Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 27

"Well, it caught me off guard. Plus, he's this guy I didn't know, and he was offering me weed." Ellie wondered where she'd be by that guy's age. It was the choices she made now that would determine much of it. "I need to start figuring out my life. You know, I don't like parties. It's ridiculous that I started smoking-and that's no judgment on you, and I know you tried to stop me. I just don't want to be around a bunch of people smoking pot, doing drugs, being crazy 'cause they're drinking. I want something different."

Will smiled in his usual nonchalant way. "So you're dumping me as your friend, huh?"

She laughed. "Not yet."

"Then I'll enjoy our time together. Now, eat your pizza."

Later that night, Ellie was online, reading a news report about children in Afghanistan after the war, when an IM popped up on her screen. No one ever I Med her, because she was always invisible. Of course, it was Will.

W: My real father was Brazilian.

E: Real father? Your dad isn't your real father?

W: No. My real father went to college back east and met my mom. His family was furious when he ran off and married an American. Then my parents divorced when I was a baby, and my dad returned to Brazil. A year later my mom married John. That's why everyone thinks John is my real dad, even me sometimes.

E: I nteresting.

W: So when I was in fourth grade . . .

Ellie sat cross-legged on the bed and leaned closer toward the screen of her laptop.

E: Go on.

W:.

E: Tell me!

W: Okay, so one night aliens . . .

E: Knock it off.

W: Okay, you really want to know this?

E: Yes!

W: My mom got a call that my dad had been shot. His family said he was dying and wanted to see me before he died.

E: How was he shot?

W: Let's just say it was drug related.

E: Ohhhh.

W: Mom said no at first. But my grandparents said they'd pay for the plane ticket, that they'd take good care of me, and that it would only be for a week. And I think they promised to pay my way through college and some other stuff, I don't know, but a deal was struck.

E: But it wasn't a week.

W: No. It was nearly the entire school year-like eight months. My dad was in some kind of drug war. He was shot, and he did want to see me. But as soon as I got there, I was rushed to some safe house he was hiding in. And my grandparents had to leave me there with him and get out of there. I don't think they intended for me to stay.

E: You must have been so afraid.

W: Terrified. I had never met my dad. And then the doctor didn't show up, so I had to help with his wound every day.

E: Then they didn't want to give you back?

W: Maybe they would have, but something happened, I don't know what. We were moved somewhere new, and for a while not even my grandparents could find us. We were with a lot of really tough people. I think I cried every night to go home.

E: H ow did you get home?

W: We had to return to my grandparents' ranch after a long time. They were so happy to find me, and within a few days I was sent home to my mom.

E: So it's like you were kidnapped.

W: I don't think of it like that, but I guess I sort of was.

E: Wow, that's an amazing story.

W: But now I have no mystery.

E: That story is more intense and exciting than the mystery.

W: So this new, determined Ellie. When is she coming back to school?

E: I'm not.

W: Why not?

E: Because that epiphany pizza was good, but not that good.

W: So you aren't going to graduate with the cla.s.s?

E: No.

W: What if I make you?

E: You won't. You can't.

After Ellie closed her laptop and rolled over in bed, she thought about the many painful experiences that people went through. She'd never have guessed that Will had gone through all that he'd experienced. How did people move on from such things? From heartbreak, trauma, loss, suffering, pain, and guilt?

Ellie wanted her life to go somewhere. Not backward, not on the line it was currently going, but forward, somehow. But how did she do it? One step at a time, she decided. She reached for her laptop again.

E: You still there?

W: Yes.

E: What do you think of us?

W: Is this the big "us" question?

E: I just want to know what you are thinking.

W: I could play the "What are you thinking" game, but I won't. I think that . . .

E: Yes?

W: I already said it. I could fall in love with you.

Ellie felt a quick tightening through her stomach. She'd wondered a few times if that were really possible, and at times she thought she might be falling in love with Will as well. But she didn't think this was love. And as she'd wondered when she was with Ryan, could she even love?

W: But.

E: Oh, the big BUT.

W: I think our friends.h.i.+p is important and should be carefully managed. I could fall in love with you and ruin this. Because we have different paths ahead of us, we have differences that are great as friends, but I think they'd hurt us if we moved beyond that.

Ellie realized she was nodding to herself. That was exactly what she sensed. And yet, there was a strange sting of rejection attached to his logical words. Would he have said them if they'd grown this close before the accident?

W: I think I've loved you since we were kids, to be quite honest-though I shouldn't be saying this all online. But we were meant to love as friends. I know this year has been horrible, but having your friends.h.i.+p back is really cool. Even though you're confused and need to educate yourself in movies and books more, you are beautiful, Ellie. Now more than ever.

Chapter 20.

Megan's graduation gown hung on a hanger in the doorway beside the new, dark blue dress she'd sewn from the same pattern as the yellow funeral dress. She was getting pretty good at sewing, she had to admit. Ellie had ironed it for her and now sat on the bed while Megan adjusted the cap on her head while looking in the mirror.

"Is there some certain way to wear it?" Megan asked in frustration.

"I don't think so. But you better put a pin in it so it doesn't fall off."

