Mercury Falls Part 29

"I did."

"So that you can get out of a book contract?"

"That's oversimplifying things a bit, but yes."

"And how is it that a waitress from Los Angeles has the power to command demons?"

"Ah," said Katie. "That's going to take some explaining. Are you sure you don't want some tea?"

"I'll take a Dr Pepper," said Karl.

"I have Mr Pibb," said Katie.

"Nah," said Karl. "I've got a reputation and stuff. I don't think the Antichrist would drink Mr Pibb."

Katie nodded understandingly. "It's good that you're finally embracing your ident.i.ty," she said. "Now, where to start....

"First off, my real name is Tiamat. I'm a demon a fallen angel, if you prefer. I rebelled against Heaven shortly after Lucifer did, several thousand years back. The Almighty took issue with the size of the ziggurats I was building. Anyway, Lucifer was convinced that the best way to keep Heaven at bay was to plague the Hebrews at every opportunity. They were supposedly G.o.d's chosen people, so he reasoned that if he could keep them down, Heaven's influence on earth would be minimized. After a while, they started calling him 'the adversary,' or Satan. Frankly I thought he was wasting his time. I didn't think Abraham's little flock was ever going to amount to anything, so I focused on the Babylonians. I did my best to build Babylon into a sophisticated modern society as well as a powerful military ent.i.ty, of course. h.e.l.l, we nearly wiped out the Hebrews entirely. If I hadn't gotten c.o.c.ky and kept them as slaves rather than finis.h.i.+ng them off like I should have....

"Anyway, I eventually lost my grip on the Hebrews, and things went downhill from there. Meanwhile, Lucifer was growing ever more powerful, and I ended up working for him. The situation for the Hebrews looked hopeless. After a while only two of the twelve tribes were left, stubbornly resisting Roman rule. Prophets hardly ever appeared any more, and when they did, they'd be executed pretty quickly. Lucifer was especially proud of how he handled John the Baptist. Then this Jesus of Nazareth appeared, and Lucifer decided to make a public display of his execution, to let the Hebrews know once and for all who was in charge. Well, as you know, that that went horribly wrong. went horribly wrong.

"After that debacle, there was a big shakeup of the bureaucracy in h.e.l.l. I seized what I thought was my opportunity to take control of all the Fallen, but Lucifer was more stubborn and resourceful than I gave him credit for. He a.s.sembled a coalition of demons against me, and I was defeated. Lucifer cast me down to the Mundane Plane, where he's had me doing petty errands for him ever since. So when Lucifer needed someone to a.s.sume the ident.i.ty of Katie Midford, Los Angeles waitress-turned bestselling author, he came to me. Of course, he didn't tell me that I'd have to actually work as a waitress for twelve years before he even put the Charlie Nyx part of the plan into motion. And even after the first book was published, he made me wait tables for three more years, just out of spite, the insolent b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

Christine's head was reeling. Karl sat in confused silence.

"So," Christine said, "Lucifer put you up to writing a series of children's books?"

"Young adult fantasy," corrected Katie.

"For what purpose?"

"Well, to promote Satanism, for one thing," said Katie. "Although its effectiveness in that regard has been limited. But that was just one motivation behind the Charlie Nyx books. Lucifer also needed a distraction from what was going on in the Middle East. Or, should I say, a distraction from the distraction, because the Olive Branch War was a feint as well. He wanted people thinking that the Olive Branch War was the beginning of the Apocalypse, and to do that, he had to frame it as part of a larger context. A skirmish in the Middle East is hardly news any more, but Lucifer saw his opportunity with that Olive Branch incident. He used his agents to manipulate the news media into imparting that little scuffle with symbolic significance. And to cement the illusion, we played our ace in the hole. First, you get the religious folks worked up about the relatively minor threat posed by Charlie Nyx and then, while you have their attention, you introduce Karl Grissom, the Antichrist."

Karl smiled, evidently pleased with himself.

Christine said, "So you get the fundamentalists up in arms about Armageddon in the Middle East and the Antichrist appearing in California..."

"Not just the fundamentalists. Anyone who spends their time looking for such signs and wonders. That includes most of the angelic bureaucracy. The idea was to convince everyone that things were going according to plan, like clockwork. So the Council releases the four attache cases, and things predictably escalate."

Christine interjected, "And then Lucifer knocks off Karl, blames it on Michael and withdraws from the Accord. While Heaven is still trying to get its boots on, he attacks without warning from his portal in Los Angeles. Humanity is basically wiped out." Christine thought for a moment. "But why?"

