the Indian shop, pick up some goodies, and immediately have to hear that since I was no good at doing the shopping and always brought home the wrong things there was no point in my going, was there?

Of course, from what one gathers from magazine articles, TV doc.u.mentaries, radio plays while was.h.i.+ng the car, etc., it did occur to me that s.h.i.+rl might be suffering from some sort of physical/mental illness, or even stress, and that perhaps I should be feeling sorry for her, rather than the opposite. This I honestly tried to do. But then I also thought that if she was p.r.o.ne to suffering from, say, clinical depression (though she never had so suffered in the seven previous years I'd known her), then I personally didn't want to be the one who carried the gloomy can for the rest of my life, did I? It was a serious problem.

I stroked the wispy hair at the fine nape of her neck as she sat on the floor, back to the sofa, watching TV. She shook my hand off.

Or at least scenes like this occurred. Why couldn't we be cheerful?

I said: 'Fancy a pint down the Torrington? Bound to meet somebody.'

She didn't reply.

'Bit of a tipple, pinch your nipple.'

Nothing. No response.

I phoned her brother Charles, met him in a pub in Kentish Town and over a couple of jars asked him what he thought. Had s.h.i.+rley ever suffered from depression as a child? He smoked heavily from my pack of Rothmans, playing a fifty-p piece across pale knuckles. He said s.h.i.+rley had always been the parents' favourite, they had always given her everything ponies, dance cla.s.ses, skiing holidays while he had largely been ignored and then generally made fun of when he tried to point out the social injustice their lifestyle implied. He had given the Filipino maid a wad of notes from Father's wallet once, though, intimidated and conditioned as the girl was, she had handed them straight back to Mother, after which his father had given him a thorough beating. That was the kind of family it had been. The difference being that while he rebelled, s.h.i.+rley had lapped it up, and what she was reaping now was precisely the fruit of her mindless and selfish upbringing, the ennui of the directionless bourgeoisie. She needed a cause, a sense of purpose. He himself was on a local committee which tried to ensure that eligible people got rehoused. He had been instrumental in saving a number of squats which had been under threat from eviction. He was never depressed at all. With all the suffering there was in the world, he said, it was so d.a.m.n obvious what one should do with one's life that he couldn't understand people lounging around moping.

It didn't seem worthwhile arguing with someone whose views were so far beyond the pale, so I drank up, paid and got out. Though that evening, just for the record, as it were, I did suggest to s.h.i.+rley that she might get involved in one of those groups that provides free creches for working-cla.s.s mothers.

'Please,' she said, chopping lemon, 'are you out of your mind? Or do you want to turn me into your mother or something?'

So finally I put it to her. Could it really all be simply because she wanted a child?

Could all what be?

Her being so depressed and unfriendly (not to mention obtuse).

'Oh that. Just a phase,' she said, breezing about with saucepans. She kissed me on the side of the neck as I tucked into chops.

'So it's not that you want a baby?' I often do wish, with s.h.i.+rley, that I had my dictaphone in my pocket.

She shook her head rather exaggeratedly, refusing to take me seriously. I was patient.

'No, because I mean if it is that, I mean, if you really want children,' I took a deep breath, 'then seeing as I don't, I don't know why, but I really don't, I feel complete and happy without them, then I think the best thing to do would be for us to split up so that you'll be in plenty of time to find another man and we can stop making life a misery for each other. Which seems a crime frankly. I mean,' I hurried on, talking at her back now as she sloshed water in the pans s.h.i.+rley always seems to be doing something with pans 'I personally don't want us to split up, at all, I really don't, I just want us to be happy together. I've said it a thousand times. However, if you . . .'

The saucepans are the new, slow cooking, heavy metal kind, and cost a good month's salary. Though I'll give her they're stylish. I never objected to such purchases. On the contrary, I encouraged anything that would make her happy. I was always so relieved when there was something she actually wanted.

But now at last she turned. She stood with her backside hitched up against the draining board, her fingers gripped to its edge. She was wearing glossy blue running shorts. She looked at me and looked at me and at last after all these months she burst into tears. She wept and suddenly crouched down over pitted red-and-black chequered lino. She said of course she didn't want us to split up. How could I even imagine such a thing? And she was sorry if she was being unpleasant and b.l.o.o.d.y-minded. She didn't even know why she was like this herself. But she felt so upset about so many things. Honestly. And she burst into tears again.

