The Sententia: Second Thoughts Part 7

I gave her shoulders another squeeze and turned us around, heading back toward Marquise House and the rest of civilization. It was windy and cold out on the soccer fields. "That's fine," I told her. "You don't have to like her; you just can't go around threatening her. You're not losing Valedictorian over Mandi Worthington. Even if MIT wouldn't care. You would, and I would too. And so would Caleb."

Her eyes started to water again, and she swiped at them angrily. Not knowing what else to do-I'd never seen my roommate so off balance-I grabbed her hand for comfort. "Ugh, Caleb," she said. "I'm sure he's hearing all about this right now."

"Probably," I agreed. "But he loves you, crazy and all. You'll apologize and then you'll make up. It's what you guys do." I squeezed her hand again and changed the subject. "So anyway, what's the story about Alexis behind the Chapel?"

LATER THAT NIGHT, I asked Carter, "Have you ever visited the Cove?" and it caused exactly the reaction I hoped it would. He stopped and stared at me, hand hanging in the air where it had pushed open the door to his room. Hopefully he forgot how he'd just caught me poking through his nightstand.

"The Cove?" he said, a slightly strangled quality to his voice. I was standing now, hiding the drawer I'd just hastily closed. I smiled, put a hand on my hip and licked my lips. His eyes flicked between the movements as growing interest lit his features.

"Yeah. Amy told me about it this afternoon." Kneeler's Cove was apparently a little, well, alcove in the outer walls of the Chapel where kids went to fool around. Carter stepped farther into the room, his bright blue eyes flas.h.i.+ng dark as he Thought the door behind him all the way closed. The little click of the latch felt very loud.

"Is this an invitation?" He took another step toward me, and another.

"Have you ever gone before?" I countered. Right in front of me now, Carter leaned in closer, closer, until I fell back on the bed and he trapped me there.

"No."

"Why not?"

He was propped on his forearms, leaning over me, just barely touching the length of my body with his. Our lips were close enough to kiss if either of us bridged the last little distance.

"Because it's a place you only go with Academy girls. So. Are you inviting me, my Academy girl?"

I licked my lips again. "Maybe."

And then the distance was gone and he was kissing me. Serious kissing, the kind that means business. The kind that leads to other things. Like T-s.h.i.+rts landing on the floor and hands and lips on skin.

"Lainey?"

"Yeah?" He kissed my shoulder, the hollow of my throat. Every nerve in my body wished he wasn't talking.

"Rain check on the Cove tonight."

I ran my fingers down his back. Lower, dipping below his waistband. He inhaled one quick breath, like a gasp. "This is more comfortable anyway."

Comfortable, and dangerous. With every kiss and touch, I was losing clothes and restraint. I hadn't wanted to visit the Cove anyway. Privacy seemed so much s.e.xier to me than cold stone walls and the chance of getting caught. I didn't want to be caught. I wanted Carter. Here, in his room, just the two of us, I had nothing but Carter. I could have all of him.

Maybe I would.

"Lainey?" he said again, lips brus.h.i.+ng my ear and down my neck. I wished they would keep going.

"Yeah?" My voice was nothing but eager breath. It sounded...hopeful to me. Like tonight, I wanted him to ask. If he asked, I thought I wouldn't say no.

"What were you looking for in my drawer?"

s.h.i.+T. I'd been ignoring how I'd already been caught tonight. I tensed, which meant he tensed too, the muscles in his back bunching beneath my fingers. Carter was nothing if not expert at reading my signals. Even when I wasn't sure I meant them.

"Nothing." The word burned like ice, numbing my lips, while a deeper chill spread across my overheated skin. Why was reality always so cold?

"Nothing?" he said, still tense, waiting for me to relax. To say stop, or go. I knew what he thought-hoped-I was looking for and had found. I should have just said, "These," and pulled out the package of condoms I'd known were there anyway, just in case or for whenever I was ready.

But I wasn't ready, not anymore. I'd said a year, and this wasn't my plan. Most of my body was screaming to h.e.l.l with your stupid plan! and if Carter hadn't just asked that question-the wrong question-I might have listened.

"Nothing. I'm s-sorry," I breathed. The plan was safe.

