By Honor Bound Part 16

"At least I know now that Patric is alive," Fionna sobbed. "I should be happy about that, but I miss him so much."

"I wish I could help you. I don't like to see you unhappy."

"Don't you ever miss him, Elen? Don't you ever think about him?"

"How could I? I have a husband now. I scarcely remember what Patric looks like." She would notadmit, even to herself, that she could still feel crisp auburn curls beneath her fingers, still remember thetouch of a wide, warm mouth on hers. She turned away from Fionna with a vaguely guilty feeling. "I mustspeak to Talcoran.' '12 January to September 1041.

Shortly after the twelve days of Christmas feasting were over, Elen began to believe her hopes would be realized. By early February she was certain. She waited to tell Talcoran until they were snuggled together, warm and peaceful after an evening of lovemaking.

"I am with child," she said.

"You have made me very happy," he told her between kisses. "It could not have come at a better time, now that we have put away our swords. With a strong and just king we will have peace. Our sons will grow up in a land that is prosperous and peaceful."

"Strange words for so fierce a warrior," Elen teased him.

"I want no more battles. I want you and our child, nothing else."

Within a week Talcoran had decided it was time for them to make their long-overdue journey to Laggan.

"I should see my new lands," he told her, "and I want our son to be born at the place that will be his home."

Fionna and Conal were returning to Fife for the birth of their own child in early June.

"As soon as I am well enough to travel, we will come to you at Laggan and stay until your babe is born," Fionna promised. "You should not be alone with only servants to attend you for your first child."

"If this continues, I will soon have none of my ladies left to attend me." Gruach was only half joking. "I must give both of you my blessing, since your husbands wish you to go, but promise to return to my service as quickly as possible. I love you both, and I will miss you terribly."

Elen had never felt so well. Unlike some of her friends among the queen's ladies, she suffered only a few days of morning nausea before her body adjusted to pregnancy. Now, in the spring of her eighteenth year, she was blooming. Her skin had taken on a soft, rosy sheen. Her figure had lost its youthful angularity. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, formerly small, delicately rounded globes, had enlarged to rich, womanly mounds and become exquisitely sensitive, a fact that delighted Talcoran when he discovered it.

He had been reluctant to touch her after she told him she carried his child, fearing he might harm her or the baby if he continued his frequent, vigorous lovemaking. Elen soon changed his mind. Always receptive to his advances, she endured her enforced celibacy for just two nights before becoming the aggressor "You must not neglect me again, Talcoran. I cannot bear it," she said. "I need you."

He stretched beside her, sated and at peace.

"I am glad to hear it," he said. "I thought I would go mad. I need you, too, Elen."

In late March, they set out for Laggan. They traveled slowly, Talcoran insisting that Elen must not overtire herself. She rode the tamest of palfreys, Ava riding beside her in case she should want something. With Talcoran close by, Elen thought only once or twice of her last trip along this path through the forest wilderness, when Patric had taken her to court. That earlier journey seemed to her now to have taken place in another lifetime, when she had been a shy, innocent girl, fearful of the future.

The trip was uneventful, and on a soft, early spring evening they came at last to Laggan. The sky was a delicate blue, fading to pink in the west. A crescent moon was reflected in the gently ruffled waters of Loch Laggan. The silhouette of Laggan Castle loomed beside the lake, solid and comforting. Behind the log palisade they could see the outline of the peaked roof of the great hall, and the two-storied living quarters attached to the hall. The kitchen and storage rooms, stables and outbuildings spread out on the opposite side of the great hall, ending in the cl.u.s.ter of turf and stone cottages where servants and a few of the farmers lived.

"There is our home," Elen said, and felt Talcoran's hand covering hers in the gathering dusk. His face was in shadow, but she sensed his pleasure.

Old Dougal was a little greyer and a bit more wrinkled, but his eyes still sparkled and his step was firm.

"I welcome you, my lord," he said to Talcoran with great formality. "Welcome to the new Thane of Laggan. And welcome to you, too, lady."

When she removed her cloak, Dougal noted Elen's expanded waistline.

"So we will soon have young ones running about," he said with a broad smile. "It will bring some life into this lonely place. Your father would be pleased, lady."

That night the Thane of Laggan slept in the master's bedchamber, and made love to his wife until it was nearly dawn.

The days ran into one another in a sunny, peaceful blur. Talcoran took control of his new lands as though he had always been a n.o.bleman, making changes with a sure sense of what was right, bringing his intensity and his own sense of purpose to Laggan. Elen observed him with growing admiration as, with a diplomatic skill worthy of Macbeth himself, Talcoran overcame the resistance of the people of Laggan to new ideas.

Even Dougal, at first reserved and wary, was won over by his new master. Talcoran rode out occasionally to oversee the troops of Macbeth's men who patrolled this part of Alba, keeping the king's order. When he did so, he left Dougal in command of the castle, stating that he had full confidence in Dougal's reliability and loyalty.

