Enchanted Dreams Part 8

"Okay, but you mentioned that you gagged at one point. Would you say that you were somewhat repulsed while you were gagging?"

"I was immersed in playing the part. Even real actors sometimes do things they don't want to in order to be more convincing!"

I could think of no reply to this, so I simply persisted with the same line of questioning.

"But overall, Eleanor, while you were playacting at being a dog, what feelings were you experiencing?" I asked.

"I was happy," Eleanor replied straightaway. Perhaps even she noticed how mechanical this sounded, so she went on, struggling somewhat, but more thoughtfully this time. "I needed to do it," she said. "I felt like I really was his pet dog...like that was my purpose." After another moment, she added, "The s.e.x was incredible."

"In what way was it incredible?"

"The same," she said. "It was the thrill of being his pet and doing everything to please him. That's what dogs do."

"So you continued to play the part of a dog during s.e.x?"

"Yes!"

"Can you describe the pleasure you experienced during s.e.x?"

"I...It's hard to describe."

And as I continued to question Eleanor, my sense of foreboding increased. I felt we were touching upon issues here, but it was difficult to get to the source of them. The conundrum, of course, is that s.e.xual motivation is pretty subjective to individuals, especially in the realm of sadism. The submissive will always struggle to please the dominant partner, often in even more disturbing ways than what Eleanor has described. But generally speaking, their underlying motivation is not simply to please their partner. In a true submissive, there is a motivation beneath this motivation. Being dominated arouses the submissive, most often s.e.xually. Each act of domination excites them further. The more difficult the challenge put before them to "please" their partner, the more excited they become, which is why many of them will submit to extraordinary things, including pain. The euphoric sensations they get from submitting are more gratifying-and even, in some cases, empowering-than anything else they can imagine. And they are usually able to describe these euphoric sensations in great detail.

I cannot say for certain that Eleanor was simply playing the part of a submissive, yet my gut reaction to her responses is that a crucial element of their little "game" was missing, leaving me to wonder why she would go through the motions night after night. What was her motivation, if it wasn't s.e.xual? The desire to please one's partner, in and of itself, is not normally enough to induce one to eat dog food.

And yet, her desire to please her husband seems to have been as genuine as her grief now appears.

My initial impression that Eleanor is delusional seems more probable than ever. But why or how these delusions have come about I am not yet able to determine. I wonder how Dr. Czernick fits into all of this. At some point in their marriage, Eleanor was so unhappy with her husband that she sought marriage counseling. The happiness that she now describes must have come out of that counseling, or else it developed later, out of guilt following her husband's death. Eleanor has stated that her husband became more loving and committed during their couples' therapy, but I see no actual evidence that this is the case. Her sudden happiness seems to have miraculously appeared out of nowhere.

I have learned that Dr. Czernick is a big advocate of hypnosis. I wonder if this has affected Eleanor's impressions about her husband. The power of suggestion can be strong in some people. His high success rate with couples also comes to mind. I can't pinpoint what it is exactly, but I feel that there is something not quite right here.

Meanwhile, my fights with Tom are growing worse. He will not be put off, and I haven't the energy to deal with him. There's just so much on my plate right now with my growing practice; the last thing I want when I come home is confrontation. It might sound cliched, but I need s.p.a.ce. Tom, more than anyone, should understand this. Where was he all those years when I wanted to work on our marriage? He actually had the nerve to suggest we go to couples' therapy, and even mentioned Dr. Czernick, of all people!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009.

Today I confronted Eleanor Dobbs with two lists. The first was a list of her husband's behavior before they went to therapy and the second was a list of his behavior after. The lists were so similar as to be almost the same. The only apparent distinction between the two, in fact, was that Mr. Dobb's efforts appeared to become even less genuine after therapy than they had been before.

