Boundaries Face To Face Part 17

Make sure you understand work issues and face them directly so that work does not emotionally control your life. Find out why a certain co-worker is able to get to you, or why your boss is able to control the rest of your life. Find out why your successes or failures on the job are able to bring you up or down. These important character issues need to be worked through. Otherwise, the job will own you.

The second component is finite things such as time, energy, and other resources. Make sure that the job, which is literally never done, does not continue to spill over into personal life and cost you relations.h.i.+ps and other things that matter. Put limits on special projects that are going to take more time than usual, and make sure overtime does not become a pattern. One company we know has such a high value for family that they dock people for working overtime! They want them to put limits on their work and be home with the family. Find out your own limits and live by them. These are good boundaries.

Problem #9: Disliking Your Job Boundaries are where our ident.i.ty comes from. Boundaries define what is me and what is not me. Our work is part of our ident.i.ty in that it taps into our particular giftedness and the exercise of those gifts in the community.

However, many people are unable to ever find a true work ident.i.ty. They stumble from job to job, never really finding anything that is "them." More often than not, this is a boundary problem. They have not been able to own their own gifts, talents, wants, desires, and dreams because they are unable to set boundaries on others' definitions and expectations of them.

This happens with people who have not separated from the family they grew up in. A pastor was having great difficulty with his church and the board of elders. Finally, right in the middle of a consistory meeting, he said, "I never wanted to be a pastor anyway. It was my mother's wish, not mine." He did not have good enough boundaries with his mother to define his own career path. As a result, he had fused with her wishes and was miserable. His heart had not been in it from the start.

This can happen also with friends and culture. Others' expectations can be very strong influences. You must make sure that your boundaries are strong enough that you do not let others define you. Instead, work with G.o.d to find out who you really are and what kind of work you are made for. Romans 12:2 speaks of having boundaries against these kinds of pressures from others: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what G.o.d's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." You should have a realistic expectation of yourself based on who you really are, your own true self with your own particular giftedness. You can only do this with boundaries that stand up and say, "This is me, and that is not me." Stand up against others' expectations of you.

Finding Your Life's Work

Finding your life's work involves taking risks. First you need to firmly establish your ident.i.ty, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take owners.h.i.+p of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must a.s.sess your talents and limitations. And then you must begin to step out as G.o.d leads you.

For G.o.d wants you to discover and use your gifts to his glory. He asks only that you include him in the process: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this" (Ps. 37:4a5).

G.o.d also, however, calls you to be accountable for what you do: "Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things G.o.d will bring you to judgment" (Eccl. 11:9).

As you develop your talents, look at your work as a partners.h.i.+p between you and G.o.d. He has given you gifts, and he wants you to develop them. Commit your way to the Lord, and you will find your work ident.i.ty. Ask him to help.

12.

Boundaries and Your Self

Sarah heaved a long sigh. She'd been working on major boundary issues in her therapy for a while now. She was seeing progress in resolving responsibility conflicts with her parents, her husband, and her kids. Yet today she introduced a new issue.

"I haven't told you about this relations.h.i.+p before, though I guess I should have. I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman. She eats too much, and has an attacking tongue. She's undependable-lets me down all the time. And she's spent money of mine and hasn't paid me back in years."

"Why haven't you mentioned her before?" I asked.

"Because she's me," Sarah replied.

Sarah was echoing the conflict most of us have. We learn that boundaries are biblical. We begin setting limits on others. We begin moving from taking too much responsibility to taking just enough. But how do we begin to set limits on ourselves? As Pogo Possum, cartoonist Walt Kelly's popular swamp character, says, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

In this chapter, instead of looking at the control and manipulation of others, we'll be looking at our responsibility to control our own bodies (1 Thess. 4:4). Instead of examining outer boundary conflicts with other people, we will be looking at our own internal boundary conflicts. This can get a little touchy. As the disgruntled country church member told his pastor as he left after the Sunday sermon, "You done stopped preachin', and you done started meddlin'!"