Tears, I must say, have a quite overwhelming, even disabling effect on me. I have never been able to resist them. I had been unable to resist my mother's as a child and I was unable to resist s.h.i.+rley's now. Hence at this point I gave up any attempt to follow the argument through to some sensible conclusion and hurried from the table to go and comfort her. We cuddled, she cried, I whispered softly, we kissed, looked into each other's red eyes, confessed, forgave, kissed again and eventually, arriving somehow in the bedroom, made love, with me foolishly, if not unnaturally, hoping the tide had turned.

There followed a very happy two weeks of perfect reconciliation, relaxation, fun. So, yes, it was still possible. Everything was hunky-dory. Turkey was on. We bought our ferry tickets, got the car serviced. We were going to have a great time. Life was great. And then it began all over again: arguments, sulking, general b.i.t.c.hiness. Turkey off. Not only Turkey, but any other holidays I might be planning too. Okay? When I reminded her of all she'd said that evening, all she'd conceded, she either refused to acknowledge that such a scene had ever taken place, or she'd try some bright sardonic line like: 'All under duress, Your Honour, under duress. My lawyer wasn't present. I retract everything.' Or she'd throw back her head, laughing, and say, 'Oh George, I do love the way you always, always believe you're right. You're a phenomenon.'

I spoke to no one about this. Every morning I went into work, joked with Tony, my a.s.sistant programmer, flirted mildly with the secretaries, Joyce and Sandra, reported to Johnson and Will Peac.o.c.k, wined and dined clients, made rude jokey propositions down the phone to switchboard. No doubt you can picture it, the average stale-tobacco, fluorescent-lit office life, with all the little formalities and pleasantries and gallantries, the way you live and brush up against people and talk behind each others' backs and generally get on famously.

I spoke to no one. Probably it was the same for s.h.i.+rley. Jolly and lively at work, glum and offhand at home. As if we were only our real selves of old when we arrived in the safe environment of the office, the school. If other people came, Mark and Sylvia, determined to be neighbourly (had we noticed the lock didn't engage on the front door, and what about the state of the lawn?), forcing their way in with a few cans of Whitbread's or a tin of chewy flapjacks, we put on a great front. s.h.i.+rley was almost too dazzling, I drank heavily, but as soon as they were gone, we slumped. The television. A newspaper. Separate bedtimes.

And it was on one of these evenings, as I remember it, that my heart hardened. I use that Biblical expression because at last after a childhood of Bible studies I understood what it meant: a deliberate, quite conscious shutting oneself off from the tenderer emotions. My heart hardened. I'd had enough.

This is What I Should Have Gone For Grandfather had become entirely incontinent. I had my suspicions frankly that the old NHS had rather c.o.c.ked up the prostectomy, maybe whipped out something they shouldn't have, bit of sphincter or something, but as s.h.i.+rley said, you'd never get to the bottom of it. Nor was Grandfather likely to generate much sympathy in tabloid newspapers or even a court of law were one to try for some compensation. Instinctively people would see he deserved it. So I spent a little time every morning checking out the geriatric home situation. I gave exactly fifteen minutes, ten thirty to ten forty-five, to phoning up all the various bodies concerned. I felt in this way I'd be informed and prepared when the crunch came and wouldn't have to lose a whole week finding out the score right at some critical moment when I had a new project on my hands or something.

The problem, my enquiries revealed, was that the old man wasn't suffering from senile dementia. Had he been suffering from senile dementia and hence truly in danger of doing damage to himself, accidentally putting the electric kettle on the gas, or setting his jacket on fire when lighting his pipe, then they would have taken him in (though with something like that on the cards one couldn't help feeling it might have been worth hanging on to him for a while). Otherwise, they encouraged home care, and given that the social worker had reported my mother as being 'valiant and willing, if a little overprotective', they were of the opinion he should remain in Gorst Road.

Well, with property prices rising sharply again, I felt on reflection that this solution suited me for the moment too. Hang on a few years, then get a whole bundle of money for the house, enough not just to pay for Grandfather's home but to leave something to spare for setting up Mother in a small place of her own as well. That way we wouldn't be forced to take her in ourselves.

