The Nothing Girl Part 23

He was back seconds later. 'Seriously? Shaun the Sheep pyjamas?

Kill me now.

He turned off the taps and tested the water. 'Thats fine. Ill leave you now. Dont fall asleep and dont drown or Ill get the blame. Back in half an hour.

Then he was gone, leaving the usual vacuum in his wake.

I undressed very slowly, dropping everything in the bin. I never wanted to see any of it again. How people managed to get drunk regularly was a mystery to me. Or why they would want to. I was only ever drinking water from now on. If I wanted to be frivolously irresponsible and let rip, then Id put a slice of lemon in it.

I lay back in the warm, heavily scented water and closed my eyes.

'Dont go to sleep, said Thomas, anxiously.

I washed my face clean, then my hair, then the rest of me, feeling a little better with every pa.s.sing moment.

Half an hour later I was bathed, teeth cleaned ' Dont look in the mirror. It wont do you any good at all and its not as if you dont know where your teeth are. and was sitting on my bed combing my hair. Id had three sips of water and every single one had stayed put. Someone had put fresh sheets on the bed and I climbed in, exhausted, and fell asleep again, waking only when Mrs Crisp brought Dr Williams, whod known me for ever.

'Well, Jenny. Mrs Checkland, I should say. What have you been doing to yourself?

I was looking at Mrs Crisp as he spoke and her face spoke volumes.

'I think I ... drank too much, I said, as best I could.

'And how much did you drink? One bottle? Two?

'One, I said. 'Gla.s.s, and he chuckled.

'Well, there are a number of possibilities here. You drank too much. You ate something that disagreed with you. Mrs Crisp closed her eyes. 'Or youve got one of the many bugs flying around at this time of year. Lets have a look, shall we?

He began to do doctor things.

I reached out and pinched his hand. 'I cant have eaten anything ... bad, I said, carefully, cutting my eyes to Mrs Crisp. 'We had a ... dinner party. Six of us. Everyone else is fine.

He paused briefly and then said, 'Well, that seems to dispose of that theory. And quite honestly, Jenny, Mrs Checkland, I dont think one gla.s.s of wine would produce quite such spectacular results, so tummy bug it is. When did it start?

He did all the usual medical things, wrote a prescription and asked Mrs Crisp to take it downstairs.

After shed gone and he was packing things away, he said, 'That was a kind thought, Jenny, but unnecessary, I think. Ive known Lizzie Crisp for years and seafood and chicken notwithstanding, shes incapable of producing bad food. And as you said, everyone else is fine. No, I think well go with the popular choice, the twenty-four-hour tummy bug. Take things easy for a day or so. Sip water. Eat a little toast when you feel like it. I know you think youll never eat again, but you will, believe me.

'Thank you. Please dont mention this to my aunt.

'Wouldnt dream of it. Youll do fine here, Jenny. Plenty of people to look after you, but if it starts up again, let me know immediately and Ill come straight back.

Something occurred to me. Id never had to think about this sort of thing before. 'Am I a private patient?

'One of my favourites, so look after yourself. You might want to approach wine with more caution, next time. Goodbye, Mrs Checkland.

He closed the door behind him.

I did nothing for two days. On the third day, I rose again, dressed carefully, and trailed down the stairs, with Thomas chirping anxiously every inch of the way.

'For heavens sake be careful on the stairs, he muttered, as if Id forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other. To please him, I inched my way forwards with the speed of a striking glacier. People grew old in the time it took me to make my way downstairs.

In the kitchen, I was given the warm seat by the stove, a cup of tea, and an inquisition into my state of health.

'Still alive then? said Russell.

I glanced down at myself, just to check, and nodded.

'You poor old thing, he said, with easy, if not complimentary, sympathy. 'Im taking Mrs C and Kevin into town this afternoon. Sharon will be here if you need anything. Are you OK with that?

Actually, I thought a quiet afternoon not doing anything would be very pleasant.

I never learn.

