Impetuous. Part 15

Tyler threw back his head and laughed harshly. "Lady, you haven't got a clue. How could you understand my feelings when you don't have any of your own? h.e.l.l, you're not even real. You're make-believe-and there's too d.a.m.n many of you for me to keep track of."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She hated feeling defensive, and she hated lying. Deep down, she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Who are you now, Carlie? I haven't met this woman before. The harem girl I know intimately, I met that timid little kitten at the pool house. She blew my socks off, wanting my body and very little conversation. A good woman if ever there was one. And then I met the school teacher. p.r.i.c.kly woman, with the worst taste in clothing I have ever seen. Of course, she made up for it with her show of honesty and compa.s.sion and concern. A born actress. And now you. A woman who offers abject apologies left and right. A woman who lied and manipulated without a single qualm, and now, apparently, is sorry for it. It's a good act, I admit, but somehow I can't quite believe you're all that repentant. You played your little game too d.a.m.n convincingly."

Carlie's mind went blank. All her barely contained emotions settled into one dull ache that she suppressed deep inside herself. The more emotion she gave him, the more he would mock her. And she couldn't bear it. "You're right. But each of those women had something in common, Tyler. Something you obviously missed. They were each a fool and an idiot. And you can believe me this time-liar that I am-they're gone. You won't see them again. Well, perhaps you'll see the school teacher, but that's entirely up to you. If you wish to quit the program at school, I'll understand. I even encourage you to do so. I'll find someone else. It would be for the best if we didn't expose the children to any animosity."

She turned and began pulling clothes from her closet, all but dismissing Tyler. She wasn't going to continue to apologize. He obviously didn't want to hear it, and just as certainly, he didn't believe her regret. She'd learned long ago, if one apology wasn't sufficient, a hundred wouldn't do, either.

Tyler caught her arm, turning her to face him. "You're trying to make me out to be the villain here, Carlie." His eyes were clouded with confusion. "I'm the one who was used, the one who was made to look like a fool."

Carlie jerked her arm free. His touch was still disturbing, regardless of all that had happened. "I've thought you many things, Tyler, but never a fool. And as I recall, you didn't object overly to being used. You initiated the...intimacies. And as far as the other... well, you should remember I tried to keep our relations.h.i.+p platonic. You're the one who pushed, not me."

"You called me one night," he accused softly, ignoring her words. "Why would you do that except to taunt me?"

Carlie managed a casual shrug, but it was difficult. Her humiliation was gone, buried with her regret. But he was so large and imposing, she couldn't help being very aware of him, of his maleness in contrast to her femininity. He was naked, he was angry and there was no avoiding a confrontation.

She refused to cower, to lower her eyes from his perceptive stare. "I already admitted to being a fool. Just think of that call as another example of my foolishness." She wasn't about to tell him she'd been searching for some truth behind his attentiveness, some sign that he wasn't just playing with her. She'd already given enough of herself away.

"But why, Carlie? Why the d.a.m.ned charade in the first place?" He was back to shouting, his face dark with renewed anger.

And he still hadn't put a st.i.tch of clothing on.

Carlie stepped quickly away from him, and headed for the bathroom. She had to get away, had to find a moment's privacy to collect herself and call up her reserve. She had the choking need to break down and cry like a baby. She would never feel a loss as greatly as she felt it now. She had lost Tyler.

Who was she kidding? She'd never had Tyler in the first place. She'd reminded herself of that often enough. But somehow, because they had shared s.e.x-she would no longer consider it lovemaking-she had allowed herself to indulge in a whimsical dream. She was such a fraud.

She turned back to Tyler, and caught him watching her intently, a look closely resembling concern s.h.i.+ning in his eyes. She disregarded that possibility. He hated her now. She could feel it. "The charade was unintentional, if you'll remember correctly. I had left the party. You followed me. But I suppose some part of me was pathetic enough to appreciate the attention you gave me. It surprised me. It..." She swallowed. "I was flattered. But I learn from my mistakes, Tyler. Believe me." She laughed, then, a bubbling, nervous sound. She lowered her head with the force of it.

She felt Tyler move toward her and reach out a hand. "Carlie?"