Instead of this defensive posture, we are much better off to look humbly at ourselves. To ask for feedback from others. To listen to people we trust. And to confess, "I was wrong."

Our Out-of-Control Soul

Eating Teresa's secret shame was becoming more difficult to keep a secret. Her five-foot-four frame could hide a little extra weight, but over the past few months she'd gradually moved into the mid-hundred mark. She hated it. Her dating life, her stamina, and her att.i.tude toward herself were all affected.

She was out of control. In her successful but stressful career as an attorney, cookies and candy were the only place she could go when everything was falling down around her. Twelve-hour days meant lots of isolation, and absolutely nothing filled the void like fatty foods. No wonder they call it comfort food, Teresa would think.

What makes overeating especially painful is that overweight is visible to others. The overweight person feels enormous self-hate and shame about her condition. And, like others who suffer from out-of-control behaviors, the overweight person feels overwhelming shame for her behavior, which drives her away from relations.h.i.+p and back to food.

Both chronic and bingeing overeaters suffer from an internal self-boundary problem. For overeaters, food serves as a false boundary. They might use food to avoid intimacy by gaining weight and becoming less attractive. Or they might binge as a way to get false closeness. For bingers, the "comfort" from food is less scary than the prospect of real relations.h.i.+ps, where boundaries would be necessary.

Money A now-famous b.u.mper sticker reads, "I can't be overdrawn-I still have checks left!" People have tremendous problems in many different areas dealing with money, including the following: impulse spending careless budgeting living beyond one's means credit problems chronically borrowing from friends ineffectual savings plans working more to pay all the bills enabling others G.o.d intended for money to be a blessing to us and others: "Give, and it will be given to you" (Luke 6:38). In fact, the Bible says that the problem isn't money, it's the love of money that is "a root of all kinds of evil" (1 Tim. 6:10).

Most of us would certainly agree that we need to be in control of our finances. Saving money, keeping costs down, and shopping for discounts are all good things. It's tempting to see money problems as simply a need for more income; however, the problem often isn't the high cost of living-it's the cost of high living.

The problem of our financial outgo exceeding our input is a self-boundary issue. When we have difficulty saying no to spending more than we should, we run the risk of becoming someone else's servant: "The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender" (Prov. 22:7).

Time Many people feel that their time is out of control. They are "eleventh-hour people," constantly on the edge of deadlines. Try as they might, they find the day-every day-getting away from them. There just aren't enough hours to accomplish their tasks. The word early doesn't seem to be part of their personal experience. Some of the time binds these strugglers deal with are these: business meetings luncheon appointments project deadlines church and school activities holiday mailings These people breeze into meetings fifteen minutes late and breathlessly apologize, talking about traffic, overwhelming job responsibilities, or kid emergencies.

People whose time is out of control inconvenience others whether they mean to or not. The problem often stems from one or more of the following causes: 1. Omnipotence. These people have unrealistic, somewhat grandiose expectations of what they can accomplish in a given amount of time. "No problem-I'll do it" is their motto.

2. Overresponsibility for the feelings of others. They think that leaving a party too early will cause the host to feel abandoned.

3. Lack of realistic anxiety. They live so much in the present that they neglect to plan ahead for traffic, parking the car, or dressing for an outing.

4. Rationalization. They minimize the distress and inconvenience that others must put up with because of their lateness. They think, "They're my friends-they'll understand."

The person with undeveloped time self-boundaries ends up frustrating not only others, but himself. He ends the day without the sense that a "desire realized is sweet to the soul" (Prov. 13:19 NASB). Instead, he is left with unrealized desires, half-baked projects, and the realization that tomorrow will begin with him running behind schedule.

Task Completion A first cousin to the time boundary problem, task completion deals with "finis.h.i.+ng well." Most of us have goals in the love and work areas of life. We may wish to be a veterinarian or a lawyer. We may wish to own our own business or own a home in the country. We may wish to start a Bible study program or an exercise regimen.

