Love's Suicide Part 22

"Bobby, why don't you go back to sleep for a while? You're so tired and there's nothing going on this morning that's important."

"You trying to get rid of me," he joked.

"Of course not." I reached over and stroked his thick dark hair. "I just know when I'm tired my emotions get crazy. If you were better rested you'd see that both of your girls are right here where we belong."

Bobby looked at B when he spoke. "I'd rather you go and get some rest. Me and B are goin' to watch cartoons for a while, aren't we?"

She shook her head and got excited when he grabbed the remote.

I stood up, knowing he wasn't going to change his mind. If he wanted alone time with her, I was going to give it to him. After all, when he found out Brooks was coming to do the same thing, he'd be happy knowing he had her all morning.

I leaned over and kissed him on the head. "If you need me, just call."

He grabbed my hand and I stopped. "When's he comin' again? Did he talk about it?"

I looked down at the floor, hoping to wait out on telling him. "He said something about coming this evening. I think he said around three thirty. He wanted to take B to the park if it was nice, but I told him he wasn't taking her anywhere without me or you there."

He raised his one brow. "You said me?"

I smiled, remembering Brooks suggesting in a joking way that we all tag along. "Yes," I lied. I hated myself for doing it, but I knew it put his mind at ease.

Bobby said nothing.

"We could just meet him there if you want."

He shook his head. "No. I'll stay here. You can go and make sure she don't get scared. He is still a stranger."

I understood what he meant, but hated that's what he was to her. It was about to change.

When I climbed back into my bed my head was pounding. Bobby was probably cussing me out in his mind and Brooks, even though he seemed calmer, wanted my head on a stake. I was tired of crying, knowing it got me nowhere.

Just like B learning something new, I had to learn to take baby steps. I had to be patient and kind if I wanted this to all work out. For the sake of my daughter and my family, I had to put my feelings for Brooks aside and focus on everyone else. I was the glue that was going to hold it all together and I wasn't willing to lose any of them in the process.

Chapter 31.

"Katy, wake up."

I sat up in the bed and saw Bobby standing at the door. "What time is it?"

"Around three forty. Brooks is here."

I jumped out of bed, scrounging around for clothes. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"You needed your rest. Besides, he's got B outside and said he'd wait if you wanted to go with him."

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. "What should I do? I won't go if you don't me to."

Bobby scratched his head. "It's fine, Katy. I'd rather you be there."

I pulled on a pair of shorts and rushed to find a s.h.i.+rt. "When I get home, I can bring us a pizza."

"You probably won't be back for a while. I'll make somethin' here."

I felt so bad, knowing that he was going to be sitting at home, consumed with hurt. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I'm sure. If B gets scared she's goin' to need you there."

I ran into the bathroom, to use the facilities and brush my teeth. When I came back out, Bobby was sitting on the bed with his face covered. I walked up and wrapped my arms around him. "If you need anything, you let me know by calling."

He nodded, but said nothing as I walked out the door.

Part of Bobby's problem was that he was exhausted. He needed to rest and would probably go to sleep as soon as I was gone. By the time I got back he would be feeling better and we could have a rational conversation about how the afternoon had gone with Brooks and B.

Upon going outside, I spotted Brooks pus.h.i.+ng our daughter on her favorite swing. She was fastened up in it so she couldn't slide out. She didn't even notice me standing there. No, she was too occupied with her new friend to notice her own mother waving.

Brooks however, noticed me right away. I watched his jaw clench as I got closer. "Hey. Sorry about that. I didn't get much sleep last night."

I heard him let out an air-filled laugh. "You think I could sleep? Kat, I just found out that I have a kid. Every aspect of my life is about to change. Sleep is the last thing that's on my mind."

I didn't know what to say to that. "So would it be easier if I drove, since I have the car seat in my car already?"

He stopped the swing and started getting B out. "Yeah, if you don't mind."

I walked to the car figuring he would follow me over. He sat her down in the seat and looked at all of the fasteners. "I might need your help. I've never done this before."

I rolled my eyes, laughing at his inexperience. "There's a lot of things you're going to have to learn." I hooked B up and pointed to the travel bag that I kept in the car. She didn't need formula or bottles, but when duty called I knew I had to have diapers and wipes on hand. Though she'd been using her little potty more frequently, she hadn't conquered the whole potty training thing.

He climbed in the pa.s.senger seat and we were soon on our way. "So where are we going?"

"Is there a park nearby?"

"There are several. If you really want to see B smile, we should take her to the indoor play park. She gets a kick out of climbing through the tunnels and going down the slides."

Brooks gave B his attention as I was driving, and to be honest, I didn't know what to say to him. This had all come out so sudden that we all needed to remain calm and not jump into any decisions.

I could tell that Brooks wasn't used to being around kids when we walked inside of the play park. Screaming kids were running around like crazy animals. With his one good arm, he held onto B, like he wasn't willing to put her down in the madness.

I laughed at him and reached for her. "Come on sweet girl. You want to go play?"

"Mama, slide. I go slide."

Brooks smiled when she spoke. "Have fun, little bug."

"Bug? You nicknamed our daughter already?"

He shrugged and smiled with a full mouth of those stunning white teeth. "I couldn't help it. She's my little B."

We sat down on a bench next to each other so we could watch her enjoying herself. Right away she was following around two little girls that looked to be a couple years older than her.

"So, I had a lot to think about when I left last night. I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is my parents. Look, Kat, I don't care about my brother, but Mom and Dad need to meet her. I get that you're going to be mad, but I asked them come visit next weekend. I hope you don't already have plans."

