Boundaries Face To Face Part 11

These patterns run deep. Your family members are the ones you learned to organize your life around, so they are able to send you back to old patterns by their very presence. You begin to act automatically out of memory instead of growth.

To change, you must identify these "sins of the family" and turn from them. You must confess them as sins, repent of them, and change the way you handle them. The first step in establis.h.i.+ng boundaries is becoming aware of old family patterns that you are still continuing in the present.

Look at the struggles you are having with boundaries in your family of origin, identify which laws are being broken, and then pinpoint the resulting negative fruit in your life.

Adoption This is not a book about spiritual development, but boundaries are an essential aspect of growing up. One step in growing up is coming out from under parental authority and putting yourself under G.o.d's authority.

The Bible says that children are under the authority of their parents until they become adults (Gal. 4:1a7). In a real sense their parents are responsible for them. But when adulthood and the "age of accountability" comes, that person comes out from under guardians and managers and becomes responsible for him or herself. Christians move into another parental relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d as Father. G.o.d does not leave us as orphans, but takes us into his family.

Numerous New Testament pa.s.sages teach that we need to forsake our allegiance to our original family and become adopted by G.o.d (Matt. 23:9). G.o.d commands us to look to him as our father and to have no parental intermediaries. Adults who are still holding an allegiance to earthly parents have not realized their new adoptive status.

Many times we are not obeying the Word of G.o.d because we have not spiritually left home. We feel we still need to please our parents and their traditional ways of doing things rather than obey our new Father (Matt. 15:1a6).

When we become part of G.o.d's family, obeying his ways will sometimes cause conflict in our families and sometimes separate us (Matt. 10:35a37). Jesus says that our spiritual ties are the closest and most important (Matt. 12:46a50). Our true family is the family of G.o.d.

In this family, which is to be our strongest tie, things are done a certain way. We are to tell the truth, set limits, take and require responsibility, confront each other, forgive each other, and so on. Strong standards and values make this family run. And G.o.d will not allow it any other way in his family.

This in no way means that we are to cut other ties. We are to have friends outside of G.o.d's family and strong ties with our family of origin. However, we need to ask two questions: Do these ties keep us from doing the right thing in any situation? and Have we really become an adult in relation to our family of origin?

If our ties are truly loving, we will be separate and free and give out of love and a "purposeful" heart. We will stay away from resentment, we will love with limits, and we will not enable evil behavior.

If we are not "under guardians and managers" as adults, we can make truly adult decisions, having control over our own will (1 Cor. 7:37), subject to our true Father.

Resolution of Boundary Problems with Family

Establis.h.i.+ng boundaries with families of origin is a tough task, but one with great reward. It is a process, with certain distinguishable steps.

Identify the Symptom Look at your own life situation and see where boundary problems exist with your parents and siblings. The basic question is this: Where have you lost control of your property? Identify those areas and see their connection with the family you grew up in, and you are on your way.

Identify the Conflict Discover what dynamic is being played out. For example, what "law of boundaries" are you violating? Do you triangulate? Do you take responsibility for a sibling or parent instead of being responsible to them? Do you fail to enforce consequences and end up paying for their behavior? Are you pa.s.sive and reactive toward them and the conflict?

You cannot stop acting out a dynamic until you understand what you are doing. "Take the log out" of your own eye. Then, you will be able to see clearly to deal with your family members. See yourself as the problem and find your boundary violations.

Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of G.o.d, those who are now your true "mother, father, brothers, and sisters," those who do G.o.d's will and can love you the way he designed.

Take in and Receive the Good It is not enough to understand your need. You must get it met. G.o.d is willing to meet your needs through his people, but you must humble yourself, reach out to a good support system, and take in the good. Do not continue to hide your talent in the ground and expect to get better. Learn to respond to and receive love, even if you're clumsy at first.

Practice Boundary Skills Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can't take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries.

When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy.

Say No to the Bad In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.

When you think you are ready to reestablish a relations.h.i.+p with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relations.h.i.+ps. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can't reestablish a relations.h.i.+p until you have the proper tools. Be careful to not get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong.

Forgive the Aggressor Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel a debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to him forever.

Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace from G.o.d, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred (Prov. 13:12).

If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This "ties" him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free.

Respond, Don't React When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.

If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can't force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt The best boundaries are loving ones. The person who has to remain forever in a protective mode is losing out on love and freedom. Boundaries in no way mean to stop loving. They mean the opposite: you are gaining freedom to love. It is good to sacrifice and deny yourself for the sake of others. But you need boundaries to make that choice.

Practice purposeful giving to increase your freedom. Sometimes people who are building boundaries feel that to do someone a favor is codependent. Nothing is farther from the truth. Doing good for someone, when you freely choose to do it, is boundary enhancing. Codependents are not doing good; they are allowing evil because they are afraid.

