The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 19

Now you begin and pitch it strong--walk into me abusively--

LUD. (aside to RUDOLPH).

I've several epithets that I've reserved for you exclusively.

A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.

RUD. Now you begin

LUD. No, you begin--

RUD. No, you begin--

LUD. No, you begin!

CHORUS (trembling).

Has it happed as we expected?

Is our little plot detected?

DUET--RUDOLPH and LUDWIG

RUD. (furiously).

Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones!

Put him in a pillory!

Rack him with artillery!

LUD. (furiously).

Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones!

Fright him into fits!

Blow him into bits!

RUD. You m.u.f.f, sir!

LUD. You lout, sir!

RUD. Enough, sir!

LUD. Get out, sir! (Pushes him.)

RUD. A hit, sir?

LUD. Take that, sir! (Slaps him.)

RUD. It's t.i.t, sir,

LUD. For tat, sir!

CHORUS (appalled).

When two doughty heroes thunder, All the world is lost in wonder; When such men their temper lose, Awful are the words they use!

LUD. Tall sn.o.bs, small sn.o.bs, rich sn.o.bs and needy ones!

RUD. (jostling him). Whom are you alluding to?

LUD. (jostling him). Where are you intruding to?

RUD. Fat sn.o.bs, thin sn.o.bs, swell sn.o.bs and seedy ones!

LUD. I rather think you err.

To whom do you refer?

RUD. To you, sir!

LUD. To me, sir?

RUD. I do, sir!

LUD. We'll see, sir!

RUD. I jeer, sir!

(Makes a face at LUDWIG.) Grimace, sir!

LUD. Look here, sir-- (Makes a face at RUDOLPH.) A face, sir!

CHORUS (appalled).

When two heroes, once pacific, Quarrel, the effect's terrific!

What a horrible grimace!

What a paralysing face!

ALL. Big bombs, small bombs, etc.

LUD. and RUD. (recit.).

He has insulted me, and, in a breath, This day we fight a duel to the death!

NOT. (checking them).

You mean, of course, by duel (verb.u.m sat.), A Statutory Duel.

ALL. Why, what's that?

NOT. According to established legal uses, A card apiece each bold disputant chooses-- Dead as a doornail is the dog who loses-- The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!

ALL. The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!

RUD. and Lud. Agreed! Agreed!

RUD. Come, come--the pack!

LUD. (producing one). Behold it here!

RUD. I'm on the rack!