We all would like to say about our tasks, whether large or small, what Paul said: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness" (2 Tim. 4:7a8). More eloquent in their simplicity are Jesus' words on the cross: "It is finished" (John 19:30).

Though they may be great starters, many Christians find themselves unable to be good finishers. For one reason or another, creative ideas don't pan out. A regular schedule of operations becomes bogged down. Success looms, then is suddenly s.n.a.t.c.hed away.

The problem with many poor finishers lies in one of the following causes: 1. Resistance to structure. Poor finishers feel that submitting to the discipline of a plan is a putdown.

2. Fear of success. Poor finishers are overconcerned that success will cause others to envy and criticize them. Better to shoot themselves in the foot than to lose their buddies.

3. Lack of follow-through. Poor finishers have an aversion to the boring "nuts and bolts" of turning the crank on a project. They are much more excited about birthing the idea, then turning it over to other people to execute it.

4. Distractibility. Poor finishers are unable to focus on a project until it's done. They have often never developed competent concentration skills.

5. Inability to delay gratification. Poor finishers are unable to work through the pain of a project to experience the satifaction of a job well done. They want to go directly to the pleasure. They are like children who want to eat dessert before they eat the well-balanced meal.

6. Inability to say no to other pressures. Poor finishers are unable to say no to other people and projects. They don't have time to finish any job well.

Those with task completion problems often feel like two-year-olds in their favorite toy area. They'll bang a hammer for a bit, vroom with a toy car, talk to a puppet, and then pick up a book. All in two minutes or less. It's easy to see the boundary problems inherent in those with task completion problems. Their internal no hasn't been developed enough to keep them focused on finis.h.i.+ng things.

The Tongue In a therapy group I was leading, a man held the floor for some time. He'd go off on tangents, change the subject, and spend inordinate amounts of time on irrelevant details. He couldn't seem to get to the point. Other members were s.p.a.cing out, dozing off, or becoming restless. Just as I was about to speak to the man's struggle with getting to the point, a woman in the group spoke up, saying bluntly, "Bill, talk net, will ya?"

"Talking net," putting a net or boundary on their words, can be a struggle for many. How we use language can deeply affect the quality of our relations.h.i.+ps. The tongue can be a source of both blessing and curse (James 3:9a10). It can be a blessing when we use our tongue to empathize, identify, encourage, confront, and exhort others. It can be a curse when we use it to: Talk nonstop to hide from intimacy Dominate conversations to control others Gossip Make sarcastic remarks, expressing indirect hostility Threaten someone, expressing direct hostility Flatter, instead of authentically praise Seduce Many people who have difficulty setting verbal boundaries on themselves aren't really aware of their problem. They are often genuinely surprised when a friend says to them, "Sometimes it seems like you interpret my commas as periods."

I knew a woman who was desperately afraid that others would get to know her. She asked questions and talked quickly so that no one could turn the conversation toward her. She had only one problem: she had to take breaths to continue talking, and the breath created a s.p.a.ce for someone else to say something. The woman resolved her problem, however, in an ingenious way; she drew her breaths in the middle of her sentences, rather than at the end. That kept people sufficiently off-balance so that she was rarely interrupted. An effective strategy, with only one problem: she had to keep finding new people to talk to. After a few rounds with her, people disappeared.

The Scriptures tell us to treat our words carefully: "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" (Prov. 10:19). "A man of knowledge uses words with restraint" (Prov. 17:27). According to The Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for "restrain" refers to "the free action of holding back something or someone. The actor has the power over the object."1 It's a boundary-laden term. We have the power to set boundaries on what comes out of our mouths.

