The Year Of The Ladybird Part 8

'Did I say I did?'

'Not in so many words.'

We had a wonderful day together. Nikki was fun company and made me laugh. She wanted to show me what she called the secrets of the town. After encountering the lion we went to the old esplanade with its formal gardens. After that she took me to an Art Deco theatre. It had been closed and turned into a hideous penny-arcade with a nasty plastic h.o.a.rding covering half the front of the building; but you could go inside and see some of the hidden glory of the old theatre. The same thing had happened to a cinema. She told me it was going to be washed away; all of it, and she didn't feel sad.

'It's just had its day. The holiday camp is living on borrowed time, too. People don't want all this any more.'

By 'all this' I knew she meant Abdul-Shazam, Luca Valletti and dancing girls rehearsing jaded routines in clapped-out Variety clubs. She meant the holidaying habits of the industrialised working cla.s.ses. She meant a way of life that had reached the end of its commercial utility. These were the last days of working culture ended not through earthquake or tidal wave or volcanic eruption, but through the obstinate ticking of the cash register.

We went to a pub and had chicken-and-chips-in-a-basket. I asked Nikki about her future in dancing. I wanted to hear about her next career step, her plans, her dreams. She took off her dark gla.s.ses, folded them and put them on the table next to her chicken-in-a-basket. Then she took a sip of lager.

'I don't know. This sort of work is dying out, too. I'm going to have to do something else.'

'But there must be better work.'

'And the better you have to be. If you're really good you could work in the big London shows.'

'But you are really good.'

The skin around her eyes crinkled when she smiled. I wondered how old she was. I figured she was about twenty-five but I didn't want to ask. 'You know nowt about it.'

'I know what I see on stage.'

'So who are the good dancers? Go on! Out of me, Gail, Rebecca and Debbie. Who is good and who isn't?'

'Gail is pretty s.h.i.+t.'

'Gail is cla.s.sically trained.'

'Really?'

'Really. Though in a way you're right. She's got no s.e.xiness.'

Not compared to you, is what I thought.

'There is work,' she said, 'if you want to take your top off and show your t.i.ts to Arab oil sheiks. There are also cruise s.h.i.+ps. I don't really want to do that either. But I'm never going to be a top dancer and I got used to that idea a while ago.' There was sadness in that. She was a bird with a broken wing.

Some middle-aged men at a table nearby were eavesdropping. They were utterly fascinated by her. Why wouldn't they be? She was stunning to look at and here she was talking about dancing topless in front of Arab millionaires. I could tell they thought she was wasted on me. I felt their envy and their l.u.s.t. They were like lions in a sawdust pit who had surrendered to the whip. I didn't give a d.a.m.n. They could gnaw on their own livers as far as I was concerned. I could afford to feel superior, so when she offered to buy me another drink I held up my gla.s.s to the staring men before draining it. They all looked away. I wanted them to hate me.

After lunch we decided to go onto the pier and as we came out of the pub, a man nodded at me briefly and pa.s.sed us by. I knew him from somewhere but I couldn't place him.

Once on the pier we strolled past a small arcade of fizzing, pinging and gurgling slot machines. There was a gla.s.s case with an upper-body manikin of a lady fortune-teller. Zorena. It was an impressive name for a fortune-teller. Better than Rosa. Sadly, Zorena looked like Punch, but with a dark veil over her head. The paint on her hands was peeling, and in front of them were spread a few playing cards: aces and queens.

I felt oddly fascinated by it. I was sure I'd seen one of these before. Nikki saw me staring at the thing.

'Give me a coin,' she said and I fumbled in my pocket.

Some tinkly music struck up and the dummy was underlit with weak yellow light. Zorena rocked and whirred and her flaking mechanical hands made a pa.s.s across the cards. There was actually a tape recording of some wise words but it was so distorted and m.u.f.fled we couldn't make out what was said. When it stopped, a card spat out of a slot.

Nikki grabbed it and showed it to me. Know Thy elf The print mechanism had lost its S. We both laughed, but the laughter was won from very different places. Nikki wanted another coin and the machine spat out a second card. Choo e your future wi ely.

'There you are,' Nikki said.

As if by contract we walked the boards all the way to the end of the pier, where in grander times pa.s.sengers would be loaded on or off pleasure steamers. We leaned easily against the rails looking far out to sea. Nikki turned the conversation to my own future. She asked me what I would do with my life. I wanted to say to her that my immediate ambition was to avoid having my arms and legs broken. Instead I told her some c.o.c.k about going into journalism or copywriting or teaching, none of which career I'd seriously entertained for more than a few moments.

'Journalism? Do you get to go around the world breaking big stories?'

'I guess.' That was the fantasy anyway.

'You could take me with you.'