While Talcoran made the lands of Laggan his own, Elen bustled about the castle, ordering rooms cleaned, inspecting the larder, preparing for the guests they expected later in the summer and for the baby she wanted so much. She chose the room where her child would be born, and she and Ava prepared linen cloths for the birth, and swaddling clothes for the new baby.

A messenger arrived from Fife with the news that Fionna had been safely delivered of a second son, on the first of June.

"A good omen," Talcoran promised that evening as the household drank a toast to the Thane of Fife and his family. "Now I am certain that ours will be a healthy son, too."

As the summer progressed and Elen grew steadily larger, she no longer moved with her old light step. She sat more often, and complained of an aching back. One night, after an awkward coupling, Talcoran pulled her against him and nuzzled at her neck.

"This must be the last time until the child is born, Elen. I would not harm either of you."

"No," she protested, "I don't want to sleep alone." Her days had been full, and with Talcoran beside her each night, possessing her body until she fell into satisfied slumber, she had not had time for the terrors that consumed other pregnant women.

"I am your husband, and I order this. After tonight you will sleep in the room you have prepared for the birth. I cannot lie in the same bed with you and not touch you."

He was her lord, and she must do as he commanded, but now Elen found her confidence deserting her. She lay alone in her new, small room with Ava snoring softly on a pallet nearby and worried, while all of the night demons she had previously rejected gnawed at her mind. Even the charmstone Talcoran had given her, which she kept in its carved box by her bed, seemed to have lost its magic.

Worse even than her fears for herself and her child was her concern for her marriage. She had never doubted Talcoran's fidelity, but how could a man as vigorous, as virile as he endure months of abstinence? She began to eye the women of the household, wondering if he took one of them to his bed in her absence. They were an unlikely lot. Most of them were too old or too young or too dirty, and she knew Talcoran was fastidious. But if he was desperate, anything was possible.

She found herself watching Ava, who was young and plump and pretty, although she knew full well that Ava was preoccupied with Talcoran's aide, Drust. In her year and a half at court, Elen had learned to accept many things that would have shocked the naive girl she had once been. One of those things was that it was not at all unusual for a man to lie with his wife's personal servant if the wife were not available. Talcoran was seldom seen in the same room with Ava, but that meant nothing.

Elen became even rounder and more awkward, and her hands and feet began to swell. Her head ached every day. She was ugly and lonely and certain that Talcoran must be unfaithful. She clung to the charmstone he had given her, as if that would keep him close to her. She slept with it under her pillow.

That summer was unusually hot and airless. The fields were heavy with ripening grain. Early apples dropped from the trees and lay on the ground, their pungent odor as they rotted speaking to Elen of autumn and decay and death.

Then in mid-August Fionna and her family came to Laggan like a crisp breeze, dispelling morbid thoughts and unhealthy fears. At a year and a half, Fionna's red-haired son Keith toddled about on unsteady feet, getting in everyone's way and generating frequent laughter with his damp, toothy smile and his tendency to sit down in the most unlikely places. The new baby, named Ewen, was plump and sweet-smelling and slept most of the time.

The day after their arrival, Talcoran and Conal rode off to meet with some of Macbeth's men who patrolled Laggans.h.i.+re, leaving the women alone. It took Fionna less than half of that day to drag out of Elen all the dark imaginings that had tormented her for weeks. Characteristically, Fionna addressed first the problem most important to Elen.

"Talcoran is not unfaithful," she said flatly, shaking Elen a little. "He adores you. He has said nothing to me, but I suspect from the way he watches you that he is worried about you, just as Conal worries about me when I am with child. He doesn't talk about his feelings because he doesn't want to frighten you."

"I am so ugly." Elen covered her face with her hands. "I can't bear to look in the mirror."

"I always feel that way, too. It will be much better once the baby comes." Fionna was briskly sensible. "I admit you are very large, but you look perfectly healthy to me. Come for a short walk. You need to get out of this hot room. It is cooler by the loch. We can talk more there. Ava, bring some cus.h.i.+ons for your mistress to sit on if she tires." As Ava ran to do her bidding, Fionna giggled. "Surely you can't imagine Talcoran would want that silly girl? My dear, I think the heat has addled your wits."

One week later, Elen was awakened toward dawn by a sharp pain in her lower back. Thinking that, like so many recent aches and pains, it would go away if she walked a bit, she got out of bed.

Ava, who had been sleeping on the floor at the foot of her mistress's bed, scrambled to her feet at Elen's surprised cry. A gush of water poured onto the chamber floor, soaking Elen's nightdress.

"What is it?" Elen stared down at the lower half of her body in blank astonishment. "What has happened to me?"

"It is your time, mistress. We should call the lady Fionna."

"No, not yet. She will still be asleep. I think you are mistaken, Ava. I feel nothing." "You will," Ava promised. "You will." Elen walked, dragging the damp s.h.i.+ft about her ankles, back and forth across the room, until she was sure there would be a deep groove worn in the stone floor.

As soon as the castle began to stir with the day's activities, Fionna was summoned. She arrived with a shawl wrapped over her nightdress, her red-gold curls tumbling down her back. She shot one knowing look at her damp, bedraggled friend and took immediate command of all arrangements.