To ill.u.s.trate this, I reminded Eleanor what she had told me about her s.e.x life with her husband. She had stated that one of the issues she had prior to counseling was that his overbearing manner left her feeling demeaned and turned off. She named several things in particular that bothered her, such as pus.h.i.+ng her head down toward his p.e.n.i.s in an effort to get oral s.e.x from her, or often wanting to tie her up during s.e.x. Her response to this behavior at that time was to avoid s.e.x with him altogether. This is shockingly inconsistent with what she told me last week, and even today when we discussed it. She said that she began to intentionally wear her hair in pigtails so that her husband could grasp hold of them and force her to take more of him into her mouth and throat whenever he chose to do so. Furthermore, in the months preceding her husband's death, they were almost never intimate without her being restrained in some way, whether she was chained to a wall by her gold-studded collar, or tied up with her nylons, ankles to wrists, to make her body more accessible to him. She not only cooperated with all of his requests, but actively conspired with him over them-all for the pleasure of pleasing him!

When challenged with these examples taken from her very own statements, Eleanor was at first confused, but then became angry. In spite of my efforts, she remains obstinate in her delusion that her husband did change for the better in therapy and that he had begun to make her "happy."

My curiosity finally got the better of me, and this afternoon I ran a background check on Dr. Czernick. I'm not sure what I expected to find but I was a little disappointed when there wasn't much there. He's achieved most of his acclaim through his recent success in couples' therapy. He published a few articles about his philosophies on treating couples, which I found somewhat interesting but not enlightening in Eleanor Dobbs's case. About a decade or so ago, he had been a.s.sociated with a research facility by the name of Cyndo-Kline Laboratories. I couldn't find much on them-they have since gone out of business-except that a drug they created was turned down by the FDA. Probably it's nothing, but I have an old acquaintance at the FDA-Monte or Mick, is it? He may remember something about Cyndo-Kline and their drug. I'll put in a call to him.

Last night, out of boredom more than anything else, I finally gave in and had s.e.x with Tom. My emotions throughout were strangely mixed. At first, his touch actually repelled me; I have so much resentment stored up against him. His hands felt prying and intrusive, particularly when he reached under my clothing. There was an a.s.sertiveness in his manner that seemed antagonistic to me. He touched me with a kind of owners.h.i.+p that caused my skin to recoil under his fingertips and every fiber of my being to be repulsed.

Yet I was strangely aware of it from his vantage point, too. Here was the man who had married me believing that this would be one of his regular conjugal benefits. Back then I couldn't get enough of him, although things have changed so much since then. I could tell that he was filled with resentment, too; I could feel it in his probing touch as he moved over me with an air of ent.i.tlement. And I understood him perfectly in that moment. I knew that the greater part of his pleasure was in getting me to submit.

Meanwhile, the repulsion I initially felt from his touch quickly transformed into a strangely powerful sensation that was more erotic than anything I could remember experiencing with Tom before. It seemed as if we had reached a temporary breaking point, where Tom finally a.s.serted himself and I acquiesced. It would have been equally exciting for me had it been the other way around, which is why I understood how Tom felt and was able to appreciate it for what it was. But the knowledge that Tom would never comprehend my need sometimes to dominate as well, made the moment bittersweet.

The s.e.x, once I fully submitted, was actually pretty good. It was as if I had crossed a threshold from the old habit of holding back into a new dimension of giving up all that I had to give. The decision to actually let go and accept it was the hardest part, because it meant letting go of my anger and resentment and putting aside the belief that I am right and have been wronged. It meant allowing myself to take and give pleasure to the person who has been causing me all of this anguish. It was quite liberating and gave me a bit of insight into the world of s.e.xual submission (I couldn't help but think of Eleanor). I was still aware of each and every hurt, but these only made the pleasure all the more poignant when I, for example, took him in my mouth while remembering all his cruel taunts about how I rarely gave him this pleasure and, when I did, how miserably I failed to please. Recalling these experiences seemed to actually enhance my pleasure as I made the extra effort to please him now. I found these thoughts so exciting that I wondered if my submission would have been half so pleasurable without this bitter edge to it!

