I'm Just Here For The Food Part 16

Eggs

Eggs are the plastic of the kitchen. There's very little they can't do.

Eggs-cetera

Legend has it that each fold on a chef's toque, that tower of power that perches upon the pates of chefs worldwide, represents a method by which eggs may be cooked. A tall tale? Yes, but I'd buy it. The humble chicken egg is arguably the most versatile food on earth. It can be fried, poached, roasted, coddled, scrambled, pickled, boiled, and broiled. Were it not for the emulsifying power of the fatty yolk, we would have neither mayonnaise nor hollandaise, nor of the fatty yolk, we would have neither mayonnaise nor hollandaise, nor would we have custard. Were it not for the amazing foaming flexibility of the white's unique proteins, there would be no mousse, no meringue, no souffle. would we have custard. Were it not for the amazing foaming flexibility of the white's unique proteins, there would be no mousse, no meringue, no souffle.

In short, were it not for eggs, life as we know it would not exist-in the kitchen, or anywhere else for that matter.

All this power and versatility can lead to confusion when one simply wishes to cook an egg for eggs' sake. I finally came to terms with egg cookery when I realized that eggs are essentially liquid fish.35 I admit, this is not an especially appealing idea, but it makes a lot of sense when put into practice. I admit, this is not an especially appealing idea, but it makes a lot of sense when put into practice.

Like fish, eggs don't like to be pushed around thermally. When exposed to the right temperature for the right amount of time, their proteins denature and then coagulate into a nice soft gel. But when pushed too far or for too long, these proteins turn into little chemical fists and wring all the moisture right out. That's why scrambled eggs often appear (and taste) like yellow bits of rubber floating in water.

Unlike eggs, fish have the advantage of being solid, which means they may be dredged, battered, or breaded. This gives the cook the ability to apply high heat and create a golden brown exterior. I have yet to see this work with eggs, though I've heard that recent advances in zero-gravity cooking look promising.

So, here are some rules for fish and eggs: fried eggs, eggs over easy, eggs sunny-side up, scrambled eggs, omelets, quiche, flan, custards,36 and egg-based sauces such as hollandaise. and egg-based sauces such as hollandaise.

1. Heat a non-stick pan over the lowest heat your cook top can muster.An 8-inch pan is best for 1 to 2 large eggs.

2. Add a small amount of fat to the pan using a basting brush for thin, even coverage. You can use either b.u.t.ter or oil or (my preference) a combination of the two. Why add fat to a non-stick pan? For one thing, I like to be able to slide my egg around to shape it while it cooks and to be able to flip it, and that requires lubrication. (Non-stick doesn't necessarily mean slick; see The Right Pan.) A little fat also helps to conduct heat evenly into the surface of the egg. Fat also improves flavor. Say you want your eggs soft and creamy but you also want a taste of golden brown-that nutty sweetness that only shows itself when serious BTUs are involved. No problem. You can develop that flavor before the eggs even show up. Simply melt a pat of b.u.t.ter over medium heat. As soon as the foaming subsides, turn the heat up and hold it there just until you catch a whiff of something like roasted nuts. Kill the heat and let the pan cool down. Then cook the eggs over low heat. The browned b.u.t.ter will coat your eggs with Maillard goodness.THE RIGHT PAN Because they're high in protein, eggs can stick mightily to cookware. So when eggs are on the menu, grab a good nonstick pan. Eggs also hate high heat, so you'll need a pan that's a good conductor and is free of hot spots. As usual, a good place to find such cookware is at a restaurant supply store. Choose a thick pan that is heavier than it looks, and has a textured (not super-smooth) surface; it will last longer and release food easily. If you're cooking for two, an 8-inch pan is fine, but a 10-inch is even better. And remember, most commercial pans are oven-safe; just don't put them under the broiler.

3. Unless you're using a very small pan-say four inches across-resist the urge to crack your eggs directly into the pan. Instead, break them into a small tea cup or ramekin. Why? So you can do this:

With the exception of sunny side up and scrambled, egg preparations get at least one flip, but knowing when when to flip the flip is a little tricky. I like my eggs over easy, which means that the whites are nicely set but the yolk is lavalike: flowing, but not runny. I don't flip until the thick alb.u.min immediately surrounding the yolk is almost opaque. Then I flip (see Age Matters) and count to 15 slowly. Then I flip again (so that the yolk is visible once again) and slide it onto a plate. At no point do I ever touch the eggs with a spatula-that just invites trouble . . . and yolk breakage. If I'm making a full-blown fried egg, I flip at the same time, but I let it cook a full minute more before plating. In other words, I always execute the first flip at the same state of doneness. What differs is how long I cook it on the second side. to flip the flip is a little tricky. I like my eggs over easy, which means that the whites are nicely set but the yolk is lavalike: flowing, but not runny. I don't flip until the thick alb.u.min immediately surrounding the yolk is almost opaque. Then I flip (see Age Matters) and count to 15 slowly. Then I flip again (so that the yolk is visible once again) and slide it onto a plate. At no point do I ever touch the eggs with a spatula-that just invites trouble . . . and yolk breakage. If I'm making a full-blown fried egg, I flip at the same time, but I let it cook a full minute more before plating. In other words, I always execute the first flip at the same state of doneness. What differs is how long I cook it on the second side.

AGE MATTERS.

Eggs have a multilayered construction. Besides the outer sh.e.l.l, there is a thin white or alb.u.men, a thick alb.u.min, the yolk, and the chalazae. This last item is basically a bungee cord of egg white that keeps the yolk (and the microscopic embryo that's attached to it) in place. These layers are separated by membranes, which deteriorate as the egg ages. That means that an older egg (say, one month old) is going to be a beast to cook over easy, because the odds are good that the yolk is going to crash when you turn it. On the flip side, this same egg would be a heck of a lot easier to peel if cooked hard, because the membrane between the outer white and the sh.e.l.l will be less resistant.

There are, of course, exceptions to the low-temperature rule. Frittatas, souffles, and meringes all require higher heat because they need to: * expand. This requires one of two things: either water must turn to steam before the egg sets, or air bubbles physically trapped in the matrix must expand, again before the egg sets. Both scenarios require high heat.* brown via the Maillard reaction. It's important to note that in this case other ingredients are always present. Eggs should never be left to face high heat alone.

Buying and Storing Eggs

Eggs are bathed, sanitized, dried, and then candled at processing plants. Specially trained workers can spot irregularities and mark a bad egg; the computer remembers that egg and removes it down the line. Eggs that pa.s.s muster are weighed by a jet of air and sent to the appropriate cartons.

A dozen medium eggs weigh a minimum of 21 ounces, a dozen large weigh 24 to 26 ounces, a dozen extra-large have to tip the 27-ounce mark, and a dozen jumbo are a robust 30 ounces. At only 15 ounces per dozen, the peewee size don't find their way to the breakfast table and are used instead for industrial purposes.

Egg size doesn't necessarily correlate to egg quality; a grading system serves that purpose. Egg grading is voluntary, and falls under state statute, but many egg processors leave the ch.o.r.e to on-site USDA inspectors. The different grades of eggs are AA, A, and B. Double-A eggs are your freshest eggs. The white is firm and stands up when the egg is cracked open and the yolk is rounder. The difference between AA and A is mainly the age of the egg: an A-grade egg is just a little older than an AA. (So, somebody could buy a dozen AA eggs, take them home, leave them in the refrigerator for a couple of weeks, and they would drop to grade A.) A B-grade egg is good and clean on the outside but when twirled in front of the light you can see the shadow of the yolk. The reason you see the yolk that plainly is because the membranes have broken down. So, when you crack it into your pan or onto a plate it's going to run out.

Eggs usually make their way to your market within a week of being laid and are a staple item that pretty much flies off the shelf; old eggs are a rarity. The Julian date (not the "use by" date) tells you when a carton was packaged. It will be a number between 1 and 365, representing the day of the year on which it was packaged.

When you peek into a carton of eggs checking for cracks, also check to see that the eggs are cold. A room-temperature egg ages more in a day than a refrigerated egg ages in one week. Keeping the fridge at or a little below 40 F will help keep eggs fresh. So will keeping eggs in their carton toward the back of a shelf. The nice little egg shelf found on many refrigerator doors is cute, but that door spends too much time open, hanging out and heating up. Plus, shelf bins promote drying and breakage.

RISK FACTOR.

One in ten- to twenty-thousand eggs may be infected with salmonella salmonella, and even if an egg were infected, the salmonella salmonella level would probably be too small to harm a healthy adult. It's advisable, however, that older folks, expectant mothers, young children, and anyone with immune system problems steer clear of undercooked or raw eggs. That means pa.s.sing on sunny-side up eggs, homemade mayonnaise, hollandaise, eggnog, and cla.s.sic Caesar salad. level would probably be too small to harm a healthy adult. It's advisable, however, that older folks, expectant mothers, young children, and anyone with immune system problems steer clear of undercooked or raw eggs. That means pa.s.sing on sunny-side up eggs, homemade mayonnaise, hollandaise, eggnog, and cla.s.sic Caesar salad.

Scrambled Eggs Ask a French chef to scramble you a few eggs and you're likely to see him whisk a few eggs together with a bit of heavy cream, then cook them in a double boiler over simmering, not boiling, water. I'm often annoyed by the persnickety extra steps that French cuisine demands, but this time I must agree. It's not that it's impossible to make good scrambled eggs straight in a pan, it's just that the double boiler guarantees that the cooking will be done at a steady temperature and at a relatively low rate of conduction.Don't forget to garnish. A sprinkling of fresh herbs, especially chives, does wonders for scrambled eggs. The best plate of scrambled eggs I ever had (far better than the best omelet I ever had) was finished with truffle oil and sprinkled with finely minced red onion and a dollop of caviar.

Application: SimmeringPour an inch or two of water into a heavy sauce pan and bring to a boil. Lower the heat until bubbles just break the surface (okay, I'll say it: a simmer). Place a heavy metal bowl over the sauce pan and put the b.u.t.ter in the bowl. Make sure that the bottom of the bowl doesn't come anywhere near the water below.In a separate mixing bowl, whisk the eggs together with the cream and salt. You don't have to get this completely smooth, but the more h.o.m.ogenized the mixture, the smoother the finished eggs will be.When the b.u.t.ter has melted, add the egg mixture to the heated bowl. Now, when and how you stir with a plastic spatula will go a long way toward determining the final texture of the eggs. The desired action isn't so much stirring as it is sc.r.a.ping. As the egg cooks on the surface of the bowl, sc.r.a.pe it away so that a fresh coating of the egg mixture can come into contact with the metal. These sheets of cooked egg form lumps known as "curd." Continuous sc.r.a.ping will result in a very fine curd while less frequent sc.r.a.ping produces larger curd. The choice is entirely yours, and you should play around with your technique a bit until you find one that suits your taste. As soon as there is no liquid left in the bowl, pull it from the heat, and move the eggs onto a plate. The eggs may not look done, but they'll continue to cook and will be just right by the time you take your first bite.Yield: 1 serving (see Note)Note: I consider 3 eggs a single serving. To increase, double the recipe for each additional diner. I consider 3 eggs a single serving. To increase, double the recipe for each additional diner.Software : tablespoon b.u.t.ter tablespoon b.u.t.ter 3 large eggs 1 tablespoon heavy cream teaspoon kosher salt Hardware : Heavy sauce pan Heavy sauce pan Heavy metal bowl large enough to fit into the saucepan, with a couple inches of lip to spare Mixing bowl Whisk Plastic spatula

DOUBLE BOILERS.

I think that America's general disdain for double boilers comes from the fact that many pot manufacturers insist on making them despite the fact that they are useless, silly uni-taskers that can't even do the one job that they're meant to do.Figure A. Just look at this silly thing. You can't get a whisk, spoon, or spatula into the corner. The entire side is in contact with the bottom pot. Remember conduction? Heat's going to move right up the side of the bottom pan into this vessel. Worst of all, this vessel has no other use that I can find except take up s.p.a.ce and collect dust. Silly, I tell ya.Figure B. Ah, logic. A metal mixing bowl is whisk and spatula friendly. Contact with the bottom pan is minimal, and the edge of the bowl extends well beyond that of the pan. This may not seem like a big deal, but that span gives heat a place to dissipate and it prevents steam from condensing and rolling down into the food, which is especially important when dealing with chocolate, which will seize into a gnarly ma.s.s at the mere mention of water.

Poached Eggs Once they invented cooking, the French set out to name everything involved-and poaching is no exception. Poach Poach comes from the French comes from the French poche poche for "pouch" or "pocket" and refers to the shape of an egg cooked in barely simmering water. I suppose it's right that the method be named for the dish, because there is nothing as sublime as a properly poached egg. for "pouch" or "pocket" and refers to the shape of an egg cooked in barely simmering water. I suppose it's right that the method be named for the dish, because there is nothing as sublime as a properly poached egg.Many cooks prefer a deep-water method that allows the egg to form more of a...well, pouch. I prefer this shallow-pan method because it produces a more horizontal-and therefore more plate-able-oeuf. My favorite way to serve poached eggs is on top of a salad of bitter greens. Poached eggs can also be cooked ahead of time. Simply move the cooked eggs straight from the pan to a bowl of ice water and hold them there for up to 8 hours. Bring them back to heat in a quick (no more than 1 minute) bath in simmering water.

Application : PoachingBreak the eggs into small custard or tea cups.Pour enough water into a 10-inch non-stick sauce pan or saute pan to come halfway up the side of the pan. Bring to a boil over high heat.When bubbles start to beak the water's surface, stir in the salt and the vinegar.Slide the eggs gently into the pan by holding the cups as close to the surface of the water as possible. Arrange them at twelve, three, six, and nine o'clock.As soon as the whites start to turn opaque, remove the pan from the heat and cover with the lid. Set your timer for 3 minutes. When the timer goes off, gently lift the eggs with a slotted spoon from the water onto a plate, and serve.Three minutes produces eggs the way I like them, but everyone is different. Experiment a bit with your timing.

Yield: 2 servingsNote: The older the eggs, the more "thin" alb.u.men there's going to be. This is the part of the egg that feathers out, creating something that looks more like a Portuguese-man-'o-war than a pouch. The vinegar will help a bit by coagulating any proteins it finds wandering about, but you'll still be better off poaching the freshest eggs you can get your hands on. The older the eggs, the more "thin" alb.u.men there's going to be. This is the part of the egg that feathers out, creating something that looks more like a Portuguese-man-'o-war than a pouch. The vinegar will help a bit by coagulating any proteins it finds wandering about, but you'll still be better off poaching the freshest eggs you can get your hands on.Software : 2 to 4 large eggs 2 to 4 large eggs 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1 teaspoon vinegar (see Note Note) Hardware : 1 to 4 small, low-sided custard 1 to 4 small, low-sided custard cups or teacups 10-inch non-stick sauce pan or saute pan, with a lid Kitchen timer Slotted spoon

c.o.c.ktail-Hour Egg Stack This is one of my favorite scrambled egg variations, and a great way to use up leftovers.For filling each layer: cup sauteed onions, mushrooms, or peppers; tomatoes; avocados; crumbled or grated cheese; anchovies; cooked meats (sausage, bacon, grilled chicken, and so on, crumbled or diced); spinach; roasted garlic cloves; or anything you like or have on handFor the spread for each layer:2 tablespoons flavored cream cheese, sour cream, tapenade, flavored mayonnaise, guacamole, pesto, salsa, mustard, anchovy paste, tomato sauce, or anything you like or have on hand

Application: BroilingPreheat the broiler.To make each egg layer, in a mixing bowl whisk together 2 eggs with cup of milk. Heat a 10-inch non-stick saute pan under the broiler for 2 minutes, remove, then add 1 tablespoon of the oil. Count to ten, then pour in the egg mixture and allow the bottom to set. Season with salt and pepper and add the filling ingredient of your choice. Set the pan about 6 inches under the broiler for 1 to 2 minutes (depending on the toppings) to finish cooking. Using a large spatula, slide the layer onto a serving plate and add the spread of your choice. Repeat, stacking one layer on top of the other, until you have at least 6 layers. Slice as you would a pie and serve warm or at room temperature.Yield: 6 servingsSoftware : For the 6 egg layers: For the 6 egg layers: 12 large eggs 1 cups milk 6 tablespoons olive oil Kosher salt Freshly ground black pepper Hardware : Mixing bowl Mixing bowl Whisk 10-inch non-stick saute pan Aluminum foil to cover pan handle, if necessary Spatula

Hard-Cooked Eggs When you think about it, a hard-cooked egg is just about the most convenient food in the world. It comes in its own single-serving container, a container in which it not only can be stored for long periods, but cooked as well.So why don't we eat more of these delicious devices? Well, somewhere along the line someone decided that they're bad for us (a gross misstatement) and anytime we hear the word "boil" a.s.sociated with a food, our expectations go down, as does the care we take in cooking it.I like hard-cooked eggs a lot, so I have favorite methods for boiling or cooking both large and small numbers of them. Baking is great for large numbers of eggs; boiling or steaming is the way to go with just a few eggs.

Application: BakingPosition the oven racks in the center of the oven, then place the eggs on the racks. Place a baking sheet pan in the bottom of the oven (just in case an egg breaks). Set the oven to 325 F, and bake for 30 minutes. When the eggs are done, fill a large bowl with ice water and move the eggs into the bowl. Peel the eggs (see Note Note) as soon as they're cool enough to handle, then return them to the ice water to thoroughly chill.

Application: BoilingI have recently gone back to boiling eggs, but I don't use a pot or pan. I use my electric kettle (a Chef's Choice). I put the eggs in the kettle, add enough water to cover by an inch or two, and turn it on. The kettle turns itself off when it hits a boil, so I let them sit for 10 to 15 minutes. The finished product is perfect every time: a firm but never grainy yolk and a creamy white.Application: SteamingPour 1 inch of water into a sauce pan and place a metal steamer basket inside the pan. Bring the water to a boil over high heat, then place the eggs in the steamer. Cover the pan and lower the heat to medium-high. Cook the eggs for 12 minutes, then, using tongs, remove them to a large bowl of ice water. Peel the eggs (see Note Note) as soon as they are cool enough to handle.Note: I usually find steamed eggs to be a little easier to peel than baked eggs, but just barely. I think the difference may be that the small amount of egg white that's pushed out of the pores is left to caramelize on the surface of the baked eggs, but is continuously washed away by the steam and therefore doesn't gum up the works. The fact that the sh.e.l.l of the baked egg gets significantly hotter during cooking than the sh.e.l.l of the steamed egg may also be a factor. Still, I prefer the slightly creamier texture of baked eggs to steamed. I imagine it's because the dry heat moves into these eggs more slowly than the steam heat does. I usually find steamed eggs to be a little easier to peel than baked eggs, but just barely. I think the difference may be that the small amount of egg white that's pushed out of the pores is left to caramelize on the surface of the baked eggs, but is continuously washed away by the steam and therefore doesn't gum up the works. The fact that the sh.e.l.l of the baked egg gets significantly hotter during cooking than the sh.e.l.l of the steamed egg may also be a factor. Still, I prefer the slightly creamier texture of baked eggs to steamed. I imagine it's because the dry heat moves into these eggs more slowly than the steam heat does.Of course, you can't enjoy hard-cooked eggs without peeling them. And, as usual, there is a best way to accomplish this.Take an egg from the bowl of cooling water and gently tap it against a counter or the side of your sink. Rotate it as you go, with the intention of cracking as much of the surface of the sh.e.l.l as possible. When you've cracked everywhere there is to crack, take the egg and roll it gently between the palms of your hands. This will help to loosen the membrane just under the fragmented sh.e.l.l.Now turn the egg until you find where the air s.p.a.ce was. It will be easy to spot because there will be a convenient gap between the sh.e.l.l and the white beneath. Submerge the egg in the cold water and start peeling from this spot. With practice you'll be able to take the entire sh.e.l.l off in a long strip-just like peeling an orange.Software for Baked Eggs : 2 to 4 dozen large eggs 2 to 4 dozen large eggs Hardware : Baking sheet Baking sheet Large mixing bowl Oven-proof gloves Softwar for Boiledor Steamed Eggs : 1 to 6 eggs 1 to 6 eggs Hardware : Electric Kettle or sauce pan Electric Kettle or sauce pan with lid Metal steamer basket Tongs Large mixing bowl

Pickled Eggs I ate my first pickled egg on a dare (come to think of it, a lot of my "firsts" were dares). When I was in ninth grade, my friends and I used to walk every morning to a little store near the school to sugar-load and flirt with trouble. (We looked so cool in our Starsky and Htch-inspired fas.h.i.+ons.) Anyway, there was this big jug at the end of the counter that looked like it had been left behind by a traveling side show. Dark, alien-looking ovals lurked therein, along with-rumor had it-a dead chicken. Well, one day big talk led to big money (three bucks if I remember correctly), and I found myself in possession of an embalmed chicken embryo mummified in waxed paper. Prepared to die, I took a bite. I've loved them ever since. The "Dark and Lovely" eggs will turn that way because of the Liquid Smoke.Place all of the ingredients except the eggs in a sauce pan. Bring the mixture to a simmer and cook until the salt and/or sugar dissolves. Place the eggs in a 1-quart jar and pour the hot mixture over the eggs, making sure to cover them completely with liquid. Let cool to room temperature, then put the lid on the jar. Refrigerate for 4 weeks (see Notes Notes) before serving.Yield: 1 dozen pickled eggsNotes: Liquid Smoke is a seasoning made from hickory smoke concentrate. It is available in most supermarkets-look in the barbecue sauce section. Liquid Smoke is a seasoning made from hickory smoke concentrate. It is available in most supermarkets-look in the barbecue sauce section.Although the high acidity of the liquid in both recipes should keep any bad bugs away, please keep these refrigerated. They should keep for about 2 months once pickled.

Software : For "Dark and Lovely" pickled eggs: 2 cups cider vinegar 2 cups cider vinegar cup water 1 tablespoons dark brown sugar 1 tablespoon granulated sugar 1 teaspoons pickling spice teaspoon Liquid Smoke (see Notes Notes) 1 tablespoon salt teaspoon chile flakes 1 dozen large hard-cooked eggs, peeled For "Cla.s.sic" pickled eggs: 2 cups apple cider 2 cups apple cider cup champagne vinegar 1 tablespoon salt 2 teaspoons pickling spice 6 whole cloves garlic 1 dozen large hard-cooked eggs, peeled Hardware : Sauce pan Sauce pan 1-quart jar with lid, preferably gla.s.s, but not metal

Deviled Eggs If you're making hard-cooked eggs, why not serve them deviled?In a small mixing bowl, using a mixing spoon blend together all of the ingredients except the eggs and paprika. With a sharp knife, split the eggs lengthwise and remove the yolks to a separate mixing bowl. Mash the yolks with a fork and then blend in the mayonnaise mixture. Refill the egg whites with the mixture, smoothing the top with the fork. If you really like tradition, sprinkle some paprika on top.Yield: 2 dozen deviled eggs Software : cup mayonnaise cup mayonnaise 2 tablespoons minced onion 2 tablespoons minced celery cup chopped fresh parsley 1 teaspoon dry mustard teaspoon salt teaspoon freshly ground white pepper teaspoon celery salt 12 hard-cooked eggs, peeled Paprika (optional) Hardware : 2 mixing bowls 2 mixing bowls Mixing spoon or rubber spatula Sharp knife

Mom's Egg Salad Egg salad is another great use for hard-cooked eggs. Pumpernickel is the only acceptable bread to use for an egg-salad sandwich.With a chef's knife, coa.r.s.ely chop the eggs and put them in a mixing bowl. With a wooden spoon, fold the remaining ingredients into the eggs. Chill the mixture in the refrigerator for at least 1 hour to let the flavors blend.Yield: Filling for 8 sandwiches Software : 12 hard-cooked eggs, peeled 12 hard-cooked eggs, peeled cup mayonnaise 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice 1 teaspoon celery salt teaspoon salt teaspoon freshly ground white pepper 1 cup finely diced celery Hardware : Chef's knife Chef's knife Mixing bowl Wooden spoon

CHAPTER 10.

Microwave Cooking

Why is this chapter at the end of the book? Because it's the only application by which food actually cooks itself.

Catch a Wave

What the heck happened to my Mars bar?

-Dr. Percy Spencer

If appliance makers are correct, some 96 percent of American homes contain at least one microwave oven. Most of these are employed in the warming of coffee, the popping of popcorn, and the occasional "nuking" of frozen foods. When you consider what this technology percent of American homes contain at least one microwave oven. Most of these are employed in the warming of coffee, the popping of popcorn, and the occasional "nuking" of frozen foods. When you consider what this technology is capable of, this seems a lot like using an aircraft carrier to pull a water-skier. Sure, it can do the job, but that's not the point. The microwave oven can do some amazing things-the trick is to understand how it works well enough to know what to feed it. is capable of, this seems a lot like using an aircraft carrier to pull a water-skier. Sure, it can do the job, but that's not the point. The microwave oven can do some amazing things-the trick is to understand how it works well enough to know what to feed it.

But first, some history. It began, as these things often do, with a guy in a lab coat. The guy was Dr. Percy Spencer, and the lab coat belonged to the Raytheon Corporation. One day in 1946, Dr. Spencer was futzing about with a new kind of vacuum tube that (it was hoped) would revolutionize the radar industry. It was called a magnetron tube, and, after working on it awhile, Doc Spencer decided it was time for a snack. He reached into his lab coat pocket for a chocolate bar and found that it had turned to mush. It's been a short leap from that melted candy bar to the distinctive hum heard at 3:00 A.M. in 7-Elevens across the country.

When I set out to understand the microwave, I hunted up an industry expert who prefers to remain anonymous.

Me: Uh, what's a microwave?

Expert: A form of electromagnetic energy.

Me: Hmm. What's electromagnetic energy?

Expert: Waves of electrical and magnetic energy that move together through s.p.a.ce.

Me: I see.

Expert: Sure you do. Let me draw you a picture.

Me: Ah, yes. So how do you make one of these wavy things?

Expert: Well, you create an electromagnetic wave any time you feed an electric current through a conductor, such as a copper wire. But that kind of energy stays very close to the wire. However, if you oscillate it at a rapid rate...