Carter rolled off me, his weight gone like it hadn't even been there. I s.h.i.+vered. Next to me on the bed, he stared at the back of his eyelids while doing what I suspected was the same yoga breathing he always made fun of me for. I'd really been looking for something-anything- connected to his father's death, because in weeks of trying I hadn't found a single d.a.m.n thing in the rest of the house.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. I went about retrieving and righting clothes before trying to sit back down as if I were no heavier than a feather. But the bed tilted under me and, worse, squeaked, practically announcing my return with a bullhorn. Carter still hadn't moved.

After another few deep breaths, he said, "Have you lost something? What are you looking for?" His eyes were still closed.

"I..." I faltered. What could I say? No, you've lost something, your father, and I'm trying to figure out what happened. I couldn't say that. Or No, I haven't lost something-my virginity. It's right here, and I'm afraid to let it go. Carter knew that. Boy, did he know that. I wanted to cry, or crawl into a cave and hide.

"Because the other day it seemed like you were randomly searching the kitchen, and then today-" He paused for another deep breath. "So I think you must have lost something, but why won't you just tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry."

"f.u.c.k." He sat up, fast, running his fingers through his hair and across his face. "Stop apologizing."

"I-" was going to do it again. Instead, I swallowed, while my brain shouted at me, Lie, Lainey, lie! Come up with something for G.o.d's sake! "I was looking for antiques." Ah, my old fallback. "Or things original to the apartment. I was...curious."

Carter looked at me, hard. His arms rested on his raised knees, hands clasped between them. "You were looking for antiques. In my nightstand."

I cleared my throat and toyed with a piece of my messy hair. "Not exactly. It's all related though. I was trying to find ideas...for Christmas presents. You know?"

The hard look didn't change and I didn't blame him. Lying was not my strongest skill, not on the spot. "Did you find any? Ideas?"

"Not really. Except for the dining room set, and the sink, everything seems contemporary here." Finally, a truth!

He stood, searching for his s.h.i.+rt as an excuse to pace. He might have been captivating when he smiled, but more than I cared to admit, I thought Carter was s.e.xiest when he was angry. Tonight was no exception. He moved like an athlete, graceful and powerful, as he stalked across the room, eyes glinting and one hand scrubbing through his hair again. When he dipped to grab his T-s.h.i.+rt, I held my breath, watching with a painfully thumping heart as all the muscles in his broad shoulders down to his perfect stomach tensed and s.h.i.+fted in concert.

As he slipped it over his head, he said, "Aunt Mel remodeled when they moved back in." After his father died. This explained why I'd touched basically everything in their apartment, but so far found nothing connected to the day of Mark Penrose's death. When he'd crossed the room several times, Carter paused and said, "I'm not coming next weekend."

"What?!" I dropped the piece of my hair. We were supposed to be going to Baltimore and D.C. together to visit schools. And my aunt and Uncle Dan. We had that special dinner Dan had set up, and it would be Carter's first time on an airplane, and now I'd ruined it.

"I can't."

"Carter, I'm sorry-"

"No. It's not--f.u.c.k!" He quit pacing and returned to the bed, punching down the pillow as he sat. "It's not that. Not you. Well, not really. I don't understand what's going on with you. But Uncle Jeff has to make a trip and I can't leave Aunt Mel alone with the store. I was going to tell you tonight."

"Oh." If I weren't feeling so miserable at the moment, I'd have been disappointed. Mostly I felt guilty. For everything.

"I'm sorry."

I put my hand on his leg, just lightly. "It's okay." He didn't move but to nod.

"Maybe it is," he agreed. "Maybe it's good. You can figure out if you're going to tell me whatever you're not telling me."

Chapter Ten.

Lainey!" Aunt Tessa was waving and practically running through the baggage claim area.

"Whoa, Auntie. Tone it down," I said as I hugged her. Really though, I was excited to see her too. I told her I'd take a taxi from the airport but she insisted on picking me up herself.

She released me to arm's length and appraised me. "You look tired, sweetheart."

I nodded. I was sure I did. The weight of so many secrets was keeping me awake at night. "School is so stressful this year," is what I told her.