Tom did not appear to notice any struggle within me, being too caught up in taking full advantage of the situation. This, too, suited my sudden need to have him be the strong, dominant male. He ravaged me completely and this morning I awoke with a few mildly aching reminders.

Immediately after it was over last night, Tom instantly returned to his weaker self, complaining petulantly that we weren't intimate like this more often. My resentment returned with renewed strength, along with a strong regret for having submitted to him. But strangely, all of this that is happening with Tom only manages to absorb the tiniest bit of my attention. It is no more than a distraction, really (perhaps that was why I was able to submit to begin with). I find that I am immersed in my patients' lives much more than I am in my own. There are simply too many issues on my mind at the moment for me to worry about Tom.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009.

Eleanor Dobbs and I continue to discuss the discrepancies between her memories of her marriage and the reality. Perhaps I should be more indulgent in light of her obvious grief issues, but I am trying to find out how her therapy with Dr. Czernick works into all of this. I am convinced that Eleanor is delusional, but I don't know if Dr. Czernick has a part in it. Eleanor defends her husband's behavior with the mechanical single-mindedness of a Stepford Wife.

I finally reached my friend (Mortt) at the FDA. He was very curious to know why I was inquiring about the research conducted at Cyndo-Kline, but I was careful to tell him as little as possible. He remembered the company and the drug they submitted called Zeldane. It was presented as a treatment for insomnia. Mortt could not recall all of the details, but he did remember that it was rejected due to side effects.

This will all probably amount to little more than a huge waste of my time, but for some reason I want to know more about Dr. Czernick and his drug. I asked Eleanor today if Dr. Czernick had prescribed anything during her treatment with him and she said that he had not.

Tom has reverted back to his usual pa.s.sive-aggressive self, brooding and morose, playing the part of the longsuffering husband to the hilt. Every now and then, he makes some feeble attempt at an appearance of conciliation but I have come to believe that he does these things only to add credence to his belief that he is the victim. He sent me flowers again today! No matter how many times he sends them, it never quite loses its ability to irritate me. And this is the crux of the matter between us. Tom will not capitulate to me on any single thing, not even when he is giving me a gift! I would rather he a.s.sert himself in other ways, instead of stubbornly clinging to his outdated modes of pleasing a woman which this woman does not find pleasing.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009.

I continue to attempt a breakthrough with Eleanor Dobbs, even though I realize I may be pus.h.i.+ng her too hard. She seems frustrated and discouraged when I persist in questioning her over the lists. But I can't help reminding her that, at one point, these behaviors bothered her so much that she sought counseling. How is it that those same behaviors suddenly became a source of happiness for her. However, I cannot get her to explain or even acknowledge these inconsistencies.

It calls to mind the psychological journals I read in college about propaganda and mind control. Eleanor's responses to my questions are too automatic and mechanical, reminding me of victims of brainwas.h.i.+ng.

These impressions I have in Eleanor Dobbs's case have been amplified by the recent information I found on Dr. Czernick's research drug. I was finally able to learn that Zeldane came from a distant strain of the popular "Z-drugs," nonbenzodiazepines that act within the central nervous system like the benzodiazepines, but without the addictive properties. Zeldane, it seems, also has many of the same properties as sodium pentothal (truth serum), and was originally thought to be a better, nonaddictive choice for therapists who use that drug in therapy. However, in clinical tests, Zeldane was found to cause amnesia and promote acute hallucinations in the patients that partic.i.p.ated.

I feel that I am onto something important here, and yet it is hard for me to accept what I'm thinking. Both amnesia and hallucinations would be useful tools for brainwas.h.i.+ng. But this fits together rather too neatly, which makes me think it could all be a bizarre coincidence. I'm not confident that I'm altogether objective about this, either. From the onset I have distrusted Dr. Czernick and his methods in couples' therapy, and my skepticism has likely clouded my judgment. I must proceed carefully. While my instincts are almost frantic with alarm (another reason to proceed with caution), my more practical side tells me that my a.s.sumptions are preposterous. What is the likelihood that there is a connection here (it would be tantamount to mind control!)? And aside from all of this, I know that I am obsessing over this too much.

