The Monikins Part 28

"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has given me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for being led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic the rest of her days."

"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing needful for a man in your extremity."

"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I repent ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment, have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun; and they are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be pardoned on the spot."

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him. This reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his fate.

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the tail was actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution in the case of "Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, "that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or limb, while it can be established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my lords, of common law--but being common sense and common monikinity, it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment. I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute the law of the case--"

"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff.

"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versus the same. Process had been issued from the bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not liable to the punishments of life or limb."

"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession of the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--"

"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not admit of three months' delay."

"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either usual, agreeable, or expedient."

"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually been separated from his body--"

"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before we adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another sitting."

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown into Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process of decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept his countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:

"Regina versus Noah Poke."

"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day of the Moon.} appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King's Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent, was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his body.

"--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc."

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, which existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court to take my deposition to its truth.

"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?"

"I do."

Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself, and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper used by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on one of the arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the names and t.i.tle of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, very naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the following decision:

"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considered non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security to keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life."

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter into the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the same time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to answer to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in order to congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his success, which he a.s.sured me was not a little to the credit of his own education.

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to his account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted to do so like a man, referring to the fort.i.tude with which he had borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with having a memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the repet.i.tion of his offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on sh.o.r.e, believing he should be less in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than among the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments, but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly; he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and he had a thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it would be awkward to lay down the t.i.tle of lord high admiral, but it was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fas.h.i.+on, he could do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun, should the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in the place who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost; that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood bobs were in fas.h.i.+on, and he admitted that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, unless he could look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the s.h.i.+p should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc.

Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast Jacks in a well-victualled s.h.i.+p, than the king of Leaphigh upon nuts.

The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him, than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for the able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, at the same time, some well-merited compliments to the ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence.

"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir John,"

returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings. "We did as well as circ.u.mstances would allow; though our whole defence would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. As for the principles and forms of the monikin law--for in these particulars Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you have seen them displayed in these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear examination."

CHAPTER XXII. A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--A CALCULATION--A s.h.i.+PMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN a.s.sORTMENT.

I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess, I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper place in society. I was the more incited to make the change by the representations of the brigadier, who a.s.sured me that it was sufficient to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a n.o.bleman in Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill-treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. After talking over the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our pa.s.sports, and to offer, at the same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's Friend might have prepared for his government--it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to these G.o.dsends in carrying on their diplomatic correspondence.

We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut, certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night at court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to see us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention to sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked a pa.s.sage for himself, with republican simplicity.

There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said, and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, although everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect republican propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly how, but SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If I could give him a pa.s.sage, therefore, he would esteem it a great personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circ.u.mstance would be well received by the party. Although I did not very well understand what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so kindly, I very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately occupied by my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor. It might be within half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend begged I would have the goodness to wait until he could hunt up a charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptory never to leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he would just brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in five minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The judge must have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not know but he should have a quarrel or two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one who could get nothing else to do, and he pinned him on the spot.

So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fas.h.i.+on that was inexorably proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day wear, and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended subst.i.tute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to an amputation, or he could not possibly confer the appointment, queues being proscribed at home by both public opinions, the horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected, that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he had seen his excellency himself going to court with a singularly apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and from sundry other little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act on the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this the judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in all things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience, how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda; but that tails were essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he would; and if it were known that a public charge offended in this particular, although he might be momentarily protected by one of the public opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal oftener than was either profitable or convenient.

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade; which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case with a great many of that eminently original people, when they got without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He told us this was exactly what he could most have wished for. "Here is a bob," said he, "for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for his majesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, more especially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy." Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge made out the letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give his subst.i.tute the usual instructions.

"You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care not to offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute, you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be so particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, abandon republicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing that it can easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may happen to be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of possessing that quality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home, take especial heed to eschew vulgarity--if you can. You will have the greatest care, also, to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail in all your public relations, this being one of the most important of the celebrated checks and balances of our government. Our inst.i.tutions being expressly formed by the ma.s.s, for the particular benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in order to effect that object with your own single-minded and right-loving countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life on it, both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is nothing on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference which they pay to foreign public opinions--and this the more especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to be in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or one who can state things in your own way, who is already half paid for his services, and who will not be likely to make blunders by meddling with distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found, let him drop a line now and then in favor of your own sagacity and patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me, it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more readily.

In order to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the only qualification of citizens.h.i.+p in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then proceed to p.r.o.nounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your country and its inst.i.tutions, and satisfying yourself with saying that the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you should say this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it will be particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy.

You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive on the point of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend them; but this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating, for our polity being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen the high character that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies, which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects of diplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and, above all, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign interests in this part of the world."

Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then said--

"That he would now go to court to present his subst.i.tute, and to take leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, and detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, to protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize he might draw in the next turn of the little wheel!"

We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in their stead.

The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the s.h.i.+p was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to the notice of these two worthies.

"It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced the captain, "to neglect an occasion like this to turn a penny. The s.h.i.+p could carry ten thousand immigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise you, as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay port-charges with, to say the least."

"The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of the state of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult some inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience and judgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has to say about it."

"I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the brigadier; "but, as a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions."

"Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I inquired of the broker.

"Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities--from the very lowest to the very 'ighest prices--those that may be had for next to nothing, to those that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them ready packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each other; and a s.h.i.+p of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, provided they were properly a.s.sorted, to carry all before them for the season."

Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into an adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots of the manufactures in question. I pa.s.sed along the shelves, reading the inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several bundles that had "Opinions on Free Trade" written on their labels, I asked the brigadier what he thought of that article.

"Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand for them now."

"You are quite right, sir," added the broker; "we did send large invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly bought up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over again, and sold as of 'ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are now s.h.i.+pped for Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain value."

"'Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General': I should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?"

"Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powers on 'em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to Leaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I never could say, seeing they are all government monikins in that queer country."