The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 16

NOT. By this ingenious law, If any two shall quarrel, They may not fight With falchions bright (Which seemed to him immoral); But each a card shall draw, And he who draws the lowest Shall (so 'twas said) Be thenceforth dead-- In fact, a legal "ghoest"

(When exigence of rhyme compels, Orthography forgoes her spells, And "ghost" is written "ghoest").

ALL (aside) With what an emphasis he dwells Upon "orthography" and "spells"!

That kind of fun's the lowest.

NOT. When off the loser's popped (By pleasing legal fiction), And friend and foe Have wept their woe In counterfeit affliction, The winner must adopt The loser's poor relations-- Discharge his debts, Pay all his bets, And take his obligations.

In short, to briefly sum the case, The winner takes the loser's place, With all its obligations.

ALL. How neatly lawyers state a case!

The winner takes the loser's place, With all its obligations!

LUD. I see. The man who draws the lowest card-- NOT. Dies, ipso facto, a social death. He loses all his civil rights--his ident.i.ty disappears--the Revising Barrister expunges his name from the list of voters, and the winner takes his place, whatever it may be, discharges all his functions, and adopts all his responsibilities.

ERN. This is all very well, as far as it goes, but it only protects one of us. What's to become of the survivor?

LUD. Yes, that's an interesting point, because I might be the survivor.

NOT. The survivor goes at once to the Grand Duke, and, in a burst of remorse, denounces the dead man as the moving spirit of the plot. He is accepted as King's evidence, and, as a matter of course, receives a free pardon. To-morrow, when the law expires, the dead man will, ipso facto, come to life again--the Revising Barrister will restore his name to the list of voters, and he will resume all his obligations as though nothing unusual had happened.

JULIA. When he will be at once arrested, tried, and executed on the evidence of the informer! Candidly, my friend, I don't think much of your plot!

NOT. Dear, dear, dear, the ignorance of the laity! My good young lady, it is a beautiful maxim of our glorious Const.i.tution that a man can only die once. Death expunges crime, and when he comes to life again, it will be with a clean slate.

ERN. It's really very ingenious.

LUD. (to NOTARY). My dear sir, we owe you our lives!

LISA (aside to LUDWIG). May I kiss him?

LUD. Certainly not: you're a big girl now. (To ERNEST.) Well, miscreant, are you prepared to meet me on the field of honour?

ERN. At once. By Jove, what a couple of fire-eaters we are!

LISA. Ludwig doesn't know what fear is.

LUD. Oh, I don't mind this sort of duel!

ERN. It's not like a duel with swords. I hate a duel with swords. It's not the blade I mind--it's the blood.

LUD. And I hate a duel with pistols. It's not the ball I mind--it's the bang.

NOT. Altogether it is a great improvement on the old method of giving satisfaction.

QUINTET.

LUDWIG, LISA, NOTARY, ERNEST, JULIA.

Strange the views some people hold!

Two young fellows quarrel-- Then they fight, for both are bold-- Rage of both is uncontrolled-- Both are stretched out, stark and cold!

Prithee, where's the moral?

Ding dong! Ding dong!

There's an end to further action, And this barbarous transaction Is described as "satisfaction"!

Ha! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction!

Ding dong! Ding dong!

Each is laid in churchyard mould-- Strange the views some people hold!

Better than the method old, Which was coa.r.s.e and cruel, Is the plan that we've extolled.

Sing thy virtues manifold (Better than refined gold), Statutory Duel!

Sing song! Sing song!

Sword or pistol neither uses-- Playing card he lightly chooses, And the loser simply loses!

Ha! ha! ha! ha! simply loses.

Sing song! Sing song!

Some prefer the churchyard mould!

Strange the views some people hold!

NOT. (offering a card to ERNEST).

Now take a card and gaily sing How little you care for Fortune's rubs--

ERN. (drawing a card).

Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn a King:

ALL. He's drawn a King!

He's drawn a King!

Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs!

ALL (dancing). He's drawn a King!

How strange a thing!

An excellent card--his chance it aids-- Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs-- Sing Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs and Spades!

NOT. (to LUDWIG).

Now take a card with heart of grace-- (Whatever our fate, let's play our parts).

LUD. (drawing card).

Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn an Ace!

ALL. He's drawn an Ace!

He's drawn an Ace!

Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts!

ALL (dancing).

He's drawn an Ace!

Observe his face-- Such very good fortune falls to few-- Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts-- Sing Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds too!

NOT. That both these maids may keep their troth, And never misfortune them befall, I'll hold 'em as trustee for both--

ALL. He'll hold 'em both!

He'll hold 'em both!

Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

ALL (dancing). By joint decree As {our/your} trustee This Notary {we/you} will now instal-- In custody let him keep {their/our} hearts, Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

[Dance and exeunt LUDWIG, ERNEST, and NOTARY with the two Girls.

March. Enter the seven Chamberlains of the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH.

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINS.

The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig, Though, in his own opinion, very very big, In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prig Is the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

Though quite contemptible, as every one agrees, We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese, So hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big, The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH. He is meanly and miserably dressed in old and patched clothes, but blazes with a profusion of orders and decorations. He is very weak and ill, from low living.