I can't even think about Tom right now. And of course, with his usual self-absorbed sense of timing, he wants resolutions right this minute! I find it impossible, sometimes, to remember why I ever married him.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009.

My focus today with Eleanor Dobbs was to try and pinpoint the exact moment when her feelings about her husband's behavior began to change. When did his actions stop annoying her and begin to make her happy? It was extremely difficult to get answers from her because her memory of her sessions alone with Dr. Czernick is almost completely erased. Of course, this is often the case with hypnosis. Although I could not locate a specific time or event that would enlighten me on what caused the change to come about, it has become apparent that it began to happen after about three of Eleanor's sessions alone with Dr. Czernick. I questioned her again about any medications administered or prescribed, but she insists that there were none.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to find out more about Zeldane. It's difficult with the research lab closed down and disa.s.sembled. I would have liked to have spoken to some of the patients who partic.i.p.ated in the test studies, but I have no way of knowing who they were. I remember Mortt mentioned a compet.i.tive pharmaceutical company being involved in this, as well. They were opposed to Zeldane coming onto the market. It's very possible that their opposition was prompted by their own interests as a compet.i.tor, but clearly they must have had some information about the drug. They were instrumental in getting the FDA to reject it. It's hard to say whether or not their information will be reliable, given the source. These drug companies are extremely compet.i.tive, and the actual performance of the drugs can be secondary to the interests of the big companies invested in them. Even so, I would like to take a closer look at the actual clinical data on the patients who used Zeldane. I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with Dr. Lang, who prepared the clinical findings on Zeldane for the opposing company. I will speak with him the beginning of next week.

Tom seemed different when he confronted me last night. He was angry and forceful, issuing ultimatums. I can see that he is getting more and more frustrated, and I am, too. The tables have certainly turned since a few years ago! But now that I am the one engrossed in my work, I find it ironic that Tom is so unsympathetic. He suddenly and unexpectedly decides he wants to work on our marriage, and now I'm supposed to drop everything and jump in line? I couldn't do that even if I wanted to, and I'm not sure that I do. All the former neglect has forced me to become more invested in my work and I actually find it much more gratifying than being Tom's wife. Tom claims that his preoccupation with work was out of necessity, whereas mine is merely an escape. Very profound for an engineer, but I couldn't help reminding him that I am the trained psychotherapist! And of course, he couldn't resist pointing out that it was his working overtime that put me through school in the first place. Everything is always about him!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009.

I think I may be nearing a breakthrough with Eleanor Dobbs. She seems to be susceptible to deprogramming therapy, such as used on victims of brainwas.h.i.+ng. This is experimental at this stage. If she responds to the therapy, it will confirm my suspicions. But the therapy is tedious and time-consuming, so a definitive answer may not be soon in coming. As well, it is clear that Eleanor's case is different than most cases of brainwas.h.i.+ng. More than enough time has pa.s.sed for a kind of natural deprogramming to have begun to take effect-even without therapy, it is inevitable that her own thoughts will begin to a.s.sert themselves again once the source of the brainwas.h.i.+ng has been removed. Whether the source was her husband or the counseling, she is going on a year now and her delusional thinking appears to be gaining in strength. This seems to support the idea that the problem lies within her, rather than with an outside influence.

This brings me to my discussion with Dr. Lang yesterday. He referred to his notes throughout our conversation, offering no speculations of his own about how the drug Zeldane might be used. He very simply reiterated what I had already learned about the drug up to that point. I questioned him in particular about the hallucinations, but the data was not very detailed. He did recall one man who had taken Zeldane as a sleep aid just before his house caught on fire. For a long time after the incident, the man's wife claimed that he would wake up during the night with hallucinations of the fire-exactly as if it were happening-over and over again. He had no memory of these hallucinations in the morning.

This has got me thinking, but I want to do some research before I form a hypothesis about what might be happening.

