Songs Of Willow Frost: A Novel Part 18

"You have nothing to give but the boy, well, almost nothing," he said. "You can keep wet-nursing my son for a few months. And then I'm sure we can work out some arrangement where we both get what we want. But know this-I can take him from you anytime I wish. A son belongs to his father and the law is on my side. If you do your job well, I'll keep you around. I might even let him live with you."

"I'm his mother, he's only two years old ..."

"No, you're his nanny. And if you leave town, I will come for you and take him away and you will never see him again. I promise you this."

Liu Song drifted between the sh.o.r.es of relief and horror. I can keep him for now. She watched as her stepfather lit another cigarette, blowing smoke.

"Your auntie Eng is walking him back to the Bush Hotel right now. You should run along. He'll need his diaper changed." As he spoke he unconsciously scratched himself inside the waistline of his trousers.

Liu Song slipped away, rubbing her arms for warmth. She wanted to take William and run-despite Uncle Leo's warnings. But she had nowhere to run to.

When she arrived back at her apartment, she found the place eerily quiet. Auntie Eng was nowhere to be seen, a stubbed-out cigarette on the floor outside her door and the accompanying smell were the only evidence of her having been there.

Liu Song trembled with relief when she found the carriage parked in the middle of her apartment, William inside, fast asleep. He looked so still, she worried that something was amiss-she couldn't help but lift him from the carriage and clutch him to her chest, feeling his warmth, his breathing, his moment of joyful, satisfied, comforted wakefulness as he smiled and touched her face. Then she smelled tobacco in his hair and on his clothing. She undressed him and drew a hot bath, wanting to scrub away every fingerprint, every odor, every taint Uncle Leo and Auntie Eng had left on her precious child.

As she dried him off, William looked up at her and smiled. Her heart was awash in hurt and anger, disappointment and fear. She wanted to take him and disappear, run away. Instead she smiled through her tears and sang a lullaby. She tickled his belly b.u.t.ton, pretending everything would be okay.

Parting.

(1925).

When Liu Song woke in the morning, she lit an old candle for her parents and solemnly placed a tea offering in her family shrine, next to the statue of Ho Hsien-ku, the only woman among the eight Chinese Immortals. Liu Song understood that kind of isolation, that loneliness. She couldn't bear to sing or act or perform or even smile. Just putting on a brave face for William when he woke up took all the emotional energy she had left from a hollow, empty, sleepless night. She'd called Mr. b.u.t.terfield from a pay phone and told him she was ill and couldn't string two notes together, and it wasn't far from the truth. As she watched William in his high chair, eating mashed carrots and taro root, she wondered what kind of life she could provide him without Colin's help, material and emotional. Her answer came with a knock on the door.

She knew it would be Colin. She'd run off, half-hoping he would go without saying goodbye but half-dreaming he'd come back and never leave.

His expression as he stood spoke his heart even before he opened his mouth. He looked like he hadn't slept, and he was still wearing the same clothes he'd had on the day before. He didn't come bearing flowers. The only thing he held in his hand was his hat.

"Cowin," William said, as he smiled with a mouth full of carrots.

Liu Song invited Colin in, but he hesitated, absently waving at her son.

"I'm sorry, Liu Song." He cleared his throat. "I had no idea that would happen last night. I knew my father was ill. My mother had sent a telegram months ago, but my mother worries too much. And they've been begging me to come home, offering any excuse for me to give up my dreams. I've ignored them for so long-too long, I guess. I didn't know my father was near death-I'm told he may not even live long enough to see me return. But I have to go."

Liu Song looked away, glanced at the clock. He must have read her mind.

"We sail today, in a few hours."

Liu Song heard William saying h.e.l.lo and laughing in his singsong voice. She stepped back as Colin took a step toward her. She stood between him and her son.

"If you asked me to stay ..." Colin hesitated. "I would ..."

"I would never ask that," Liu Song said, even as her heart screamed: Ask! "Family is too important. I could never impose ..."

She watched as his posture, his face, his eyes, relaxed. He seemed relieved, as though a weight had been take off his shoulders. But is he happy I didn't ask him to stay or happy that I understand why he has to leave?

"You must wait for me then."

Liu Song stared back at him. As if I have a choice.