The single word was sharp, edged with a vague emotion Carlie couldn't begin to fathom. She stepped away from him, still chuckling. "Oh, it's too funny. Tyler Ramsey, the stud of the community, feeling used by Carlie McDaniels! It's too absurd to be real. But don't worry, Tyler. I won't tell a single soul. After all, who would ever believe me?"

He flexed his jaw, his stance deceptively mild. "You think it's funny?"

Her smile twisted into a sneer and her eyes narrowed. "I think it's hilarious. One of those too-strange-to-be-true scenarios better shoved to the back of the closet, never to be thought of again."

Tyler caught her chin, and her grin vanished instantly. "You won't be able to forget, Carlie. At least be honest with yourself now." His thumb teased over her bottom lip, and there was genuine regret in the words he muttered. "You won't ever be able to forget." Then he straightened, all signs of disappointment magically disappearing. "I'd actually thought you were different. And in a way you are. You were able to fool me completely. No other woman has done that. You're to be congratulated."

Carlie nearly cried out at those words. Instead, she bit her lip, whirled and slammed into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. The pain nearly suffocated her, making her knees weak and stealing her resolve. She sank, defeated, to the edge of the tub, her fist in her mouth to stifle her low sobs.

She stayed there, hearing Tyler dress quietly, hearing the sounds of him preparing to leave. And then the closing of the door, so soft, so final, so very, very real.

And she broke, crying with all the energy of someone who knows she's lost something invaluable. Something she's never had but always desperately wanted.

"Tyler! My goodness, you're a sight!"

"Why the h.e.l.l didn't you tell me, Brenda!" He stuck his face close to hers. "I'm your brother-in-law! I'm family! I can't believe you would stab me in the back like this!"

Brenda covered her chest with one hand, her eyes wide. "Whatever are you shouting about? What's happened?"

Jason entered the room, took one look at his brother and put himself in front of his wife. "Calm down, Tyler."

"Calm down! Do you know...?"

"Yes." Jason's voice was very quiet in comparison to Tyler's. "I know. But I can't let you yell at my wife. Now settle down."

Tyler was thunderstruck. "You knew, too?"

"Don't look so shocked. No one told me, but I figured it out quickly enough. I have to admit, I was surprised you didn't."

Brenda gasped then, shoving her husband aside. She faced Tyler with the most alarmed expression he'd ever seen on her face. "This is about Carlie? You've found out?"

"Yes, dammit! Your little game is over. Did you two sit down to tea and laugh over watching me make a fool of myself? Did she give you all the juicy details?"

Jason opened his mouth, but Brenda didn't give him time to interject. "Oh, Tyler, it wasn't like that!" Then she bit her lip. "You're angry. You...you didn't hurt her, did you?"

Tyler threw up his hands in a gesture of despair. "I don't believe you asked me that! Since when have I been such a b.a.s.t.a.r.d that I'd hurt a woman? I may have felt like strangling you both, but I would never-"

"I don't mean physically. I know you would never lay a hand on a woman." Then she reached up to touch his cheek. "But she's so fragile, Tyler. She's been hurt so much. Please, tell me you didn't do or say anything to hurt her feelings."

She was looking so anxious, Tyler frowned at her. Reluctantly, he admitted, "I was d.a.m.ned angry."

Brenda searched his face, then turned to Jason, her eyes huge. "I'm going to go check on her."

Jason nodded, then bent to kiss her cheek. "Be careful driving. Don't hurry. I doubt she's going anywhere." He handed Brenda the car keys from a hook by the phone, catching her just before she started out. "Everything will work out."

Brenda glanced quickly at Tyler, who only looked back in exasperation. She sighed. "Don't be so sure of that, Jason. I'm not."

Tyler watched her rush out, then turned to his brother. "Aren't you the least bit irate on my behalf? Do you even know the whole story? I was lied to."

Jason sat, crossing his arms on the kitchen table. "No, you weren't. Unfortunately, Carlie's been honest with you from the start. She's been herself, and that's as honest as it gets. Now, I sincerely hope you're going to sit down here and tell me you didn't just manage to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to you."

Tyler sat, but it wasn't a concession as much as he suddenly needed the stability of a chair. He could hardly credit his brother's defection. "A woman who lies to me and plays juvenile games is the best thing that's ever happened to me? What the h.e.l.l would be the worst?"

