The Monikins Part 32

"NOAH POKE,"

"the experienced navigator, who will conduct the s.h.i.+p of state into the haven of prosperity--the practical astronomer who knows by frequent observations, that lunars are not to be got in the dark."

"Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!"

After this I fell in with--

"THE HONORABLE ROBERT s.m.u.t,"

"is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico-Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I afterwards found this was a common phrase in Leaplow, being uniformly applied to every monikin who wore spectacles.] an enlightened politician, and a sound Democrat."

"But I should fill the ma.n.u.script with nothing else, were I to record a t.i.the of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A single sample of the latter will suffice."

"AFFIDAVIT."

"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace, Peter Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven illegitimate children, is moreover a bankrupt without character, and that he was obliged to emigrate in consequence of having stolen a sheep."

"Sworn, etc."

"(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS."

I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and was about to call upon the first pa.s.ser-by for the address of Mr. Veracious, when the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the Horizontal nominating committee, and I was covered with congratulations on my being happily elected. Success is an admirable plaster for all wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired into; although I still protest, that had fortune been less propitious, the rascal who promulgated this calumny would have been made to smart for his temerity. In less than five minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in due form; for, as it appeared, the "immigrant interest," as Noah termed it, had actually carried a candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. Thus far, all was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I had not the smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy sealer; but our mutual surprise, and I believe I might add, indignation, were a good deal excited, by shortly encountering a walking notice, which contained a programme of the proceedings to be observed at the "Reception of the Honorable Robert s.m.u.t."

It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made so many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard actually stood at the head of the poll!--a political phenomenon, as I subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence in the Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest and best.

There was certainly an acc.u.mulation of interest on arriving in a strange land, to find one's self both extolled and vituperated on most of the corners in its capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all in the same day. Still, I did not permit myself to be either so much elated or so much depressed, as not to have all my eyes about me, in order to get as correctly as possible, and as quickly as possible, some insight into the characters, tastes, habits, wishes, and wants of my const.i.tuents.

I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on the moral excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin world.

Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without observing a few physical usages, that I shall mention, because they have an evident connection with the state of society, and the historical recollections of this interesting portion of the polar region.

In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just as much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper connection with that principle of equal rights on which the inst.i.tutions of the country are established. In the second place, I could not but see that their dwellings are constructed on the very minimum of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the mutual support obtained by the republican system, and seeking their development in height for the want of breadth; a singularity of customs that I did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In the third place, I noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the ground like men, and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend by means of external steps to an aperture about half-way between the roof and the earth, where, having obtained admission, they go up or down within the building, as occasion requires. This usage, I made no question, was preserved from the period (and that, too, no distant one), when the savage condition of the country induced them to seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by having recourse to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into the top of the tree, as the sun sank beneath the horizon. These steps or ladders are generally of some white material, in order that they may, even now, be found in the dark, should the danger be urgent; although I do not know that Bivouac is a more disorderly or unsafe town than another, in the present day. But habits linger in the usages of a people, and are often found to exist as fas.h.i.+ons, long after the motive of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As a proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have still enormous iron chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and near the base of the stone-ladders; a practice unquestionably taken from the original, unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary and enterprising race.

Among a great many of these chevaux-de-frise, I remarked certain iron images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, and which I took, at first, to be symbols of the calculating qualities of the owners of the mansions--a species of republican heraldry--but which the brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a fas.h.i.+on that had descended from the custom of having stuffed images before the doors, in the early days of the settlement, to frighten away the beasts at night, precisely as we station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two of these well-padded sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a fire-lock att.i.tude, he a.s.sured me, had often been known to maintain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a numerous family of hungry cubs, in the olden times; and, now that the danger was gone, he presumed the families which had caused these iron monuments to be erected, had done so to record some marvellous risks of this nature, from which their forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an expedient.

Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of the inst.i.tutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance, overtop the roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the public is merely a servant of the citizen. Even the churches have this peculiarity, proving that the road to heaven is not independent of the popular will.

The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same rec.u.mbent style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from the imputation of believing that the firmament was within reach of his hand, having taken the precaution to run up a wooden finger-board from the centre of the building, which points to the place where, according to the notions of all other people, the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised.

So very apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to him as if the whole "'arth" had been rolled down by a great political rolling-pin, by way of giving the country its finis.h.i.+ng touch.

While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr.

Downright observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his pretending to know such a fact without any previous communication, I took the liberty of asking why he thought that we were the particular objects of the other's haste.

"Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a sufficiently numerous cla.s.s among us, who, devoured by a small ambition, seek notoriety--which, by the way, they are near obtaining in more respects than they probably desire--by obtruding themselves on every stranger who touches our sh.o.r.e. Theirs is not a generous and frank hospitality that would fain serve others, but an irritable vanity that would glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is neither ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply because they are domestic.