When we can't hold back, or set boundaries, on what comes from our lips, our words are in charge-not us. But we are still responsible for those words. Our words do not come from somewhere outside of us, as if we were a ventriloquist's dummy. They are the product of our hearts. Our saying, "I didn't mean that," is probably better translated, "I didn't want you to know I thought that about you." We need to take responsibility for our words. "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken" (Matt. 12:36).

s.e.xuality As Christians are finding more safe places in the church to be honest about spiritual and emotional conflicts, s.e.xual problems, especially for men, have emerged as a major issue. Such problems include compulsive masturbation, compulsive heteros.e.xual or h.o.m.os.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps, p.o.r.nography, prost.i.tution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, indecent liberties, child molestation, incest, and rape.

The individual caught up in an out-of-control s.e.xual behavior generally feels deeply isolated and shameful. This keeps what is broken in the soul sequestered in the darkness-out of the light of relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d and others, where there can be neither help nor resolution. His s.e.xuality takes on a life of its own, unreal and fantasy-driven. One man described it as a "not-me experience." It was, for him, as if the real him was watching his s.e.xual actions from across the room. Others may feel so dead and detached that s.e.xuality is the only way they feel alive.

The problem, however, is that, as in most internal boundary conflicts, s.e.xual boundarylessness becomes a tyrant, demanding and insatiable. No matter how many o.r.g.a.s.ms are reached, the desire only deepens, and the inability to say no to one's l.u.s.ts drives one deeper into despair and hopelessness.

Alcohol and Substance Abuse Probably the clearest examples of internal boundary problems, alcohol and drug dependencies create devastation in the lives of addicts. Divorce, job loss, financial havoc, medical problems, and death are the fruits of the inability to set limits in these areas.

Most tragic are the increasingly younger children who are experimenting with drugs. Drug addiction is difficult for adults, who have some semblance of character and boundaries; for the child, whose boundaries are delicate and forming, the results are often lifelong and debilitating.

Why Doesn't My "No" Work?

"I'm throwing my no away," Burt told me. "It works fine for setting limits on other people, but every time I try to complete my tasks on time, it breaks down. Where can I trade it in?"

Where indeed? As you read about the out-of-control areas above, you may have felt defeated and frustrated with yourself. You probably could identify with one or more of the problem areas, and you probably are no stranger to the discouragement of not having mature boundaries in these internal areas. What's the problem? Why doesn't our no work on ourselves?

There are at least three reasons for this.

1. We are our own worst enemies. An external problem is easier to deal with than an internal one. When we switch our focus from setting limits on other people to setting limits on ourselves, we make a major s.h.i.+ft in responsibility. Previously, we were only responsible to, not for, the other party. Now we have a great deal more involvement-we are the other party. We are responsible for ourselves.

When you are around a critical person, the kind who finds fault with everything, you can set limits on your exposure to this person's constant criticism. You can change subjects, rooms, houses, or continents. You can leave. But what if this critical person is in your own head? What if you are the person with the problem? What if you have met the enemy, and he is you?

2. We withdraw from relations.h.i.+p when we most need it. Jessica came to me for treatment of an eating disorder. She was thirty years old, and she had been bingeing since she was a teenager. I asked her about her previous attempts to solve this internal boundary problem.

"I try to work out and eat right," she said. "But I always fall back."

"Who do you talk to about this?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Jessica looked confused.

"Who do you tell about your eating problem when you can't take it anymore?"

Tears welled up in Jessica's eyes. "You're asking too much. This is a private problem. Can't I do this without anyone knowing?"

Since the Fall, our instincts have been to withdraw from relations.h.i.+p when we're in trouble, when we most need other people. (Remember how Adam and Eve hid from G.o.d after they ate the forbidden fruit?) Due to our lack of security, our loss of grace, our shame, and our pride, we turn inward, rather than outward, when we're in trouble. And that's a problem. As the Preacher in Ecclesiastes puts it: "Woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help" (4:10 NRSV).

Such withdrawal happens in our hospital program time after time. Hurting people will begin to make attachments with staff or other patients. For the first time, they begin coming forth with their need for connection. Like a rose lifting its petals after a hard rain, they begin to relate and connect in the light of the grace of G.o.d and his people.