Until two things happened in the same week. Grandfather fell down the stairs and bust his hip, and Mother, who now had to wash him and change him like a baby at all hours of the day and night, came down with some sort of virus that completely floored her. She phoned me feebly at 7 a.m., having waited of course until the third day of this illness before 'bothering me'.

I drove over in excruciating traffic to the banana republic of Hackney, aiming to winkle out the ever phoneless Peggy and take her over to Park Royal to help out. In the event, however, the gipsy painted third-floor door of her bedsit was answered, not by my sister, but by a rather stout Indian woman, the kind with a beachball of brown belly showing through gaudy drapes and a neat red bullet-hole in her forehead. She was holding the lardy and wriggling young Frederick, while her own (presumably) two small girls peeped duskily from behind her sari beyond which, a backdrop of carelessness and charity-shop makes.h.i.+ft. I noticed a saucepan on the carpet, for example, a newspaper torn to shreds.

Peggy had a job, the woman said. Where, doing what, how could I get there? She didn't know. Which again is typical of Peggy. She gets a babysitter and then doesn't bother to explain how she can be contacted. What was the woman supposed to do if the child fell ill, if there was an emergency? But Peggy always imagines all will go well. This was what she had taken over from our childhood religion I suppose: faith. Well may it serve her. Still it was good to think there was another income in the family.

I drove over to Gorst Road, another hour simply tossed into the maw of the capital's time-gobbling traffic system, and had to wait a further five minutes for Mother to drag herself down to the front door, since I'd forgotten my own keys. She was quite ashen and complaining, very unusually for her, of crippling stomach pains. Had she seen a doctor? No she hadn't and didn't want to. It was just a bug. But she must go and see her doctor. For heaven's sake! She wouldn't. But . . . She wouldn't. She hated doctors. G.o.d would take her in his own good time. My mother actually said that. I hugged her all the same and half carried her in her nightie to the sofa; then went up to see Grandfather; the stink on the landing, however, told me more than I needed to know and I went back downstairs.

Mother had now stretched out on the couch. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered. 'And the social services, for Grandfather, have you been in touch?' Apparently a social worker would come in the next couple of days. 'So we should take him to hospital. Immediately. Where they can look after him.' But he didn't want to go to hospital, she said. He refused. He'd shout and scream if you tried. 'I'm sorry,' she said again. She closed her eyes and sighed, holding her stomach. I thought: 'Incredibly, these two people are my responsibility. This is my family. And I'm supposed to be meeting my contact from Tektronics for an early lunch.' I asked: 'Isn't there anybody from the church could help?' She shook her head. There was, but they were on holiday.

For a moment I stood helpless in the dark cave of my childhood sitting room, trapped again: the photographs, the Wedgewood, the dusty naivete of the Hummels, the sullen rhododendrons outside the window, and, blending it all together, an all-pervading sense, which was also a smell, of brown. Somehow the place stank of brown. There I stood. Until the obvious occurred. There is nothing you can't pay your way out of. And even though it was going to be expensive, I moved to the phone.

That evening I finished work as early as I could and drove to Gorst Road for about seven to check that all was well and we were getting our money's worth. The nurse was tall and pleasantly bulky, her hair done up in a bun on a long thick neck, one of those women who carry weight well, moving about with a crisp rustle of uniform and tights faintly chafing together between strong legs. In her early thirties, I guessed, efficient, a.s.sured, getting through. 'Will do, Mr Crawley,' she said in response to some request or other, and I told her to call me George.

Upstairs I found Mother asleep in her green nylon sheets (s.h.i.+rley would wince just at the thought) and the pa.s.sageway beyond now smelling almost sweetly. I looked in on Grandfather to find him sitting up with the Express. Every piece of clothing, towel, dressing-gown, string vest, was neatly, femininely folded. Even the old man's still black, rather fierce hair was combed flat, his cheeks shaved. He looked surprisingly virile, as if he might spring up into action at any moment. I smiled. 'Had to get a nurse in,' I said. 'Bit expensivo, but there you go.' He looked at me quizzically. 'Good day at the office?'