With him the criterions of merit are propriety, taste, expediency, and fitness. He distinguishes, while these crave; he neither wholly rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges for himself, and uses his experience as a respectable and useful guide; while these think that all they can attain that is beyond the reach of their neighbors, is, as a matter of course, the sole aim of life. Strangers they seek, because they have long since decreed that this country, with its usages, its people, and all it contains, being founded on popular rights, is all that is debased and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own particular friends excepted; and they are never so happy as when they are gloating on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of what we call the 'old region.' Their own attainments, however, being pretty much G.o.dsends, or such as we all pick up in our daily intercourse, they know nothing of any foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions, and laws, they deem all who come from that part of the earth, as rather more ent.i.tled to their profound homage than any other strangers."

Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the nominating committee on the subject of the chances of the little wheel, suddenly left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just caught a fresh scent.

The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some political backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to a fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not possible for the most envious and malignant disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. He had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which was as naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an edifying picture of penitence and self-abas.e.m.e.nt. I afterwards understood that this purification was considered perfectly satisfactory, and that he was thought to be, again, within the limits of the most patriotic patriots.

In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced as Mr. Gilded Wriggle.

"Count Poke de Stunnin'tun, my good sir," said the brigadier, who was the master of ceremonies on this occasion, "and the Mogul Goldencalf--both n.o.blemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, and of the purest water; gentlemen who, when they are at home, have six dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are none of them less than six leagues in extent."

"My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen,"

interrupted our new acquaintance, "your rank and extraction being self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and myself. I particularly beg that your first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to me.

Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have now been on sh.o.r.e long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our inst.i.tutions and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by what you see in the streets--"

"It is not my intention, sir."

"You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I confess; trampled on by the vulgar, and far--very far from being the people that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't be made the a.s.sistant alderman of my ward, if I wished it, sir--too much jacobism; the people are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to rule themselves, much less their betters, sir. Here have a set of us, some hundreds in this very town, been telling them what fools they are, how unfit they are to manage their own affairs, and how fast they are going to the devil, any time these twenty years, and still we have not yet persuaded them to entrust one of us with authority! To say the truth, we are in a most miserable condition, and, if anything COULD ruin this country, democracy would have ruined it just thirty-five years ago."

Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of Count Poke de Stunnin'tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against one of the forty-three thousand seven hundred and sixty inequalities of the pavement (for everything in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the streets and highways), and fallen forwards on his nose. I have already had occasion to allude to the sealer's readiness in using opprobrious epithets. This contre-temps happened in the princ.i.p.al street of Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of more than a league in extent; but notwithstanding its great length, Noah took it up at one end and abused it all the way to the other, with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited general admiration. "It was the dirtiest, worst paved, meanest, vilest, street he had ever seen, and if they had it at Stunnin'tun, instead of using it as a street at all, they would fence it up at each end, and turn it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright betrayed unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently demanded of the captain if he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, taste, and elegance! This street was never spoken of except by the use of superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself had by no means neglected. It was commonly thought to be the longest and the shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the best built and the worst built avenue in the universe. "Whatever you say or do," he continued, "whatever you think or believe, never deny the superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever saw a street so crowded, although there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is stifling; if required to name another promenade so free from interruption, protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say what you will of the inst.i.tutions of the country--"

"How!" I exclaimed; "of the sacred rights of monikins?"

"Bedaub them, and the ma.s.s of the monikins, too, with just as much filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in genteel society, I would advise you to get a pretty free use of the words, 'jacobins,' 'rabble,' 'mob,' 'agrarians,' 'canaille' and 'democrats'; for they recommend many to notice who possess nothing else. In our happy and independent country it is a sure sign of lofty sentiment, a finished education, a regulated intellect, and a genteel intercourse, to know how to bespatter all that portion of your fellow-creatures, for instance, who live in one-story edifices."

"I find all this very extraordinary, your government being professedly a government of the ma.s.s!"

"You have intuitively discovered the reason--is it not fas.h.i.+onable to abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel life, ought to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the present company, with their relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not raise your blaspheming tongue against anything that is inanimate! Respect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the rivers, the mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are a people of lively sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow philosophers are all of a mind on this subject."

"King!"

"Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, brigadier?"

"Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred!

We have a great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear our wares underrated. But lay it on the ma.s.s so much the harder, and you will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a refined intelligence."

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed once more.

"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!"--he had been questioning one of our attendants--"how comes on that great and consistent people?"

"As usual, sir;--great and consistent."

"I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?--chips of the same blocks?"

"No, sir--blocks of the same chips."

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I wished I had even laid it on a little thicker.

"Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to pieces that sublime fabric of a const.i.tution, which has so long been the wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?"

"They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have effected no great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark, still has seven joints to his tail."

"Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!" said Wriggle, looking ruefully at his own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural abortion. "I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I would die in my tail!"

"One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused a little enthusiasm."

"A most miraculous people, sir--the wonder of the world--and their inst.i.tutions are the greatest prodigy of the times!"

"That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the brigadier; "for they have been tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five hundred and fifty years, and still they remain precisely the same!"