Tom was once again issuing ultimatums last night and before I even realized what I was doing, I had agreed to seek counseling with him. But it was not really for our marriage that I acquiesced. While Tom was ranting, I had an idea. I happen to know that I am not susceptible to hypnosis, but if I were to go through the motions and allow Dr. Czernick to believe I was hypnotized, I might be able to find out how he achieves such incredible influence over his patients, if, in fact, this is the case. I will, of course, record the entire session in the event that I do, at any point, lose consciousness, and then I'll examine the tapes after the fact. This is perhaps a bit unorthodox, and no doubt risky, but I'm too excited to worry about the risks. I have to admit I'm enjoying the intrigue of this mystery that could potentially become a scandal of monumental proportions. I can't even say why, but I have a strong feeling that there is something very scandalous beneath this blanket of "happy" couples. I am surprised, frankly, that Dr. Czernick's success has pa.s.sed without closer scrutiny so far. Anyone who works with couples would agree, I am sure, that even the most loving couples can grow apart and, more often than not, it becomes healthier for them to move away from the relations.h.i.+p if they are to reach their true potential as individuals.

I have already scheduled our first appointment with Dr. Czernick! I did it first thing this morning. Since I still have some time open on Tuesdays, it looks like that will be the best day for it. Tom appeared shocked when I called to tell him I scheduled the appointment. Naturally, I have not mentioned any of my suspicions about Dr. Czernick to Tom.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009.

I'm continuing the deprogramming therapy with Eleanor Dobbs until I have a better diagnosis. I must say I see very little result from it so far, but then again, it is too soon. I will have to watch and see how things proceed.

Tom and I had our first session with Dr. Czernick today. I have to admit that I felt rather foolish about my suspicions while sitting in the very ordinary-looking office of this plainspoken older gentleman. I felt a sense of impropriety toward a fellow psychotherapist, as well.

The session itself began as it might have in my own office. Tom and I each, in turn, had an opportunity to voice our grievances against the other. Tom went first, droning on and on about how selfish I am and then he went into his tirade about how I don't appreciate anything he does and so forth. There wasn't anything he said that I hadn't heard a million times before. But when my turn came, I was surprised to find that I had no shortage of complaints about him, either. There was no need to embellish or make things up; my antipathy for Tom has escalated to the point where his every action has become a source of irritation for me. Voicing my feelings out loud to Dr. Czernick made me realize that Tom and I should most definitely separate. I said as much to Dr. Czernick.

This took up about forty minutes. Then, Dr. Czernick gave us a brief overview of his therapeutic methods, all of which I was aware of already. He then set up a few ground rules-nothing out of the ordinary-such as that Tom and I avoid discussing these issues at home from now on and so forth. He told us he would be seeing us separately for the first month or so, alternating between us each week. We each signed a consent form to be hypnotized. It was agreed that I would have the first appointment on the following week.

I've been second-guessing my speculations quite a bit since my meeting with Dr. Czernick. I want to look more carefully at Eleanor Dobbs in the sessions to come. My a.s.sumptions about her psychosis could be influenced by my first impressions of Dr. Czernick. As a psychotherapist, I know that it normally takes much longer to effect a change in a patient than the amount of time she and her husband saw Dr. Czernick. I must explore other aspects of her background that may be critical in her delusional behavior. I could very well be missing a deeper issue. This is not to say that my suspicions have been alleviated, only that I see now that I have been too fixated on my suspicions about Dr. Czernick to be objective.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009.

After listening to the tape of my session today with Dr. Czernick twice since coming back to my office, I still can't say for certain what happened. I was able to be hypnotized after all. For that period of time, at least, I am forced to determine the events from what I can hear on the tape.

But first I want to review the entire session so that I will have it doc.u.mented. I'll also note here that I once again felt a sense of impropriety over "spying" on Dr. Czernick in this way. He has a very simple, matter-of-fact manner that leaves me feeling rather irrational.

Dr. Czernick was all business, immediately instructing me to lay back on a very comfortable lounge-type divan. My tiny, high-frequency tape recorder, which is made to look like a cell phone, was already running, smoothly and silently where it was strapped to an outer pocket of my handbag.

