The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 93

I've the greatest respect for ladies, and I wouldn't do anything of the kind for worlds! No, no. I'm not that kind of baronet, I a.s.sure you! If that's all you've got to say, you'd better go back to your frames.

SIR ROD. Very good--then let the agonies commence.

(Ghosts make pa.s.ses. Robin begins to writhe in agony.)

ROB. Oh! Oh! Don't do that! I can't stand it!

SIR ROD. Painful, isn't it? It gets worse by degrees.

ROB. Oh--Oh! Stop a bit! Stop it, will you? I want to speak.

(Sir Roderic makes signs to Ghosts, who resume their att.i.tudes.)

SIR ROD. Better?

ROB. Yes--better now! Whew!

SIR ROD. Well, do you consent?

ROB. But it's such an ungentlemanly thing to do!

SIR ROD. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on!

ROB. Stop--I can't stand it! I agree! I promise! It shall be done!

SIR ROD. To-day?

ROB. To-day!

SIR ROD. At once?

ROB. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it was anything like that!

CHORUS.

He yields! He answers to our call!

We do not ask for more.

A st.u.r.dy fellow, after all, This latest Ruddigore!

All perish in unheard-of woe Who dare our wills defy; We want your pardon, ere we go, For having agonized you so-- So pardon us-- So pardon us-- So pardon us-- Or die!

ROB. I pardon you!

I pardon you!

ALL. He pardons us- Hurrah!

(The Ghosts return to their frames.)

CHORUS. Painted emblems of a race, All accurst in days of yore, Each to his accustomed place Steps unwillingly once more!

(By this time the Ghosts have changed to pictures again. Robin is overcome by emotion.)

(Enter Adam.)

ADAM. My poor master, you are not well-- ROB. Old Adam, it won't do--I've seen 'em--all my ancestors--they're just gone. They say that I must do something desperate at once, or perish in horrible agonies. Go--go to yonder village--carry off a maiden--bring her here at once--any one--I don't care which-- ADAM. But-- ROB. Not a word, but obey! Fly!

(Exeunt Adam)

RECIT. and SONG--ROBIN.

Away, Remorse!

Compunction, hence!.

Go, Moral Force!

Go, Penitence!

To Virtue's plea A long farewell-- Propriety, I ring your knell!

Come, guiltiness of deadliest hue!

Come, desperate deeds of derring-do!

Henceforth all the crimes that I find in the Times.

I've promised to perpetrate daily; To-morrow I start with a petrified heart, On a regular course of Old Bailey.

There's confidence tricking, bad coin, pocket-picking, And several other disgraces-- There's postage-stamp prigging, and then thimble-rigging, The three-card delusion at races!

Oh! A baronet's rank is exceedingly nice, But the t.i.tle's uncommonly dear at the price!

Ye well-to-do squires, who live in the s.h.i.+res, Where petty distinctions are vital, Who found Athenaeums and local museums, With a view to a baronet's t.i.tle-- Ye butchers and bakers and candlestick makers Who sneer at all things that are tradey-- Whose middle-cla.s.s lives are embarra.s.sed by wives Who long to parade as "My Lady", Oh! allow me to offer a word of advice, The t.i.tle's uncommonly dear at the price!

Ye supple M.P.'s who go down on your knees, Your precious ident.i.ty sinking, And vote black or white as your leaders indite (Which saves you the trouble of thinking), For your country's good fame, her repute, or her shame, You don't care the snuff of a candle-- But you're paid for your game when you're told that your name Will be graced by a baronet's handle-- Oh! Allow me to give you a word of advice-- The t.i.tle's uncommonly dear at the price!

(Exit Robin.)

(Enter Despard and Margaret. They are both dressed in sober black of formal cut, and present a strong contrast to their appearance in Act I.)

DUET.

DES. I once was a very abandoned person-- MAR. Making the most of evil chances.

DES. n.o.body could conceive a worse 'un-- MAR. Even in all the old romances.

DES. I blush for my wild extravagances, But be so kind To bear in mind, MAR. We were the victims of circ.u.mstances!

(Dance.) That is one of our blameless dances.

MAR. I was once an exceedingly odd young lady-- DES. Suffering much from spleen and vapours.

MAR. Clergymen thought my conduct shady-- DES. She didn't spend much upon linen-drapers.

MAR. It certainly entertained the gapers.

My ways were strange Beyond all range-- DES. Paragraphs got into all the papers.

(Dance.)

DES. We only cut respectable capers.

DES. I've given up all my wild proceedings.

MAR. My taste for a wandering life is waning.

DES. Now I'm a dab at penny readings.

MAR. They are not remarkably entertaining.

DES. A moderate livelihood we're gaining.

MAR. In fact we rule A National School.

DES. The duties are dull, but I'm not complaining.

(Dance.)

This sort of thing takes a deal of training!

DES. We have been married a week.

MAR. One happy, happy week!

DES. Our new life-- MAR. Is delightful indeed!

DES. So calm!

MAR. So unimpa.s.sioned! (Wildly). Master, all this I owe to you! See, I am no longer wild and untidy. My hair is combed.

My face is washed. My boots fit!

DES. Margaret, don't. Pray restrain yourself. Remember, you are now a district visitor.