Jason gave him a long look, then sighed. "The worst, the way I see it, is if you just did so much damage, Carlie crawls back into her sh.e.l.l and never gives you a second chance. And that's a very real possibility." Jason looked his brother over, taking in Tyler's still-disheveled hair and unshaven face. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

Tyler realized how foolish his part sounded in the charade, but he needed to talk. He could barely absorb the reality of what he'd discovered. "I just realized that Carlie and my mystery woman are one and the same." He laughed in self-derision. "Do you know, I was actually feeling guilty because I thought I cared so much for Carlie, and yet I was still curious to know who the other woman was. What a joke."

"What did you do?"

Tyler winced at the suspicion in his brother's words. "I kicked up a fuss, of course. I mean, Carlie knew it was her I had-" Tyler halted. He hadn't told anyone he'd made love to his harem girl-and he was pretty certain Carlie hadn't said anything either. Regardless of what had happened now, that night was special, and he wouldn't ruin it. He stared at his brother, then looked away. "h.e.l.l, Bren probably told Carlie I'd been asking about her. It's all so humiliating."

"Yeah. Imagine how Carlie feels."

Tyler's jaw dropped open, but he shut it with a snap. "What about me?"

Jason snorted in disgust. It was a good simulation of Carlie's snort, but without her flair.

"You're a big boy. You've been around. So you were a bit embarra.s.sed? You two could have talked about it, about why Carlie felt so unsure of herself as a woman that she'd have to hide behind a disguise in the first place. Who knows, you may have even been able to laugh about it."

"Fat chance!"

There was silence, and Jason got up to pour Tyler a cup of coffee. After setting the cup on the table, he clasped Tyler's shoulder, giving him a brotherly squeeze.

Tyler shook his head. Jason always did that. He could give Tyler h.e.l.l about something, but he always let him know he cared, either by a pat on the back, a squeeze to the shoulder or an occasional bear hug. They were closer than most brothers, and Tyler never doubted his loyalty.

He waited another second or two until Jason had reseated himself, then he took the bait. "So why is Carlie so insecure?"

Jason idly traced the edge of his coffee cup with his fingertip. "Don't you think that's a question you ought to ask Carlie?"

Swamped with emotions he couldn't sort out, Tyler chose to go on the defensive. "I shouldn't have to ask. If she has a good reason for doing what she did, she ought to come to me and tell me."

"And if she doesn't do that?"

Tyler stubbornly shook his head. "I don't know."

"I think you better make up your mind fast."

That was impossible to do. G.o.d, things could get so tangled. He'd only just decided he loved Carlie... Tyler felt his chest squeeze tight. Love? That word had the ability to scare him spitless, but that was probably what it was. Because now that things had soured, he was hurting worse than he'd ever hurt in his life. Surely only love could do that to a man. And what if Carlie did have good reason for doing what she'd done? He hadn't even asked her. He'd let his injured pride guide him, when in his heart, he knew Carlie was incapable of simply using anyone. If she felt she had to resort to deception, she must have had a very good reason.

And he'd probably just ruined whatever trust she'd previously had in him.

Tyler dropped his head onto the table, and it landed with a solid thud.

Jason went on, apparently unmoved by his brother's dejection. "This is going to be really hard for Carlie to take. It's not enough that you know, but now both Bren and I do, as well. I would imagine she's feeling utterly alone right now. She doesn't have anyone, you know. No family, no-"

Tyler raised his head, and pounded it back down on the table. Twice.

"Tyler, quit trying to shake your brains loose and tell me what you're going to do."

He sat back up, his eyes bloodshot and burning, his head aching abominably, feeling totally defeated. "I think I might have blown it, Jason. Some of the things I said..."

"So you're going to try to work it out?"

Tyler covered his face with his hands. "I don't know. h.e.l.l, she'll probably never speak to me again."

"Give her a few days. She'll calm down."

"Yeah, maybe." But he didn't believe it. He thought of the look on Carlie's face as he'd hurled accusations...the way she'd backed away from him. Her nearly hysterical laugh.

Tyler closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was afraid he'd thrown away something precious. All because of his injured pride. "She's incredible, you know. Absolutely incredible."

Jason raised an eyebrow. "Are we talking about in bed?"

Tyler looked up, a frown solidly in place. "No! I mean..." He narrowed his eyes at his brother, then shook his head. "I was talking about other things."