Sharon was baking and pleased to have me around. She was trying out new ideas for cupcakes and I happily drank tea and lined trays with baking cases for her. When shed finished, she chucked it all in the oven and slammed the door.

'Never be afraid, she said, sensing my startled look. 'Slam the door and show them whos the boss.

Someone knocked at the front door. An event so unusual that for a moment, no one knew quite what to do.

'Well, open it, said Thomas, giving us a clue.

Sharon went out, returning a minute later, her face as white as her ap.r.o.n. 'Its a man, Mrs Checkland. He says he wants his donkey back or hes going to the police.

I went straight into full-blown panic. I knew this would happen. I told Russell this would happen. You cant just go around stealing peoples donkeys w.i.l.l.y-nilly. I said the owner would turn up. And here he was. And where was our intrepid donkey-napper now the chips were down? If I knew anything, theyd all be in a pub somewhere, while I held the fort and the donkey and had to deal with incensed owners, the police, the legal system, and Aunt Julia, because shed find out about it somehow, if only when Uncle Richard had to try and keep me out of prison.

'Have you quite finished? asked Thomas, amused.

'Its not funny. h.e.l.l have to come back when Russells here.

Sharon was waiting. 'Hes really angry. Says if you dont hand her over h.e.l.l go and get her himself.

Oh, my G.o.d, what was I going to do? Where the h.e.l.l was Russell?

'Oh, he wont be back for hours, said Thomas, unhelpfully. ' Its all up to you Jenny. Theres no one else.

'I cant do it alone.

'Youre not alone. Now come on, straighten your hair and go and kick his a.s.s. Not literally. Actually, that was quite funny.

'Thomas ...

'I mean it, Jenny. Stop being so pathetic and save your donkey. You dont want him to get her back, do you?

'Youre beginning to annoy me.

'Excellent. Now get in there.

'This is something else well be talking about later.

But it had worked. Hed focused me on the problem, which was preventing Marilyn from being taken away. And Russell would get me out of prison. Somehow.

'Gelignite?

I said to Sharon, 'Ill see him in the living room.

She nodded. 'Do you want me to stay?

'No. Please nip out and ... make ... sure shes safely locked up.

I stood by the fireplace, smoothed my hair and clothes, and indicated she should bring him in.

She was right. He was horrible. He was big and loud and he thrust his belly into the room before him like a heat-seeking missile. I hoped the dismay I felt was not written all over my face, although I doubted it. He peered around the room, instantly a.s.sessing the value of everything in it, including me. The window looked out into the garden, so it was only a guess, but I could imagine him arriving in some clapped-out old Jag with an expired tax disc.

He moved into the centre of the room, the dominant position, and embarked upon some diatribe in which his rights, our wrongs, damage to property, theft, Marilyns value, and his surprisingly large and completely unsuspected affection for her jostled for my attention.

Not knowing what to do or say, I let him go on. And on. And on. Even when he showed signs of slowing down and offered me the opportunity to speak, I said nothing. He began to repeat himself. I still said nothing and used the time to think. Eventually, he talked himself to a standstill, very red in the face and not best pleased by the lack of opposition.

Finally, I said, 'Well? hoping for another long monologue, during which, with a bit of luck, the cavalry would drag themselves out of the pub and rescue me.

'Ive come for the donkey you stole and compensation for the damage you did, or Ill have the law on you.

Two weeks ago, I would have been terrified by such a threat but even a short time with Russell Checkland had eroded my morals to such an extent that, scared though I was, I had no thought of handing over Marilyn. And certainly not to this great bully of a man who would punch and kick a little donkey without compunction and snap her little legs like a twig.

Besides, I thought I had an enormous golden horse on my side, who several times in my life, and especially at school, had effortlessly enabled me to face down physical confrontation.

I drew my ragged banner of courage around me and said, 'Of course.

From behind the kitchen door, Sharon gasped.

I crossed to the table and rummaged in the heap that was Russell ('I know where everything is) Checklands filing system.