"But what about your ... fiancee?" Liu Song hated saying the word. "I know I'm a single girl, without a real family, with a child-not high on anyone's list of candidates for marriage, but I thought we shared something special. I thought I meant more to you. More than just kindred spirits on the stage, before the cameras ..."

Colin chewed his lip, then spoke. "I'm sorry, Liu Song. I never mentioned her because I never thought I would have to. I figured she'd find someone else and free me from that commitment. She was so far away ... just a forgotten memory. You know I'd rather be here-with you, with William. I mean that. I want you. But I guess a part of me knew that I could only run for so long. I could only avoid my obligations back home for so many seasons. I was afraid to declare myself for you because I knew the past would eventually catch up to me. I hoped for better things ..."

Liu Song couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her heart swelled with his unvarnished adoration-his words confirmed what she'd always felt but was afraid to believe. And yet, now he was leaving. With another woman, a girl much like herself. And none of them knew if or when he might be coming back.

"I can fix this, Liu Song. There is so much happening in America-so much we can accomplish. You know what you want and how to get there. You are your mother's daughter in every way. Keep going without me, keep singing and acting and auditioning. Don't give up on your gift-your talent is large enough to fill the screen. I'll come back as soon as I can. You have to wait for me." He reached into his billfold and handed her a wad of twenty-dollar bills. She refused, but he placed the cash on the table. It was more money than she'd ever had.

"It's all I have," he said. "Buy yourself something nice, something to remember me by, something for William, save it for a rainy day."

Liu Song smiled, sadly, because she never knew guilt had such a price; besides, it seemed that every day was rainy in Seattle. But in the end there was no one else, Liu Song realized. Just William. She'd wait for Colin as long as she could. There was no one else worth waiting for. And she didn't want to settle for less. She nodded, and Colin wrapped his arms around her, holding her closer than he ever had. She reached up, touched his shoulders, then smelled another woman's perfume and stepped away. She couldn't reconcile his words with his obligations, not yet. He tried to kiss her, but she turned her cheek and saw William smiling and laughing. She felt like crying but laughed back at him. The absurdity of her life was made apparent as he dumped his bowl on the floor. The ceramic didn't break, it merely wobbled to a halt.

"Keep singing, keep acting," Colin said. "Don't ever stop. Because that's how I'll find you when you're famous and have moved on."

Liu Song tried to ignore his flattery, yet savored every word. "I will."

"Keep performing."

My whole life is make-believe, she thought. "Always."

"I'll send a telegram as soon as I can. I promise I'll write. I'll take care of this and return and it'll be as though I'd never left."

Liu Song looked at her son and then at Colin. She collected herself and put on the performance of her life. She swallowed her tears. Then she held Colin's hand and touched his face; his cheek was warm, his skin soft. She smiled bravely and wished him safe travels and every happiness, which she could never have.

Living Arrangements.

(1925).

By late winter Liu Song realized she might be waiting forever. She'd counted the days it took for Colin's steams.h.i.+p to reach Hong Kong and then Canton and the time it would take for a telegram to arrive letting her know that he'd made it home safely and when he might be coming back. Each evening she waited for a messenger boy from Western Union to knock on her door, and each evening she went to bed disappointed. She knew that telegrams were expensive, especially from overseas, so she didn't expect much, a few words at best, but she didn't expect silence either. When weeks of silence stretched to months, she learned to accept that quiescence as another kind of message, one she received loud and clear.

She tried to forget about Colin by staying busy at the music store, but even that happy distraction proved to be short-lived as months rolled by without selling a single player piano, even during the holiday season, when all she sang were songs like "Greensleeves," "The Twelve Days of Christmas," and "Silent Night."

William loved the holiday songs. He played inside, where it was warm, peering through the window and waving while Liu Song stood outside as it rained and rained. She smiled and kissed him through the cold gla.s.s.

Despite her street performances, which still drew large crowds, Mr. b.u.t.terfield had struggled to sell even a quarter of the sheet music he'd ordered. Everything about b.u.t.terfield's seemed old now, used, unwanted, everything collecting dust. Hand-painted advertis.e.m.e.nts and discounts hadn't helped.

William clapped and said, "Sheng dan kuai le." Liu Song looked at him and raised an eyebrow until he switched to English. "Merry Cwismas," he said as she walked into the store to take her break. She was proud of William's English but tired of feeling so alone during such a festive season. She sat down across from her employer.

