Love's Suicide Part 10

Once I'd paid for my check and gotten a room at the motel, I settled in and drove over to a local grocery store. My room had a microwave, a mini refrigerator, and a sink. I knew I could find a few things to eat that weren't considered junk. After getting a few bottles of water and a bag of microwave meals, I stood in front of a wall of prepaid phones. Feeling naked without mine, I picked one up and headed to the register.

The clerk looked at me like I didn't belong. It made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to shake it off, understanding that people in small towns worried about newcomers stomping on their lives. I didn't mean anyone harm. I just wanted a chance to start over.

I climbed in my car and turned the key, but it wouldn't start. I tried two more times and got nothing. The motor would turn but it wouldn't come on. "Great! Just great!" I said as I stepped out of my car and looked around.

A woman with two young children came walking out with her hands full of groceries. I approached her. "Do you need some help?"

She handed me one and smiled. "Thanks. I'm always afraid one of them is going to run out into the street."

The two children climbed in the back of the car, leaving us adults standing there. "It's no problem. Have a good day."

I started to walk away. "Are you new here? I haven't seen you around."

"Yeah. I just got here actually. I stopped to get some groceries and my car won't start. Do you know a tow company?"

She looked at me long and hard. "I usually don't do this, but you seem harmless. Hop in, I'll give you and your groceries a ride home."

"I'm just staying down the road at the motel. Are you sure it's okay?"

She smiled. "You're really not from here, are you?"

"No. I'm from the city. Is it that obvious?"

"Yeah. You see around here everyone knows everyone. If someone is in trouble we help them out, knowing that one day they'll return the favor."

She laughed and shook her head. "Get your things out of the car. I'll call Bobby, who runs the repair shop, and have him pick your car up. "I climbed into the pa.s.senger seat and buckled my seat belt. "So what city?"

"D.C. originally."

"Wow. This must be like a ghost town. Why would you want to live here?"

I looked out the window and admired the scenery. "I'm starting over. My parents perished in 9-11, and it's never been the same for me. I needed a fresh start, somewhere quiet and equally beautiful."

"I'm so sorry about your parents. I can't imagine what that was like for you. How old were you when it happened?"

"Twelve. I was twelve when it happened." It still hurt to talk about.

"I guess you had family to take you in?" I'd answered these questions so many times in my life and it never really got easier. They were still gone and I was alone.

"My parent's friends took care of me."

"Did somethin' happen to them?" She shook her head. "I'm so sorry. It's none of my business. Please excuse me for askin'."

"Nothing happened to them. I fell in love with both of their twin sons, and on the night I was to wed one, I spent the night with the other."

She pulled the car over and stared at me. "Tell me you're kiddin'? When did this happen? It must have been just awful."

I sighed, imagining her kicking me out of the car. "Two days ago. I woke up, leaving my mess at the hotel and everything and everyone behind." I started to cry and she threw the car into park. I felt her hand touching my arm and I looked up at her. "Are you okay?"

"No. I feel terrible. They were the only family I had left. I can't go back there. I've got nowhere else to go."

She looked in the backseat at her children and then back to me. "We've got a trailer on our farm. It used to be for our farm help to live in, but he's got his own place now. It's a filthy mess, but with a good scrubbin' it could get better. I'll have to talk to my husband about rent, and he's not the givin' kind of man, but it's better and cheaper than stayin' in some hotel."

I couldn't take my eyes from her. "You don't even know my name. Why would you do this for me?"

"I try to live my life like a Christian would. Now, I don't know what happened to make you do what you did, but it's not my place to judge you. Anyone can tell you're hurtin.' It ain't like I'm handin' you a bone and not askin' for anything. To be honest, we could use the extra income. I'd much rather have you livin' there then some derelict."

An hour later, I'd gotten my things from the motel and we were pulling up at the farm. The main house was two-story and looked a hundred years old. The trailer was off to the side of the property near a barn. We pulled up to it and a man, wearing bib overalls approached us.

"What are you doin', Sarah?"

"This is...," she paused waiting for me to say my name.

"I'm Katy Michaels."

"What's she doin' here?"

Sarah handed me a bag, seeming to not care about his questions. "She's goin' to be rentin' out the trailer. I told her we'd come up with a good amount for rent. She's already got a job, so you won't have to worry about money."

He looked at me and spit in the plastic cup he was holding. Black saliva sat at the bottom of it, and I wanted to cringe knowing what it was. "It's three-hundred a month, due the first. If you're late, it's an extra fifty."