Megan looked at her sister through the reflection in the mirror. "There still might be time, you know. The administration would welcome you right on stage if you showed up."

Everyone had emphatically encouraged Ellie to graduate with her cla.s.s. Her parents, family members, Vanessa, the student council, the ever-cheerful Lisa, even Megan and Will had opinions on why she shouldn't miss this night. Strangely, Ellie's counselor, Maggie, was somewhat indifferent about it, which annoyed Megan.

Ellie had relayed Maggie's words: "It's your choice. It's a milestone night, but it's not the most important, not even close. You have been making progress in your life. This night could make that better or worse. But you have to be the one to decide."

But Megan both agreed and disagreed. She understood how hard it'd be for Ellie to be the subject of hundreds, maybe thousands of people's interest. And it was only one night, something that life didn't hinge upon. But Megan also remembered Ellie making plans with Vanessa to wear bright, matching shoes to graduation, and her sister had helped with the graduation and Sober Grad Night in the previous years at school. Now she wouldn't be there for her own. She'd missed prom, senior portraits, cla.s.s rings, graduation invitations, senior trips and banquets, and this was the final thing she'd miss before it was over. Megan thought she might regret it.

"I can't. I don't want to. But I'm sorry that I'm not going to watch you." Ellie's voice wavered as she said it.

Megan laughed. "Like I told you, I don't care."

"You have to care. It's graduation."

"It really doesn't matter that much to me. You never believe me on these things. It really isn't that big of a deal to me. It was to you."

"Yeah. It was. "

"You would've given a speech."

Ellie nodded and adjusted herself on the bed. "Yes, everyone would've loved for the burned freak to inspire them all. I could have talked about overcoming obstacles, about how this was the best thing that ever happened to me, how G.o.d was good through it all. They might have cried and said things about it being the best speech they'd ever heard and how tragic it was for someone like me to have this happen to her, but how amazing that I'd risen above the tragedy to find the good in it."

Sometimes Megan felt impatient with her sister's self-pity. Sure, if anyone deserved to wallow in it, it was Ellie. But it grew tiring. "You'll always be a 'burned freak' until you decide not to be."

"Whatever. That's easy for you to say."

Megan stood with her hands on her hips. "No, actually, it isn't easy at all."

They were both silent for a while. Ellie rolled up the cord to the iron.

Megan sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. She seriously hated these heart-to-heart conversations, but Ellie needed to hear this. "El, this was your graduation, even more than mine. I'm not disappointed that you won't be there. If you'll regret it years from now, I wish you'd attend it, for you. If you won't regret it, then I'm glad you don't have to face an incredibly painful night. Only you will feel the pain of it; everyone else will be happy and oblivious to your pain and trying to ignore their own fear. You are the face that reminds them of mortality and that the very best of people will go through the very worst of life."

Ellie smiled at that.

Megan was confused. She thought that would offend her sister. "Why are you smiling?"

"Only you would state the most blatant and painful truths."

"We both know it; we might as well admit it. The thing is, I know you'll be okay. You really will be better than ever. Everything in the speech you could have made, it'll all be true. I don't really doubt that."

"Well, I guess one good thing that came out of this is that I have my very rude and obnoxious sister back in my life."

Megan smiled. "G.o.d works in mysterious ways."

The house vibrated with emptiness, like a thousand drops of water on a pond with ripples rolling throughout the rooms.

They'd been gone for an hour, rus.h.i.+ng out with gown and balloons and gifts. Dad gave a final look her way before closing the door, an expression that asked, Are you sure?

Ellie watched TV, then turned on the bathwater. Then suddenly she turned off the tap and searched for her shoes. She picked up her dad's car keys and grabbed her coat-the one with the hood that she'd hated in the past.

It was late May, and some people would be there in shorts and tank tops. She was wearing jeans and a T-s.h.i.+rt with a small Peter Pan in the center. It was an outfit that Ryan would've loved. She'd always found it amusing that he liked her dressed simply even better than all dressed up.

Cars lined both sides of the road leading into the school. The parking lots were probably full. She drove along anyway, coming closer to the football field, where the giant lights blazed upon the grounds. A couple jogged toward the entrance, and also a family. The man swept up his little girl to hurry them all along.

She couldn't find an open spot. But through the fence she could see the maroon gowns of the graduates moving across the field. She pulled along the curb near the fence, somewhat blocking traffic, but no cars were moving now. Everyone was inside or hurrying there on foot. On the other side of the chain-link fence, her friends since childhood and her sister were walking amidst a growing cheer from the audience that could be heard even with her windows rolled up.

She could still make it. She could run inside and wave as they walked in. She could be there when their cla.s.s was announced and be swept into the hugs and cheers and photographs.

The first words were just out of hearing, even as she rolled down her window. She could make out a few things here and there. Still no cars came down that parking lot row, so she finally pushed open the car door and walked to the fence. Through the fence she could see the football field showered in light, while she was in relative darkness. She held the cold metal fence and strained to see the graduates, who were all in their seats now, but it was too far. There was some cheering, and a girl made her way to the podium.