"Why? Why does Lucifer want to destroy humanity? Beats me. He's a sore loser, I guess. You'd have to ask him."

"So you don't want to wipe out humanity?"

"Not at all," said Katie. "I want to subjugate humanity with an iron fist."

"Ah," said Christine. "That's actually not, from my point of view, a huge improvement."

Katie shrugged. "Your race was destined to exist at the whims of higher beings. The amount of attention that Heaven lavishes on you is absurd. Eventually they will realize that you're not worth the trouble. And then this whole plane will be mine."

"And how does Harry figure into this?"

"Harry is plugged into Angel Band. At least to some degree. Most prophets are. That's where he's been getting his information. He is able to receive fragments of communications between angels. His rather fatalistic outlook seems to have arisen from his contact with this Eddie Pratt, a rather morose cherub." She added, "All sentient beings have some sensitivity to Angel Band, of course. That's how demonic corruption works. Lucifer has a whole plane dedicated to demons planting ideas in the minds of other sentient beings."

"I've been there," said Christine. "Not a pleasant place."

"I would think not," said Katie. "We took advantage of this same channel of communication to deliver certain information to Harry. Specifically, we used Eddie to convince him that Karl is the Antichrist, and that it was Harry's destiny to denounce him. The risk with Lucifer's plan was that people would see Karl and realize that he couldn't possibly be the actual Antichrist. Because, you know...."

She gestured at Karl, who smiled again.

"Lucifer needed someone easy to control and easy to dispose of when the time came, but we also needed him to be officially denounced by a prominent leader of the faithful. Heaven and h.e.l.l keep a rolling list of ten leaders who are eligible to denounce the Antichrist, and most of the ten wouldn't have lowered themselves to denouncing someone like Karl. The pope, for example. You can't interest the pope in something like that. It's beneath him."

"Not Harry, though."

"No, not Harry. If anybody was going to be taken in by our plan, it was going to have to be Harry. And it had to happen quickly because Lucifer needed things to progress to the point of no return before Heaven got wind of what he was up to. So we whispered in Eddie's ear, and Eddie whispered in Harry's ear. You find, after a few thousand years of corrupting mortals, that people with the most rigid religious viewpoints are the most predictable, and, therefore, easiest to manipulate. They'll do something completely against their better judgment if you can convince them that their doing it fits into some Divine Plan that they can't understand. Humans are easy. The hardest part of this whole plan was dealing with Lucifer's incompetent minions. Like that idiot Izbazel. If it were up to him, Karl would have been dead before he was ever officially denounced. I don't know what Lucifer sees in that knucklehead."

"Okay," said Christine, "But so far it sounds like you and Lucifer are on the same side. Where does your brilliant scheming fit in?"

Katie said, "Well, you may have noticed that Karl is not, in fact, dead. Izbazel is probably reconst.i.tuting right now...."

"Reconst.i.tuting?"

"Everyone within 500 yards of that anti-bomb was torn to pieces," Katie said, "including Mercury and Izbazel. Yes, in case you were wondering, I know all about Mercury's involvement."

Christine couldn't help feeling relieved. "So Mercury isn't dead?"

"Angels don't die," said Katie. "He's unincorporated."

"Unincorporated?" asked Christine. "Like the Mulholland Corridor?"

"Lacking a corporeal form. As I said, Mercury and Izbazel will be reconst.i.tuting shortly on whatever plane the anti-bomb sucked them into. Izbazel will be called home by Lucifer, who will be hoping for confirmation that Karl has been killed. He's going to be disappointed. And you do not want to be around Lucifer when he's been disappointed. Izbazel will be lucky not to spend the next ten thousand years as a crustacean.

"My plan was originally to contact Heaven and let them know that I have some valuable information about a certain planned sneak attack, and that I might be willing to share it in exchange for certain concessions. I've been informed by my contact at the Arbitration Panel of the Subcommittee for Adjudication of Matters of Alleged Violations of the Apocalypse Accord, however, that someone has already tipped them off. I don't suppose you know anything about that, Christine?"

Christine said nothing. Inwardly, she was thrilled to realize that not absolutely everything she had done over the past several days had been scripted. She had been able to throw one wrench in the machinery at least.

"It's of no importance," said Katie, waving her hand. "The important thing is that I have Karl. If Lucifer goes ahead with his attack now, he needs my cooperation. Otherwise I can go public with Lucifer's plans and the fact that Karl is still alive. I'm free! I'm finally free!"

"So you're not going to let Lucifer wipe out humanity?" Christine asked.