'Youll need this. I handed him Andrews meticulously detailed and colossal bill.

'And this. I handed him the feed bill.

'And this. I handed him the farriers bill.

'And this. I handed him Uncle Richards business card.

'And this. I handed him Tanyas firms business card, thus ruthlessly committing two of the most prestigious law firms in town to the defence of a small donkey with the lung capacity of the Mersey Tunnel.

'Whats all this? he demanded, angrily, but after my brief burst of eloquence, Id reverted to my natural state. Partly to recharge but mostly because I could see it baffled and annoyed him. Hed come expecting a shouting match, during which he would easily dominate me and frighten me into giving him a large sum of money to go away. Well, it wasnt going to happen. I had a feeling I could see my way out of this.

'Invoices, I said, although he could see that for himself.

'Plus, I rummaged artistically again. He stepped back and that was all I needed to know. I flapped miscellaneous bits of paper. 'Paperwork from the council relating to the removal of the other dead donkeys. Report from the RSPCA pending prosecution. Request from the police anxious to contact you ... I let it tail away.

He threw the bills at me and followed them, standing right in my face. Looming. Thinking I had Thomas, I stood my ground.

'Dont give me any of that c.r.a.p, lady. You stole my donkey and thats an end to it. Now Im guessing a bleeding heart like you wont want to give her back so you just give me her price, the value of the gate, something for my expenses and trouble coming here today, and well say no more about it. A nice lady like you wont want to see her name in the papers and Im guessing those relatives of yours will pay a lot to keep it out as well.

I couldnt shout and bl.u.s.ter like he did. It wouldnt work. I couldnt bludgeon him with words and sarcasm like Russell. I had to develop my own defence.

Once again, I allowed him to run down. When he appeared to have finished, I said, 'Whatever, and turned away as if Id lost interest.

I could actually feel him swell with wrath. Perhaps winding up a potentially violent bully was not such a good idea. I moved away as casually as I could. He wasnt going to involve the police. He didnt want Marilyn back. He just wanted money. Hed heard wed suddenly acquired a donkey you cant hide Marilyn, except two miles underground, maybe done his research, and picked on me as the weakest link. Which I was, but I was really fed up with people thinking so. Unaccustomed rage clouded more than my judgement.

'You pathetic weasel! Do you really think Im afraid of a bag of p.i.s.s and wind like you? There is no way Im handing her back to you, so take that great belly and your stupid, fat, purple face and just f.u.c.k off out of it, will you? Preferably before my husband gets back because you might think Im a cow, but hes a total b.a.s.t.a.r.d and these days hes just looking for some low-life sc.u.m to give a good kicking. To.

I got a bit confused with the grammar there.

He stepped back in surprise. I should have followed up my advantage, but I had nothing left. He came at me again, angry at having given ground and raised his hand.

s.h.i.+t! Thomas, where are you?

The kitchen door crashed open and Sharon surged magnificently into the room, clutching one of Mrs Crisps cherished Le Creuset frying pans. Something that could easily kill if wielded in anger.

'Ive called the police, she shouted.

Why hadnt I thought of that?

'Get out. Now.

I grabbed some hideous vase and brandished it menacingly and I really dont know what would have happened next, but at that moment, everyone heard Russells Land Rover clattering into the yard.

Sharon lowered her potentially fatal frying pan. 'Mr Checkland is back. Im sure hed love to meet you. Would you like to stay for tea?

He was already heading towards the door. I could hear Russell shouting in the kitchen, shouting for me, Sharon, anyone, what was going on?

Bully boy was struggling with the front door, which in true Checkland style, was not performing as expected.

Both Sharon and I were still clutching our weapons as Russell entered and took in the scene at a glance.

With a jerk of his head, he indicated we were both to leave. Now.

We did.

The last I saw and heard was Russell advancing to the front door and saying gently, 'Can I be of any a.s.sistance?

Thomas was already in the kitchen.

'Where were you?

'I was with Marilyn, keeping her quiet.

'Why?