The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 132

Scaphio: Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a law of libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are pub- licly flogged--as in England? And six of our editors have resigned in succession! Now, the editor of a scurrilous paper can stand a good deal--he takes a private thras.h.i.+ng as a matter of course--it's considered in his salary--but no gentleman likes to be publicly flogged.

King: Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself.

Phantis: Then our Burlesque Theater is absolutely ruined!

King: Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it was.

Phantis: Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has his own views as to the best means of elevating the national drama, has declined to license any play that is not in blank verse and three hundred years old--as in England?

Scaphio: And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor has or- dered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the proscenium, in case of fire--as in England.

Phantis: It's so hard on the company--who are liable to be roasted alive--and this has to be met by enormously increased salaries--as in England.

Scaphio: You probably know that we've contracted to supply the entire nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you do not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers plead liability limited to a declared capital of eighteenpence, and apply to be dealt with under the Winding-up Act--as in England?

King: Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. If you will be so good as to formulate a detailed list of your grievances in writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia Limited, they will be laid before the Board, in due course, at their next monthly meeting.

Scaphio: Are we to understand that we are defied?

King: That is the idea I intended to convey.

Phantis: Defied! We are defied!

Scaphio: (furiously) Take care--you know our powers. Trifle with us, and you die!

TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and King.

Sca.: If you think that, when banded in unity, We may both be defied with impunity, You are sadly misled of a verity!

Phan.: If you value repose and tranquility, You'll revert to a state of docility, Or prepare to regret your temerity!

King.: If my speech is unduly refractory You will find it a course satisfactory At an early Board meeting to show it up.

Though if proper excuse you can trump any, You may wind up a Limited Company, You cannot conveniently blow it up!

(Scaphio and Phantis thoroughly baffled)

King.: (Dancing quietly) Whene'er I chance to baffle you I, also, dance a step or two-- Of this now guess the hidden sense:

(Scaphio and Phantis consider the question as King continues dancing quietly--then give it up.)

It means complete indifference!

Sca. and Phan.: Of course it does--indifference!

It means complete indifference!

(King dancing quietly. Sca. and Phan. dancing furiously.)

Sca. and Phan.: As we've a dance for every mood With pas de trois we will conclude, What this may mean you all may guess-- It typifies remorselessness!

King.: It means unruffled cheerfulness!

(King dances off placidly as Scaphio and Phantis dance furiously.)

Phantis: (breathless) He's right--we are helpless! He's no longer a human being--he's a Corporation, and so long as he confines himself to his Articles of a.s.sociation we can't touch him!

What are we to do?

Scaphio: Do? Raise a Revolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two, recon- vert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate ex- plosion! (Tarara enters.) Tarara, come here; you're the very man we want.

Tarara: Certainly, allow me. (Offers a cracker to each; they s.n.a.t.c.h them away impatiently.) That's rude.

Scaphio: We have no time for idle forms. You wish to succeed to the throne?

Tarara: Naturally.

Scaphio: Then you won't unless you join us. The King has defied us, and, as matters stand, we are helpless. So are you. We must devise some plot at once to bring the people about his ears.

Tarara: A plot?

Phantis: Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety. Have you such a thing about you?

Tarara: (feeling) No, I think not. No. There's one on my dressing-table.

Scaphio: We can't wait--we must concoct one at once, and put it into execution without delay. There is not a moment to spare!

TRIO -- Scaphio, Phantis, and Tarara.

Ensemble

With wily brain upon the spot A private plot we'll plan, The most ingenious private plot Since private plots began.

That's understood. So far we've got And, striking while the iron's hot, We'll now determine like a shot The details of this private plot.

Sca.: I think we ought--(whispers) Phan. and Tar.: Such bosh I never heard!

Phan.: Ah! happy thought!--(whispers) Sca. and Tar.: How utterly dashed absurd!

Tar.: I'll tell you how--(whispers) Sca and Phan.: Why, what put that in your head?

Sca.: I've got it now--(whispers) Phan. and Tar.: Oh, take him away to bed!

Phan.: Oh, put him to bed!

Tar.: Oh, put him to bed!

Sca.: What, put me to bed?

Phan. and Tar.: Yes, certainly put him to bed!

Sca.: But, bless me, don't you see-- Phan.: Do listen to me, I pray-- Tar.: It certainly seems to me-- Sca.: Bah--this is the only way!

Phan.: It's rubbish absurd you growl!

Tar.: You talk ridiculous stuff!

Sca.: You're a drivelling barndoor owl!

Phan.: You're a vapid and vain old m.u.f.f!

(All, coming down to audience.)

So far we haven't quite solved the plot-- They're not a very ingenious lot-- But don't be unhappy, It's still on the tapis, We'll presently hit on a capital plot!