Sorta Like A Rock Star Part 15

He is a registered s.e.x offender.

Looking into his eyes makes you believe that life can be absolutely meaningless.

He is like every other man who makes people disappear in horrible unimaginable ways.

He reminds me of a Nietzsche quote I found while doing Joan of Old research: "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything."

Donna tells me this man will go to jail for life, that he will be punished in terrible ways over and over again by the other inmates-and I tell her I don't really care about any of that-in fact, I never want to talk about that man ever again, and I do not really care what happens to him.

CHAPTER 15.

I do not go back to school.

I lose fifteen pounds.

I am always cold.

I become very jumpy; any old noise will scare me horribly.

Donna tries to get me to see a therapist, but I refuse.

I cannot stand listening to Ricky's autistic nonsense, and I yell at him a lot-until he finally gets the message and just leaves me alone in my room.

I decide to quit being Amber Appleton, which isn't to say that I change my name or anything. I just decide that I can't keep living the way I used to live-swinging for the fences, believing that things are going to work out, that everything is worth fighting for, and that I am brave and strong enough to change my reality, because I'm not and I can't.

Joan of Old was right.

I get her now, and what she said about life being a h.e.l.l that I was only beginning to experience-that makes sense suddenly.

CHAPTER 16.

I'm not a kid anymore.

CHAPTER 17.

Ty, Jared, and Chad-in-a-backpack come over to Donna's and-in my new bedroom-they say a lot of dumb things.

At first, they say they are sorry, and ask what they can do, and when I don't say anything, they get sorta fidgety, and start talking about the recent Halo 3 games they have played in The Franks Lair, and how they are organizing an all-night video game tournament to help the football team raise money for new safer pads and helmets and other sundry equipment.

This seems important to them.

Back in the day, that news would have p.i.s.sed me off, because Lex and company are obviously just using my boys-but listening to Ty, Jared, and Chad go on and on, I can't even shrug.

I just stare at my boys with what I suppose is a very blank look on my face until they leave.

That night I tell Donna I don't want to see Ty, Jared, and Chad anymore-but she doesn't respond to my request.

CHAPTER 18.

Father Chee jogs to my house every single morning and comes up into my bedroom-even on Sundays, before he presides over Ma.s.s.

He never fails to show up.

If I am up, he'll ask if I want to talk.

For weeks, I do not want to talk, so FC just sits next to me for an hour, and we sorta breathe together.

We just sit on the edge of my bed breathing, occupying the same s.p.a.ce, which is okay with me, because I really like my Man of G.o.d, even if I am mad at G.o.d Himself.

If I'm not up, or if I am pretending to sleep, or if I am just lying there like usual, staring at the ceiling, Father Chee will kneel by my bed and bow his head.

If I ask him what he is doing, he'll say he is lifting me up to G.o.d, asking G.o.d to help me be whoever I need to be at this moment of my life.

He comes every day, and I don't mind his coming.

CHAPTER 19.

Franks sends me a card that reads: Dear Amber, We were very shaken by the news.

I am always here if you need me.

We miss you down in The Franks Lair.

I'm praying for you, and will be looking forward to your return.

Be well, Franks I throw his card away.

I throw away all of the flowers and cards from cla.s.smates and community members.

I don't even sniff or open any of those.

I do not want any of these flower arrangements or sympathy cards to exist, so I ask Donna to burn them in the backyard, but I never see any smoke rising past my window, so I don't think she is honoring my request.

CHAPTER 20.

This zombie-type mom in need of extra cash starts coming to "tutor" me, since I'm not going to school right now.

She's large.

She smells like mothb.a.l.l.s.

She never laughs or smiles or tells a joke.

She reminds me of a robot caked in meat.

Her name is Mrs. Redman.

My real teachers give her a.s.signments that I am supposed to complete. At first, there are little handwritten notes on the a.s.signments-encouraging words from my real teachers-but these notes disappear after a few weeks or so, which is when I realize that my teachers have given up on me. It didn't take them very long.

Because I still want to go to Bryn Mawr, I do all of my a.s.signments and show Mrs. Redman my work three times a week when she comes to visit me.

She gives me all A's, even when I answer incorrectly on purpose.

I think she is afraid of me, or something.

CHAPTER 21.

"Father Chee?"

"Yes, Amber?"

"Why does G.o.d allow men to go mentally insane?"

"I don't know."

"You'll never lie to me, will you?"

"No."

"Promise me. That you won't tell me lies like everyone else. That you won't BS me."

"I promise-I will never lie to you."

CHAPTER 22.

Prince Tony calls me on the phone from time to time, but I don't really listen to what he says to me. It's all c.r.a.p about the seasons of life and the ebb and flow and other blah-blah stuff adults tell you when they don't know what the h.e.l.l to say. "Do you understand?" he always asks me at the end of the conversations, and I always say yes.

CHAPTER 23.