The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 119

Sommerville became a bow'r, Alston an Arcadian Vale, Breathing concentrated otto!-- An existence la Watteau.

ALL. Bless, us, concentrated otto! etc.

COUNSEL. Picture, then, my client naming, And insisting on the day: Picture him excuses framing-- Going from her far away; Doubly criminal to do so, For the maid had bought her trousseau!

ALL. Doubly criminal, etc.

COUNSEL (to Plaintiff, who weeps)

Cheer up, my pretty--oh, cheer up!

JURY. Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!

[Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her, and resumes his place in Court.

(Plaintiff reels as if about to faint)

JUDGE. That she is reeling Is plain to see!

FOREMAN. If faint you're feeling Recline on me!

[She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast.

PLAINTIFF (feebly). I shall recover If left alone.

ALL. (shaking their fists at Defendant) Oh, perjured lover, Atone! atone!

FOREMAN. Just like a father [Kissing her I wish to be.

JUDGE. (approaching her) Or, if you'd rather, Recline on me!

[She jumps on to Bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbing on his breast.

COUNSEL. Oh! fetch some water From far Cologne!

ALL. For this sad slaughter Atone! atone!

JURY. (shaking fists at Defendant) Monster, monster, dread our fury-- There's the Judge, and we're the Jury!

Come! Substantial damages, Dam---

USHER. Silence in Court!

SONG -- DEFENDANT

Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray, Though I own that my heart has been ranging, Of nature the laws I obey, For nature is constantly changing.

The moon in her phases is found, The time, and the wind, and the weather.

The months in succession come round, And you don't find two Mondays together.

Consider the moral, I pray, Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, Who loves this young lady to-day, And loves that young lady to-morrow.

BRIDESMAIDS (rus.h.i.+ng forward, and kneeling to Jury).

Consider the moral, etc.

One cannot eat breakfast all day, Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away, To turn his attention to dinner.

And it's not in the range of belief, To look upon him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton.

But this I am willing to say, If it will appease her sorrow, I'll marry this lady to-day, And I'll marry the other to-morrow.

BRIDESMAIDS (rus.h.i.+ng forward as before)

But this he is willing say, etc.

RECIT -- JUDGE

That seems a reasonable proposition, To which, I think, your client may agree.

COUNSEL But I submit, m'lud, with all submission, To marry two at once is Burglaree!

[Referring to law book.

In the reign of James the Second, It was generally reckoned As a rather serious crime To marry two wives at a time.

[Hands book up to Judge, who reads it.

ALL. Oh, man of learning!

QUARTETTE

JUDGE. A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit:

COUNSEL. And at this stage, it don't appear That we can settle it.

DEFENDANT (in Witness-box).

If I to wed the girl am loth A breach 'twill surely be--

PLAINTIFF. And if he goes and marries both, It counts as Burglaree!

ALL. A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit.

DUET -- PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANT

PLAINTIFF (embracing him rapturously)

I love him--I love him--with fervour unceasing I wors.h.i.+p and madly adore; My blind adoration is ever increasing, My loss I shall ever deplore.

Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing I've lost, and remember it, pray, When you I'm addressing, are busy a.s.sessing The damages Edwin must pay--- Yes, he must pay!

DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously)

I smoke like a furnace--I'm always in liquor, A ruffian--a bully--a sot; I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her, I am such a very bad lot!

I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing, She couldn't endure me a day!

Recall my professing, when you are a.s.sessing The damages Edwin must pay!