The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 156

No. 3. The soldiers of our Queen (Chorus and Solo) Dragoons and Colonel

DRAGOONS The soldiers of our Queen Are linked in friendly tether; Upon the battle scene They fight the foe together.

There ev'ry mother's son Prepared to fight and fall is; The enemy of one The enemy of all is!

The enemy of one The enemy of all is!

[On an order from the MAJOR they fall back.]

[Enter the COLONEL. All salute.]

COLONEL If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, [C.] Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon,

DRAGOONS [saluting] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune.

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory-- Genius of Bismarck devising a plan-- The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- The science of Jullien, the eminent musico-- Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery-- Narrative powers of d.i.c.kens and Thackeray-- Victor Emmanuel -- peak-haunting Peveril-- Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- Tupper and Tennyson -- Daniel Defoe-- Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot! Ah!

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL DRAGOONS

Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon, that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon, Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon, pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon, Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon, and take off the sc.u.m, a Heavy Dragoon, And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!

is the residuum!

COLONEL If you want a receipt for this soldier-like paragon, Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- The family pride of a Spaniard from Aragon-- Force of Mephisto p.r.o.nouncing a ban-- A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal-- Skill of Sir Garnet in thras.h.i.+ng a cannibal-- Flavour of Hamlet -- the Stranger, a touch of him-- Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)-- Beadle of Burlington -- Richardson's show-- Mister Micawber and Madame Tussaud! Ah!

DRAGOONS Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

COLONEL DRAGOONS

Take of these elements all A Heavy Dragoon, that is fusible a Heavy Dragoon, Melt them all down in a A Heavy Dragoon, pipkin or crucible-- a Heavy Dragoon, Set them to simmer, A Heavy Dragoon, and take off the sc.u.m, a Heavy Dragoon, And a Heavy Dragoon Is the residuum!

is the residuum!

COLONEL Well, here we are once more on the scene of our former triumphs. But where's the Duke?

[Enter DUKE, listlessly, and in low spirits.]

DUKE Here I am! [Sighs.]

COLONEL Come, cheer up, don't give way!

DUKE Oh, for that, I'm as cheerful as a poor devil can be expected to be who has the misfortune to be a Duke, with a thousand a day!

MAJOR Humph! Most men would envy you!

DUKE Envy me? Tell me, Major, are you fond of toffee?

MAJOR Very!

COLONEL We are all fond of toffee.

ALL We are!

DUKE Yes, and toffee in moderation is a capital thing. But to live on toffee -- toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for tea -- to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but toffee were offered to you -- how would you like that?

COLONEL I can quite believe that, under those circ.u.mstances, even toffee would become monotonous.

DUKE For "toffee" read flattery, adulation, and abject deference, carried to such a pitch that I began, at last, to think that man was born bent at an angle of forty-five degrees!

Great heavens, what is there to adulate in me? Am I particularly intelligent, or remarkably studious, or excruciatingly witty, or unusually accomplished, or exceptionally virtuous?

COLONEL You're about as commonplace a young man as ever I saw.

ALL You are!

DUKE Exactly! That's it exactly! That describes me to a T!

Thank you all very much! [Shakes hands with the Colonel] Well, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I joined this second-cla.s.s cavalry regiment. In the army, thought I, I shall be occasionally snubbed, perhaps even bullied, who knows? The thought was rapture, and here I am.

COLONEL [looking off] Yes, and here are the ladies!

DUKE But who is the gentleman with the long hair?

COLONEL I don't know.

DUKE He seems popular!

COLONEL He does seem popular!

[The DRAGOONS back up R., watching the entrance of the Ladies.

BUNTHORNE enters, L.U.E., followed by the Ladies, two and two, playing on harps as before. He is composing a poem, and is quite absorbed. He sees no one, but walks across the stage, followed by the Ladies, who take no notice of the DRAGOONS -- to the surprise and indignation of those officers.]

[Bunthorne, the Ladies following, comes slowly down L. and then crosses the stage to R.]

No. 4. In a doleful train (Chorus and Solos) Maidens, Ella, Angela, Saphir, Dragoons, and Bunthorne

MAIDENS In a doleful train Two and two we walk all day-- For we love in vain!

None so sorrowful as they Who can only sigh and say, Woe is me, alackaday!

Woe is me, alackaday!

DRAGOONS Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?

A thorough-paced absurdity -- explain it if you can.

Instead of rus.h.i.+ng eagerly to cherish us and foster us, They all prefer this melancholy literary man.

Instead of slyly peering at us, Casting looks endearing at us, Blus.h.i.+ng at us, flus.h.i.+ng at us, flirting with a fan; They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us!

Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!

They're actually sneering at us, fleering at us, jeering at us!

Pretty sort of treatment for a military man!