8.

Boundaries and Your Friends

Marsha switched on the television, not even noticing which show was on. She was thinking about her phone call with her best friend, Tammy. She had asked Tammy to go to a movie with her. Tammy had had other plans for the evening. Once again, Marsha had taken the initiative. Once again, she was disappointed. Tammy never called her. Was this what friends.h.i.+p was supposed to be about?

Friends.h.i.+p. The word conjures up images of intimacy, fondness, and a mutual drawing together of two people. Friends are symbols of how meaningful our lives have been. The saddest people on earth are those who end their days with no relations.h.i.+ps in which they are truly known and truly loved.

Friends.h.i.+p can be a broad category; most of the relations.h.i.+ps mentioned in this book have friends.h.i.+p components. But for our purposes, let's define friends.h.i.+p as a nonromantic relations.h.i.+p that is attachment-based rather than function-based. In other words, let's exclude relations.h.i.+ps based on a common task, like work or ministry. Let's look at friends.h.i.+p as comprising people we want to be around just for their own sake.

Boundary conflicts with friends come in all sizes and shapes. To understand the various issues, let's look at a few conflicts and how they can be resolved with boundaries.

Conflict #1: Compliant/Compliant

In some ways it was a great friends.h.i.+p; in other ways, it was awful. Sean and Tim enjoyed the same sports, activities, and recreation. They went to the same church and liked the same restaurants. But they were just too nice to each other. They both had difficulty saying no to each other.

Their realization of the problem came up one weekend when a white-water rafting trip and a sixties concert were scheduled on the same day. Sean and Tim enjoyed both activities, but they couldn't do both. Sean called Tim, suggesting they go rafting. "Absolutely," answered his friend. However, unbeknownst to each other, neither Sean nor Tim really wanted to go rafting. In their heart of hearts, both men had been looking forward to going to the concert.

Halfway down the river, Sean and Tim got honest with each other. Tired and wet, Tim blurted out, "It was your big idea to come on this trip."

"Tim," Sean said with surprise. "I thought you wanted to go rafting."

"Oh, no! Since you called me, I figured that's what you wanted! Old buddy," he continued ruefully, "maybe it's time we stopped treating each other like china dolls."

The result of two compliants' interacting is that neither does what he really wants. Each is so afraid of telling the other the truth that neither ever does.

Let's apply a boundary checklist to this conflict. This checklist of questions will not only help you locate where you are in setting boundaries, but also show you how to get where you want to go.

1. What are the symptoms? One symptom of a compliant/compliant conflict is dissatisfaction-a sense that you allowed something you shouldn't have.

2. What are the roots? Compliants come from backgrounds where they had to avoid saying no to keep others happy. Since their roots are similar, it's often hard for two compliant people to help each other.

3. What is the boundary conflict? Compliant people politely deny their own boundaries to keep the peace.

4. Who needs to take owners.h.i.+p? Each compliant needs to take responsibility for his or her attempts to appease or please the other. Sean and Tim both need to admit that they each control the other by being nice.

5. What do they need? Compliant people need to have supportive relations.h.i.+ps to plug into, be they support groups, home Bible studies, or counselors. Their fear of hurting the other person makes it difficult for them to set boundaries on their own.

6. How do they begin? Both compliants practice setting limits on trivial things. They may begin with being honest about things like tastes in restaurants, church liturgies, music, and the like.

7. How do they set boundaries with each other? Sean and Tim talk with each other face-to-face, finally telling the truth and revealing limits they'd like to start setting. They commit themselves to better boundaries with each other.

8. What happens next? Sean and Tim may have to admit that their interests are not as similar as they'd thought. They may need to separate more from each other. Having different friends for different activities is no blot on the relations.h.i.+p; it might help their friends.h.i.+p in the long run.

Conflict #2: Compliant/Aggressive Controller

The compliant/aggressive controller conflict, the most identifiable of friends.h.i.+p conflicts, has cla.s.sic symptoms. The compliant feels intimidated and inferior in the relations.h.i.+p; the aggressive controller feels irritated at being nagged by the compliant.

"Well, all right, if you insist" is a catchphrase of the compliant. Usually, the aggressive controller is insisting on using some of the compliant's time, talents, or treasures. The aggressive controller has no problem demanding what she wants. Sometimes she just takes what she wants without asking. "I needed it" is enough reason for the aggressive controller to help herself to whatever the compliant has, be it car keys, a cup of sugar, or three hours of time.

Since the compliant is usually unhappy in this relations.h.i.+p, he is the one who needs to take action. Let's put this relations.h.i.+p through the boundary checklist: 1. What are the symptoms? The compliant feels controlled and resentful; the aggressive controller feels good, except she doesn't like to be nagged.