I smiled. "Sounds good. Thank you."

He gave Sarah a dirty look and walked away.

"My husband can be a jerk sometimes. Don't mind him. We've had a bad year."

My first thought when I walked into the trailer that smelled of stale cigarettes was to run and never look back. I wanted to be back in that roach infested s.h.i.+t-hole hotel instead of calling this place home.

"I'll bring over some cleaning supplies and we'll give it a good scrubbin'. Why don't you take a look around while I unload my groceries and feed the kids lunch. I'll call Bobby and have him get your car towed while I'm inside."

She turned around before walking outside. "I know you probably heard it already, but I'm Sarah."

I held out my hand. "It's nice to meet you."

She smiled and agreed. "I'll be back soon."

The furniture had been covered with sheets. After putting the groceries in the cabinets, plugging in the refrigerator and other appliances, I started looking around. The trailer was old and needed work, but it had two bedrooms and one bathroom. The kitchen was big enough that it had a table and the living room had a sofa, loveseat and small television.

Once I'd familiarized myself with the place, I sat down and started opening my new phone. The service was terrible from being out in the country, but with two bars I dialed Melissa's number.

"h.e.l.lo?"

"It's me, Katy. I just want you to know I'm okay."

"Where are you? Branch came looking for you. The s.h.i.+t hit the fan when you left. He thinks you and Brooks ran off together. It seems that he disappeared around the same time you did. Have you heard from him?"

"No." I started to worry, wondering what had happened. Then I remember writing the letter. If he'd gotten it, I'd shattered him so bad that he had to leave. I started to cry. "Oh my G.o.d. What have I done?"

"Just breathe, Katy. Where are you? Are you safe?"

I looked around the trailer. "I'm safe. I even have a place to rent already. It's a long story, and this is one of those prepaid phones so I don't want to use all my minutes. Just know I'm okay. I'll call you once a week to check in."

"Katy, I'm really going to miss you. Just so you know, I'm not mad at you. You and Brooks should have been together. I hope you know that."

I did, but it didn't change anything. "Thank you, Mel. Don't forget not to tell anyone you heard from me."

"Take care and Merry Christmas."

When we hung up I lay down on the covered couches and cried. I hadn't even considered that I was two days from Christmas. In the midst of all of my problems it made sense why two strangers would take a leap and give me a chance. I probably didn't deserve it, but I was grateful.

I'd run from my mistakes and taken the cowardly way out. I'd never considered what Brooks was going to do when he found out I'd left him.

My heart hurt for a whole different reason and I knew it was never going to heal. I didn't know what I could do to keep going when I felt like I was already dead on the inside.

Finding a place to lay my head and a job to make money was only half of my battle. Coming to terms with my actions was another kind of war.

Chapter 14.

January 2011 I'd been living in Sumter South Carolina for nearly a month. The holidays had pa.s.sed and with them went the last of my hope of ever being happy again. Don't get me wrong, I was glad to have a roof over my head and a friend like Sarah to talk to.

Earlier in the month I'd received good news and gained another friend.

My car was on its last leg, and after hearing what it would take to fix, it had sat at the repair shop, untouched. Sarah drove me to the restaurant in return for me watching the kids one night a week so she and her husband, Dave, could have a night out together.

He was coming around, being nice to me when I was nearby, and he'd even let me spend Christmas dinner with them. I had to admit that seeing them interacting like a family was hard. The last time I'd seen a little girl with her father, it had been my own. Sarah was kind and sat with me, offering comfort.

I guess for messing things up so badly, I had a bunch to be grateful for. My job was steady and we had regulars that tipped pretty well. I'd used half of my savings to pay my first month's rent and buy myself some things for the trailer.

Sarah had been right about it needing a good scrubbing. It took us nearly two days, but we managed to bring it back to life. Underneath a few years of filth were some surprisingly nice things. We ended up covering the couches in some old fabric she had in her attic. She taught me how to use her sewing machine and make patterns to guide me. We even had enough fabric to make matching curtains.

On the weekends we visited farmer's markets, and I was able to purchase a new dining set, dishes and even a whole silverware set. Then I purchased a mattress cover and new bedding from a local store and found a cheap shower curtain that changed the whole look of the eyesore that the bathroom used to be.

During the day, when I wasn't working and the kids went to school, Sarah and I did ch.o.r.es around the farm and got to know each other.

