The Monikins Part 19

"All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the young monikins, with a very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular--"but what would be even a lawmaker--to say nothing of law-BREAKERS like ourselves--among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere t.i.tle, or a profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but that the prodigy of a village may be a very common monikin in town."

"Poh-poh"--interrupted Lord Chatterino, "thou art ever for refining, Hightail--Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the island of--a--a--a--what do you call that said island of yours, Goldencalf?--a--a--"

"Great Britain, my lord."

"Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person--I can take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable person in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the island himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?"

"Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few scattered manors here and there."

"Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt--then you have money at use?"

"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes Hightail.

"No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain."

"Exquisite, that, egad! A n.o.ble's fortune in the custody of the realm of a--Greek--a--"

"Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, notwithstanding he swore he was excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some forbearance to keep from joining in the general laugh. "It is a very respectable country, I do protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted better gooseberries than they grow in that very island."

"What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?"

"Certainly--after a fas.h.i.+on--and houses, and public conveyances--and even universities."

"You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!"

"Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. I really can't take it upon myself to say that they have a system."

"Oh, yes, my lord--of a certainty we have one--the social stake system."

"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy c.o.xcomb Hightail, "if he himself, now, has any income."

"How is it, Sir John--have you an income?"

"Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a year."

"Of what?--of what?" demanded two or three voices, with well-bred, subdued eagerness.

"Of sovereigns--why that means kings!"

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all their official acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person and character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest veneration; just as we men express admiration for a virtue that we never practise. My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation, and I was soon required to explain myself. This I did, by simply stating the truth.

"Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!" exclaimed three or four, laughing heartily. "Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold!

Harkee, Signior--a--a--Boldercraft, have you no currency in 'promises'?"

"I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question."

"Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a state of simplicity and nature,"--there was irony in every syllable the impudent scoundrel uttered--"we poor wretches, or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, having, as you perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency into 'promises.' Now, I would ask if you have any of that coin?"

"Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty."

"He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency of 'promises'?"

"As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is, sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish."

"Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear his answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the thing's habits, be our interpreter."

"The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our ancestors, having reached that pa.s.s in civilization when they came to dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary to subst.i.tute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a lighter subst.i.tute. Laws were pa.s.sed giving value to linen and cotton, in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, written on, and reduced in bulk, until, having pa.s.sed through the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly established, the system was perfected by a coup de main,--'promises' in words were subst.i.tuted for all other coin. You see the advantage at a glance.

A monikin can travel without pockets or baggage, and still carry a million; the money cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen or burned."

"But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?"

"Just the contrary;--an acre that formerly could be bought for one promise, would now bring a thousand."

"This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures--"

"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the law was pa.s.sed making promises a legal tender."

"I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at home!"

"So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!" And then there was another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of national humility.

"As they have universities," cried another c.o.xcomb, "perhaps this person has attended one of them."

"Indeed, sir," I answered, "I am regularly graduated."

"It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge--for, though my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest sign of a cauda about him."

"Ah!" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, "the inhabitants of Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads."

"Their heads!"

"Heads!"

"That's excellent, by his majesty's prerogative! Here's civilization, with a vengeance!"

I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried out that I actually wore clothes.

"Clothes--the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear clothes?"

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there arose such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peac.o.c.ks, when they discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature could endure no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino, very hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the tavern.

"Don't forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you sail," cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding in quite a friendly way towards me.

"King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. "That blackguard ate a whole bread-locker-full of nuts on our outward pa.s.sage, and now he tells us to step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!"

I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. It was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed species; they thought more of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain by comparing the smallness of the latter with the length and development of the seat of reason; and one of his experience should know that good-breeding is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to our own previous practices.

"I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material difference in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tun."