Dr. Czernick sat in a chair about a foot away from me, to my right, and asked me to relax. There was a very low-volume music playing in the background. He attached a blood-pressure check to the middle finger of my right hand. So far, all of this was standard.

Once I had settled in, Dr. Czernick began to instruct me on my breathing. I obeyed his commands and felt myself gradually relaxing. Throughout the process, he continued his instructions for me to breathe slower, breathe through my mouth, then through my nose, etc., also offering phrases of affirmation in between, such as "all is well," "life is a journey," "you can feel your problems floating away," and so forth. Some of these I felt were a bit cliched, but of course, these comments do have their effect, and I found myself becoming more relaxed and developing a more positive frame of mind. In listening to the tape afterward, I recalled feeling very open to suggestion. However, this is not only normal but acceptable in therapy, so nothing Dr. Czernick said could be, on the surface, construed in a negative light.

Throughout the encounter, and even after I had reached a fully relaxed state, Dr. Czernick never let up with the gentle commands relating to my breathing, posture, etc. In between these commands, which were designed to distract my conscious mind so that he could probe my unconscious, he would ask me leading questions. For example, he began by questioning me on the matter of the flowers, saying, "Please breathe out through your lips as you answer. Why do you think Tom Tom brings you flowers?" I concentrated on my breathing and responded, "Tom knows I don't care for flowers." To this Dr. Czernick countered, "Please breathe into your words this time as you answer. Why does Tom bring you flowers?" This time I responded with, "I don't know why Tom brings me flowers." Undaunted, Dr. Czernick continued. "Breathe a single breath out through each word as you answer. Why do you think Tom brings you flowers?" And so it went, until my conscious mind stopped fighting and I found myself admitting that Tom probably wasn't trying to annoy me when he brought me flowers. There was most certainly a leading quality to Dr. Czernick's questions, but in listening to them afterward, it would be difficult to present a case against him for this. It could be argued that all therapists, especially those who practice hypnosis, are attempting to lead their patients toward the conclusions we think are best for them. It could also be argued, for that matter, that this power of suggestion is exactly what people are looking for when they seek hypnosis, such as in the case of smokers.

After a while, I lost consciousness. Yet I continued to mechanically respond to Dr. Czernick's questions, which were persistent and repet.i.tive like the beating of a drum.

About midway through this period of unconsciousness, there was a moment in the taping when I felt Dr. Czernick might have administered something to me, had he been inclined to do so. I was in the middle of a statement and abruptly stopped speaking. Having no recollection of the moment now, I can't be certain why I stopped, but the strange thing was that Dr. Czernick did not appear to notice my faltering at all. In fact, he simply issued his next question along with another breathing instruction. This distracted me from whatever it was that had given me pause, and I simply resumed answering his questions while attempting to follow his instructions.

I should note here that since I left Dr. Czernick's office, I have searched all over my body and can find no evidence of a needle p.r.i.c.k anywhere. I am fairly certain that I would have been able to tell if I had been given something-there would have been some visible mark, or if not that, then a slight discomfort that I would be able to detect. But even the most thorough search could produce no sign of anything having penetrated my skin. Furthermore, there were no other indications that I might have been administered a drug.

A few moments after this incident on the tape, there was another thing that I noticed. There was a change-very slight, imperceptible to most, perhaps-but I got the distinct impression that my replies were becoming markedly less confident. Another thing I noticed was that, at this point, Dr. Czernick's questions were gradually becoming more like statements. These statements were extremely positive and, on the surface, they appeared to be little more than positive affirmations. However, having listened to them several times now on the tape, I feel that they were predominantly in Tom's favor. For instance, Dr. Czernick would say, "Wouldn't you agree, Angela, that every gift, whether it be flowers or diamonds, is a gesture of love that should bring joy?" or, "Are you aware, Angela, that pleasing your husband is tantamount to pleasing yourself?" Toward the end of our session, his statements turned toward the therapy, with the clear objective of getting me, the patient, to embrace it.