I started to open my mouth and make something up, knowing how them finding out was going to add to the stress of the situation. Then I retracted those thoughts. I'd had two years to love my sweet girl and they didn't even know she existed. They would love her and do anything to be a part of her life. Keeping them from knowing would only hurt her in the long run and I didn't want that. "I guess I'll talk to Bobby and see if we can drop her off to you. Are you able to baby proof your house? Do you even live in a house or an apartment?"

Brooks laughed. "I live on base for now. There's family housing available and I filled out the forms while I was on s.h.i.+ft this morning. If everything goes the way it should, I may be able to move into something in the next seven days. I had to explain my situation to my commanding officer, but given the importance, he said he can pull some strings. "So, you'd have a whole house?"

"It's like a duplex. Two small houses connected. Some are one bedroom and some go up to three. I can also live off base, provided I can find something affordable and close. I'm not going to rush into anything. My parents won't care what my living conditions look like."

I don't know why I would do it, but I blurted out a solution to make their stay comfortable. "They can come to my house. Bobby still owns another house, so we'll go there for the weekend. The house is already baby proofed and B will be comfortable."

"Wow. That's pretty generous of you. Are you doing this to kiss my a.s.s?" I sensed a hint of sarcasm in his question.

"Is it working?"

He laughed and shook his head and then, at the same time I was looking at him, he looked at me. My stomach began to twirl around, as if I was in high school, crus.h.i.+ng on a boy.

Brooks smiled. "I'm still mad, but some of the things you said last night were true. Knowing you were pregnant and alone would have been torture for me. It doesn't make what you did right, but I don't know if I could have handled not being able to get to you."

I could feel our conversation getting deep. Thankfully, B came up and grabbed Brooks' hand. "Pay wit me."

I watched a grown man melt. He ducked down and walked at her level. Seeing them, watching them interacting as if they'd known each other forever made me feel so happy.

After a few minutes, when it was apparent that Brooks wouldn't fit in all of the crawling tubes, he came back over and sat next to me. "Is she always so playful?"

"Unless she's in grumpy mood. Then she won't want anything to do with you."

I had my hand on the bench seat, sort of leaning forward. Brooks put his hand down to adjust himself. When his hand touched mine my heart reacted. I looked at him and he looked at me. In that moment I could feel it happening; that pull toward him that I'd had for as long as I could remember.

He pulled his hand away. "Sorry."

I looked forward. "Yeah, so that was weird."

We didn't look at each other.

He cleared his throat. "Your husband seems nice. Does he make you happy?"

The last person that I wanted to talk to about Bobby was Brooks. "He'd do anything for me."

Brooks turned to look at me. "So, you're happy? Well, before all this happened I mean."

His eyes were mesmerizing me, making me think that the things he was asking were loaded with intent. "Yeah, I guess. We've had our problems. Bobby had an accident at work and his legs were both broken. It's taken him a long time to be able to get himself mobile again."

"I guess I just want to know if he gives you everything you need, because for all the years that I've been away, I somehow believed that I was the only person that could be all that you wanted."

Was he being c.o.c.ky?

I couldn't tell.

B ran by, carrying on with a little boy her age. I smiled, thinking about it reminded me of Brooks. "Do you remember how I used to follow you like that?"

"I remember chasing you."

I knew he was waiting for me to answer, albeit I couldn't bring myself to.

"Kat, all of this feels like some sort of out of body experience to me. I've got a two-year-old daughter and you're married to someone else. I feel like at any second I'm going to wake up and it will have all been a wonderful dream."

I finally looked into those baby blues. "It's real. I've been living this life for almost three years now. I can a.s.sure you that you're not going to wake up."

He leaned in close to me, so n.o.body else could hear us. "Then I just need to know one thing."

"What?"

"You're not going to like it. It's just really been bothering me."

"Say it." Our conversation wouldn't go anywhere if he didn't spit it out.

"Did you ever consider having an abortion?" He threw his hands up before I could scream at him. "I'm asking because you were all alone. You knew I wasn't coming home for years and that you'd have to raise the child yourself. I keep trying to make sense of everything. I won't be mad if you did. Looking at what we made was the most fulfilling kind of feelings I've ever experienced, but I get that you were alone and scared. So tell me, Kat. How did you know you were going to be okay?"

My answer was simple. I didn't even need to think about it. "I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks." I looked over at our daughter who was still smiling and enjoying her day. "Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question." I looked right at him, finally able to face my fears and be honest. "That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life."

I could tell that I'd affected him. "What was your first?"

"The day I gave birth to your daughter."

Brooks closed his eyes and leaned his head down. His hand reached over and touched my knee. He squeezed it and kept it placed there. "I can't stop loving you, Kat," he whispered.

It took my breath away and I think he knew it too. He finally looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back, unable to respond. Those words, those heart pounding five words echoed in my mind.

I couldn't say it back, because giving Brooks my heart meant I was shattering Bobby's, the man who'd taken care of me and B. I couldn't do that to him.

Chapter 32.

For the rest of the time we were at the indoor play park Brooks didn't ask me anything too concerning. He wanted to know about life, jobs I'd had and where I'd lived. He asked me about my friends and told me about some of his.

We took B out for dinner to get her chicken nuggets and fries. I knew we'd been out a while, but I couldn't get enough of seeing the two of them together. Every once in a while I'd catch eyes with Brooks and get those waves of excitement. If that wasn't bad enough, it seemed like he wanted to get a rise out of me.

After a couple hours of talking, it felt like our friends.h.i.+p was back intact. We had a bunch of issues to overcome, but our bond was still there. B starting yawning halfway through her meal. I knew our day was going to come to an end soon and it hurt knowing that we'd have to say goodbye.