"Ava, get that soiled s.h.i.+ft off her at once. You should have had sense enough to do that without me telling you. Elen, keep walking. I'll be back as soon as I dress." Fionna paused at the door. "I'll send my maidservant to help with the preparations. She was with me when Ewen was born. She will know what to do."

Ava helped Elen into a clean s.h.i.+ft of heavy, coa.r.s.e linen. The maid Fionna sent arrived with a bundle of fresh rushes, and together she and Ava strewed them on the floor. The clean straw mattress on which Elen would give birth was laid on top of the rushes.

Meanwhile, encouraged by the two women, Elen walked, back and forth, back and forth.

"Good, that's fine." Fionna had returned. "We will need warm water to wash the babe when it is born. I want the bed aired and freshly made up, so it will be ready for your mistress when this is over."

The maids hurried to carry out her orders.

"Elen, I think you are foolish," Fionna went on. "You should have a midwife here."

"No. No," Elen gasped, bending over and clutching at her swollen abdomen. She waited until the contraction had ended, then straightened and faced Fionna. They had been through this argument before. "The only midwife near by is a dreadful old hag. She's a witch-I'm certain of it. I don't want her near me. I want you to be here."

"Very well, then." Fionna put her arms around Elen and steadied her as another contraction came. "Youknow I'll stay with you. Now stop worrying and concentrate on the work before you."Elen's discomfort was mild at first, but by mid-morning the pains were regular and strong enough to make her catch at Ava's shoulders so she could stand during them.

Talcoran arrived, looking worried. He took Elen's hands just as a contraction seized her. She gripped hiswrists and held on tightly until it was over. Talcoran, the brave warrior, turned white."Go out of this room," Fionna ordered. "This is woman's work. Go away.""Elen." She felt his lips on her moist forehead and realized he was trembling."Go," she said, trying to smile at him. "Fionna will call you when the child is born.""Keep walking," Fionna urged after Talcoran had left. "It will make the babe come faster. Ava, take her other arm on your shoulder as I am doing. Now, walk."

Supported between the two women, Elen tried to keep her legs moving. With scarcely focused eyes she

saw Fionna's maidservant carry a wooden cradle into the room and laid out the child's garments besideit."This will encourage you," the woman said kindly. "Think of the child to come."By noon, Elen could walk no longer. The pain and the downward pressure of a great weight were too much for her. She knelt on the straw mattress, supported by Fionna and Ava, and pushed and pushed until she thought her heart would stop from the effort.

"Push harder," Fionna ordered.

"I can't. I'm so tired." Elen's head fell back."Lay her down, lady," Ava suggested, "And let her rest a little. It will make what is to come easier forher."

Elen lay down on the straw, and for a moment the pain left her. She nearly dozed, but it began again, and

suddenly all she wanted was to be rid of her burden.

Ava lifted her and sat behind her so Elen could lean against the servant. Ava's plump arms were around her waist, pus.h.i.+ng down hard on her swollen belly.

"What are you doing? Let me go." Ava held her fast while a grinding pain of incredible intensityconvulsed her exhausted body. With the strength of rising panic, Elen began struggling against Ava, cryingout loudly when she could not get free. Fionna's voice came out of the red mist in front of her.

"Push, Elen. Harder, harder. Pus.h.!.+"

She was being torn in two. Some monstrous thing was killing her. She screamed and tried to fight back,

but Ava still held her. Someone was separating her legs and touching her. Was it Talcoran? Why was he doing this to her? He had never hurt her after that first time.

"Talcoran!" She heard her own voice, ragged and hoa.r.s.e, but it was Fionna, not Talcoran, who

answered her.

"Push again. Once more. That's good. Just once more, Elen."

She no longer knew where she was or even who she was. She only knew she had to be free of this thing

that was killing her in its struggle to be free of her body. From somewhere deep inside the heaving, panting, sweating, bleeding creature that was herself, Elen found the strength for one final effort.

She took a deep breath and pushed as hard as she could, pushed until her ears rang and the world began to go black. Something slid out of her, something wet and slippery, and there was a gush of hot liquid against her thighs, and then she was light as air, floating upward into the blue August sky, and somewhere a baby was crying.

Her head was pillowed on Ava's lap and the little maid was weeping while she dabbed at Elen's face with a damp cloth.

"Ava, stop that nonsense and help me." That was Fionna, Elen knew, although she could not open hereyes to see what was happening. She had never been so tired. Her head was down on the straw mattressnow, and she heard water being poured out, and people were doing things to her body. The pains beganagain. "No," she muttered weakly, "no more." "Only a little longer," Fionna a.s.sured her. "You have afine son. Let us finish this, then you can see him."

She was not sure what happened to her next. There was more pain, mercifully brief, and she felt totally empty. Fionna bathed her and gave her wine to drink-Talcoran's best Rhinish wine-and then Fionna and Ava and the other maidservant dragged her to her feet and got her into the bed.