The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 5

TESS. It's a rude question--but about ten minutes.

DON AL. Remarkably fine children! But surely you are jesting?

TESS. In other words, we were married about ten minutes since.

DON AL. Married! You don't mean to say you are married?

MAR. Oh yes, we are married.

DON AL. What, both of you?

ALL. All four of us.

DON AL. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward!

GIA. You don't mind, I suppose?

TESS. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I presume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him--he was. He's heart-broken!

DON AL. No, no, I wasn't! I wasn't!

GIU. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's satisfied--you can go!

DON AL. You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I don't think you know who I am.

GIU. Not we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans, heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor oppression, we abhor kings: as we detest vain-glory, we detest rank: as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are Venetian gondoliers--your equals in everything except our calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.

DON AL. Bless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King of Barataria.

ALL. What!

DON AL. And I trust--I trust it was that one who slapped me on the shoulder and called me his man!

GIU. One of us a king!

MAR. Not brothers!

TESS. The King of Barataria! [Together]

GIA. Well, who'd have thought it!

MAR. But which is it?

DON AL. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans, and hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once.

Good morning! (Going.) GIA. and TESS. Oh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop him.) GIU. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.

When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.

DON AL. I see. It's a delicate distinction.

GIU. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king--an ideal king--the creature of my fancy, you know--who would be absolutely un.o.bjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes and make everything cheap, except gondolas-- MAR. And give a great many free entertainments to the gondoliers-- GIU. And let off fireworks on the Grand Ca.n.a.l, and engage all the gondolas for the occasion-- MAR. And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers.

GIU. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.

MAR. And so would I!

DON AL. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not insuperable.

MAR. and GIU. Oh, they're not insuperable.

GIA. and TESS. No, they're not insuperable.

GIU. Besides, we are open to conviction.

GIA. Yes; they are open to conviction.

TESS. Oh! they've often been convicted.

GIU. Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to conviction.

TESS. (to Gia.). Oh, he's a fine fellow!

GIA. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money!

DON AL. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary that you should a.s.sume the reins of Government at once; and, until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts.

MAR. As one individual?

DON AL. As one individual.

GIU. (linking himself with Marco). Like this?

DON AL. Something like that.

MAR. And we may take our friends with us, and give them places about the Court?

DON AL. Undoubtedly. That's always done!

MAR. I'm convinced!

GIU. So am I!

TESS. Then the sooner we're off the better.

GIA. We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)-- DON AL. Stop, stop--that won't do at all--ladies are not admitted.

ALL. What!

DON AL. Not admitted. Not at present. Afterwards, perhaps. We'll see.

GIU. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate us from our wives!

DON AL. (aside). This is very awkward! (Aloud.) Only for a time--a few months. Alter all, what is a few months?

TESS. But we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps.)

FINALE, ACT I.

SONG--GIANETTA.

Kind sir, you cannot have the heart Our lives to part From those to whom an hour ago We were united!

Before our flowing hopes you stem, Ah, look at them, And pause before you deal this blow, All uninvited!

You men can never understand That heart and hand Cannot be separated when We go a-yearning; You see, you've only women's eyes To idolize And only women's hearts, poor men, To set you burning!

Ah me, you men will never understand That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

Some kind of charm you seem to find In womankind-- Some source of unexplained delight (Unless you're jesting), But what attracts you, I confess, I cannot guess, To me a woman's face is quite Uninteresting!

If from my sister I were torn, It could be borne-- I should, no doubt, be horrified, But I could bear it;-- But Marco's quite another thing-- He is my King, He has my heart and none beside Shall ever share it!

Ah me, you men will never understand That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA.

Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief, Your separation will be very brief.

To ascertain which is the King And which the other, To Barataria's Court I'll bring His foster-mother; Her former nurseling to declare She'll be delighted.

That settled, let each happy pair Be reunited.

MAR., GIU., Viva! His argument is strong!

GIA., TESS. Viva! We'll not be parted long!

Viva! It will be settled soon!

Viva! Then comes our honeymoon!

(Exit Don Alhambra.)

QUARTET--MARCO, GIUSEPPE., GIANETTA, TESSA.

GIA. Then one of us will be a Queen, And sit on a golden throne, With a crown instead Of a hat on her head, And diamonds all her own!

With a beautiful robe of gold and green, I've always understood; I wonder whether She'd wear a feather?

I rather think she should!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, To be a regular Royal Queen!

No half-and-half affair, I mean, But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

MAR. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair, With the King on her left-hand side, And a milk-white horse, As a matter of course, Whenever she wants to ride!

With beautiful silver shoes to wear Upon her dainty feet; With endless stocks Of beautiful frocks And as much as she wants to eat!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

TESS. Whenever she condescends to walk, Be sure she'll s.h.i.+ne at that, With her haughty stare And her nose in the air, Like a well-born aristocrat!

At elegant high society talk She'll bear away the bell, With her "How de do?"

And her "How are you?"

And "I trust I see you well!"