Boundaries Face To Face Part 24

The teacher agreed. "They really have. Not that Todd's a compliant angel-he'll always speak his mind-and I think that's good in a child. But there's no major struggle in getting him to behave. It's been a good year so far. Thank you for your support as parents."

5:15 p.m.

As Sherrie fought the afternoon rush-hour traffic, she felt strangely grateful for it. I can use this time to thank G.o.d for my family and friends-and plan a fun weekend for us.

6:30 p.m.

Amy walked into the family room right on time. "Mother-daughter time, Mom," she said. "C'mon outside."

Leaving the house, they started on their pre-dinner walk around the block. It mainly consisted of Sherrie's listening to Amy chatter about school, books, and friends. All the things she'd yearned to be able to discuss with her daughter. The walk was always too short.

It hadn't always been like that. After a Christian therapist had seen Amy and the family about her withdrawal, he'd noticed that Todd's misbehavior monopolized the family's attention. Amy wasn't a squeaky wheel, so she received less time with Sherrie and Walt.

Gradually, she'd withdrawn into herself. There just wasn't anyone in the house to give her anything. Her world had become her bedroom.

Noting the problem, Sherrie and Walt had made special attempts to make sure Amy was encouraged to talk about her issues-even if they weren't the crises Todd was in.

Over time, like a flower opening up to the light, Amy began interacting with her parents once again. She was beginning to connect like a normal little girl would. The boundary work that Sherrie and Walt did with Todd was part of Amy's healing process, too.

7:00 p.m.

Halfway through dinner, the phone rang. After the third ring, the answering machine screened the caller. "Sherrie, this is Phyllis, from church. Can you pitch in for the retreat next month?"

The answering machine was the answer to dinner's disruptions. The family's boundary was "no phone conversations until dinner is through." And the family time at the table was richer for it.

Sherrie made a mental note to call Phyllis later that evening and regretfully decline. She and Walt were having a couple's weekend during those days. It helped keep them honeymooning.

Interestingly enough, when Sherrie's boundary work had first begun, she'd started backing off from church commitments to sort out her chaotic life. Now, however, she was sensing more of a desire to be involved in a couple of ministries to which she felt called. It's like comforting as I've been comforted, she thought to herself. But she realized that she'd probably never be as available to Phyllis as Phyllis wanted. But that was between Phyllis and G.o.d. Sherrie was out of that particular loop.

7:45 p.m.

The kids and Walt cleared the table. They didn't want to miss the next night's dinner any more than they had breakfast!

9:30 p.m.

The kids were in bed with their homework a.s.signments done. They had even had some play time before bed. Walt and Sherrie sat down together with a cup of coffee. They talked quietly about each other's day. They laughed over the goofups, commiserated over the failures, planned the weekend, and talked about the kids. They looked into each others' eyes-glad the other one was there.

A miracle of miracles. And a hard-won one. Sherrie had had to go to therapy herself, along with joining a church support group. It had taken a long time to move out of her "Loving Walt Out of His Anger" modality. Her boundaries had needed much practice with safe people before she was ready to confront her husband.

And it had been a scary time. Walt hadn't known what to do with a wife who could set limits, who would say to him, "Just so you'll know in advance. It hurts me and distances me from you when you cruelly criticize me in public. If you continue, I'll confront you on it immediately. And I'll take a cab home. I won't live a lie anymore. And I will protect myself from now on."

Here was a wife who would no longer take responsibility for Walt's tantrums and withdrawal, who would say, "If you won't talk to me about your unhappiness, I'll back off. I'll be with a couple of my friends if you want to talk." This was a difficult adjustment, for Walt was used to Sherrie's drawing him out, soothing his ruffled feathers, and apologizing for being imperfect.

Here was a wife who confronted his emotional distance with, "You're my first choice for intimacy. I love you, and want to make you first in my heart. But if you won't spend time being close, I'll spend that time in support groups, at church, and with the kids. But I won't be in the den, watching you watching TV anymore. You'll have to microwave your own popcorn from now on."

He'd threatened. He'd sulked. He'd withdrawn.

But Sherrie stuck to her guns. With help from G.o.d, her friends, her therapist, and her church support group, she'd withstood Walt's bl.u.s.terings. He began to experience what it was like not to have her around and underfoot all the time.

And he missed her.

For the first time, Walt actually experienced his dependency on Sherrie. How much he needed her. How much fun she was when she was around. He began to slowly, gradually, fall in love with his wife again-this time a wife with boundaries.

She changed, too. Sherrie stopped playing the victim with Walt. She found herself blaming him less. She was less resentful. Her boundaries helped her develop a full life that didn't need Walt to be as perfect as she'd wished.

No, it wasn't an ideal marriage. But it felt more solid now, like an anchor in the storms. They were more like a team, with mutual love and mutual responsibility. They were not afraid of conflict, they forgave each other's mistakes, and respected each other's boundaries.

10:15 p.m.

Lying in bed, snuggled next to Walt, Sherrie reflected over the past months of boundary work. She felt warm and grateful for the second chance G.o.d had given her.

A pa.s.sage of Scripture came to her mind, one which she had read many times and knew well. It was the words of Christ from the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matt. 5:3a5) I'll always be poor in spirit, she thought. But my boundaries help me find the time to receive the kingdom of heaven. I'll always mourn the losses I suffer in this lifetime. But setting limits helps me find the comfort I need from G.o.d and others. I'll always be meek and gentle. But being a separate person helps me take the initiative to inherit the earth. Thanks, G.o.d. Thank you for the hope you gave me. And for taking me-and those I love-along your path.

It's our prayer that your biblical boundaries will lead you to a life of love, freedom, responsibility, and service.

Henry Cloud, Ph.D.

John Townsend, Ph.D.

Newport Beach, California 1992

About the Authors

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are popular speakers, licensed psychologists, cohosts of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and cofounders of Cloud/ Townsend Resources. They maintain a private practice in Newport Beach, California, and are the best-selling coauthors of a number of books, including Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, Boundaries in Dating, The Mom Factor, and the Gold Medallion Award-winning Boundaries.

For more information on books, resources, or speaking engagements: Cloud-Townsend Resources 3176 Pullman Avenue, Suite 104 Costa Mesa, CA 92626 Phone: 1-800-676-HOPE (4763) Web: www.cloudtownsend.com

Enjoy These Excerpts From Other Books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Chapter 1.

What's a Boundary, Anyway?

Stephanie sat in front of the fireplace drinking her cup of herbal tea and reflecting upon the evening. Her husband, Steve, had gone to bed an hour earlier, but the gnawing feeling in her stomach prevented her from joining him. In fact, the feeling was propelling her away from him. She was relieved when he had said that he was tired, for she didn't know what she would have done if he had wanted to make love to her. The feeling of relief scared her. She knew that it was not a good sign for their relations.h.i.+p.

As she thought about the night, she found herself connecting her feelings not only with what had happened this evening, but with what had gone on in their relations.h.i.+p in the last few years. She was pulling away from Steve more and more. She knew that she loved him and always would love him. She just didn't know how to get past the lack of attraction to him. She had a negative feeling about their relations.h.i.+p that she could not shake.

"Get specific. What is it?" she could hear her friend Jill asking her. Jill was much better at sorting out thoughts and feelings than Stephanie.

As she sorted through answers to Jill's question in her mind, the answer came surprisingly quickly in a movie-like collage of memories. Times and conversations she and Steve had had pa.s.sed through her mind as though she were a detached observer. First, she recalled this evening, when he had ignored her wishes for where they would go to dinner. And several times during the meal he had ignored what she was saying. It was as if he did not really hear her.

Then there was their vacation. She had wanted a nice quiet mountain setting where they could be alone together. He had wanted a big city with "lots of action." As usual, they had followed his wishes.

Then there was her desire to go back to school and finish her degree. They had agreed on that when she had dropped out of college her senior year to put him through law school. But every time she brought it up, he explained why it was not a good time right now for them. Stephanie had a hard time understanding that. What he really was saying was that it was not a good time for him.

Many other scenes came to her mind, but that phrase-"for him"-seemed to encapsulate all of them: Their relations.h.i.+p was more "for him" than it was "for them," or even "for her." As she thought about it, her detachment gave way to anger and contempt. Quickly, she retreated from such a negative feeling.

Get a grip, she told herself. Love is filled with sacrifice. But, as much as she tried to see herself sacrificing for love, she felt as if she were sacrificing a lot, yet experiencing very little love.

With that thought, she stared into the fire awhile longer, gulped her last sip of tea, and headed for bed, hoping Steve would be asleep.

The Importance of Boundaries

How had Stephanie, after several years of marriage, found herself in such a state? What had gone wrong? She and Steve had begun so strong. He was everything she had always wanted. Kind, strong, successful, and spiritual, Steve seemed to embody it all. But as time went on, their relations.h.i.+p lacked depth and intimacy. She could not understand how she could love someone so much and experience such little love along the way.

The issues are different for many couples, but the perplexity is often the same. One spouse feels something is missing, but she can't figure out what it is. She tries to do the right things. She gives, sacrifices, honors the commitment, and believes the best. And yet she doesn't achieve intimacy, or worse than that, she doesn't avoid pain.

In some cases, the confusion hides itself behind the simplistic explanations that problems such as addiction, irresponsibility, control, or abuse provide. "If he just weren't so controlling." Or, "If she just would stop spending." Partners think that they can explain why their relations.h.i.+p lacks intimacy by the presence of "the problem." They are surprised to find that even when the "problem" goes away, the person with whom they can't connect or find love remains.

In other cases, there may be no "problems," but the marriage does not live up to the promise that one or both of the partners had in the beginning. Commitment may be strong, but love, intimacy, and deep sharing are not present. Why does this happen with two people who are so committed to the relations.h.i.+p?

In our work with couples over the years, we have observed that, while many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don't grow past the initial attraction and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true "knowing" of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple-the long-term fulfillment that was G.o.d's design. For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.

So, with that in mind, in this chapter we are going to take a big-picture look at what boundaries are. We will give an introductory course for those of you who have never read our book Boundaries and a refresher course for those of you have.

What is a boundary? In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning and end of something. If, for example, you go down to the county courthouse and look up your address, you can probably get a plot map showing your property lines. You can see where your property begins and your neighbor's ends-a prerequisite for being good neighbors to each other.