"I'm afraid we're done for, dear," Mr. b.u.t.terfield announced as he pored over his ledger and emptied his flask into a crystal tumbler with a cracked bottom.

Liu Song looked at the clock, unsure of what he meant. It was only one in the afternoon, too early to call it a day, she thought, even though the sightseeing buses were done for the season. The days had been slower than usual, but the rainy weather always hurt business. Especially since she'd been fighting a cold and sniffling all morning. She sipped a cup of hot jasmine tea to warm her throat and soothe her voice.

"We're going the way of the dodo." Mr. b.u.t.terfield cursed as he closed his ledger and dropped the thick bound book into the trash. He waved to the financial record of his store as though parting from a lifelong friend. Then he fished out a handkerchief and dabbed at the corners of his eyes, blowing his nose as he stared out the window.

Liu Song looked across the street toward a new electronics store that had opened just in time for the holidays. That was where their business had gone. Radios had become all the rage, with three new stores opening up within blocks of the music shop. And new radio stations were popping up as well, offering more hours of live music. No one wanted player pianos anymore, especially the expensive Weltes. They were bulky and had to be tuned and watered, and the song rolls were expensive compared to the free music on the radio that could be found live in the evening hours, seven days a week. Liu Song had thought radio might be a fad, but RCA and Crosley tube units were everywhere, even outselling the expensive Zeniths that had worried Mr. b.u.t.terfield the most.

"What now?" Liu Song asked, wanting to know the answer.

Mr. b.u.t.terfield hesitated and then loosened his tie. "I'm sorry, dear. It's been a pure joy while it lasted, but I'm afraid I can't pay you commission on what we aren't selling. You've got a magnificent voice, and you can act, and half the women in the city would kill for your cheekbones, but looks can't keep the lights on. We gave it a good fight, but I'm selling everything for half price starting tomorrow-all through the holidays. And I'll post going-out-of-business signs after New Year's. It'll probably take most of January to clear things out and settle with the bank. Then I'll close the doors for good. If you need a letter of recommendation, I'm happy to oblige."

It took a moment for Liu Song to process what she was being told. Business had always been up and down, but the city seemed to be booming, people were buying Plymouths and Pierce-Arrows, and the furriers were as busy as ever. She had thought that Mr. b.u.t.terfield would be able to adapt to the changing times. Somehow she'd hoped this was a lull, a calm before the storm of holiday business. Little did she know that that calm was a last breath, a death rattle before the end of her day job.

Mr. b.u.t.terfield handed her two dollars in change but couldn't look her in the eye as he wiped away a tear. That was all she'd made in the last week. Then he handed her a five-dollar bill on top of that. "I'm going to miss you, Liu Song. You'll always be my Willow. And I'll miss William too." Before she could thank him he'd already turned. "Please be a dear and lock up when you leave," he said as he walked away. "I've got some more drinking to do." She watched as he snapped his suspenders and disappeared into the back room. He was gone before she had time to say goodbye. She lingered in the awful silence of the music store, a permanent rest. Then she called for William, who had been playing with a windup tap dancer in the piano repair room, which sat empty. She smiled as he held up the well-worn toy. The coil had been shot from overuse, and now the tin figure hardly moved at all, but William bounced the little man along.

As they walked down the street, Liu Song searched for help-wanted signs, but she knew that jobs for women were few and far between. The only place hiring was the Jefferson Laundry. She gritted her teeth as she walked by, imagining what it would be like working as a waste girl, picking up fetid laundry, stained sheets, and soiled rags. She didn't bother walking the long way home, circ.u.mnavigating that particular business. There was no use engaging in that folly since her uncle Leo had made his presence felt on a weekly basis.

When she arrived at the Bush Hotel, she found a bundle of fresh linens from the Jefferson Laundry, neatly twined, resting on her doorstep. The sheets she found waiting each week delivered an unspoken message: I'm watching. I'm waiting.

Appet.i.tes.

(1926).

"I'm hungry," William said, pointing to his belly b.u.t.ton, which stuck out below a faded blue s.h.i.+rt that he'd all but outgrown. "I'm hungry, Ah-ma."