None of this is especially unusual in any way, and I find myself feeling a little discouraged. Eleanor Dobbs would have had to be extremely susceptible to the power of suggestion for this therapy to account for her deep-rooted delusions about her husband. It is more likely that she had existing issues that Dr. Czernick's therapy only compounded. The only variable that remains unknown is whether or not she was exposed to any drugs that might have significantly enhanced the effects of his treatment.

I personally feel that Dr. Czernick's session had practically no effect on me whatsoever. Listening to the tapes helped me realize that I haven't put forth any real effort toward my marriage lately, but aside from that, which I already knew, it was pretty ineffectual, and even a little primitive. If I were actively trying to save my marriage, would I feel differently? Perhaps, but what I have seen so far does not seem to account for Dr. Czernick's incredible success in the field of marriage counseling. I wonder if he may have held something back because of my being a fellow therapist. I continue to puzzle over this enigma.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009.

It was Tom's turn with Dr. Czernick this week. I'm not sure I will continue seeing him myself. I feel very disturbed and out of sorts.

At the mention of Dr. Czernick's name when Tom brought it up this morning, I suddenly had a flashback that I was being hypnotized. But I am almost positive that it was not the event itself I was seeing, but an extremely vivid dream. Whatever it was, it was frighteningly familiar, and I had the distinct impression that I had relived it over and over again since the event. Perhaps it was only a flashback of my subconscious state while being hypnotized.

The frightening thing-the thought I had in that first instant when the flashback occurred-was what Dr. Lang had told me about Zeldane's hallucinations. They were often replays of the actual events taking place during the time period that the patient was under its influence. I thought of the man whose house had caught on fire.

It occurred to me suddenly that if these dreams were actually hallucinations, they could be having the effect of hypnotizing me over and over again in my sleep!

But as the day wore on, I had the sense of how preposterous this idea really was. Working with Eleanor Dobbs intensified this impression. She is not responding at all to the deprogramming therapy. And yet, if she were still being hypnotized through hallucinations in her dreams...

After Eleanor left, I listened once again to the tape of my first session with Dr. Czernick. Hearing his bland voice reiterating the positive affirmations made it hard to defend my suspicions. I feel like I have been reaching somewhat in my effort to get something on Dr. Czernick. But why? Is it because subconsciously I am resentful of his success? Is my dissatisfaction with my marriage and my difficulties with my patients causing me to seek some kind of intrigue as a way of escape? I don't know that I can answer these questions objectively.

As for Tom, I must say that he appears to be trying especially hard to please me. He has not brought up any of his usual grievances, and we've actually been able to talk and laugh together in conversation. I suppose he, unlike me, is approaching the marriage counseling with the hope of things getting better between us. I wonder if Tom's session will be similar to mine. If only I could listen in on that one!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009.

Despite my misgivings, I saw Dr. Czernick again today. This session went much as the first one had, except that his questions and statements were blatantly more focused on Tom this time. It was apparent that he was attempting to get me to look at things from Tom's perspective. His questions and statements were of a nature to encourage me to consider Tom's feelings rather than my own. He repeatedly delved into the past, when Tom and I first dated, but in a random manner, and I couldn't form a clear idea about where he was going with it, even in listening to the tape after the fact. No doubt he was trying to open my mind to Tom's point of view while reminding me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Here again, developing empathy for one's partner is a crucial part of maintaining a relations.h.i.+p and often will be taught in couples' therapy, but the way in which this was done is certainly questionable. There was a definite sense of being manipulated. But there's a fine line here, because in a sense, hypnosis is nothing at all if not the power of suggestion. I am not an authority in the field of hypnosis, but my understanding is that this power of suggestion is normally only as potent as the individual's beliefs in what is being conveyed. And indeed, I could feel myself resisting and rejecting some of the more self-effacing suggestions that Dr. Czernick put to me. If one went solely by the tapes, there would be little more than enough to raise an eyebrow.