I found out that she was an orphan too. The preacher and his baron wife had adopted her when she was five. She'd met her husband when they were both nineteen. They married and inherited the farm from his father, who pa.s.sed about a year before. Sarah was one of those people that anyone would envy. She didn't have a stressful life. Their small town values kept their family whole, and through prayer and wors.h.i.+p they'd found their purpose in life. I don't like admitting I was a charity case, but knew in some ways I was. She liked knowing that she could help.

It also made her feel like she had the right to push me to move on. She'd invited their friend Bobby over for dinner, and from the way he smelled, I could tell he wasn't just there to have a few beers with his buddy. I recognized him from the car repair shop, but this time he was cleaned up.

I supposed, if I wasn't madly in love with someone else, I could see myself finding him attractive. He had dark wavy hair that curled a little in the front. His eyes were light greenish, maybe hazel and two dimples were placed perfectly on each cheek.

After two invites we'd become friends. The second night, which happened to be New Years Eve, he walked me out to my trailer. I think maybe he thought I was going to invite him in. "Thanks for walking me."

The sound of a shot gun made me scream. I fell into his chest and covered my face, fearing that we were being fired at. Bobby held me there, laughing the whole time. When I looked up at him, his face got serious. "Happy New Year, woman. Ain't you ever heard a gun before?"

I pulled away, feeling like a complete idiot. "I guess I didn't expect that."

He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I got that it was a casual gesture to celebrate the new year, but I hadn't expected it.

He waited for more, in which I didn't even move. "You know I can fix your car. It's been slow and I need somethin' to do. I know money's tough. We can just do an I.O.U."

"You're kidding right? Are there some kind of strings attached to this offer?" We were standing in the pitch black. If he wanted to take me on the side of the trailer, n.o.body would hear my screams.

"Sarah's told me about your troubles."

I shook my head, feeling completely embarra.s.sed. "I'm not a terrible person. There's a logical explanation for why I had to leave."

He laughed and looked down at his feet. "Katy, you're a nice girl. I don't expect anything from you in return. Any friend of Sarah's is a friend of mine."

I reached out my hand, offering a thank you in a professional manner. He shook it and smiled. "Thank you, Bobby. I will pay you back, I promise."

He tipped his hat and watched me walking up the two steps to my front door. "Have a good night, Katy."

When I walked inside I felt happy, like things were turning up for me. I was making friends and feeling comfortable with everything that was happening in my life. Sure, I could have been in my last semester of college, getting my degree, but that would have required me to face the Valentines. I wasn't ready for it and I didn't know if I ever would be.

The next month brought many gifts, like Bobby fixing my car, getting promoted to night s.h.i.+ft manager at the restaurant and even being asked to a.s.sist with Sunday school at the local church. I'd never been one to be involved, but was raised Christian. In the few short weeks I'd been living in South Carolina, I'd attended church weekly. Sarah was the reason and she was happy to have someone to sit with during service, since her daddy was the preacher and her mother played the organ.

By February we had a standing night of cards, where Bobby and I would go over to Sarah and Dave's. We played a game called pinochle. It was hard to get used to, but after the first couple of times, I felt like I was an expert.

Aside from my new friends, I'd met plenty of people from the restaurant and church. It was nice to drive into the town, in my newly repaired car, and have people greeting me by name. I'd never lived in a place so small, and appreciated the importance of it.

Halfway through that month, I came down with a stomach bug. It was weird because n.o.body around me was sick. I couldn't keep anything down and felt exhausted.

A week pa.s.sed and then another. On March first, after still not getting any better, Sarah and I both knew something was wrong with me. I didn't want to spend the money, but she took me to the hospital anyway.

They drew blood and did a full work-up to see why I couldn't keep anything down. I'd also discovered that I'd lost fifteen pounds in two short months. My reflection was almost hard to recognize and I was ashamed that I'd let myself get into such poor health.

With Sarah sitting next to me, the doctor came back into the room nearly an hour later. "Do you want the good news or the bad?"

"Both?" All I needed to hear was that I was dying. My pathetic existence was ending because I'd eaten a bad batch of tuna or something ridiculous like that.

"The bad news is that you're probably not going to get better for a while."

"What's wrong with her? Is it treatable?" Sarah was as concerned as I was.

"Your friend here is pregnant. She's sufferin' from a bad case of first trimester sickness. It happens from time to time. There's a couple things she can eat and drink that can help alleviate it."

"Whoa!" I sat up and looked right at him. "Did you just say I'm pregnant?"

He smiled. "I've been doin' this for thirty-seven years. I think I know what I'm talkin' about."

I put my hands over my face, unable to speak. "How far along am I? Can you tell?"