Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 6

"He didn't do anything that he wanted."

"Is he unhappy?"

Ellie paused then. "I don't know. I don't think so, but-"

"I know a lot of people who do go after what they want, and they aren't happy."

"A lot of people? Like who?"

"My mom, her sister, my dad. And others. You want me to name them all? They're all successful."

"And they regret it?"

"No, probably not, I'm sure not. But they aren't happy either. Success isn't the gauge of happiness."

"I know that," she said, suddenly aggravated. She was the one who talked about the dangers of success, that success was in giving and living a life of meaning. She organized the fund-raisers. She'd gone to Mexico over the summer and helped build a mission. Ryan followed her around at times and volunteered, but that was because he wanted to be with her, not to do the work. And now he was defending what he knew nothing about.

She wanted to tell him. But the words were too heavy, and none of it really mattered. They were coming to the end. There'd be awkwardness for a while. He was her first real boyfriend, after all. And he claimed he'd never told anyone else "I love you."

She'd miss him, too, miss so many things about him. His strength, and the way she could sit beside him in his Mustang with the music on and feel completely safe and protected from the world outside. She'd miss their easy laughter and the stories he told. She'd miss when he got serious, which was rare, and the way he would talk about things she didn't think he told anyone else. His hand on her chin. His way of taking away her intensity . . .

But she wouldn't have to battle his desire for her. And though her body reacted and at times longed greatly for more of his hands and more of his lips, she didn't want him to be her first. Ellie had made commitments to herself, and she wasn't going to break them in a weak moment.

He leaned his head on the steering wheel. "Do you still want to go to the party?"

"I never did want to go."

"Then what do you want to do?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Let's just go to the party."

"Fine."

Megan glanced at James onstage as he moved his fingers over the strings of the guitar. Musicians. Why was she heading down this road again? Her six tumultuous months with Kyle the Drummer ended with the inevitable cheating. He'd said sleeping with groupies shouldn't count since they didn't mean anything to him. Then his bandmate tried to "comfort" her, which started an all-band fight. Megan and Kyle weren't the only thing that broke up that night.

"So what do you think?" Naomi asked over the noise of the band.

Megan leaned in to get a closer view of Naomi's newest lip piercing. It was red around the edges. She nodded approval.

"This one didn't hurt at all. When's your turn?"

"One month," Megan said, then glanced again at James as if she barely noticed him.

Their eyes connected, and he gave a slight nod and smile. This wasn't going to turn out good, but Megan suddenly didn't care. Not all musicians were made alike, right?

"I thought you swore off men." Naomi took a drink of her rum and c.o.ke.

"Not men per se."

"Just men with drumsticks or microphones or-what's that in his hand?-guitars."

The waitress came by and asked if anyone wanted anything, but Megan shook her head.

When the band took a break, Megan watched James from the corner of her eye as he approached the bar. A few minutes later, he set two beers on the table, then turned the chair around and sat down. "Wanna get out of here later?" he asked.

Megan shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

Ellie paused at the door. She glanced at Ryan and nearly apologized and asked to go somewhere to talk. But then she touched the doorbell and someone yelled from inside, "It's about time!"

The door flew open, and Ryan was quickly pulled into the kitchen, where a gang of guys cheered his arrival. Ellie looked toward the living room, where some girls from school were sitting and motioning her over.

"This is a segregated party-boys in the kitchen," Stasia said with a smile.

"It looks that way."

"We were about to bet on whether you were coming or not," Heather said. "Mitch was sure you guys were coming by."

"Yeah, I'm usually too much of a Goody Two-shoes," Ellie said, getting a laugh from Stasia and another girl, Nikki, who sat on the couch.

Heather sat on the edge of the coffee table and barely smiled. She was Tara's sidekick and had taken on an air of sn.o.bbery toward everyone else, which was somewhat humorous since they'd known her since kindergarten. There was no impressing people who once pushed you on a swing or shared a mat with you at naptime.

Ellie noticed an older guy out on the patio, watching her through the window.

"That's Mitch's father," Nikki said. "Yuck."

Ellie agreed; it creeped her out the way he was watching them. She sat in a chair out of his view. The party seemed mellow and relaxed, probably because a number of people were stoned. They came in from around the pool with the scent of pot surrounding them like the rings of Saturn. Ellie tried to act natural, but this was only her second party in her entire high school experience. The first had been a wild keg-ger some guy from student council had taken her to, and she'd asked to leave a few minutes into it.

"Whoa, cool, it's Ellie," said one of the guys.

Nikki took a drink from a plastic cup. "Want something?"

Through the arched opening to the kitchen, Ellie could see that Ryan was involved in some kind of beer-drinking game. "No, I think I'll be driving tonight," she said.

"Looks like it," Heather said.

Ellie didn't want to be here. She wanted to go home and figure out what had happened with Ryan tonight.

But Stasia was talking to her, asking, "Where are you going next year, Ellie? Do you know?"

"I'm not sure yet," Ellie said, and that wasn't fully a lie. She had to get accepted to Stanford to go there.

