Writing for Vaudeville Part 62

ANGELA: I'm not. (He tries to pull her to door--she bites his finger, and breaking away, runs up to curtains again.) Miss Carey, Miss Carey, wake up, he bit me. (MISS CAREY dashes out in fury, ANGELA hangs to her.) Oh, Miss Carey, you're the only one I have in all the world to keep me from this monster. Oh, Miss Carey, pity me, make believe you're my mother.

MISS CAREY: I told you I'm not married.

ANGELA: Well, think how you'd feel if you were and I were your own little girl and a wicked man was ill-treating me, etc. (She finally touches the mother vein in MISS CAREY.)

MISS CAREY: (Affected.) Go into my room, dear. (She leads her up to bed behind curtains. After Angela disappears behind curtains, MISS CAREY turns--facing HARRY.) I'll settle with this viper.

(Coming down.) Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

HARRY: Why should I'be ashamed?

MISS CAREY: (Resolutely.) Because you're a lollard.

HARRY: I'm what?

MISS CAREY: You're one of those vile creatures whose hair grows from east to west. (Dramatically.) Where are your refined feet now? )

HARRY: (Thinking she's mad.) What on earth are you talking about?

MISS CAREY: The man she fell in love with and married was spick and span--his shoulders were big and broad--his teeth were white--and his skin--well, if he were standing before me now, I'd be just crazy to kiss him myself.

HARRY: I was all that you say when I married her--that's how I won her.

MISS CAREY: And now you're _not_ all that I say--that's how you _lost_ her. You can't blame a little woman if she thinks she's getting a man of gold and she finds she's got a gold brick.

HARRY: Why, I'm not different now than I was then--only before I was married I was like all men, I did everything to appear at my best-- to fool her.

MISS CAREY: Fool her now--we women love to be fooled. We want to be proud of our husbands. Most of us get gold bricks, but we don't want anyone else to know it.

HARRY: By George, there may be something in all this. How did you come to know it?

MISS CAREY: I'm an old maid, and old maids know more about men than anyone--that's why they stay old maids. What were you wearing the first time you met?

HARRY: (Reminiscently.) A suit of regimentals.

MISS CAREY: (Hurrying up to door.) Quick, go downstairs and put 'em on and come up as quick as you can.

HARRY: (Looks at himself in gla.s.s near door.) By George--you're right. Oh, Miss Carey, I am a lollard. (He runs off.)

MISS CAREY: You're a lollard, all right. Now young woman--get your things together and get ready to go--young woman, do you hear me? (She goes up to curtains, and opens them--there lies ANGELA cozily huddled in a heap, fast asleep.) Well, if the little fluff hasn't fallen asleep. Here--wake up--the idea.

ANGELA: (In her sleep.) Harry, be gentle with Miss Carey--she can't help it. (MISS CAREY shakes her so she jumps up.) Oh Miss Carey-- h.e.l.lo.

MISS CAREY: Now get your things together--your husband is coming for you in a minute.

ANGELA: (A la Ibsen.) I shall never return to Harry again-- I've left him for life.

MISS CAREY: You'll not stay here all that time.

ANGELA: (As she comes down, dreamily.) No, I intend to marry another--and oh, Miss Carey, his hair is so spick--his shoulders so broad--his teeth are so white.

MISS CAREY: Good Lord, woman, now you're commencing with another.

Who is it?

ANGELA: Surely you must have foreseen my danger--I'm in love with your boarder.

MISS CAREY: Why, you must be crazy--girl--I won't let you enter into such a madness.

ANGELA: (In horror.) Oh Miss Carey, don't tell me you're in love with him yourself. (MISS CAREY sinks in chair.) But you'll not get him.

MISS CAREY: Why, my dear, I wouldn't have him for a birth-day present and neither will you. (After an ad lib. argument.) We'll see. (She calls off in next room.) Fire! Fire!! Fire!!!

(ANGELA gets scared and starts to run one way as FRED runs in--in canton flannels without toupee, etc., etc. ANGELA flops. After audience has seen FRED'S condition, he realizes presence of ladies and rushes back to door--sticking his head out.)

FRED: Where? Where's the fire?

MISS CAREY: Go back to your bed, Mr. Saltus. (With a look at ANGELA.) There was a fire.

ANGELA: (Disgusted.) But Miss Carey--has--put--it--out.

(On word "out" she gestures him out of room and out of her life.

FRED closes door as he withdraws head.)

ANGELA: Oh Miss Carey, what an awful lollard _that_ is. (There is a ring at bell.)

(Music commences sweet melody.)

MISS CAREY: (Knowing it is HARRY.) Open the door and see who it is.

(ANGELA opens the door--HARRY stands there in regimentals--handsome, young and dapper. ANGELA falls back in admiration.)

HARRY: Angela.

ANGELA: Oh, Harry darling!

MISS CAREY: He does look good!

ANGELA: (As she picks up her belongings.) I'm going home with you.

MISS CAREY: (As ANGELA goes up to HARRY.) Don't forget your tea dress. (Hands her the little bag.)

ANGELA: I'm so tired, Harry--take me home. (He lifts his tired little wife up in his arms and as he goes out, she mutters:) You're not such a bad lollard after all.

MISS CAREY: (Going to put out light.) Now, thank Gawd, I'll get a little sleep.

CURTAIN FALLS