I laughed. Not because of what she'd said but because of what a great time I was having just being with her. She looked at me strangely. Perhaps she was offended, but I was distracted because in that moment I suddenly realised who the man was outside the pub. I remembered where I'd seen him before. It was at the National Front meeting. He was the second man Colin had introduced me to, the oily-haired man called Talbot, John Talbot.

Nikki sighed.

'What?' I asked.

'You. There's always something else going on inside your head. You're never fully there. Or here.'

'Is that true?'

'Oh yes it is. You've got a noisy inner life.'

'Have I?'

'If a woman waved at you with a barn door, what would you do?'

I didn't know what she meant and I said so. Then she turned away and started to wander back up the pier. I was about to follow her when I was distracted by the sound of a motor boat cutting across the water.

It was a dazzling white power launch, about twenty-five foot, cruising the shallows at low throttle and turning in a wide arc as it approached the pier. Behind it trailed a frothy wake, rolling from its rudder like silvery earth from a ploughshare. I couldn't make out who was at the wheel but a man stood on the deck looking towards me. I was struck by his strange posture. He stood at a right angle to the line of the boat, looking over the gunwale at the pier. His feet were planted together and one hand seemed to grip his lapel. His chin was raised and he stared right at me.

As the boat approached the pier my heart sc.r.a.ped. It was the man in the blue suit I'd hallucinated when I'd almost fallen from the roof of the theatre; the man I'd seen on the beach with the little boy. He wasn't holding his lapel at all: he had a rope coiled over his shoulder. Though the light made a shadow play of his grey features there was no mistaking that familiar jaw. Worse than that was the awful confirmation in the shadow of his face. Even though the sun shone full on him and should have lit him like a stage spotlight, his face was grey, blue-grey, smoky even. As if his face was made of smoke.

He held a rope coiled over his shoulder and he was coming for me. Another s.h.i.+ver of revulsion went through me. I felt cold, lonely and very small. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I had never before known what it meant to quake. I felt my heart ice over.

The man gazed right at me with what can only be described as a menacing grin. I gripped the rails of the pier, leaning out to get a better look at him, willing the light to reveal that I was mistaken. But just as easily as the boat had cruised in, it followed the clean line of its arc and the man, still gazing me and holding his rope, was taken away again. I watched the boat complete its turn and go deep out to sea. A man in a dark blue suit, in a boat, in the sun, in the bay of Skegness.

There was a coin-operated binoculars mounted on a stand. I swung it round to follow the boat and though I fumbled in my pockets I didn't have the right coin. By the time the boat had diminished to a dot far out to sea Nikki had returned to find me. 'Are you okay?' she said.

'I've been here before,' I said.

'What? Like deja vu?'

'Yes. No. I mean literally. I stood here. Exactly in this spot. I held his hand.'

'Who?'

I couldn't bring myself to say it. 'I was here when I was a little boy. I stood here. Right here. I'd forgotten. But now I remember it.'

The pupils of her dark brown eyes dilated as she searched my features. There was a frown line on her forehead, like an omega. If I was pale or if my hands were still trembling she didn't see it.

'I'm okay,' I said. 'Someone just walked over my grave.'

Oddly that ba.n.a.l phrase made her feel rea.s.sured. Whatever it was that had just happened, those six words made it all right, made everything proportionate. Just to show her I was okay I linked arms with her and nudged her towards the other side of the arcade. The cash machines and winking lights of the games arcade made everything normal again.

An elderly couple asked if we would take their picture, which we did. Then as we made our way back down the length of the pier Nikki drew up by another one of those absurd gla.s.s cases. Inside this one was not a fortune-teller but a manikin of a jolly-jack-tar sailor, its face painted with an evil smile, like an early-period ventriloquist's dummy.

'Do you remember these from when you were a kid?' she said. 'These are great! Another coin please.'

This time I found the right coin and she dropped it into the machine. The mechanism rumbled. The manikin's shoulders began to shake and its arms moved. Then a recording of m.u.f.fled laughter bubbled up from within the bowels of the machine. We stood and watched the manikin howl and laugh, as if we were both five-year-olds. But the laughter seemed to have a nasty edge that sawed against the sea air. I don't know how long the thing went on for.

'I suppose we'd better get back to that f.u.c.king place,' Nikki said, when the sun started to drop in the sky. The sun was a big golden-red balloon, like something you take home from the funfair. She grabbed my wrist. 'Can we get some sandwiches and a drink and just go to the dunes for an hour before we go back?' She was like a child begging for an extra hour of play.

I said, 'Sure.'

We strolled along the beach and she suggested we find a place in the deep dunes. I started to feel uneasy about the dunes so I suggested we sit on the pebbles but she insisted we go deeper into the spiky marram gra.s.s and the hills of sand. It was still hot. She said she wanted to get some sunbathing in. I gave in.