But I continue to feel the nagging sense of alarm, especially since the peculiar interruption that occurred in the middle of my first session repeated itself in today's session. It was no more than a little blip in the proceedings, probably unnoticeable to anyone else, but I can't quite express the effect it had on me to hear it happen again. It was as conspicuous to me as a scream. But I know that it would be hard to explain it to anyone else and get the same response. It was once again about halfway through the session, at the peak of my unconsciousness. Something happened-I am certain of it-something distracted me in the middle of answering one of Dr. Czernick's questions. This time I made a small sound, no more than a gasp, really, but before I could protest further, Dr. Czernick instantly and smoothly filled in the gap with his next question and I, being in a state of unconsciousness, was easily distracted from whatever it was that had disrupted me. What was it that stopped me short and made me gasp? A needle p.r.i.c.k would have that effect. And after the interruption, the therapy once again became more intense, with Dr. Czernick's comments becoming even more persuasive.

And yet again, I cannot find any evidence at all that I was drugged or tampered with in any way, either physically or psychologically. And in the end, even the hypnosis treatment has had almost no effect on me. I feel that my outlook is exactly as it was before.

Yet I can see a clear difference in Tom's behavior during this week since his session, which undermines my earlier supposition that Dr. Czernick was favoring him. When I asked him about his session, he said he couldn't remember anything about it. It would appear that Tom underwent the same treatment that I did, except Dr. Czernick must have given him suggestions favoring my point of view. And Tom, being more desirous of a reconciliation between us, and, too, being more susceptible to the hypnosis, has no doubt embraced the suggestions made by Dr. Czernick-much like Eleanor Dobbs had. How else could such a drastic change in his behavior have come about? He has been wonderfully attentive, asking me questions about even the smallest details of my day. And last night I came home to the most splendid, home-cooked Italian meal, with tortellini steeped in a fabulous white sauce. It is hard to remain indifferent when someone is making such a genuine effort. I can't help thinking of the man he was when we first fell in love, so many years ago. But I wonder how much of his behavior is the hypnosis and how much is really Tom. And does it matter? I don't know. Frankly, I am simply glad that things are going more smoothly between us now, so that I can focus more on what is happening in my practice.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009.

Today I set aside the deprogramming therapy with Eleanor Dobbs and allowed her to simply discuss her feelings about her husband. There is an obsessive quality to her personality I hadn't picked up on before. This could be playing a part in her inability to grieve her loss and move on. Although she is still young enough, she doesn't even appear to consider the prospect of finding another man. It's like she is still living the memories, and seems satisfied to settle for that. Her connection with her husband appears to grow stronger with every day that pa.s.ses.

The discussion once again turned to her s.e.x life with her husband. As I listened to her, I struggled again to identify the motivating force behind her absolute compliance with all of his requests. I contemplated the source of her inflexible devotion. Night after night, she would crawl around on the floor, playing dead or chasing b.a.l.l.s in a never-ending desire to please him. Why?

"...and he spread it all around the area," she was saying. "I waited, perfectly still, until he gave me the command and then I rushed forward. Dogs love honey, and so I began lapping it up, licking all around his b.a.l.l.s to get every bit that I could..."

"Why is it," I interrupted her suddenly to ask, "that you always played the part of a dog?" At her confused expression, I added, "Why not a cat?"

She wrinkled her nose. "He hated cats. He would never have had a cat."

"Okay, then how about a...bird?"

She snorted and just looked at me as if I were insane.

"Could you have played the part of a bird, do you think?" I pressed.

She thought about it. "No," she said at last. "I can't even imagine doing that."

"Back in the very beginning when this started-the night your husband first gave you the collar-had you ever imagined being a dog before?"

She thought about this. "No..." she answered slowly.

I took my time, too. I wasn't even really sure what I was looking for.

"Why were you able to play the part of his dog so well?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess maybe...I wanted to do it well."

"Every time?"

"What?"

"You wanted to do it well every time-it was nearly every night that you did it once you got the collar, right-and you always wanted to perform well for him, every night?"