We never have breakfast, Liu Song wanted to remind him. She'd been out of work for months and hoped he'd be used to that fact by now. She was, but she knew he didn't understand that they'd nearly exhausted their savings, including the money Colin and Mr. b.u.t.terfield had given them. As she heated up yesterday's rice and mixed in an egg and some sprouting onions, she thought about how her mother had slowly wasted away. Is that what's happening to us? She skipped supper, again, and watched William eat. Her mouth watered as the thought of leftovers made her stomach ache. Once William was down for a late nap, she ate the bits he'd left behind and counted the remaining coins in her purse. She might be able to rummage for used clothing, but with what little she had she'd never be able to pay rent. They barely had enough to buy food. Mildred had left town with a boyfriend-that Andy-something. Mildred had planned to elope somewhere in California, earning money along the way by entering dance marathons. Liu Song pictured her friend with a sign on her back that read: DRINK MALTED OVALTINE, sleepwalking her way through forty days on the dance floor-for glory and one thousand dollars in prize money. Good for you, Liu Song thought, but bad for me. Without Mildred, Liu Song struggled to find someone she trusted to watch William so she could work at the Wah Mee Club. She'd tried auditioning for several small theater roles but couldn't seem to get a break without Colin's connections. And what few jobs there were for women seemed unattainable. To the white establishments, she was too Oriental, and to the Chinese establishments, she was too modern, too Western. She was tainted with a child born out of wedlock and no other family to vouch for her. And by the time she returned to what was left of the music store to ask for a recommendation, Mr. b.u.t.terfield had already left town.

She sat on the floor in William's room, listening to him snore while she read a copy of Seattle's Screenland newspaper. There were new shows listed, new productions advertised, new movies being filmed, but nothing that called for a Chinese actress. In desperation she woke William and dressed him in his warmest clothes. She held his hand as he sleepily walked alongside her toward the Stacy Mansion.

"Why are we here?" William asked.

Liu Song wiped his runny nose with her sleeve and rubbed his hands, his cheeks, his ears, trying to keep them warm. "Ah-ma is here to ask about a job; understand?"

William shrugged and stared up in awe at the sprawling manse; a lopsided formation of snow geese flew overhead. The birds honked as they winged their way toward Tacoma and warmer climes to the south.

Liu Song drew a deep breath. She felt guilty for bringing William along, but she didn't want to leave him alone. She was desperate, but she didn't want to appear so needy-yet she was willing to do anything for her son. Mrs. Van Buren had once said Liu Song was welcome to come back and perform. But the exclusive club looked cold and uninviting now that the gra.s.s had turned brown and the trees had lost their leaves, all but the evergreens that flanked the wrought-iron gate, which was open to let sleek cars cruise in and out. The drivers looked bored while the pa.s.sengers looked elegant, giddy, and half-drunk. As Liu Song looked at the club ladies in their white gloves and mink stoles, the men in their car coats and their velvet hats, she thought that now seemed like as good a time as any.

She felt invisible as she walked to the mansion's entrance. Until the doorman said, "Hey, the servants' entrance is on the east side of the building. Go out the gate and circle around the block ..."

"I don't work here," Liu Song said.

"Well, you sure ain't a member."

"I was hoping to speak with Mr. or Mrs. Van Buren if they're here. My name is ..." She held William's cold hand as he leaned toward the open door, the warmth, and the smell of garlic, onions, and roast beef. "Tell them Willow is here. Willow Frost. I once performed here for the members."

The doorman looked her up and down and then told her to wait while he checked. When he returned, he presented Mrs. Van Buren, who seemed confused.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" the woman said as she raised a cigarette holder to her lips. The doorman flashed a lighter, and Mrs. Van Buren blew a long stream of smoke into the cool air that swirled as she absently touched the string of pearls around her neck.

Liu Song felt naked in her faded dress and tattered shoes that had once barely pa.s.sed for elegant. "I'm ... Willow. Willow Frost. I performed here once ..."

Liu Song watched as the woman's eyes narrowed when she saw William. Her pleasant smile disappeared. "You were with that Colin fellow, weren't you? He left abruptly last year for the Orient. I know some of the members here had unfinished business dealings with him. Looks like he left you in the lurch as well. I'm afraid if you're a friend of his, there's nothing we can do for you ..." The woman shook her head and glanced at the doorman, who took Willow's arm.

"But you said I could perform here anytime," Willow said as she and William were led away. "I need work. I'm begging you. You said ..."

"I say a lot of things. Now I'm saying goodbye."