"Well, let's go get dinner and see if we can't help you relax."

She took me to her favorite neighborhood place, a little Italian restaurant with paper tablecloths and the most amazing manicotti. Watching her during dinner, it was obvious she was happy, comfortable, and...home. She was back in Baltimore for the second time in as many years, though not in the same apartment as before my "migraines" took me to Northbrook and changed my whole world. The major difference between the two places was that this one felt as close to permanent as I thought her life could get.

I was unsurprised when about halfway through dinner she finally told me she'd accepted a full-time position at the University for the next fall semester. In other words, the same time I'd be starting, if this is where I chose to go.

"I know I don't have to tell you this," she said, "but I'd love nothing more than if you were here with me."

Yes, I'd certainly known that without her telling me, but I appreciated hearing it all the same. I reached across the tablecloth and squeezed her hand. "That would scare a lot of kids away from a school, Auntie," I said, and before her threat of a frown became real, I added, "but not me."

She beamed. "It was quite nice of Dan to set up our dinner tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it."

The light in her eyes made it clear she was more than looking forward to dinner with Senator Astor. In the weeks since her visit to the Academy, she'd repeatedly mentioned her disappointment over seeing him only once. I hadn't had the heart to tell her she sounded like a school girl with a crush, since it was so rare she got excited about anything other than me or art, let alone a man, but mostly because I couldn't figure out how to feel about it.

"Me too."

After a pause for a thoughtful bite of dinner, Aunt Tessa tilted her head and asked, "And how is Carter, honey? By which I mean, how are the two of you?"

c.r.a.p. How were we? Strained. But I hadn't mentioned that to my aunt. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you okay?" When she pushed her hair over her shoulder, a pile of bracelets jangled on her wrist. "He was supposed to come, and, well, I thought maybe the store was an excuse. You haven't seemed yourself since I saw you last, and...Frankly, I wondered if you weren't getting ready to break that boy's heart."

I started at her words, nearly jumping out of my seat and spilling my cappuccino across the table. "What?! No!" I said. "I can't even believe you'd think that!" But there it was again. An echo in my head reverberated with, She'll break your heart, Carter. And this time it was my aunt. When Alexis had said it last year, I knew she had a vested interest in it coming true. My aunt, on the other hand, loved my being with Carter possibly as much as I did.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I just wondered, that's all. You've seemed..." She frowned and flipped one hand over and back. "And you're my daughter in your heart, if not your blood. I know a little about fearing comfort more than change. For you, change is comfort. It's almost a year you've been with him..."

Before I'd known what being comfortable in one place really meant, I'd have agreed with her. But it turned out, maybe since I'd already had so much change in my seventeen years, I liked permanence. My psychologists had been right about that anyway. Or so I'd thought, until my aunt had just given new life to an old seed of doubt.

"I know," I said. "And I'm not planning to-never. I love Carter. He just couldn't make it. The store wasn't an excuse. They've got one new employee since, well, you know. Jill couldn't come back this year. But the new woman is off this week. And school is stressful for me..."

I realized I sounded like I was making excuses, and maybe I was. There was so much distance between us the last week, and Carter was right-so much I wasn't telling him. I just wasn't sure I was ready yet, for so many things.

Aunt Tessa c.o.c.ked her head at me again, in the other direction this time. From somewhere she'd produced a pencil and had been idly sketching on the tablecloth. Me, I realized. I recognized my long hair and the contours of my face. "So," she said, "you haven't had s.e.x with him yet, have you?"

Flames leapt instantly to my face, especially because I'd just been thinking about it. "Auntie! Jesus!" My aunt was liberal enough when it came to s.e.x, and had never been afraid to talk to me about it. She and Amy had that in common.

"You haven't. I can tell. I'm surprised, honestly. Aren't you ready?"

"Auntie!!" I repeated. If you could pa.s.s out from blus.h.i.+ng too hard, I was about to do it. I eyed her wine gla.s.s, but it was still half full. No, this was just my aunt being herself.

She laughed at me. "It's okay, Lainey. I just thought..." She shrugged. "Anyway, there's no prize for hurrying the first time, so don't. Just don't forget to be careful when you finally do."