2. What are the roots? The compliant probably grew up in a family who taught him to avoid conflict, rather than embrace it. The aggressive controller never received training in delaying gratification and in taking responsibility for herself.

3. What is the boundary conflict? Two specific boundary conflicts are the inability of the compliant to set clear limits with his friend, and the inability of the aggressive controller to respect the compliant's limits.

4. Who needs to take owners.h.i.+p? The compliant needs to see that he isn't a victim of the aggressive controller; he is volunteering his power to his friend on a silver platter. Giving up his power is his way of controlling his friend. The compliant controls the aggressive controller by pleasing her, hoping it will appease her and cause her to change her behavior. The aggressive controller needs to own that she has difficulty listening to no and accepting the limits of others. She needs to take responsibility for her need to control her friend.

5. What is needed? The unhappier one in the friends.h.i.+p, the compliant, needs to plug into a supportive group of people to help him with this boundary conflict.

6. How do they begin? In preparation for confronting his friend, the compliant needs to practice setting limits in his support group. The aggressive controller could really benefit from honest feedback from loving friends on how she runs over people and how she can learn to respect the limits of others.

7. How do they set boundaries? The compliant applies biblical principles to his friends.h.i.+p (see Matthew 18). He confronts his friend on her control and intimidation. He tells her that the next time she tries to control him, he will leave.

He does not attempt to control her. Confrontation isn't an ultimatum meant to rob her of her choices. He sets limits to let her know that her control hurts him and wounds their friends.h.i.+p. Such limits protect the compliant from further hurt. The aggressive controller can become as angry or intimidating as she wants, but the compliant won't be around to get hurt. He will be out of the room, the house, or the friends.h.i.+p-until it's safe to come back.

The aggressive controller experiences the consequences of her actions. Not having her friend around may force her to miss the attachment, and she can begin to take responsibility for the control that ran her friend off.

8. Now what? At this point, if both friends are open, the two can renegotiate the relations.h.i.+p. They can set new ground rules, such as, "I'll stop nagging if you'll stop being critical," and can build a new friends.h.i.+p.

Conflict #3: Compliant/Manipulative Controller

"Cathy, I'm in a real jam, and you're the only one I can depend on to help me out. I can't get a baby-sitter for the kids, and I have this church meeting. . . ."

Cathy listened to the plight of her friend, Sharon. It was the usual story. Sharon neglected to plan for events, to call ahead for sitters. She often called Cathy to help out in these self-induced emergencies.

Cathy hated being stuck in this position. Sharon didn't do it on purpose, and she needed her for a good cause, but Cathy still felt used and exploited. What was she to do?

Many friends.h.i.+ps get stuck in this interaction between compliants and manipulative controllers. Why do we call Sharon controlling? She's not consciously trying to manipulate her friend; however, no matter what her good intentions are, when she's in a jam, Sharon uses her friends. She takes them for granted, thinking that they shouldn't mind doing a friend a favor. Her friends go along, saying, "Well, that's just Sharon." They stifle their resentment.

Let's run this conflict through our boundary checklist: 1. What are the symptoms? The compliant (Cathy) feels resentment at the manipulative controller's (Sharon's) last-minute requests. Cathy feels as though her friends.h.i.+p is being taken for granted. She begins to avoid her friend.

2. What are the roots? Sharon's parents rescued her from every jam, from finis.h.i.+ng term papers at 3:00 a.m. to lending her money when she was well into her thirties. She lived in a very forgiving universe, where nice people would always help her out. She never had to face her own irresponsibility and lack of discipline and planning.

As a child, Cathy didn't like her mother's hurt look when she said no. She grew up afraid of hurting others by setting boundaries. Cathy would do anything to avoid conflict with friends-especially with Sharon.

3. What is the boundary conflict? Sharon doesn't plan ahead and take responsibility for her schedule. When responsibilities "get away from her," she calls out to the nearest compliant for help. And Cathy comes running.

4. Who needs to take owners.h.i.+p? Cathy, the motivated party in this conflict, sees how her never-ending yes contributes to Sharon's illusion that she doesn't ever have to plan ahead. Cathy needs to stop feeling like a victim and take responsibility for saying no.

5. What does she need? Cathy needs to connect with others who will support her as she looks at the boundary issues between her and her friend.

6. How does she begin? Cathy practices saying no with supportive friends. In a supportive atmosphere she learns to disagree, to state her opinion, and to confront. They all pray for strength and guidance in this relations.h.i.+p.

7. How does she set boundaries? At their next lunch, Cathy tells Sharon about her feelings of being used and taken advantage of. She explains how she'd like a more mutual relations.h.i.+p. Then she lets her friend know that she won't be taking any more "emergency" baby-sitting jobs.