Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 19

Vanessa: I'm trying to understand. I know I can't really. But I am your best friend!

She and Vanessa had said they were BFFs a hundred times. But Ellie realized how little she'd actually thought about Vanessa in the past months. She'd never shared her heart and soul with her, though they'd been friends since seventh grade. Vanessa was fun to be around. She needed Ellie's advice for just about everything in life. But Ellie didn't lean on Vanessa.

Ellie: I was in so much pain. Still am a lot of the time. And you know how I am.

Vanessa: Miss Independent who figures out life all alone and then comes out with her plan. I figured you'd show up one day better than ever.

Yeah, like that'll happen, Ellie thought.

Her phone suddenly rang. Vanessa's number showed on the screen.

"Just don't let me hear important news about you from someone like Dwight Kellogg ever again, got it?"

Vanessa's voice sounded so familiar that it made Ellie smile and realize how much she had missed her. "Dwight Kellogg?"

"Yeah, his dad works in the hospital or something. Imagine how embarra.s.sed I was to learn from Dwight Kellogg that my best friend was home."

"Okay, I promise not to ever let you hear something about me from Dwight Kellogg ever again."

"Aren't you funny?" Vanessa said. "Oh, oh, there's so much to tell you."

Ellie laughed, but she suddenly wanted off the phone.

"Did you hear about Jill and Tyler?"

"I haven't heard anything. But, V, I can't talk long. I'm feeling my meds kick in, which means sleepy time."

"Oh yeah, okay, sorry."

"We have a lot to catch up on." And then Ellie realized that by texting Vanessa she'd opened a door. Now Vanessa would want to see her. And so would everyone else.

"Have you talked to anyone from school?"

Ellie worked at peeling the sheet from her shoulder where it had stuck to an exposed scab. She winced as she finally tugged it free.

"Only my sister, but she doesn't say much." Ellie didn't mention Will. The fewer questions, the better.

"So you don't know?" Vanessa's tone was a mixture of seriousness at the subject and excitement that she got to share some shattering gossip.

"I'm guessing that I do not."

Vanessa paused, then said, "You broke up with Ryan, right?"

"Yeah. I guess I did."

"And did you know he's going out with someone now?"

Ellie sat up slightly. Tara, she thought but couldn't say.

"He and Tara are going out," Vanessa said in disgust. "I was starting to really believe in Ryan. He seemed so real about how he felt about you. And then, just like that, he's with Tara."

"It's been a month, I think," Ellie said. Her heart was racing, and it was hard to breathe for a moment. "When did they start going out?"

"Recently, I think. They were holding hands at lunch today. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know if I should tell you."

"Of course. It's fine. I mean, really."

"Well, as long as you're okay about it. But still. Tara? We knew she was after him. She probably heard you were home and decided she better not wait any longer to sink in her claws."

A sudden nausea swept over Ellie. She wondered if her meds weren't sitting well in her stomach. "I better go."

"Okay, well, I could come over tomorrow."

Ellie sighed, wis.h.i.+ng she'd never sent the text. "Call me tomorrow. I'm getting close to another surgery, so I may not be able to have visitors. They want to protect against any viruses or infections." It was a lie, but Vanessa would believe it.

They got off the phone, and Ellie realized she was shaking.

She didn't want to see Vanessa, or any of her old friends.

She didn't want to hear about Ryan and Tara. For some reason, she couldn't get the image of them holding hands at lunch out of her head. Suddenly she wanted to throw something.

Ellie couldn't really blame him. Yet why Tara? Would someone else have been easier for her to hear about? She didn't know. Did Ryan talk about her to Tara? Did they feel sorry for her? Or was Tara gloating over finally having him?

Would he create a candlelight surprise for Tara too?

She could imagine Tara leaning against Ryan seductively, weaving her fingers through his, tossing her hair back and kissing him.

Ellie grabbed up the purple dog she'd retrieved from the box earlier and threw it across the room.

Chapter 15.

THE OUTSIDER.