Stasia was planning to start at Shasta College so she could continue working at her dad's accounting firm and save money. Nikki wanted to be a dental hygienist. Heather didn't tell her plans, and Ellie wondered if she should ask where her BFF Tara was going and if Heather was following. For a while they talked about s...o...b..arding and the best places to go if Mount Shasta didn't open until late again.

Ellie did her best to partic.i.p.ate in the conversation.

"He won't wait forever, you know," Heather said when she noticed Ellie watching Ryan in the kitchen. He kept looking out the doorway to where she sat, though they pretended not to notice each other.

"What do you mean?"

"Your boyfriend. He's Ryan, probably the most popular guy at school. He has girls waiting and willing to take him off your hands, since you don't seem to want him that badly. They'd be willing and waiting regardless-some girls are just that way." Heather smirked.

"Girls like Tara?" Ellie asked.

Heather laughed slightly. "Tara could have him if she wanted him."

"Oh, she could?" Stasia said, crossing her arms and leaning forward.

Ellie had always liked Stasia, even if they weren't usually in the same circles.

"No offense, Ellie," Heather said.

"Why do you hang out with her?" Nikki said. "She walks around with this att.i.tude like I'm a p.o.r.n star beneath my Gucci clothes."

Heather laughed. "Like I said, she could have Ryan if she wanted him."

"Don't listen to her," Stasia said. "Seriously. Why don't you shut up, Heather?"

But the seed was there, the doubt, the wonder. Ryan was looking at her again, and this time their eyes caught and held for a moment before his friends called his name and he turned away.

It was over. Ellie knew it, and surely he did too. And yet anger coursed through her at Heather's words. Ryan loved her. Not even a p.o.r.n star in Gucci could take that away, right?

Heather knew she'd rattled Ellie; it was written in her smug expression.

"Hey, let's get a drink," Stasia said, taking Ellie's hand. Ellie followed her to the kitchen, where the guys cheered loudly in front of a beer bong. Bly-the usual victim-was sitting pa.s.sed out in a chair with a top hat on his head and a mustache drawn above his lip.

"When are you leaving?" Ellie asked.

Stasia smiled with understanding. "I could go now."

"But have you been drinking?"

"Water," she said with a smile. "I have diabetes, so alcohol is out."

Ryan came up to Ellie and put his arm around her shoulders. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm catching a ride with Stasia."

"Why?" He held a half-empty beer bottle in his hand.

Since they started dating, Ryan had pretty much stopped drinking with his friends. Ellie hadn't asked him to, but he said that being with her made him want a better life. She thought of how happy he'd been with his sunset picnic just hours earlier, and her heart ached for him. She'd hurt him. But she didn't know how to make it better right now.

"I'm really tired, Ryan. Why don't I have Stasia take us both home?"

"I don't need a ride. I'll be fine."

He was drunk, or close to it. Ellie told Stasia to wait a minute so she could find someone to either help Ryan go with her or a.s.sure her that they'd take care of him. She walked past a couple making out in a chair and finally spotted Tank outside with Mitch's creepy dad. Tank was smoking a giant cigar, and Mitch's dad rose from his chair when he saw Ellie.

"I'm taking you home." Ryan was behind her.

"No, you aren't."

"I'm fine. And I want to take you. This was our date. So let me drive you home. I just want to ask you something."

Ellie poked her head out the door and called, "Tank, would you help, please?"

"Els." Ryan pulled at her arm, drawing her back inside.

Tank quickly took in the situation. He came over and put his arm around Ryan. "What's going on, man?"

"I need to take Els home."

"Listen, man, you aren't going. Get over it. We won't let you drive like this."

"Do you need a ride home?" Mitch's dad asked, his eyes glancing over Ellie.

"I have a ride, thanks," she said, looking around for Stasia.

"Els!" Ryan called.

"Man, let's get you to a chair," Tank said, leading Ryan toward the living room.

"Els, why don't you love me?"

The room's volume dropped dramatically low. Everyone looked at her, and then Ryan was there, taking her hands.

Ellie looked into his eyes and said softly, "Let's talk about this tomorrow, Ryan, okay?"

"But I want to know now."

His friends surrounded them. "We can get him."

"I've got to get Els home," he said as they pulled him toward the backyard door. "You know, Els, you don't open up. You're closed off-people don't know that. You're so nice and understanding. But who do you let understand you?"

Ellie stood there, unable to move. Her face turned hot with embarra.s.sment, even as she wondered if maybe he was right. Who did she confide in?

"I'll take you home," Mitch's dad said, trying to lead her toward the front door.

"Ready?" Stasia stood in the doorway, hands on her hips. She gave Mitch's dad a death stare.

"Yes," Ellie said.

They walked out of the house and down the walkway. They heard a noise behind them and turned to see Ryan stumble and fall over a hedge and into a flower bed. Tank jumped in to pull him back out, and Kevin hurried over to help. They carried Ryan into the house.

Kevin called, "He'll be okay. Just get out of here."