THAT NIGHT LIU Song curled up in bed, hungry and cold; her body ached. And her threadbare sheets were old and dirty. She couldn't bear to put the fresh linens from the Jefferson Laundry on her bed. Her denial wasn't merely her pride. She'd tried the sheets once and had terrible nightmares; unlike William, who slept peacefully, his head resting on her shoulder, his arm across her belly, his tiny fingers moving slightly as though he were catching b.u.t.terflies or tadpoles in his dreams. She regarded her son's sweet face as he snored-so relaxed, so untroubled, so perfect.

IN THE MORNING she bathed William and fed him the last of their rice, which had previously been an offering in their family shrine. She still felt ill and run-down from not eating enough, not sleeping well enough, from worrying, or perhaps just from loneliness and a broken heart. Whatever her maladies might be, she knew she couldn't provide for William. So she stared into the mirror and cried. For years she hadn't been able to cry, and now she couldn't seem to stop. She sobbed until the muscles in her stomach hurt and her nose was red and her cheeks were wet and her collar damp. She cried until she was exhausted. Then she sat on her worn sofa, breathing, trying not to think, trying not to feel anything anymore. The only time she let her guard down was when William would look at her and smile. He walked over, arms outstretched, and she knelt on one knee, hugging him. When she let go, he regarded her tears and asked, "Ow, Ah-ma?" He touched her tears. "Owie?"

When her nose was no longer puffy and her eyes no longer swollen from crying, she let William play as she dressed, slowly, meticulously, as though preparing for her own funeral. She regarded her tiny apartment and her son. She held William's hand and walked down the stairs, descending slowly into the cold. Out on the street she wrapped her arm around William-they needed winter clothing. They needed a lot of things.

"Where going?" William asked. His breath fogged the air.

Liu Song didn't answer as she led her son across the street.

"Ah-ma?" William asked again. "Bakey?" He pointed to the Mon Hei Bakery.

Liu Song feasted on the heavenly scent of fresh pork buns. Months had pa.s.sed since she'd tasted something so delicious. She led William down the street. She couldn't speak. She was afraid that she'd burst into tears, and it took all of her energy to contain her sorrow. She stopped at a flower cart and, with trembling fingers, handed over the last of their money and pointed to a bouquet of white peonies.

The man who was selling the flowers said, "I'm sorry for your loss-death is a terrible thing," as he handed her the symbolic arrangement. Liu Song thanked the man with a stoic whisper and slowly walked away. She led William down the street, past a music store that was playing a sad song she didn't recognize. From there they cut through an alley and ended up in front of the Jefferson Laundry.

"Smell bad," William said as he pinched his nose. "I go home."

They walked inside, and Liu Song rang the service bell on the counter quickly, as though doing so would lessen the discomfort-like swallowing a spoonful of rotten cod-liver oil. She tried not to recoil when Auntie Eng stepped through a pair of wooden swinging doors. The stout woman smelled of detergent and yesterday's sweat. She snorted and forced a smile, revealing a graying tooth that had died at the root. Then she took the flowers and barked out something in Chinese, but her farmland accent was so thick even Liu Song had no idea what the woman had said.

She turned and walked into the back of the laundry, and Liu Song heard a conversation erupt, quickly turning into a heated argument.

Liu Song looked at William, who was fidgeting as he held her hand, looking back toward the door and the restaurant across the street. As she waited she hoped the desperation and surrender in her eyes weren't as contagious as her cold. She tugged on William's hand. "I'm your ah-ma. I will always be your ah-ma. Do you believe me?"

William nodded, but he was confused. He probably would have nodded at anything if it meant going to the bakery on the way home.

When Liu Song looked up again, Auntie Eng had stepped out and was untying her waist ap.r.o.n, cursing at her in Cantonese as she threw it on the floor. She paused for a moment as she looked up at Liu Song, then spat in her face. Liu Song recoiled and closed her eyes while the warm, foul-smelling spittle ran down her cheeks and nose. She heard Auntie Eng storm out as she felt a rough hand place a soft towel in her hand. She wiped her face clean, trying not to gag as the disgusting smell lingered.

When she opened her eyes, Uncle Leo was standing there. He slicked his thinning hair to one side. His face was wet from perspiration and steam. He took the towel, sniffed the cotton, wiped his forehead and cheeks, and then neatly refolded it. He placed the soiled cloth atop a stack of fresh towels. He didn't say a word. He just smiled at Liu Song as if to say, I knew you'd come back.

Sing-Song.