The Anonymous Blog about Life at West Redding High April 12

Graduation is closing in for us seniors. I for one cannot wait to move on from high school. Since there's suddenly become a witch hunt to find out who I am, I might as well reveal myself. Picture me taking a bow. Megan Summerfield, which shouldn't be a surprise.

Sighing in annoyance, Ellie s.h.i.+fted in the chair and stared out the window to the view across the Sacramento River. The currents moved in wavy, slow lines.

"I feel like I want to go home," she said to the woman sitting across from her.

Her counseling sessions were sort of helpful, Ellie had to admit. But sometimes she just wanted to pinch her lips closed with arms folded at her chest. Dr. Montgomery-Maggie, as she insisted upon being called-thought she knew everything, and it drove Ellie crazy.

"Why don't you tell me about Will?"

"What about him?"

"Are you attracted to him?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Have you talked to any of your old friends?"

"Just that one talk with Vanessa. So not really."

Maggie wrote some notes on a yellow notepad. Ellie thought she must be in her forties, and she was attractive for that age, with short dark hair and perfect makeup. But she was divorced, so how much did she really know about this counseling stuff?

"How do you feel about that?"

"Glad. I don't want to talk to them, and I'm glad they're leaving me alone. I hope that continues."

"But you're okay being around Will?"

"I guess."

"Why do you think that is?"

A fis.h.i.+ng boat came into view with a rumble of its engine. The driver was standing with his hands on the steering wheel as two other men talked and held their ball caps to their heads. They all wore thick jackets in the chilly April afternoon.

"I don't know why. I didn't have much choice. He sort of shoved his way into my life."

"But Ryan did that as well, and you told him not to come back."

"Maybe Will and my sister are easier. They have their own broken stuff or something. Ryan was too . . . I don't know what. It just seemed like a waste of time for him to keep seeing me."

"A waste of your time or his?"

"His." Ellie remembered Will asking this same question. Maybe her insurance company should pay him for counseling advice.

"But it's not a waste of Will's time?"

Ellie glanced at the clock. Was this therapy or an interrogation? Her parents were making her come to these sessions, and at first Ellie thought, Why not? But she didn't want to a.n.a.lyze everything. She didn't want to deal with Stasia's death or her disfigured face. Didn't want to talk endlessly about her feelings or why those feelings existed.

"Will is more like me. I can just feel it, so don't ask me why."

"Do you think it could lead to more than friends.h.i.+p?"

She thought of the kiss. Something they hadn't talked about in the week since it happened. "Why do people think that a boyfriend relations.h.i.+p is more than friends.h.i.+p? Why is that better, or more?"

"You're right. I apologize for my terminology."

Even when she was wrong, somehow Maggie turned it around toward being right. Who used words like terminology anyway?

"I only want friends.h.i.+p," Ellie said, again looking out the window. The boat had disappeared from view.

Maggie was silent, which she often was when she didn't believe Ellie. The clock on the wall ticked loudly.

"Ellie . . . do you think you are worthy of a man falling in love with you?"

Ellie's eyes darted back to Maggie, and her hand instinctively moved toward her face.

"Worthy?"

"Do you think your life has the value that it had before?"

She didn't respond. Of course it didn't. She was nothing now. Before, she was doing things for others; she was accomplis.h.i.+ng goals; she was working hard. Now she did none of those things. Her life obviously didn't have the same value.

"Do you think your worth, your value as a human being, is connected to how you look?"

"Of course not," she said defensively.

"Of course not? Why do you feel of lesser value now than six months ago?"

"Did I say that I did?" She glanced at the clock again.

"Let's talk about this in our next session."

"Sounds fun. Perhaps we should talk about my grandfather as well."

"If you are finally ready to, then yes, absolutely."

Ellie hated when her sarcasm didn't affect Maggie.

"Before we end, I want to talk about the stages of grief."

"Wonderful. Do I get a sticker when I leave for all my pain and suffering?" She glanced down at her phone and typed to Megan: Almost done. Come save me.

"So this is as bad as the dentist's chair?"

"I was thinking the doctor's office, and I'm getting a flu shot."Maggie only nodded. "Here is a paper for you to take home that describes the stages of grief. However, you'll probably recognize the stages best once you're through them."