"A burnt out sh.e.l.l of a planet is no use to me," said Katie. "Although a few well-placed anti-bombs could go a long way toward making the human race into an army of thralls."

"Okay, well, we're glad everything worked out for you," said Christine, getting to her feet. "Karl, I think it's time for us to go."

"Oh, you're not going anywhere," said Katie. "Those men outside with the guns? My own personal cherubim guard. They're out there to keep you two from leaving just as much as to keep anyone else from getting in. Of course, Christine, I don't particularly need you you, except insofar as you help me manage... my other a.s.set."

"Yeah, I got it," Christine said, sitting back down on the couch. "You know, you can pretty much just speak English. It's not like he's going to understand you anyway."

"Who's not going to understand what?" asked Karl.

THIRTY-SIX.

"So what did you tell Bright Eyes?"

"Bright Eyes?"

"It's my new nickname for Lucifer," said Mercury. "I'm hoping it catches on."

The two angels had materialized in the Temporary Portal Arrivals area of the planeport and were making their way down the concourse.

Izbazel grunted. "I told him what you said. That there were some complications with the a.s.sa.s.sination, and that I needed to speak with him in private."

"How'd that go over?"

"About as well as you'd expect. He threatened to turn me into a newt."

"No worries," Mercury said. "I think I've figured out a way for everyone to live happily ever after."

"Everybody?"

"Well, almost everybody. And not so much happy as only mildly disgruntled."

"And the 'ever after' part?"

"Actually," said Mercury thoughtfully, "it's more like 'for the very short term future.' So, to modify my original statement slightly, I've probably found a way to keep almost everyone from becoming more than mildly disgruntled for the very near future."

"That's fantastically rea.s.suring," said Izbazel. "I don't suppose you're going to let me in on your plan."

"Better not," said Mercury. "Plans on which you've been fully briefed have a poor track record. Plans that you're completely in the dark on, on the other hand, seem to work out pretty well. Your ignorance seems to be a key element of any successful plan."

Izbazel asked, "Does this plan end with me being turned into a newt, by any chance?"

"With any plan, there's always a small chance of someone being turned into a newt. I can't make any a.s.surances. The only thing I can tell you is that you have slightly better odds with my plan than with your last one."

"Fine. I get it. I have no choice but to go along with whatever it is you're planning. But you can at least tell me the next step in your plan for near-universal mild disgruntledness."

"Sure," said Mercury. "Go grab that cherub."

"What?"

"That's the next step in my plan. I need you to go grab that cherub over there. The one that looks like he fell off the cover of Van Halen's 1984 1984."

"Van what?"

"Just go get him. Tell him Mercury needs a witness. Hurry up, he's getting away."

Izbazel hmph hmphed and set off after Perpetiel, who was buzzing away toward the baggage carousel. After a brief exchange, Izbazel returned with Perpetiel behind him.

"Mercury, you old salt!" said Perp. "Have I ever told you how to get red wine out of cashmere?"

"Minor miracle," said Mercury. "It's the only way."

"I know, it's a b.i.t.c.h, isn't it? Poor benighted mortals. Who's this guy? He looks like somebody just threatened to turn him into a newt."

"This is Izbazel," said Mercury. "He works for Lucifer."

Perp c.o.c.ked his head at Izbazel. "How's that working out for you?"

"Not so great," said Izbazel.

"He suckered you in with stock options, didn't he? I've seen it a thousand times."

Mercury said, "How've you been, Perp? Anything interesting happening in the world of Transport and Communications?"

"Same old," said Perp. "Shoulda seen the pack of noobs here earlier. I swear, these tourists get more tiresome every year."

"I'm sure you made out well in tips."

"You have no idea. So what's this about you needing my services?"

"Got a contract for you to witness," said Mercury. "Your paperwork is in order, I a.s.sume?"

"Of course," replied Perp. "As an agent of the Bureau of Transport and Communications, it is my duty to retain the proper certifications. My Witnessing License is in good order, sir."

"Good. Give me an hour of your time, and I'll let you tell me all about how to make mock hollandaise sauce some time."

"Sure. Who's the contract with?"

"Lucifer."

"Ha! Always the kidder, eh, Merc? Seriously, I need to know who the contract is with."

"Seriously, Perp. It's Lucifer. I need his help to unkidnap a friend of mine."

"A mortal, I can only a.s.sume."

"You a.s.sume correctly."

Perp snorted. "These mortals. They are mere prawns, being shoved about by "

"p.a.w.ns," Mercury said.