As soon as we settled down she wriggled out of her skirt and took her top off. 'You don't mind do you? I want to get some air to my body.'

I a.s.sured her that I didn't mind. She lay on her back with her hands behind her head. I sat down near enough to her but with a couple of feet of distance between us. I felt too agitated to lie back. I opened a can of cola and it frothed over. The spray went onto her midriff. She wiped her flat belly with a tanned and elegant finger and sucked her finger to clean it.

With the heat diminis.h.i.+ng by the second, the day had distilled itself into a wonderful calm, even if inside I was fighting my own inexplicable anxieties. Were I not still troubled by the apparition of the man in the boat I would have said it was a moment of paradise. We could hear the sea, gone far out now, rhythmically sucking at the sand. I had to force myself not to scan the dune hills. I had this idea that I would see a boy and his father there. Finally, I forced myself to lay back with my tormented thoughts and I thought Nikki had gone to sleep.

I felt a finger trace my neck. I opened my eyes.

'Ladybird,' she said. 'Look, they're everywhere.'

She had one on her arm, too, so I flicked it off. I lay back again but Nikki flopped lazily on her side and reached out a hand towards me. At first she rested her hand on my thigh and then she moved her hand to cup my genitals inside my jeans. I felt a jolt inside my jeans. I gasped.

Yes she was beautiful. Yes she was s.e.xy. She was extraordinary. But I had to stop it. I wasn't ready to stop thinking about Terri. It was ridiculous: it hadn't gone anywhere with Terri, but I was still obsessed.

I knew what I should do. I should speak to Terri and remind her that she was married and tell her straight up that I didn't want the complication. It was the right and decent thing to do. I could honestly say to Terri that nothing had happened with anyone else and that I'd made a moral decision about her situation, and after that the way would be clear with Nikki.

That was what I should do.

I lifted Nikki's hands from my b.a.l.l.s.

'What's wrong with it?' Nikki said.

'Look, Nikki, there's someone else.'

'Who?'

I shook my head.

'Is it a man?'

'G.o.d, no!' I said.

Then Nikki screamed, right in my face. She pulled her T-s.h.i.+rt on, scrambled to her feet and stormed over the dunes and ran towards the beach. I waited for a while and then decided to go after her.

She stood on the sand in her T-s.h.i.+rt and knickers with her back to me. Her arms were folded and she appeared to be gazing out to sea. The tide was out. With the sun dropping behind us her lonely figure cast a long shadow across the sand. I didn't say any thing, just stood abreast of her, gazing out to sea.

'I could have any man back at that camp,' she said. 'Any man. I know it. That's not being vain. I just know it. I would just have to point at one of them. So why is it I pick the one man I can't have? Why is it? I always do it. Always. Something in me sees that I can't have this or that one, and that becomes the one I want. If I can have them I don't want them; if I can't have them I want them. Who are you seeing?'

'I can't tell you . . . just yet. I want to get it sorted out.'

'Oh? Well, I think I know anyway.'

'Really? Who?'

'Never mind.'

'Go on.'

'No.'

'Please tell me,' I said.

'You don't want to say; I don't want to say; let n.o.body say.'

I looked hard at her. I couldn't tell whether she was just playing games or if she had seen something that had suggested it was Terri.

She sighed. 'Oh, come on. Let's walk back to't camp.'

She linked her arm in mine and we walked along the sand back to our workplace.

'Anyway,' she said when we got back to the gate. 'I had a great day.'

'Me too,' I said.

We kissed briefly. Somehow in that moment I popped my tongue inside her mouth. She drew back and shook her head minutely, as if she didn't understand me.

She wasn't the only one.

10.

Things that could get one evicted from the Magic Circle Before turning in to the theatre the next morning I made my way over to the canteen for breakfast. It was hard going. The ladybirds that had been bothering us for a couple of days had begun swarming in the hot air. They pinged at my face as I walked across the yard. One flew in my mouth and I had to spit it out. I could see campers batting them away with the flat of their hands. What had been a nuisance was becoming a plague. It was a relief to get to the canteen and shut the door on them.

The ladybirds were the talk of the breakfast tables. No one had seen a swarm like this before. Someone said there was a plague of hover-flies one year. Another declared that it was happening because the greenflies were plentiful that season and the ladybirds fed on greenflies. A third reported that it was caused by the drought and the ladybirds were coming to the coast looking for water. I had no wisdom about ladybirds to contribute to this vigorous debate.

After finis.h.i.+ng my breakfast I cleared away my plates, stashed my tray and headed over to the theatre. The ladybird blizzard had got even worse. If anyone was out and about, they were running. On my way to the theatre I pa.s.sed by the reception and one of the office secretaries opened a window and said to me that I had a call.