Rhymes of the East and Re-collected Verses Part 4

By prompt and ready cash alone Their wrath shall be appeased Who pile it on like G.o.ds, and own, Like men, to being pleased.

THE WOOIN' O' TUMMAS

_After R. B._

Tummas Katt cam' roun' to woo, Ha, ha, the wooin' o't; Lichtly sang ta lang nicht thro', Ha, ha, the mewin' o't; Tabbie, winsome, tim'rous beast, Speakit: 'Tummas, hand tha' weist!

Girt auld Tummas 'gan inseest; Ha, ha, the doin' o't!

Tabbie laucht, an' brawly fleired, Ha, ha, the fleirin' o't; Tummas,--ech! but Tummas speired Ha, ha, the speirin' o't; Sic an awesome, fearfu' screep, Wakin' a' aroun' frae sleep; Fegs, it gar'd the Gudeman weep!

Ha, ha, the hearin' o't!

Quoth the Gudeman: 'Dairm his een!'

Ha, ha, the swearin' o't; 'Muckle fasht was I yestreen, A' thro' the bearin' o't!

Ere the sonsie moon was bricht, Clean awa' till mornin' licht, Mickle sleep was mine the nicht; Ha, ha, the wearin' o't!'

'Where are noo ma booties twa?

Ha, ha, the stoppin' o't; 'Tis mysel' shall gar him fa'; Ha, ha, the coppin' o't!

'Gin a bootie, strang an' stoot, Sneckit Tummas roun' ta snoot, Winna Tummas gang frae oot?

Ha, ha, the droppin' o't!'

Swuft the pawky booties came, Ha, ha, the flittin' o't: Tummas scraught, an' lit for hame, Ha, ha, the spittin' o't; Lauchit Tabbs to see him fa'; Leapit frae ta gairden wa'; Quoth the Gudeman: 'Dairm it a'!

What price the hittin' o't?'

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

Christmas comes but once a year.

Though by nature snappy, Let us, as we may, appear Merry, friend, and happy!

Buckle to; and when you meet your Thunderstricken fellow-creature, Show the broad, indulgent smile Of th' ingenuous crocodile!

Look as if you'd backed a winner!

Laugh, you miserable sinner!

Brother, Christmas Day has come.

Can't you seek for inspi- ration in the turkey, plum- pudding, beef, and mince-pie?

Brave it out, and tho' you sit on Tenterhooks, remain a Briton; You can only do your best; Boxing Day's a day of rest!

Throw aside your small digestive Eccentricities. Be festive!

Christmas Day is on the wing.

Are you feeling wroth with Any one for anything?

Beg his pardon _forth_with!

Though the right is all on _your_ side, Say it isn't; say 'Of course I'd No intention--very rude-- Shocking taste--but misconstrued'-- Then (while I admit it's horri- fying) tell the man you're sorry!

Christmas Day will soon have flown.

If, despite persuasion, You resolve to be alone On the glad occasion, Better (do as I have done!) Vanish with a scatter-gun; If you have to see it through, (Better do what I shall do!) Dining quietly at the Club'll Save us from a world of trouble!

'KAL!'

(=TO-MORROW)

['Never do To-day what can be postponed till To-morrow, save at the dictates of your personal convenience.'--_Maxims of the Wicked_, No. 3.]

Sweet Word, by whose unwearying a.s.sistance We of the Ruling Race, when sorely tried, Can keep intrusive persons at a distance, And let unseasonable matters slide; Thou at whose blast the powers of irritation Yield to a soft and gentlemanly lull Of solid peace and flat Procrastination, These to thy praise and honour, good old Kal!

For we are greatly plagued by sacrilegious Monsters in human form, who care for naught Save with incessant papers to besiege us, E'en to the solemn hour of silent thought; They draw no line; the frightful joy of giving Pain is their guerdon; but for Thee alone, Life would be hardly worth the bore of living, No one could call his very soul his own.

But in thy Name th' importunate besetter Meets a repelling force that none can stem; Varlets may come (they do) and go (they'd better!), Kal is the word that always does for them!

_To-morrow_ they may join the usual muster; To-day shall pa.s.s inviolably by; BEELZEBUB Himself, for all his bl.u.s.ter, Would get the same old sickening reply.

And, for thine aid in baffling the malignant, Who, with unholy art, conspire to see Our ease dis-eased, our dignity indignant, We do Thee homage on the bended knee.

And I would add a word of common grat.i.tude To those thy coadjutors, _ao_ and _lao_,[3]

Who take, with Thee, th' uncompromising att.i.tude From which the dullest mind deduces _jao_.

[Footnote 3: _Kal-ao_='return to-morrow'; _kal-lao_='bring it back to-morrow.' Each of these phrases is the euphemistic equivalent of _jao_, that is, 'go away, (and stay there).']

TO AN ELEPHANT

ON HIS TONIC QUALITIES

Solace of mine hours of anguish, Peace-imparting View, when I, Sick of Hindo-Sturm-und-Drang, wish I could lay me down and die,

Very present help in trouble, Never-failing anodyne For the blows that knock us double, Here's towards thee, Hathi mine!

As, 'tis said, the dolorous Jack Tar Turns to view the watery Vast, When he mourns his frail charac-tar, Or deplores his jagged Past,

Climbs a cliff, and breathes his sighs on That appalling breast until, Borne from off the far horizon, Voices whisper, 'Cheer up, Bill!'

So when evil chance or dark as- persions crush the bosom's lord, When discomfort rends the car-ca.s.s, When we're sorry, sick, or bored,

When the year is at its hottest, And our life with sorrow crowned, Gazing thee-wards, where thou blottest Out the landscape, pulls us round,

Gives us peace, some nameless modi- c.u.m of cheer to mind and eye: Something that can soothe a body Like a blessed lullaby.

Sweet it is to watch thee, Hathi, Through the stertorous afternoons, Wond'ring why so stout a party Wears such baggy pantaloons: