Fruits of Culture Part 27

FAT LADY. Aie!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. What? What is it?

FAT LADY. He took hold of my hair!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH [whispers] Never mind, don't be afraid, give him your hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it.

FAT LADY [hides her hands] Not for the world!

SAHaTOF. Yes, it is strange, very strange!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who wishes to put a question to him?

SAHaTOF. I should like to put a question, if I may.

PROFESSOR. Please do.

SAHaTOF. Do I believe or not?

Tanya knocks twice.

PROFESSOR. The answer is affirmative.

SAHaTOF. Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?

Tanya knocks several times and pa.s.ses a thread over Sahatof's head.

SAHaTOF. Ah! [Seizes the thread and breaks it].

PROFESSOR. I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial questions. It is unpleasant to _him_!

SAHaTOF. No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not only threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones!

SAHaTOF. No--but where did this thread come from?

Tanya throws a cus.h.i.+on at him.

SAHaTOF. Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has. .h.i.t me on the head. Light a candle--there is something ...

PROFESSOR. We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations.

FAT LADY. For goodness' sake don't interrupt! I should also like to ask something. May I?

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Yes, if you like.

FAT LADY. I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to know what to take: aconite or belladonna?

Silence, whispers among the young people; suddenly Vasily Leoniditch begins to cry like a baby: "ou-a, ou-a!" [Laughter.] Holding their mouths and noses, the girls and Petristchef run away bursting with laughter.

FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH [beside himself with anger, whispers] One gets nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave decently, go away!

Exit Vasily Leoniditch. Darkness and silence.

FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But _he_ is here. Ask him.

PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual occurrences. I expect _he_ is still here. But we may ask. Leonid Fyodoritch, will you?

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So unpleasant! Such want of tact!...

PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here?

Tanya raps twice and rings. Simon roars, spreads his arms out, seizes Sahatof and the Professor--squeezing them.

PROFESSOR. What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted upon! This never happened before! Leonid Fyodoritch, will you watch? It is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe Grossman! This needs the very greatest attention!

Tanya throws the peasants' paper on the table.

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table.

PROFESSOR. See what it is!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper!

Tanya throws a travelling inkstand on the table.

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. An inkstand!

Tanya throws a pen.

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. A pen!

Simon roars and squeezes.

PROFESSOR [crushed] Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but from the medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen on the table, and _he_ will write!

Tanya goes behind Leonid Fyodoritch and strikes him on the head with the guitar.

LEONiD FYoDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! [Examining table] The pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded.

PROFESSOR. See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual influence--his and Grossman's--has produced a perturbation!

LEONiD FYoDORITCH [goes out and returns at once] Extraordinary! This paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this morning and returned to the peasants. Probably _he_ wants me to sign it?