The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 22

For as gaily we pa.s.s on Probably we shall, anon, Sing a Diergeticon-- Eloia! Eloia!

Opoponax! Eloia!

RECIT.--LUDWIG.

Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches: Allow me to present your new Grand d.u.c.h.ess.

Should she offend, you'll graciously excuse her-- And kindly recollect I didn't choose her!

SONG--LUDWIG.

At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention To revive the cla.s.sic memories of Athens at its best, For the company possesses all the necessary dresses And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the rest.

We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic) Who respond to the ch.o.r.eut of that cultivated age, And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster Would accept as the ch.o.r.egus of the early Attic stage.

This return to cla.s.sic ages is considered in their wages, Which are always calculated by the day or by the week-- And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm, Which they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends that are Greek!

(Confidentially to audience.) At this juncture I may mention That this erudition sham Is but cla.s.sical pretension, The result of steady "cram.": Periphrastic methods spurning, To this audience discerning I admit this show of learning Is the fruit of steady "cram."!

CHORUS. Periphrastic methods, etc.

In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic (Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind), There they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold {Greek word} Which is what they called their lunch--and so may you if you're inclined.

As they gradually got on, they'd {four Greek words) (Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink).

But they mixed their wine with water--which I'm sure they didn't oughter-- And we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I think!

Then came rather risky dances (under certain circ.u.mstances) Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of Plays, Corybantian maniac kick--Dionysiac or Bacchic-- And the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days.

(Confidentially to audience.) And perhaps I'd better mention, Lest alarming you I am, That it isn't our intention To perform a Dithyramb-- It displays a lot of stocking, Which is always very shocking, And of course I'm only mocking At the prevalence of "cram"!

CHORUS. It displays a lot, etc.

Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation Which are not in strict accordance with the habits of our day, And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify, Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say.

For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes-- And a shower with their dresses must have played the very deuce, And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of sneezing, For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the use.

They wore little underclothing--scarcely anything--or nothing-- And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in design-- Well, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether"

And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the line!

(Confidentially to audience.) And again I wish to mention That this erudition sham Is but cla.s.sical pretension, The result of steady "cram."

Yet my cla.s.sic lore aggressive (If you'll pardon the possessive) Is exceedingly impressive When you're pa.s.sing an exam.

CHORUS. Yet his cla.s.sic lore, etc.

[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA.

LUD. (recit.).

Yes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated!

For when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs, To sovereign rank is promptly elevated, He takes it with its incidental drawbacks!

So Julia and I are duly mated!

(LISA, through this, has expressed intense distress at having to surrender LUDWIG.)

SONG--LISA.

Take care of him--he's much too good to live, With him you must be very gentle: Poor fellow, he's so highly sensitive, And O, so sentimental!

Be sure you never let him sit up late In chilly open air conversing-- Poor darling, he's extremely delicate, And wants a deal of nursing!

LUD. I want a deal of nursing!

LISA. And O, remember this-- When he is cross with pain, A flower and a kiss-- A simple flower--a tender kiss Will bring him round again!

His moods you must a.s.siduously watch: When he succ.u.mbs to sorrow tragic, Some hardbake or a bit of b.u.t.ter-scotch Will work on him like magic.

To contradict a character so rich In trusting love were simple blindness-- He's one of those exalted natures which Will only yield to kindness!

LUD. I only yield to kindness!

LISA. And O, the bygone bliss!

And O, the present pain!

That flower and that kiss-- That simple flower--that tender kiss I ne'er shall give again!

[Exit, weeping.

JULIA. And now that everybody has gone, and we're happily and comfortably married, I want to have a few words with my new-born husband.

LUD. (aside). Yes, I expect you'll often have a few words with your new-born husband! (Aloud.) Well, what is it?

JULIA. Why, I've been thinking that as you and I have to play our parts for life, it is most essential that we should come to a definite understanding as to how they shall be rendered.

Now, I've been considering how I can make the most of the Grand d.u.c.h.ess.

LUD. Have you? Well, if you'll take my advice, you'll make a very fine part of it.

JULIA. Why, that's quite my idea.

LUD. I shouldn't make it one of your hoity-toity vixenish viragoes.

JULIA. You think not?

LUD. Oh, I'm quite clear about that. I should make her a tender, gentle, submissive, affectionate (but not too affectionate) child-wife--timidly anxious to coil herself into her husband's heart, but kept in check by an awestruck reverence for his exalted intellectual qualities and his majestic personal appearance.

JULIA. Oh, that is your idea of a good part?

LUD. Yes--a wife who regards her husband's slightest wish as an inflexible law, and who ventures but rarely into his august presence, unless (which would happen seldom) he should summon her to appear before him. A crushed, despairing violet, whose blighted existence would culminate (all too soon) in a lonely and pathetic death-scene! A fine part, my dear.

JULIA. Yes. There's a good deal to be said for your view of it. Now there are some actresses whom it would fit like a glove.

LUD. (aside). I wish I'd married one of 'em!

JULIA. But, you see, I must consider my temperament. For instance, my temperament would demand some strong scenes of justifiable jealousy.

LUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. You shall have them.

JULIA. With a lovely but detested rival-- LUD. Oh, I'll provide the rival.

JULIA. Whom I should stab--stab--stab!

LUD. Oh, I wouldn't stab her. It's been done to death. I should treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain, and delicately withdraw from a position which, to one of your sensitive nature, would be absolutely untenable. Dear me, I can see you delicately withdrawing, up centre and off!

JULIA. Can you?

LUD. Yes. It's a fine situation--and in your hands, full of quiet pathos!

DUET--LUDWIG and JULIA.

LUD. Now Julia, come, Consider it from This dainty point of view-- A timid tender Feminine gender, Prompt to coyly coo-- Yet silence seeking, Seldom speaking Till she's spoken to-- A comfy, cosy, Rosy-posy Innocent ingenoo!

The part you're suited to-- (To give the deuce her due) A sweet (O, jiminy!) Miminy-piminy, Innocent ingenoo!

ENSEMBLE.

LUD. JULIA.

The part you're suited to-- I'm much obliged to you, (To give the deuce her due) I don't think that would do-- A sweet (O, jiminy!) To play (O, jiminy!) Miminy-piminy, Miminy-piminy, Innocent ingenoo! Innocent ingenoo!

JULIA. You forget my special magic (In a high dramatic sense) Lies in situations tragic-- Undeniably intense.

As I've justified promotion In the histrionic art, I'll submit to you my notion Of a first-rate part.