Jason watched him, a slight smile on his face. Tyler didn't even notice. "She's terrific with the kids. So patient and gentle, but boy, do they ever listen to her. They go out of their way to please her. And the parents! They hang on to her every word, as if she speaks the gospel. And she's so intelligent. Loads of common sense-except when it comes to her own worth. She hides behind those d.a.m.ned ugly clothes. I hate that."

Tipping his head back, Tyler stared at the ceiling, feeling hopeless and lost. "We had fun, Jason. Real, genuine fun. I would have sooner spent time with Carlie than anyone I know."

"You love her."

Still staring at the ceiling, Tyler said, "Yeah. I think I do. But love is a d.a.m.n strange thing. I can't decide if I like it or not."

"I know I hated it when I fell for Brenda. I went through major denial. But then I'd see some clown talking to her, and I'd want to kill him. And I couldn't keep my hands off her. She'd yawn and I'd want her. She'd smile and I'd get hard as a rock."

Tyler scoffed, even though he was suffering the same thing. "I remember. You were warped."

Jason merely grinned. "I still am. It's terrific."

Tyler made a quick decision, and immediately felt better. "I have to go see her."

Jason gave him a cautious look. "Do you think that's wise? Carlie needs time to-"

"I don't mean right this minute. We both need time to think and I'm not sure I can think straight at all when I'm around her." Then he grinned. "h.e.l.l, I can hardly think when I'm not around her. At least, not about anything other than her."

Jason clasped Tyler's shoulder, walking with him to the door. "It's love, all right." Then he grew serious. "But you have to be sure, Tyler. You have to be certain of what you want. Get your own thoughts straight before you make matters worse. The way you look now, you'd only go there and end up fighting with her again."

Tyler smiled ruefully. "Don't worry. It's not fighting I have in mind."

Jason slapped him on the back. "Remember that."

What a waste of time crying was.

It never solved anything and it was embarra.s.sing. Brenda was sympathetic, but Carlie didn't want sympathy. She wanted solitude, she wanted time to think, and luckily, Brenda was a good enough friend to realize it.

It had been almost two days since she'd last seen Tyler, since the morning he'd walked out her door with the obvious intent of never coming back. Luckily, there hadn't been any basketball practices scheduled, so she didn't have to worry about seeing him at school.

At least, not yet. She had no idea how Tyler intended to handle that. She certainly wouldn't quit. That would smack of cowardice, and she had too much pride to be the first to give up. But the thought of seeing him, of trying to be sociable under the circ.u.mstances, was nearly too much. She had to get her act together, and she had to do it now.

A warm shower helped to revive her somewhat, and she tried to concentrate her thoughts on the children, on figuring out some way to help the more financially unfortunate families. She also needed some exercise to rid her of her tension.

She had a plan. It was foolproof, which was necessary, since she'd proven herself several times a fool. Part of the secret of recovering from shame and heartache was to make everyone else believe it didn't matter one whit, and pretty soon, after convincing them, you automatically convinced yourself.

Carlie dressed in several layers of sweats, tied her sneakers neatly, and went out the door. The November air was very brisk, and the sky was overcast and gray. The wind was playful, blowing hard one minute, sending stray wisps of hair slas.h.i.+ng across her eyes, and then dying, leaving the air strangely still and silent.

Carlie breathed deeply of the scents of approaching winter. It would snow soon, and before long the holidays would be here. That fact meant nothing to Carlie. She hadn't celebrated a holiday since she'd finally escaped her husband over two years ago. Holidays brought memories, and memories only served to destroy her carefully erected peace of mind.

She ran hard for the first few blocks, and then, winded, her lungs aching, she switched to a slow-paced jog. She usually ran for about three miles. It was what she had always done for peace and contentment. Hopefully, it would work again.

But the hurdles seemed insurmountable today. Every step she took brought back thoughts of Tyler. And each thought ended with the angry flash of his dark eyes. What he must be thinking of her now...

It was as if she'd conjured him with her worries. She rounded the corner, laboring for breath, her cheeks stinging from the cold, and there he was. He was watching her, sitting on her front step, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his leather jacket.

Her heart lurched, her throat went dry and her skin felt tight-much too tight. But she smiled, a serene, undisturbed smile. "h.e.l.lo, Tyler."

He blinked. Obviously that wasn't what he'd expected to hear. Especially not in such a cordial tone. Carlie was very pleased with herself.