Then an unexpected difficulty will occur. Sometimes their depression will temporarily worsen as their pain inside is exposed. Sometimes traumatic memories will surface. Sometimes severe conflict will occur with family members. Instead of bringing these painful and frightening feelings and problems to their newfound relations.h.i.+ps, these people will often retreat to their rooms to work out the problem. They'll spend several hours or a day doing everything possible to get back under control. They'll talk positively to themselves or read Scriptures compulsively to try to make themselves "feel better."

It is only when this attempt at a solution breaks down that they finally realize that these spiritual pains and burdens need to be brought out of themselves to the body of Christ. To the isolated person, nothing feels more frightening, unsafe, or unwise. Such a person needs to feel very secure before she will risk taking her spiritual and emotional problems to other people.

And yet the Bible doesn't recognize any other answer to our problems. Grace must come from the outside of ourselves to be useful and healing. Just as the branch withers without the vine (John 15:1a6), we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair without bonding to G.o.d and others. G.o.d and his people are the fuel, the energy source from which any problem is addressed. We need to be "joined and held together by every supporting ligament" (Eph. 4:16) of the body of Christ to heal and to grow up.

Whether our boundary issue is food, substances, s.e.x, time, projects, the tongue, or money, we can't solve it in a vacuum. If we could, we would. But the more we isolate ourselves, the harder our struggle becomes. Just like an untreated cancer can become life-threatening in a short time, self-boundary problems will worsen with increased aloneness.

3. We try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems. "I've got it solved!" Pete was excited about his newfound victory over his overspending. A dedicated Christian and a leader in his church, he was intensely concerned about his out-of-control finances. "I made a vow to G.o.d and myself that I'll never spend beyond my budget again! It's so simple, but so true!"

Not wanting to burst Pete's bubble, I adopted a wait-and-see att.i.tude. I didn't have to wait long. The next week he came in, feeling discouraged and hopeless.

"I just couldn't stop myself," he lamented. "I went out and bought sports equipment; then my wife and I purchased new furniture. It was just what we needed. The price was right. The only problem was that we couldn't afford it. I guess I'm hopeless."

Pete wasn't hopeless, but his philosophy, popular among Christians, certainly was. He had been trying to use willpower to solve his boundary problems, probably the most common approach to out-of-control behavior.

The willpower approach is simple. Whatever the problem behavior is, just stop doing it. In other words, "just say no." Imperatives such as "Choose to stop," "Decide to say no," and "Make a commitment to never do it again" abound in this approach.

The problem with this approach is that it makes an idol out of the will, something G.o.d never intended. Just as our hearts and minds are distorted by the Fall, so is our power to make right decisions. Will is only strengthened by relations.h.i.+p; we can't make commitments alone. G.o.d told Moses to encourage and strengthen Joshua (Deut. 3:28); he didn't tell Moses to tell Joshua to "just say no."

If we depend on willpower alone, we are guaranteed to fail. We are denying the power of the relations.h.i.+p promised in the cross. If all we need is our will to overcome evil, we certainly don't need a Savior (1 Cor. 1:17). The truth is, willpower alone is useless against self-boundary struggles: Why do you submit to [the world's] rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed wors.h.i.+p, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. (Col. 2:20a23) The King James Bible translates the Greek word for "self-imposed wors.h.i.+p" as "will-wors.h.i.+p." In other words, these self-denying practices that appear so spiritual don't stop out-of-control behavior. The boundaryless part of the soul simply becomes more resentful under the domination of the will-and it rebels. Especially after we make statements such as, "I will never" and "I will always," we act out with a vengeance. Jessica's indulgence in food, Pete's indulgence in money, someone else's indulgence in foolish or slanderous conversation, or still another's determination never to be late on a project again will not be healed by "white-knuckling it."

Establis.h.i.+ng Boundaries with Yourself