My mortification complete, I nodded. "You've reminded me enough times since I was ten. I've learned that lesson well, I promise." But inside, I laughed a little. The first part of her totally non-traditional s.e.x talk was proof Aunt Tessa didn't know about Sententia, since having s.e.x could jumpstart, or spark, a developing ability, like it had for Carter. Sometimes there was a prize.

WE SPENT THE next day like a normal mother and daughter, going on the campus tours, eating at the student union, and meeting other prospective students and their families. My aunt pretended she wasn't an alumna with her sculptures featured in the school museum, and I pretended I wasn't maybe going to die before I had the chance to become an alumna myself. It was actually a fun day.

Dinner that evening was possibly more fun, despite Carter's absence. The university president was friendly, down to earth, and seemed genuinely interested in me, even if it was only because of my aunt and Senator Astor, but I didn't think so. I got the impression he cared about and would have been the same with any of the over seven thousand students.

We, naturally, talked about art, politics, and the business school, none of which was boring, and we laughed often and genuinely. My aunt flirted almost shamelessly with Dan, who seemed equally interested in charming her. I felt worried about that but entirely unsure how to stop it. Otherwise, it was a great evening, and the best part of the whole thing was the absolutely zero mention of Sententia. Up until the very end.

"Have you given any more thought to my offer?" Dan asked, almost casually, while my aunt had gone to the ladies' room and the president had taken his leave.

Of course I had. I thought about it pretty much all the time I wasn't contemplating my own impending death. Unable to tell him that, I decided to be straightforward with him.

"I don't honestly think I have it in me."

He nodded, as if he'd expected my answer. "I understand," he said firmly. "It's a hard thing to have to do. Tell me this-do you not believe in our mission?"

"No, it's not that. I do, sort of." And I did. The Perceptum did a lot of good. "But...just the part that really bothers me would be my part."

"Of course. You've heard the stories though; you know the caliber of person who receives such a vote, and the rarity."

I sighed, wis.h.i.+ng my aunt would just hurry up and free me from having to talk about this. My stomach churned, in part because he was right. I nodded. "Of course. Dr. Stewart said almost the same thing, but...it's not just that. It's, well honestly, it's Carter. I know what would happen to him, just because of what he can do, not because of what he does or who he is."

Dan's eyes lit on me like I'd made some connection without knowing it. "Objectivity is the greatest challenge, is it not? And doing things you don't necessarily want to do for the good of others. Don't you see the most important advantage to working with the Council, Lainey? Why do you think I've become its leader? That is where you have the most power to protect Carter."

I inhaled so sharply the breath stabbed my throat. It had never occurred to me Dan didn't want to be leader of the Perceptum. It had never occurred to me there'd be any advantage to being a part of it. But there was. I'd been too caught up in my own fears to see it. Now, I was more confused than ever.

I opened my mouth to say...something, anything, when Dan patted me on the shoulder and smiled at my aunt coming up behind us.

"Tess, Lainey and I were just talking about the future, and I think she's got some important things to think about. Shall we go for a nightcap?"

ALL THE FLIGHT home, I replayed the conversation in my head. Was it that simple? Well, it wasn't simple, but...it was a good question. What would I do to protect Carter? I liked to say anything, but I'd never thought anything would include killing people, even the kind of people I'd be asked to eliminate. And I always thought my morals would stand up and say never! But never was a tricky word when you loved someone and that someone was in danger.

It was with these thoughts that I stepped outside the terminal, on hold with the dispatcher for the car service as they tried to locate my strangely missing reservation, when I saw Carter. He was standing next to his car and holding a sign with my name on it, just like the driver should have been. I hung up the phone and threw myself at him. He caught me and held tight. Kisses became our mutual apology.

Until another driver honked his horn, I forgot where we were. Which was at the airport, in public, in a taxi zone where we shouldn't be stopped. Sheepishly, I broke away and, in what had become a habit of mine just about every time I touched him, gave a quick check with my Diviner sense to see if my death had become any clearer.

At the same time I was saying, "What are you-" Carter practically leaped backwards.

"What the h.e.l.l, Lainey?!"