The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 141

POINT For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak.

No. 8. How say you, maiden, will you wed (TRIO) Elsie, Point, and Lieutenant

LIEUT. How say you, maiden, will you wed A man about to lose his head?

For half an hour You'll be his wife, And then the dower Is your for life.

A headless bridegroom why refuse?

If truth the poets tell, Most bridegrooms, 'ere they marry, Lose both head and heart as well!

ELSIE A strange proposal you reveal, It almost makes my senses reel.

Alas! I'm very poor indeed, And such a sum I sorely need.

My mother, sir, is like to die.

This money life may bring.

Bear this in mind, I pray, If I consent to do this thing!

POINT Though as a general rule of life I don't allow my promised wife, My lovely bride that is to be, To marry anyone but me, Yet if the fee is promptly paid, And he, in well-earned grave, Within the hour is duly laid, Objection I will waive!

Yes, objection I will waive!

ALL Temptation, oh, temptation, Were we, I pray, intended To shun, what e'er our station, Your fascinations splendid; Or fall, whene'er we view you, Head over heels into you?

Head over heels, Head over heels, Head over heels into you!

Head over heels, Head over heels, Head over heels, Right into you!

Head over heels, Head over heels, etc.

Temptation, oh, temptation!

[During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED (who has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE's eyes with a kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour Tower

LIEUT. And so, good fellow, you are a jester?

POINT Aye, sir, and like some of my jests, out of place.

LIEUT. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are your qualifications for such a post?

POINT Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you extempore; I can convulse you with quip and conundrum;I have the lighter philosophies at my tongue's tip; I can be merry, wise, quaint, grim, and sardonic, one by one, or all at once; I have a pretty turn for anecdote; I know all the jests-- ancient and modern-- past, present, and to come; I can riddle you from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content you not, well on to midnight and the small hours. Oh, sir, a pretty wit, I warrant you-- a pretty, pretty wit!

No. 9. I've jibe and joke (SONG) Point

POINT I've jibe and joke And quip and crank For lowly folk And men of rank.

I ply my craft And know no fear.

But aim my shaft At prince or peer.

At peer or prince-- at prince or peer, I aim my shaft and know no fear!

I've wisdom from the East and from the West, That's subject to no academic rule; You may find it in the jeering of a jest, Or distil it from the folly of a fool.

I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind; I can trick you into learning with a laugh; Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff!

Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff!

I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, The upstart I can wither with a whim; He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, But his laughter has an echo that is grim.

When they're offered to the world in merry guise, Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will, For he who'd make his fellow, fellow, fellow creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill!

For he who'd make his fellow, fellow, fellow creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill!

LIEUT. And how came you to leave your last employ?

POINT Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family circle. In truth, I ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir-- Wherein lay the difference between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that whereas His Grace was paid 10,000 a year for being good, poor Jack Point was good-- for nothing. 'Twas but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified clergy.

LIEUT. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence.

I have daughters.

POINT Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and anything objectionable is expunged. If your honour pleases, I will try then first on your honour's chaplain.

LIEUT. Can you give me an example? Say that I had sat me down hurriedly on something sharp?

POINT Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur of the moment.

LIEUT. Humph! I don't think much of that. Is that the best you can do?

POINT It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try again.

LIEUT. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is but half cooked.

POINT Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone cannot be helped.

LIEUT. I see. I think that manner of thing would be somewhat irritating.

POINT At first, sir, perhaps; but use is everything, and you would come in time to like it.

LIEUT. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen wench under my very nose.

POINT Under her very nose, good sir-- not under yours! That is where I would kiss her. Do you take me? Oh, sir, a pretty wit-- a pretty, pretty wit!

LIEUT. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will discuss this matter at length in my library.

POINT I am your wors.h.i.+p's servant. That is to say, I trust I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more serious topic, can you tell me, sir, why a cook's brain-pan is like an overwound clock?

LIEUT. A truce to this fooling-- follow me.

POINT Just my luck; my best conundrum wasted!

[Exeunt LIEUTENANT and POINT. Enter ELSIE from Tower, led by WILFRED, who removes the bandage from her eyes, and exits.

No. 10. 'Tis done! I am a bride!

(RECITATIVE AND SONG) Elsie

ELSIE 'Tis done! I am a bride! Oh, little ring, That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness That lovers hope for, and that poets sing, What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness?

A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise, To-day he dies! To-day, alas, he dies!

Though tear and long-drawn sigh Ill fit a bride, No sadder wife than I The whole world wide!

Ah me! Ah me!

Yet maids there be Who would consent to lose The very rose of youth, The flow'r of life, To be, in honest truth, A wedded wife, No matter whose!

No matter whose!